I think I rented that once (True story!)

The song "12 Days of Christmas." For someone who claims to be my true love, you sure gave me some terrible gifts. In fact, I'm going to have to take these on one by one. 12 drummers drumming. Oh, just what I wanted. 12 hippies in a drum circle. 11 pipers piping. This is Christmas, not a Scottish funeral. 10 lords a-leaping? How about you leap in front of a moving truck? 9 ladies dancing. Let me guess -- too much wine at book club? 8 maids a-milking. I think I rented that once. 7 swans a-swimming. Go duck yourself. 6 geese a-laying. Go flock yourself. 5 golden rings? What am I -- Liberace? 4 calling birds. No one calls anymore. Shoot me a text or F off. 3 French hens. French hens? This is America, pal. We call 'em freedom chickens. 2 turtle doves. Are you a turtle or a dove? Pick one. A partridge in a pear tree? I got a bird for ya right here, buddy. --Seth Meyers

Bethlehem innkeepers. Where do you get off turning away a pregnant woman? You're lucky Yelp wasn't around during the time of the Bible, or you would've been savaged. Also, you sent them to the manger?! Here is a tidbit of common decency. If you run an inn and a woman needs to give birth, maybe do better than the shack where your goats eat. It's disgusting, and that's coming from a guy whose wife gave birth in the lobby of a New York City apartment building. True story! --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trying to figure out where he knows Prince Andrew from (smuggling falcons)

President Trump says he knows the addresses of every drug lord in Mexico. Once again, a shout out to Hunter's Laptop. —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, a man charged with smuggling sedated parakeets in his underwear told suspicious border agents that the bulge in his pants was his genitals. Great. Now the TSA is going to think I’m smuggling falcons. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Are we taking the choo-choo or the beep-beep? (a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business)

“The National Park Service is asking visitors to please stop licking the hallucinogenic toads. The toads issued a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business.” —Jimmy Fallon

I saw that President Trump leaves for a 12-day trip to Asia tomorrow. It got off to a bad start when he asked, “How long is the drive? Are we taking the choo-choo or the beep-beep?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded (they've put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders)

"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I

went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked

if I wanted it regular or unleaded."  –David Letterman

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sometimes I forget I'm driving a car (You gotta be WAY more specific)

I saw that a life-sized statue of President Trump was just installed on a park bench here in New York. Even pigeons were like, “I’m gonna take my business elsewhere.” –Jimmy Fallon

You know the band Belle and Sebastian? Well, they accidentally left the drummer behind at a Walmart in his pajamas, with no phone or wallet. So they called Walmart to see if there was a guy wandering around in his PJs with no phone or wallet, and Walmart said, “You gotta be WAY more specific.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah. It was a Wednesday (other dwelling cheese's)

I perform at a lot of colleges and I always buy the shirt from the college because the quality shirts are good and they are colorful. But people get the wrong idea. I walk around with a Washington University shirt on, some guy goes, ‘Hey, Washington. Did you go there?’ I said, ‘Yeah. It was a Wednesday.’ —Mitch Hedberg

I like to sleep, but I hate to dream because dreaming takes energy. It takes work. Sleeping is supposed to be relaxing. I lay down on a bed. It feels great, but the next thing you know I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord. —Mitch Hedberg

I was at a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich but I don't think the waitress understood me because she said how would you like your eggs. So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said incubated and then raised and then beheaded and then plucked and then cut up and then put onto a grill and they put onto a bun. Damn, it’s gonna take awhile. I don’t have that kind of time. Scrambled. —Mitch Hedberg

I love cottage cheese, that's why I want to try other dwelling cheese's too. I want to try studio apartment cheese or maybe igloo cheese or if I'm feeling adventurous, mobile home cheese. —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Their entire ideology is faceplanting in front of the entire world (Power Bottom)

In some great economic news for President Biden, U.S. Oil production hit an all-time high this week, and the economy added a surprisingly robust 350,000 jobs. Or as Fox News reported it, are migrants turning your kids trans? —Colin Jost

Campaign finance records show in the last six months, the Super Pacs behind Donald Trump spent $50 million on legal fees, and that’s with the cheapest worst lawyers on the planet. Can you imagine spending $50 million on the people who just lost you $83 million? Trump’s lawyer did such a bad job I thought her actual name was overruled sit down. —Colin Jost

The FCC is preparing to criminalize unsolicited robocalls that use AI to impersonate politicians. You can still impersonate Ted Cruz by shaving a sloth’s face. —Colin Jost

A family in Michigan whose duck lost its mate placed a personal ad online to find the bird a new partner, and in a loving act of understanding, they even specified, Power Bottom. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks (The man says he's excited to spend the entire year drunk)

A man in London just took Uber's one-billionth ride, and to celebrate, Uber gave him a year's worth of free rides. The man says he's excited to spend the entire year drunk. –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains why this year’s most popular baby name is Funyuns (there’s probably a lot you’d want to forget)

Health officials say there’s a new trend of women using marijuana during their pregnancy. Which explains why this year’s most popular baby name is Funyuns. –Conan O’Brien

According to a new study that just came out, older men who frequently use a sauna are less likely to develop dementia. Which is too bad, because if you’re spending that much time looking at old naked guys, there’s probably a lot you’d want to forget. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Good luck getting Governor Chris Christie to sign that one (the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam)

"The head of the Federal Aviation Administration has been arrested on charges of drunk driving. I don't want to say how much the guy drank, but when they pulled him over, he was driving the beverage cart.'" –Jay Leno

"New Jersey legislators want to ban eating while driving. Good luck getting Governor Chris Christie to sign that one." –Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because in New Jersey, every bird coughs (How not to wear a Disney sweater)

