We’re living in dog years now (the Distract-o-matic is cranked all the way up)

Another batch of the Epstein Files have been released and there are mentions of known Epstein associates such as Trump and Bill Gates. It would seem that some other famous people, including Elon Musk and Howard Lutnick, the commerce secretary, may not have been telling the whole truth about their interactions with Jeffrey Epstein. 

It is clear that Prince Andrew is royally fucked, which is a term you hear a lot but rarely when it is literally true. And most of all, it is so bananas that the guy who is in charge of releasing all these files and redacting all this evidence is Donald Trump’s own personal defense attorney, Todd Blanche. And then there’s all this other stuff going on – busting into the election headquarters in Georgia, arresting journalists like Don Lemon. 

Suddenly shutting down the Kennedy Center for two years, calling for nationalized elections, Trump suing the government he runs for $10 billion. My head is spinning, but I guess that’s the point. Remember when Trump was threatening to invade Greenland? That was not even two weeks ago! We’re living in dog years now. And it’s only going to get nuttier. Now that the new batch of Epstein files is out, the Distract-o-matic is cranked all the way up. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Greenland already said no (they can't just say they made her a plaque)

The House Oversight Committee announced that, next month, it will depose Ghislaine Maxwell as part of its Jeffrey Epstein investigation. In the meantime, they've turned off the cameras to give her privacy to play with her new chair and long rope. —Michael Che

Taylor Swift has become the second-youngest person inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame, behind Stevie Wonder. But the difference with Taylor is that they can't just say they made her a plaque. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Easy on the colonizing, old chum (Are we dicks?)

I get that ICE agents are people, allegedly, and they have a job to do, but at some point, while you're pepper-spraying old ladies or shooting at a nurse, do you ever stop and ask yourself, "Are we dicks?” —Michael Che

The singing of the U.S. national anthem at an NBA game in London, was interrupted by protesters yelling, "Leave Greenland alone!” And you know we've gone too far when the British are like, "Easy on the colonizing, old chum.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

God, I bet he he wishes he never left Kenya (wedding vowels)

So, Wheel of Fortunes Vanna White married her longtime partner after 16 years of dating. It was a beautiful ceremony where they exchanged wedding vowels. —Greg Gutfeld

During a speech in Davos, President Trump mistakenly said Iceland when he meant to say Greenland. He also said turgid pile of excrement when he meant to say Mike Pence. —Greg Gutfeld

On yet another podcast, Michelle Obama revealed that she and Barack attend couples therapy. I’m starting to feel sorry for Barack. All Michelle does is spill their secrets. God, I bet he he wishes he never left Kenya. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

How did you ever run a casino? Oh right, briefly (Free the files, not Ghislaine)

President Trump posted on Truth Social text messages from other world leaders, including the French president, Emmanuel Macron. It’s so interesting to read these, because they really do tiptoe around this maniac. A line from Macron’s text reads: “I do not understand what you are doing on Greenland.” That makes 8.1 billion of us, my friend. Does he think this makes him look good? Every one of these texts reads like they’re talking to a chimp with a hand grenade. —Jimmy Kimmel

There was a video released by Trump last week, in which he called on Congress to pass his “great healthcare plan” and said “under this policy, the prices of many drugs will be slashed by 300, 400 and even 500%.” Once again, 100% is the most you can lower a price. How did you ever run a casino? Oh right, briefly. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, if that's the case, we know he's sending Kristi Noem, right? (Hunter Biden has discovered time travel)

Regarding an alleged plan to acquire Greenland, President Trump says the country's defense is two dog sleds. Well, if that's the case, we know he's sending Kristi Noem, right? —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, researchers discovered a prehistoric Iceman mummy that carried a high-risk strain of genital warts. And a related story, Hunter Biden has discovered time travel. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the dominant predator in the western hemisphere – at least, now that Jeffrey Epstein is dead (cognitive infrastructure)

A Republican lawmaker detailed his wish list for US intervention in Latin American counties with oppressive regimes: Honduras, Nicaragua, Colombia. “Look, the world is a messed-up place. If an oil rampage is what it takes to spread democracy, maybe that’s what it takes, OK? Stop being such babies. So which of these tyrannical dictators are we targeting next?”

