I don't need another step between me and toast (confused screaming)

I perform at a lot of colleges and I always buy the shirt from the college because the quality shirts are good and they are colorful. But people get the wrong idea. I walk around with a Washington University shirt on, some guy goes, ‘Hey, Washington. Did you go there?’ I said, ‘Yeah. It was a Wednesday.’ —Mitch Hedberg

Pepperidge Farm bread is some fine bread. That stuff is fancy man. It's wrapped twice. You open it and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast. --Mitch Hedberg

They have a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. --Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, you mean 0.15 Iraq Wars? (I don't need another step between me and toast)

Dogs are forever in the push-up position. --Mitch Hedberg

Advil has a candy coating, it's delicious. It says right on the bottle do not have more than two. Well then do not put a candy coating around it. --Mitch Hedberg

I find that a ducks opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. --Mitch Hedberg

Pepperidge Farm bread is some fine bread. That stuff is fancy man. It's wrapped twice. You open it and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast. --Mitch Hedberg

I like escalators, because the escalator cannot break. It just becomes stairs. --Mitch Hedberg

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”