They said it couldn’t be done but we did it (the friction of the conviction)

“[As Michael Bloomberg] That’s right. We spent half a billion dollars to absolutely eat [expletive]. They said it couldn’t be done but we did it.” —Trevor Noah

“I’m not going to lie — I still can’t believe Mike Bloomberg spent $500 million to not be president. Now, like, I’m also not going to be the president, but I spent nothing. No, so in a certain way, I feel like I saved $500 million, yeah?” —Trevor Noah

“The good news for Donald Trump is that he’s only facing two charges. Although in a way, that’s also kinda sad for him, since Nixon had three articles brought against him (he resigned before they were passed), Bill Clinton had four, and Andrew Johnson had 11, which means Trump will have the smallest impeachment of all time. You know that’s going to make him insecure – he’s gonna be like, ‘It’s not about the size of the impeachment, it’s about the friction of the conviction.’” --Trevor Noah (2019)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

for an extra grand, an extra thousand dollars, she'll actually shoot the main course (They think they're getting Tina Fey)

"You can have dinner with Sarah Palin. They're auctioning it off. Have you heard of it? And the starting bid is $25,000. And this could be exciting. And they say now, unofficially, that for an extra grand, an extra thousand dollars, she'll actually shoot the main course." -David Letterman

"And then next month, Sarah Palin is going to Hong Kong for a speaking engagement in Hong Kong. She says she can almost see Hong Kong from her house. The Chinese are all very excited, though. They think they're getting Tina Fey." --David Letterman

"Happy Rosh Hashanah. In honor of the Jewish new year, Mayor Bloomberg has banned the 16-ounce brisket." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Justice is what love looks like in public (I feel like now Canada is just rubbing it in)

“President Trump has insisted that his name go on the stimulus checks. Now that the check has Trump’s name on it, the bank will probably decline it out of habit.” —Trevor Noah

“[As Michael Bloomberg] That’s right. We spent half a billion dollars to absolutely eat [expletive]. They said it couldn’t be done but we did it.” —Trevor Noah

“The unemployment system is built on technology that is one degree above Amish, unlike that in Canada where residents have received more money faster and in some cases, too much money. I feel like now Canada is just rubbing it in.” —Trevor Noah

“No one is blaming Trump for the coronavirus — people just don’t want him ignoring it like it will just go away. This is a global pandemic, not his son Eric.” — Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

the NCAA asked women to cough into a handkerchief and whisper ‘it’s nothing.’ (that’s four and a half Michael Bloombergs)

“The pandemic is having a devastating impact on the economy – restaurants alone could lose $225 Billion in the next three months. For scale, that’s four and a half Michael Bloombergs.” —Samantha Bee

If we were to take one lesson from the shutdown, which of course we won't. Maybe we'd think a little more about the things we are and aren't willing to spend money on. This year we've allotted more than seven hundred billion dollars in defense spending. That's more than the government spends on education, transportation, energy, agriculture, space, justice, the environment, Veterans, Health and Human Services, Commerce, homeland security, housing, the interior, labor, the Treasury and the State Department, COMBINED! That is such a huge number that if you typed it into a calculator and turned it upside down it would say, “Use this money to pay for universal healthcare, you boobs! --Samantha Bee

“It’s no secret that the NCAA is mistreating its female athletes at the March Madness college basketball tournament. After being criticized by some players for vast discrepancies in weight rooms between the men and women, the NCAA apologized but their real message had already been sent. Women athletes are worth less than men. The NCAA also provided the women with less opulent swag bags, lower-quality food and less accurate Covid tests. Basically, while the men got the gold standard of virus testing, the NCAA asked women to cough into a handkerchief and whisper ‘it’s nothing.’” —Samantha Bee

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, if that expression means you’re happy, then my wife was thrilled when I forgot her birthday (the official sport of the NRA)

Daylight Savings Time began yesterday where we all lost an hour of sleep — and somehow Ben Carson gained four. --Seth Meyers

The owner of a Greek soccer team this weekend stormed onto the field during a match waving a handgun. So long story short, soccer is now the official sport of the NRA. --Seth Meyers

“Michael Bloomberg spent half a billion dollars and all he got was a nationally televised atomic wedgie from Elizabeth Warren in the debates.” —Seth Meyers

