I don't need another step between me and toast (I said hey, maybe it's just a race)

Pepperidge Farm bread is some fine bread. That stuff is fancy man. It's wrapped twice. You open it and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast. --Mitch Hedberg

I was home last week and I heard a gunshot outside of my apartment, then I saw two guys run by my window. So I was gonna call the police but then I got optimistic. I said hey, maybe it's just a race. —Mitch Hedberg

They have a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. --Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”