Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service (emotional shockwave)

Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry has been named Donald Trump’s pick for secretary of energy. And I have to say, he is the most qualified candidate from that particular season of “Dancing with the Stars.” –Seth Meyers

A new report projects that by 2020 the legal marijuana industry will create more than a quarter of a million jobs for people to be late to. –Seth Meyers

"The Arizona legislature passed a bill that would allow business owners asserting their religious beliefs to deny service to gay customers. Some businesses have already put up signs that read: 'Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service.'" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But don't worry, you'll still be able to see him on ABC's 'Dancing With the Stars.' (to help you get your numbers up)

"Mitt Romney spent something like $35 million of his own money. If he loses any more, he may have to run as a Democrat." -Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is here in California to try and boost the campaigns of several of the Republican candidates out here. Boy, how low are you in the polls when you bring in Cheney to help you get your numbers up?" --Jay Leno

 

Fidel Castro has resigned today as the president of Cuba. But don't worry, you'll still be able to see him on ABC's 'Dancing With the Stars.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the New Testament focuses on a guy who hates money (the opposite of what America does)

Donald Trump is facing criticism for refusing to name his favorite Bible verse. In Trump's defense, it's hard to be a fan of the Bible when three out of the seven deadly sins helped him get to where he is today. “Pride, greed and wrath have served me very well.” –Jimmy Fallon

President Trump was also asked if he preferred the New Testament or the Old Testament of the Bible and he responded, “Uh, probably equal.” It's a tough choice, because the Old Testament focuses on immigrants moving to a new country and the New Testament focuses on a guy who hates money. –Jimmy Fallon

Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry will compete on the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. Which is why this season it will be called “Dancing with the Stars … and Rick Perry.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The top all-time recipients of insurance money (Well, as Sarah Palin points out we did steal their land)

"For most Americans, Obamacare is a lot like sex. You do it online, it's incredibly frustrating and the idea of anyone getting it makes Republicans insane." –Bill Maher

"Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If the Indians have a rocket that works, but the North Koreans don't, we have to stop being scared of North Korea and start being scared of India. Now, you may ask, why would the Indians launch a missile at us? Well, as Sarah Palin points out we did steal their land." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

First choice? Invade Wall Street (Stop pointing out our lies and hypocrisy!)

Hillary Clinton taped the 'Tyra Banks Show,' which will air, I guess, on Friday. Tyra asked Hillary if she could be on a reality show, which reality show would she like to be on. Hillary said 'Dancing With The Stars.' If Barack Obama keeps doing well, she can be on that show sooner than she thinks." --Jay Leno

"Last night in Florida, the Gators got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush. And UCLA shot so badly they got a phone call from Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced today that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market. Actually, that was Bush's second choice to fix the problem. First choice? Invade Wall Street." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is why Republicans can't have sex scandals (Live from the White House panic room)

 

"John McCain wants to postpone Friday night's presidential debate. And he has temporarily suspended his campaign. Yeah, so, apparently, this news about Clay Aiken being gay has affected him more than anybody thought." --Jay Leno

 

"I don't want to say Mitt Romney did bad, but this was the worst night for Mormons since Marie Osmond passed out on Dancing with the Stars." --Jay Leno

 

"No, actually, the real reason McCain says he's postponing the debate is to concentrate on the economic crisis. In fact, President Bush spoke to the nation earlier tonight, addressing the financial crisis. He spoke live from the White House panic room." --Jay Leno

"This is why Republicans can't have sex scandals. They're just too creepy. The Democrats, they've got hookers, mistresses, interns -- not girl scouts!" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay (beep beep, boop bopping)

"Ann Romney, the wife of Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.' Apparently, she has something called 'self-respect. Actually, she says she loves to dance and is a big fan of the show, but she said she'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno

"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay." –Jay Leno

"Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns." –Jay Leno

"A new poll says 84% of Americans disapprove of Congress' job. The other 16% weren't aware Congress was doing one." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She said she'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser (this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns)

"Ann Romney, the wife of Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.' Apparently, she has something called 'self-respect. Actually, she says she loves to dance and is a big fan of the show, but she said she'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno

"Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns." –Jay Leno

"Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

Or as Fox News reported, the apocalypse is upon us (My work here is done)

