I thought that was Ash Wednesday (and brother, same!)

Scientists in Portugal have accidentally created a mouse embryo that has an extra leg where its genitals should be, and brother, same! —Michael Che

Donald Trump said at a rally that he would make November 5th Christian Visibility Day. Wait. I thought that was Ash Wednesday. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I accidentally gave my priest chocolates and lingerie (he has some very big clown shoes to fill)

Valentine’s Day and Ash Wednesday are on the same day this year, which is confusing – I accidentally gave my priest chocolates and lingerie. —Jimmy Kimmel

Tom Suozzi, a Democrat, won a special election on Tuesday to fill the congressional seat previously occupied by George Santos. We congratulated Suozzi on his win on Wednesday, he has some very big clown shoes to fill. —Jimmy Kimmel

They actually had to wait to verify the election to make sure the winner wasn’t George Santos in disguise. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I spent an hour last night rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet (Should students learn why he wasn't allowed to play?)

June 2014

"This bird flu is scary, are you frightened by this? I spent an hour last night rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet." --Jay Leno

 

"Listen to this. If any of these jokes bomb tonight, the federal government will step in and bail me out. Whew! Thank goodness." --Jay Leno

 

"Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent. You know what President Bush is giving up for Lent? Our ports." --Jay Leno

"The White House has given permission for a company owned by the government of Dubai to run six U.S. ports, including the Port of New York. Now Dubai was accused of supporting the September 11th attacks and was one of only three countries to support the Taliban. Now they're going to run the Port of New York. What's next, we'll put Mexico in charge of immigration? How about Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety? Courtney Love in charge of Olympic drug testing?" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jeeves, be a good chap and remove my opera gloves (his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows)

"Mitt Romney is going to release 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney lost in South Carolina. He's getting desperate. With the Florida primaries coming up, today Mitt Romney's campaign staff said the gloves are off. Or to use Romney's exact words, "Jeeves, be a good chap and remove my opera gloves.'" –Conan O'Brien

It’s rumored that Donald Trump’s transition team is paying seat fillers to attend his inauguration. Just a word of advice to the Trump seat-fillers: Make sure you get paid up front, OK? Get the cash. –Conan O’Brien

In New Hampshire, 64 percent of Republican voters want to ban Muslims from entering the U.S. The other 36 percent are familiar with the Constitution. –Conan O’Brien

Today is Ash Wednesday — that’s the first day of Lent when most Catholics give something up. It seems like Catholics in the U.S. decided to give up Marco Rubio. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I'd order a wine cooler (supersizing Ash Wednesday)

"New Rule: Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If the water in your river makes the male fish grow vaginas, stay thirsty. 90% of Washington D.C.'s drinking water comes from the Potomac, a river so polluted with hormones it makes fish change sex. If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I'd order a wine cooler." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know what President Bush is giving up for Lent? (losing stature)

"Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent. You know what President Bush is giving up for Lent? Our ports." --Jay Leno

"President Bush, talking about the port deal, he said we Americans have nothing to fear from the Dubai government running our ports. I know a good way for President Bush to convince everyone of that -- let the Dubai government handle his security. Hey if it's good enough for us, it should be good enough for him." --Jay Leno

"President Bush made a surprise trip to Afghanistan, and he promised the Afghanis that the United States would not cut and run. Then he got on his plane and left." --Conan O'Brien

Pretty sure Jesus didn't die to get you ready for bikini season

After last night's New Hampshire primary it looks like Chris Christie is out, which isn't surprising — he doesn't look like the kind of guy who wins a lot of races. –James Corden

Is it possible for a man to be sadder than Jeb Bush? We are a week away from Jeb Bush walking on stage at the debate just wearing sweat pants, eating cereal directly out of the box, and just going, "Oh, what's the point." –James Corden

The real story of last night's primary was John Kasich, who out of nowhere managed to take second place with Republicans. It seems like Kasich's major selling point is that he's not Trump, Cruz, or Jeb. –James Corden

Today is Ash Wednesday, which is the official beginning of Lent. I've noticed a lot of people use Lent as an excuse to diet. They give up things like chocolate or carbs for 40 days and claim it's for religious reasons. Pretty sure Jesus didn't die to get you ready for bikini season. –Jimmy Kimmel

It could be worse!

Today is Ash Wednesday — that’s the first day of Lent when most Catholics give something up. It seems like Catholics in the U.S. decided to give up Marco Rubio. –Conan O’Brien

J.K. Rowling will publish another Harry Potter book this summer and in this one, Harry is a father. Until chapter three, when Maury Povich shows up. –Conan O’Brien

Bernie Sanders is the first Jewish person ever to win a presidential primary. Which is why he celebrated his victory by telling the crowd, "It could be worse!" –Conan O’Brien