he says he was rushing to get in his stock trades under the wire (Huge Systemic Failure)

Paul Pelosi has received at least eight driving citations in the last decade since his recent hit and run, including speeding, going through red lights, DUI, and driving down a one-way street. His excuse, he says he was rushing to get in his stock trades under the wire. Good excuse. —Tom Shillue 

7-Eleven just announced plans to close 645 stores. Meanwhile, eBay and Facebook Marketplace are announcing great deals on dirty microwaves. —Tom Shillue 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because they're simply better than the rest of us (to work on his color)

Today was National Hotdog Day and to celebrate, Donald Trump spent a few hours on the rollers at 7-Eleven to work on his color. –Conan O’Brien

"But General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

about the brisket I'm smoking (employee of the month)

 

Florida authorities have arrested a Taco Bell employee for allegedly firing a gun at a customer who filled up their water cup with soda. Police are calling the man unstable, and Taco Bell are calling him employee of the month. —Seth Meyers

“This Cinco de Mayo is extra special because it happens to fall on Taco Tuesday. Taco Bell is offering free Crunchwrap Supremes, and 7-Eleven has a Bogo on burritos. And I’m guessing if you eat more than one 7-Eleven burrito, you Bogo-ing to the hospital.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

which is also the last time they cleaned their microwaves (In a related story, Nancy Pelosi just went into hiding)

7-Eleven turned 98 today on 7-Eleven and they gave away free slurpies. They started this tradition in 2002, which is also the last time they cleaned their microwaves. —Greg Gutfeld

A new chemical process could break down 90% of plastic in just 30 minutes. In a related story, Nancy Pelosi just went into hiding? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Betterluck Jonathan (Art thou up?)

“Nigeria just held their election and their incumbent president, whose actual name is Goodluck Jonathan, lost the race. He was beaten by his rival, Betterluck Jonathan.” —Conan O’Brien

There's a new app that turns your texts into lines from Shakespeare. The most popular one used for booty calls is, "Art thou up?" –Conan O’Brien

The IRS has introduced new technology allowing you to pay your taxes at a 7-Eleven. So just imagine: You can now declare your earnings from 2015 while eating a hot dog from 2005. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Weed is definitely legal in Colorado.. (What channel is CDC?)

According to a new study by the CDC, women are more likely than men to experiment with same-sex partners. Said men, “What channel is CDC?” –Seth Meyers

A group in Colorado has set a new world record for largest sticker ball after combining enough decals to create a nearly 9 foot wide 232 pound ball which proves one thing: Weed is definitely legal in Colorado. .” –Seth Meyers

U.S. immigration agents targeted hundreds of 7-Eleven stores today to investigate the legal status of store employees. Hey, if you're going to investigate something at 7-Eleven, how about the hot dogs? How long have THEY been in the country? --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad (They call it a hot dog)

"North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has not appeared in public for weeks. There are rumors he's sick due to too much cheese, fried chicken, and beer. Sounds like someone is applying for American citizenship." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was on '60 Minutes' promoting his book. He said you can't run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad." –Conan O'Brien

Burger King has begun bottling its own merlot and they call it Whopper Wine. Not to be outdone, 7-Eleven has begun selling a product fermented for six months. They call it a hot dog. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is what happens when Big Pharma has bought all of your politicians (I have the most possible knees)

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie gave his final State of the State address yesterday before leaving office next week. Which means somebody is going to have some very high pants to fill. --Seth Meyers

U.S. immigration agents targeted hundreds of 7-Eleven stores today to investigate the legal status of store employees. Hey, if you're going to investigate something at 7-Eleven, how about the hot dogs? How long have THEY been in the country? --Seth Meyers

President Trump will have his first physical exam as president this Friday. That story again, Trump will have his first-ever physical exam on Friday. [As Trump] ‘It turns out I have two knees. That’s the most. I have the most possible knees.’ --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The relationship has gotten so bad, Fox & Friends now say they're just Fox & Acquaintances (we might have to start calling him Jeb)

November 2022

“Donald Trump was back by unpopular demand, though if he beat Joe Biden in 2020 as he constantly said he did, he shouldn’t even be allowed to run. He’s termed out now. Trump’s main motivation for a second term in office is protection from several criminal and civil investigations. He’s basically a bank robber on the run from the cops, and the White House is the dumpster behind an Arby’s he’s trying to hide in.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump was advised to speak for only 45 minutes, but he went on for over an hour. In fact, Trump rambled on for so long that even Fox News cut away from the speech. The relationship has gotten so bad, Fox & Friends now say they're just Fox & Acquaintances.” —Jimmy Fallon

“In response to Costco's $1.50 hot-dog-and-drink combo, Sam's Club is now offering the same meal for $1.38. Meanwhile, 7-Eleven is like, ‘If you're brave enough to eat our hot dogs, we'll pay you $1.50.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Trump’s Mar-a-Lago announcement was a weird, rambling speech with so many false statements, it makes you wonder where he’s even getting them, such as bragging that he had ‘gone decades’ without starting a war. Even Donald Trump thinks his four years in office felt like decades. He was so low-energy, we might have to start calling him Jeb.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney (he looks as beautiful as the day they first met)