November 2013

"The new mayor of New York City is a progressive Democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. Or as Fox News reported, the apocalypse is upon us." –Conan O'Brien 

"The new mayor is married to a woman who used to be a lesbian. His campaign slogan: 'If I turned her around, imagine what I can do for New York City!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie won a second term as New Jersey governor last night. We like him. He's a good guy. Christie said he couldn't have done it without his biggest supporter – and then his belt said, 'Happy to help, man.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie won a second term as New Jersey governor. And in honor of his big win, I promise no more fat jokes about him tonight. But seriously, the margin of victory was so big, even he could walk through it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bill de Blasio became New York City's first Democratic mayor in 20 years by getting an amazing 73 percent of the vote. They're saying a lot of the voting machines were malfunctioning. In fact, there were so many glitches, Bill de Blasio won the mayor's race AND 'Dancing With The Stars.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, has admitted that he smoked crack a year ago when he was in a quote, 'drunken stupor.' Geez, if that guy smokes crack when he's drunk, I'd hate to see what happens when he smokes crack." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

after which he will be remanded into the custody of Dancing With the Stars (The Shaman-Shank Redemption)

November 2021

“Jacob Chansley, the infamous insurrectionist known as the QAnon Shaman who took part in the Capitol attack on Jan. 6, is probably not gonna be storming anything any time soon. This week, prosecutors suggested that Chansley be sentenced to more than four years in prison for his role in the incursion, which would be the most severe punishment yet for a participant. Prosecutors are recommending 51 months behind bars, after which he will be remanded into the custody of ‘Dancing With the Stars.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Weird to think the QAnon Shaman could get four years in prison when the guy who encouraged him to do it could get four more years in the White House.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And also, can we stop calling him a shaman now? I mean, that would make half the fans at the Buffalo Bills game shamans too.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“I support a four-year prison sentence for any adult wearing a costume.” —James Corden

“They’re asking for three years for the riot, and an extra year because he used to be in an improv group.” —James Corden

“He may be going to prison for years. Even worse, they’re also making a movie about all of this: ‘The Shaman-Shank Redemption.’” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That guy's on too many shows (the NRA and deer)

September 2013

"President Obama is going to address the nation on Syria tomorrow night, which means here on NBC 'America's Got Talent' will be delayed by 'America's Got Problems.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama is talking tough. He said he will not rest until Syrian President Assad's power has been reduced to the point where he's on 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"Serena Williams won her 17th Grand Slam title at the U.S. Open. I haven't seen that many Grand Slams since Chris Christie went out to Denny's with me the other night." –Jimmy Fallon 

"President Obama did six TV interviews today to explain his decision to strike Syria. Yeah, six. Even Ryan Seacrest was like, 'That guy's on too many shows.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We should be impressed that he is even wearing pants (Indiana Jones has one)

September 2013

"While some believe it may be inappropriate to play a video game while the committee is deciding whether or not to kill people and potentially start a war, I say it's John McCain, the man is 114 years old, give him a break. We should be impressed that he is even wearing pants." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They announced the new cast of 'Dancing With the Stars' this morning. As is the custom, President Obama introduced the new cast at a press conference on the White House lawn." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"All week president Obama has been saying he will seek congressional approval for the strike but he insists he doesn't really need it. When asked by the media if he was sending mixed messages, the president said: 'Yes and no.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama says the lack of response to Syria so far does not threaten his credibility. And you know something, he's right. The economy, Benghazi, the spying scandal – that threatens his credibility, but this other stuff, no." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You try staying awake through a Latin mass (It's embarrassing I have to keep explaining this)

February 2013

"Today the Pope made his last public appearance. That is, until the new season of 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope said that the past few years have been very difficult for the church and at times he felt that "the lord seemed to be asleep." When asked for comment the lord said, 'You try staying awake through a Latin mass.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Big international controversy about the Oscars. When they aired in Iran, the Iranian government digitally added sleeves to Michelle Obama's gown. They also altered the video so that Jennifer Lawrence is now deliberately tripped by the Israelis." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains why, during his last two races, he didn't even need a bike (thirty hissing possums in a barn)

January 2013

"It was reported that President Obama's 2013 Inauguration Committee is receiving fewer donations than it did in 2009. The scaled-back event will feature fewer inaugural balls, a shorter parade, and a musical performance from the Black Eyed Pea." –Seth Meyers

"Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant on Wednesday asked state legislatures to declare President Obama's new gun control proposals 'illegal,' though I'm not sure if the Mississippi state legislature has that kind of power since it's just thirty hissing possums in a barn." –Seth Meyers

"Ann Romney has reportedly declined an offer to appear on this season's Dancing With The Stars. She's probably not a good fit for the show anyway, because I've heard of her." –Seth Meyers

"During an interview with Oprah Winfrey Thursday, Lance Armstrong admitted to using banned drugs and blood transfusions to get his seven Tour De France victories. Which explains why, during his last two races, he didn't even need a bike." –Seth Meyers

"Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day. So don't forget to set your clock back 100 years." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as Lincoln put it, 'I would have preferred a different ENDING.' (this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns)

January 2013

"On Sunday the White House will hold a private swearing-in ceremony for President Obama. Not to be outdone, on Sunday Republicans will hold a private swearing-at ceremony for President Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"The beginning of the movie 'Lincoln' has been slightly changed to explain the Civil War to foreign audiences. Or as Lincoln put it, 'I would have preferred a different ENDING.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns." –Jay Leno

"Ann Romney, the wife of Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.' Apparently, she has something called 'self-respect. Actually, she says she loves to dance and is a big fan of the show, but she said she'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the next thing you know you're snorting Jolly Ranchers (But did you die?)

November 2012

"I always wonder what the day after the election is like for the candidate who loses. You get so close to becoming the most powerful person in the world and just like that, you wake up hoping to get a call from 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney, the morning after defeat, was in his Boston hotel room surrounded by his children and grandchildren. There was a gallon of chocolate milk on the table. Looks like someone's on a serious bender. It starts with the Nestle Quick, the next thing you know you're snorting Jolly Ranchers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Four counties in Florida were still counting votes today. It's important that they get all of the votes counted because the numbers could drastically affect the outcome of this election in no way whatsoever." –Jimmy Kimmel

"No one is exactly sure why it's taking Florida so long. I'm sure they'll have it all sorted out by Christmas." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At least now he doesn't have to move into a smaller house (That's 21 lobbyists for every member of congress)

November 2012

"What is going on in Florida? They still haven't finished counting the votes there yet. You know, at this point, Florida shouldn't even be allowed to vote for 'American Idol.'" –Jay Leno

"Here is an interesting fact about Tuesday's election. It seems 41 percent of Romney votes were named either Osmond or Romney." –Jay Leno

"There is one silver lining about Mitt Romney losing the election. At least now he doesn't have to move into a smaller house." –Jay Leno

"It's tough losing an election. You know what Romney is doing right now? He's rehearsing for Dancing with the Stars. And I tell you, he aint' gonna win that one either." –Jay Leno

"NBC News was the first to call the election for President Obama. ABC News was the first to call a cab for Diane Sawyer." –Jay Leno

"The rumor is that Diane Sawyer allegedly had been drinking on election night. In fact, today Mitt Romney called and said, 'You got any left?'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

next year, he'll be competing in Dancing with the Stars (We got outbribed)

August 2012

"In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."  –David Letterman 

"Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –David Letterman 

"After Romney's horse finished 18th it refused to release its tax records." –David Letterman

"How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed." – David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm not usually one to defend Fox News but right back at ya, Al Qaeda (his lifelong dream of losing by a landslide)

May 2012

"According to documents recovered from Osama Bin Laden's compound before his death, the Al Qaeda leader was worried that morale in the terrorist organization was fading. Bin Laden was concerned that his men were so depressed they wouldn't commit suicide." –Seth Meyers

"The documents also revealed that a spokesperson for Al Qaeda had said that Fox News 'lacks neutrality.' I'm not usually one to defend Fox News but right back at ya, Al Qaeda." –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live

"President Obama visited Afghanistan — unplanned, unannounced, just went right to Afghanistan. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney got in his car and drove through the rough part of Beverly Hills." –David Letterman

"Mitt's wife Ann Romney, Mrs. Mitt, said there's another Mitt Romney that is wild and crazy. She says that one time he changed his name to Mitta World Peace." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich has dropped out of the presidential race. Next stop: 'Dancing with the Stars.’ Now Newt will not be able to fulfill his lifelong dream of losing by a landslide." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”