Chris Christie was asked today about his vacant expression during Donald Trump’s Super Tuesday victory speech, and told reporters, “I wasn’t anything other than happy.” Well, if that expression means you’re happy, then my wife was thrilled when I forgot her birthday. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

for an extra thousand dollars, she'll actually shoot the main course (16-ounce brisket)

"You can have dinner with Sarah Palin. They're auctioning it off. Have you heard of it? And the starting bid are $25,000. And this could be exciting. And they say now, unofficially, that for an extra grand, an extra thousand dollars, she'll actually shoot the main course." --David Letterman

"Now, we can't keep Dick Cheney quiet. He's talking about maybe running for president in 2012. And he says he's willing to return to the White House, he'll go back to the White House, but only if he can bring his assistant, Egor." --David Letterman

"Happy Rosh Hashanah. In honor of the Jewish new year, Mayor Bloomberg has banned the 16-ounce brisket." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For scale, that’s four and a half Michael Bloombergs (Fairly simple thing that happens to work)

"My sister has multiple personalities. She called me the other day and my caller ID exploded."--Zach Galifianakis

"Never again will Brian Williams mislead this great nation about being shot at in a war we probably wouldn’t have ended up in if the media had applied this level of scrutiny to the actual f**king war." –Jon Stewart

“The pandemic is having a devastating impact on the economy – restaurants alone could lose $225 Billion in the next three months. For scale, that’s four and a half Michael Bloombergs.” —Samantha Bee

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

although she can be called back to active duty on a moment's notice (the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle)

November 2013

"According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle." –Conan O'Brien

"Here in New York City we have a new mayor, Bill de Blasio. He's 6 feet, 7 inches tall and his wife is a former lesbian. She's a former lesbian although she can be called back to active duty on a moment's notice." –David Letterman

"The new mayor is not to be confused with current Mayor Bloomberg, the outgoing mayor. He's a former leprechaun." –David Letterman

"They caught a guy in the Secret Service sending out suggestive and graphic emails to women. On the bright side, it's nice to know somebody in the White House knows how to operate the computer." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

And it's been smooth sailing ever since (Ratio of pay: CEO vs Average Worker)

November 2013

"New York City is going to get a new mayor. It's between some tall white guy and some short white guy. That's all I know." –David Letterman

"The tall white guy is really tall. He's 6'7'. This is a jumbo mayor. He said if he's elected, Mayor Bloomberg can live in his pocket. Mayor Bloomberg is a tiny guy." –David Letterman

"Mayor Bloomberg has been mayor of New York City for 12 years. We'll all miss Mayor Bloomberg. But he says 12 years is plenty. That's three terms. He now just wants to settle down and spend more time with his money." –David Letterman

"One year ago today President Obama won re-election. And it's been smooth sailing ever since." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That would be like Scotland suing over the movie Shrek (Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote)

March 2013

“The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie Argo. They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie Shrek.” –Craig Ferguson

“As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote.” –Craig Ferguson

“A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.” –Craig Ferguson

“How would the government try to enforce something like that? It's not like Obama's got a secret fleet of robotic aircraft circling over, watching everything people do with little cameras.” –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wasn't that the plot of Footloose? (No that's socialism!)

March 2013

"All tours of the White House have been canceled due to budget concerns. Don't worry, there's another way get into the White House if you don't belong. Fake your birth certificate." –Craig Ferguson

"Tonight there's a comet. A comet making the closest approach ever to earth. Now is it really a comet? Or is it one of President Obama's drones?" –Craig Ferguson

"New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has a new crusade. He wants people to stop listening to loud music in their headphones. Wasn't that the plot of 'Footloose'?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mayor Bloomberg must throw the worst parties ever. How long before he just starts showing up on street corners and whacking the hot dogs out of people's hands?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mark Zuckerberg unveiled a new Facebook news feed today. It promises to revolutionize the way we see pictures of our friends' feet on vacation." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants (The signatures are from every state but Texas)

November 2012

"There's a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The signatures are from every state but Texas." –Conan O'Brien

"The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants." –David Letterman

"Then they start decorating the tree with a beautiful array of Christmas lights and on the very top they put a tiny little Mayor Bloomberg. In fact, it actually is Mayor Bloomberg." –David Letterman

"According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber. High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants (A Wet Willie)

November 2012

"There's a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The signatures are from every state but Texas." –Conan O'Brien