October 2012

 "It's being reported that Mitt Romney's goal for tonight's debate is to make Barack Obama look like Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, Barack Obama's goal is to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Today was not only the first presidential debate, it was also President Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. I think the president got a little confused. At one point, he told Michelle that she was out of touch with the middle class and Romney that he looks as beautiful as the day they first met." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is winning the election according to an informal poll conducted by 7-Eleven. However, the findings are being hotly contested by analysts from The Cheesecake Factory." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It was so cold today the flashers in Times Square we're describing themselves (Paying for endless war)

7-Eleven convenience stores in addition to everything else they're now offering fine wines. So 7-Eleven customers keep this in mind. It's red wine with the beef jerky and white wine with the cheetos. --David Letterman 1/4/1999

Bill Clinton is really upset about this impeachment stuff. He was so upset about impeachment today he blew a two-foot putt. --David Letterman 1/4/1999

It was so cold today the flashers in Times Square we're describing themselves. --David Letterman 1/5/1999

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And now, they are coming for your Social Security (but why is it 3,000 degrees?)

Yesterday it was revealed that Donald Trump’s personal attorney, Michael Cohen, who made a $130,000 payment to Stormy Daniels, had received half a million dollars from a Russian businessman with ties to Vladimir Putin. This story sounds like a word problem you’d see on a math test: If Michael Cohen received $500,000 from the Russians, but only gave $130,000 to Stormy Daniels, how many years does Michael spend in jail? --James Corden

A Colorado woman was tracked down by police after blowing up a microwave at 7-Eleven. Now, that’s not the crazy part — she did it while trying to heat a cup of urine. I sympathize with this woman, I know how it can be in the morning. I mean, don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my first cup of urine. --James Corden

Police found the woman at a nearby clinic where she was planning to take a drug test for a potential job. Imagine being the person testing this urine. “No signs of marijuana, but why is it 3,000 degrees?” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And now for the bad news — that’s ALL he wore (Donald Trump Said That)

Starting this week, every fast food chain in America has to post calorie counts on their menus. You can tell people are confused, because today they read the menu like, “I’ll have the Whopper 3,000!” --Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Colorado was cited for property damage after she used a 7-Eleven microwave to heat up a urine sample, and it exploded. The 7-Eleven owner was like, “Lady, if you wanted hot urine, you could’ve just poured yourself a coffee.” --Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, Chip Gaines from the HGTV show “Fixer Upper” ran a marathon while wearing a tool belt. And now for the bad news — that’s ALL he wore. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Willing to accept obscene amounts of money (because it’s too small)

7-Eleven has announced they are going to be offering healthier options for their customers. The CEO said, "We want our customers to live to be as old as one of our hot dogs." --Conan O’Brien

Some critics are now saying that NASA will be unable to use SpaceX's rocket because it’s too small. However, SpaceX insists that it's just the cold weather. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

If You’re Here, You’re Probably Hungover (Trojan condoms study)

7-Eleven announced it’s now offering “breakfast pizza.” It’s all in keeping with 7-Eleven’s motto: “If You’re Here, You’re Probably Hungover.” –Conan O’Brien

According to a new study, the average cost of raising a child in America is now over $200,000. The study was funded by Trojan condoms. –Conan O’Brien

CNN reported that last Friday intelligence chiefs presented Trump with claims of Russian efforts compromise him. I gotta say, that is an awkward first meeting with your new boss. “Hey, so, looking forward to working together, watercooler’s down the hall, we heard you’re a puppet of a hostile foreign government, Barbara validates parking any time you need it, any questions?” –Stephen Colbert

X-Men use their superpowers to try and stop the Backstreet Boys

The producers of the X-Men movies say their next X-Men movie will take place in the 1990s. In it, the X-Men use their superpowers to try and stop the Backstreet Boys. –Conan O’Brien

At this moment, a 7-Eleven cashier from Connecticut is trying to become the first woman to climb Mt. Everest seven times. She said, "If I can survive a 7-Eleven hot dog, I can survive anything." –Conan O’Brien

Google has created several new emojis aimed at empowering women. So congratulations women, you asked for equal pay and you got five new emojis. –Conan O’Brien

Art thou up?

A motel owner in Colorado revealed that he spent 29 years watching his customers have sex. He finally stopped when he got cable. –Conan O’Brien

There's a new app that turns your texts into lines from Shakespeare. The most popular one used for booty calls is, "Art thou up?" –Conan O’Brien

The IRS has introduced new technology allowing you to pay your taxes at a 7-Eleven. So just imagine: You can now declare your earnings from 2015 while eating a hot dog from 2005. –Conan O’Brien

The New York primary is fast approaching and Ted Cruz today stopped in Brooklyn to tour a matzah bakery. But he still didn't see as many crackers as Donald Trump does at his rallies. –Seth Meyers

While campaigning in New York today, Hillary Clinton rode the subway and had to swipe her metro card five times before getting through a turnstile. Though if you know Hillary Clinton, you know she'll keep trying until she gets in. –Seth Meyers

Whopper Wine

Donald Trump's wife Melania just gave an interview where she said their 9-year-old son Barron wants to grow up to be a golfer, a businessman, and a pilot. When Melania told him that's very unlikely to happen, he replied, “Dad's in first place for president, anything can happen.” –Jimmy Fallon

Burger King has begun bottling its own merlot and they call it Whopper Wine. Not to be outdone, 7-Eleven has begun selling a product fermented for six months. They call it a hot dog. –Conan O’Brien