That would be Greenland, an independent Arctic territory controlled by US ally Denmark. That’s right, Greenland, because the only thing we hate more than a brutal authoritarian regime is whatever the complete opposite of that is.

“The point is: we need Greenland. Why? For their freedom, or their oil, or for national defense – look, I don’t remember what excuse we’re using. Another Republican lawmaker, argued that “it’s important that we have a stake in Greenland. We are the dominant predator, quite frankly, force in the western hemisphere.” Yes, Trump is the dominant predator in the western hemisphere – at least, now that Jeffrey Epstein is dead. —Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A complex world demands complex hair (I always assumed I would be impeached)

"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'" –David Letterman

"Last week I announced that I'm retiring. Now I'm hoping I can hang on long enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don’t agree with Trump on much, but yeah, they screwed you (Dave’s weird friend)

“Trump has fully turned Canada – yeah, that Canada – into an enemy. He’s threatening military force to annex Greenland, he signed an order directing his vice-president to remove ‘wokeness’ from the National Zoo and he’s mad about a portrait at the Colorado state capitol that isn’t sufficiently flattering. On that last point, I don’t agree with Trump on much, but yeah, they fucked you.” —Seth Meyers

National security adviser Mike Waltz’s played the blame game for the Signal group chat used to discuss sensitive military plans for strikes in Yemen. Speaking to Fox News, Waltz claimed that the number for Jeffrey Goldberg, The Atlantic editor he invited to the chat, just got “sucked in” to his phone. It just got ‘sucked in’ is a terrible answer when your title is national security adviser. It’s not even a good answer if your title is Dave’s weird friend. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It left many Democrat voters rolling over in their graves (they're complicit)

It's Liberation day! Yes not to be confused with Liberace day. That's when I show up to work with a candelabra up my a**. Wisconsin voters approved a referendum requiring voter ID leaving many Democrat voters rolling over in their graves. —Greg Gutfeld 

Delaware Democrat Chris Coons wonders why we're wasting time on Greenland when the average American can't find Greenland on the map. To which the average American responded, ‘well none of us can find Delaware on a map either.’ It’s a tiny little place. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today, Greenland offered to buy us (he's the Ozempic of the economy)

The stock market has lost $5 trillion dollars in three weeks. Trump, he's the Ozempic of the economy. Wow, 5 trillion dollars. Today, Greenland offered to buy us. —Bill Maher

There are CEOs out there begging Luigi Mangione to shoot them in the back of the head. —Bill Maher

Eggs are still so expensive. But we need eggs, what else are we going to throw at the Teslas. —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All these years, I don’t know why no one else thought to call shotgun on the Holy Land (Oh, we can tell)

At a White House news conference on Tuesday, President Trump said the United States should take over Gaza, which he said could be turned into “the Riviera of the Middle East” once all the Palestinians there had been moved out. “All these years, I don’t know why no one else thought to call shotgun on the Holy Land.” — Stephen Colbert 

“A source close to the president said it was Trump’s own idea. Everyone was like, ‘Oh, we can tell.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Trump wants to take over Greenland, Canada and now the Gaza Strip. He’s like everyone at 2 a.m., drunk-ordering off Amazon: ‘[slurring] I’m going to — I’m going to add Gaza Strip to the cart. I want Gaza Strip.” — Jimmy Fallon

“The only thing the United Nations and the Taliban have in common is they both think this is a terrible idea.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which shows there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent (Iran? get in line)

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has canceled a trip to Greenland to return to Washington to deal with tensions with Iran. Iran? I didn't even know we were in tensions with Iran. All I knew was we were in the middle of a Constitutional crisis, a trade war with China is wreaking havoc on the stock market, North Korea is launching missiles, and all cable news is talking about is the freakin' royal baby. Iran? get in line. --Seth Meyers

This weekend was the Kentucky Derby with Nyquist coming in first, Exaggerator coming in second, and — this is crazy — Jeb coming in last. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump announced today that if he wins the presidency, Chris Christie will lead his transition team and help put together the Trump administration. Because if there’s anything Christie knows how to do, it’s fill a cabinet. –Seth Meyers

"In the wake of the killing of Osama bin Laden President Obama's approval rating jumped to 56 percent, his highest in two years. Which shows there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent." –Seth Meyers

Today was National School Nurse Day, and if you want to know what they're getting, lice. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

now we’re just doing donuts in cuckoo canyon (I didn’t even know that was possible!)