"The Senate is considering a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage. The amendment is expected to fall a few votes short because Senators Orrin Hatch and Trent Lott are antiquing in Vermont." --Conan O'Brien

"The founders of Ben & Jerry's ice cream are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary Clinton, which makes sense because Baracky Road is a catchier name for an ice cream than Pantsuits and Cream." --Conan O'Brien

 

"A mild form of bird flu has been detected in New Jersey. Health officials said the bird flu was hard to detect, because in New Jersey, every bird coughs." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

These experts have been described as "single." (Screw It, Have the Fudge)

Scientists now say life on Earth may have started after an accidental mashup between DNA and RNA. When asked for comment, Larry King said, “That was one crazy weekend, man.” –Conan O’Brien

In Boston, experts believe they have found Paul Revere's outhouse and they say they are excited to examine his fecal matter. These experts have been described as "single." –Conan O’Brien

Weight Watchers announced it's changing its name. They've changed their name to "Screw It, Have the Fudge." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

then he went back to his private island to hunt human prey (enhanced quail hunting)

"But according to a newly released memo from the CIA, they used horrible torture techniques on prisoners. Dick Cheney claimed that it wasn't torture. Enhanced interrogation techniques, that's what he called it. And he didn't shoot that guy in the face. No, no, that was enhanced quail hunting." --David Letterman

"It's interesting to me that since they've been out of office, Dick Cheney has really got his nose out of joint. And now he is criticizing the Obama Administration for looking into the CIA torture policy. He says 'You shouldn't be looking into the CIA torturing policy.' He made that announcement, then he went back to his private island to hunt human prey." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire b*st*rds making money off human pain (Who knew George Bush was an alien)

"The republicans shouldn’t be so sad, the Supreme Court also had a ruling this week that was somewhat in their favor. In the Arizona immigration case they did rule that the police can consider you suspicious down there if you have significant difficulty communicating in English. Who knew George Bush was an alien." –Bill Maher

"If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire b*st*rds making money off human pain.'" --Bill Maher

"Whatever you think about Justice John Roberts, he is a serious jurist. His opinion ran 59 pages. Justice Ginsberg's opinion was 61 pages. The four dissenters, their opinion was 65 pages. Clarence Thomas -- 2 pages, and it was all about how nurses should have to look you in the eye during a sponge bath." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They said fishermen down there are catching tuna that are getting 35 miles per gallon (No. 7)

"BP — they are spending $50 million on an advertisement budget to try and put a PR spin on this whole thing. Like, you hear what they said today? This is unbelievable. They said fishermen down there are catching tuna that are getting 35 miles per gallon." –Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh got married for the fourth time on Saturday. He's 59; she's 33. So, I'm doing the math. That means when she's 40, he'll be on wife No. 7." –Jay Leno

"A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today (12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list)

"PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.'" –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien

"They celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House. In keeping with the times, President Obama whacked a giant piñata and then gave it a burial at sea." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just really like shooting arrows at people while wearing a diaper (but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m.)

Everyone says “The early bird gets the worm,” but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m. --Stephen Colbert

Call me a Valentine’s Day traditionalist, but I just really like shooting arrows at people while wearing a diaper. --Stephen Colbert

A president of the United States said, “You think our country’s so innocent?” Has there ever been a president who hates America more? I mean, besides Jefferson Davis. –Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump has a new phrase for all the possible upcoming investigations into his administration. Trump calls it “Presidential Harassment.” It’s like sexual harassment, only republicans take it seriously. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

400 selfies of a bear is also known as a Grindr profile (My dad's a bald eagle and my mom's a Big Mac)

February 2023

A genetic engineering company has announced plans to bring back the long extinct Dodo bird, but only for a limited time at Arby’s. —Colin Jost

Police officials in Colorado say that a bear discovered a wildlife camera in the woods and posed for more than 400 selfies. 400 selfies of a bear is also known as a Grindr profile. —Colin Jost

For the first time ever, two brothers will be facing off against each other in the Super Bowl. Incidentally two brothers in the Super Bowl is why my grandfather won’t be watching. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan (the science of marijuana)

"During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, 'I'm the president, but he's the boss.' At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan." –Seth Meyers

The University of Vermont has announced that they will now offer a course on the science of marijuana. The earliest it’s offered is 2 p.m. –Seth Meyers

The song "12 Days of Christmas." For someone who claims to be my true love, you sure gave me some terrible gifts. In fact, I'm going to have to take these on one by one. 12 drummers drumming. Oh, just what I wanted. 12 hippies in a drum circle. 11 pipers piping. This is Christmas, not a Scottish funeral. 10 lords a-leaping? How about you leap in front of a moving truck? 9 ladies dancing. Let me guess -- too much wine at book club? 8 maids a-milking. I think I rented that once. 7 swans a-swimming. Go duck yourself. 6 geese a-laying. Go flock yourself. 5 golden rings? What am I -- Liberace? 4 calling birds. No one calls anymore. Shoot me a text or F off. 3 French hens. French hens? This is America, pal. We call 'em freedom chickens. 2 turtle doves. Are you a turtle or a dove? Pick one. A partridge in a pear tree? I got a bird for ya right here, buddy. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, so that’s why my dad called (I thought it was illegal to put cameras in bathrooms)

October 2022

A new skyscraper is being designed in San Francisco featuring a clear glass cube on top that will appear to be floating. And then a week later, appear to be covered in dead birds. —Colin Jost

And Tuesday was National Vodka Day…Oh, so that’s why my dad called. —Colin Jost

Moscow is urging all U.S. citizens in Russia to leave immediately. ‘Oh, cool, I’ll try to do that’, said Brittney Griner. —Colin Jost

It was announced that by 2025, New York will install cameras in every subway car. Huh? I thought it was illegal to put cameras in bathrooms. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”