"The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants." –David Letterman

"Then they start decorating the tree with a beautiful array of Christmas lights and on the very top they put a tiny little Mayor Bloomberg. In fact, it actually is Mayor Bloomberg." –David Letterman

"According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber. High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya (his crusade against the laughter of children)

August 2012

"Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya." –Conan O'Brien

"Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She's dating an older retired guy. What's going on?" –Conan O'Brien

"It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet." –Conan O'Brien

"Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker." –Conan O'Brien

"Mayor Michael Bloomberg is saying now that he has banned large sodas in New York City, his next target is going to be alcohol. Once that's out of the way he'll start his crusade against the laughter of children." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No, no, this is medicinal Mountain Dew (Repeat After Me...)

June 2012

"Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed giant cans of soda. When you outlaw stuff it creates crime. I saw a guy today walking down the street and a cop is arresting him because he's got a huge can of soda, and he said 'No, no, this is medicinal Mountain Dew.'" –David Letterman

"Now Mayor Bloomberg wants to make something else illegal. He wants to remove the third layer from a club sandwich." –David Letterman

"Another al-Qaida No. 2 guy was hit by a drone. I'm telling you, these Al Qaeda leaders, they don't last as long as a Kardashian marriage." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

A new report found that prostitutes are using Twitter as a free way to advertise (How bittersweet for Sarah Palin)

May 2012

"Another parent of the year nominee, Levi Johnston, will become a father again — with another girlfriend. They have already settled on a name, and that name is Breeze Beretta. I'm surprised by this. Levi usually makes sound decisions." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Beretta is the name of a gun manufacturer. How bittersweet for Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Senator Joe Biden and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg played a round of golf together last week. Biden shot an 89 while Bloomberg shot the person who arranged a round of golf with Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Levi Johnston and his girlfriend revealed that they will name their child Breeze Beretta. I can't tell if it's a boy or a girl or a Jamba Juice." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report found that prostitutes are using Twitter as a free way to advertise. They are getting a lot of retweets from one user — @secret service." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

they're already talking about replacing him with Ashton Kutcher (Don't mention it to China)

June 2011

"Anthony Weiner wants to be mayor of New York City. So we may go from Bloomberg,  a guy that looks like a jockey, to a guy that likes how he looks in Jockeys." –David Letterman 

"If Weiner resigns, they're already talking about replacing him with Ashton Kutcher." –David Letterman

"President Obama has offered bailout money to keep Greece from defaulting on its loans. Yeah, when Greece thanked him, Obama was like, 'Don't mention it . . . to China, because it's their money.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You have to be, like, 25% famous to get tested (For scale, that’s four and a half Michael Bloombergs)

“The pandemic is having a devastating impact on the economy – restaurants alone could lose $225 Billion in the next three months. For scale, that’s four and a half Michael Bloombergs.” —Samantha Bee

“The economic impact of coronavirus has created a Catch-22: if you do have a job, you could be forced to work in dangerous conditions. For example, last week Amazon discovered a coronavirus case in one of its New York warehouses, and while they’re being generous enough to offer a whole extra $2 an hour for working during a plague, they offered paid time off only if workers tested positive. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but those tests are kind of hard to come by right now. You have to be, like, 25% famous to get tested. It’s the new getting verified on Twitter.” —Samantha Bee

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They said it couldn’t be done but we did it (nationally televised atomic wedgie)

“[As Michael Bloomberg] That’s right. We spent half a billion dollars to absolutely eat [expletive]. They said it couldn’t be done but we did it.” —Trevor Noah

“He spent $500 million and the only place he won was American Samoa. It would have been cheaper for him to just buy American Samoa.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Bloomberg spent half a billion dollars and all he got was a nationally televised atomic wedgie from Elizabeth Warren in the debates.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

in a certain way, I feel like I saved $500 million (Oh my god, I wasted a billion dollars Wednesday)

“Sadly, for him and nobody else, Bloomberg came up really short last night. He also didn’t do well in the primaries, leaving him to drop out of the race this morning.” —Samantha Bee

“Last night was Super Tuesday and today for Mike Bloomberg it was, ‘Oh my god, I wasted a billion dollars Wednesday.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“I’m not going to lie — I still can’t believe Mike Bloomberg spent $500 million to not be president. Now, like, I’m also not going to be the president, but I spent nothing. No, so in a certain way, I feel like I saved $500 million, yeah?” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”