December 2020

“In the waning days of his presidency, a stewing Trump has reportedly considered issuing blanket pardons to his staff, with requests logged on a spreadsheet; one White House insider told CNN that Trump’s last-minute pardon scramble has turned crazy. I’m sorry … turned crazy? This is the president who advised people to inject bleach, said that a dead Venezuelan leader stole the election, wanted to trade Puerto Rico for Greenland and wanted to stop hurricane with a nuclear bomb. We made the turn to crazy town a long time ago, now we’re just doing donuts in cuckoo canyon.” —Stephen Colbert

“Don’t get me wrong, after the last four years it will be nice to have a president who’s optimistic. But sometimes optimism can backfire. Biden’s like a football coach in a sports movie who says to a player, ‘you may be the smallest kid on this team but you’ve got the biggest heart. Now you go show them what you can do!’ And then a week later he’s sitting next to the hospital bed saying, ‘Doc told me you broke the leg in 50 places, I didn’t even know that was possible!’” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

On the downside, he completely ruined Grandpa's birthday (And not 2,000 years too soon)

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has canceled a trip to Greenland to return to Washington to deal with tensions with Iran. Iran? I didn't even know we were in tensions with Iran. All I knew was we were in the middle of a Constitutional crisis, a trade war with China is wreaking havoc on the stock market, North Korea is launching missiles, and all cable news is talking about is the freakin' royal baby. Iran? get in line. --Seth Meyers

Pope Francis has announced new rules designed to change how the Catholic Church deals with abuse accusations. And not 2,000 years too soon. --Seth Meyers

A man in Idaho recently broke a Guinness World Record after putting 100 lit candles into his mouth at the same time. On the downside, he completely ruined Grandpa's birthday. --Seth Meyers

Today was Billy Joel's 70th birthday, so congrats to the original Avenger, Piano Man. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I think it's my pride, something is definitely swollen (shrinking genitals)

"As you know, when President Bush is down on his ranch, he likes to spend his time clearing brush and chopping wood, because no matter how much legislation you pass to cut down trees, there's nothing like destroying them with your own hands." --Jay Leno

  

"The president last week made a surprise announcement. Fourteen high profile terror suspects were transferred from secret oversees prisons to Guantanamo Bay to face military tribunals that, as of yet, do not legally exist. On the face of it, this is great news. I think we all feel a certain pride knowing the administration does, in fact, have secret overseas prisons. I think it's my pride, something is definitely swollen." --Stephen Colbert

"Earth is in trouble. A new study found that in Greenland, polar bears' genitals are shrinking due to industrial pollutants. This is what's happening and the Bush administration, of course, is denying the science. They're saying the reason the polar bear's package is smaller this year -- they just got out of the water." --Bill Maher

they got fed up and just told him it got destroyed by the Death Star (galactic overlords)

"Earth is in trouble. A new study found that in Greenland, polar bears' genitals are shrinking due to industrial pollutants. This is what's happening and the Bush administration, of course, is denying the science. They're saying the reason the polar bear's package is smaller this year -- they just got out of the water." --Bill Maher

"A panel of scientists voted to kick Pluto out of the solar system. They tried to explain the science of this to President Bush, but then they got fed up and just told him it got destroyed by the Death Star." --Bill Maher

"Let's also begin tonight with quick updates on two men with that have more in common than you might think. Each is an outspoken defender of his religion. Each embroiled in heated negotiations. And each is tiny [on screen: Tom Cruise and Iranian Pres. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad]. The difference, of course, is only one denies the Holocaust ever happened. The other simply believes the galactic overlord Xenu flew humans to Earth in DC-8s and then hydrogen-bombed them into volcanoes. What's next for the two men? Well, Cruise will be soon heading up his own independent production company, while Ahmadinejad will soon have a nuclear weapon." --Jon Stewart