the number one reason you can’t talk to your dad anymore (What do you get for the network that ruined everything?)

“Fox News turned 30 years old today. And what do you get for the network that ruined everything?” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Fox News launched on Oct. 7, 1996 as a sort of a B.E.T. for angry white grandpas.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Three decades ago, a visionary named Rupert Murdoch asked a simple question. He asked: ‘What if the news was whatever I want it to be?’ And with nothing more than millions of dollars and a complete disregard for the America in which he wasn’t born, he turned that idea into what has become the number one reason you can’t talk to your dad anymore.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We totally caught ourselves by surprise (all of them orange)

“But meanwhile, this U.S. exit from Syria was so sudden and hasty, we actually had to bomb one of our own bases to destroy the ammunition that was left behind. Thanks to Donald Trump, our genius commander in chief, the U.S. military is now bombing itself. And it was a success, too. We totally caught ourselves by surprise.” --Jimmy Kimmel

A calcium score over 100 indicates a high risk of heart attack or heart disease within three to five years. Trump’s number is 133, but his doctor says he’s in excellent health. Claims he passed a cognitive test with flying colors — all of them orange. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What about us? said the Detroit Pistons (under the table)

A powerful 5.0 magnitude earthquake struck the city of Tupan, China. Even though the epicenter was 7,000 miles away, Bill Clinton still told the Hooters's waitress to get under the table. —Greg Gutfeld

In an interview, Madonna said that John Kennedy Jr. was the best sex of her life. "What about us?" said the Detroit Pistons. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s never a good sign when your shoes have a muffin top (30,000 times in the Nice Guy files)

President Trump continued to flail without a strategy on Monday, after he again took to Truth Social to write: “We’re offering a very fair and reasonable DEAL, and I hope they take it because, if they don’t, the United States is going to knock out every single Power Plant, and every single Bridge, in Iran. NO MORE MR NICE GUY!” Yes, it’s important that he said that, because up until now, Trump’s been known as Mr Nice Guy. In fact, he’s mentioned over 30,000 times in the Nice Guy files. —Stephen Colbert

We’re in week eight of the Iran war, and as of tonight it is unclear if US-Iran peace talks will happen one day before Trump’s ultimatum expires. The talks were supposed to begin on Tuesday in Islamabad, Pakistan, but based on what we know now, it doesn’t look Islama-good, because on Tuesday afternoon US negotiators delayed their trip, and Trump announced that he was indefinitely extending the ceasefire. The president claimed he was not worried about the deal, posting on his Truth Social platform: “I read the Fake News saying that I am under ‘pressure’ to make a Deal. THIS IS NOT TRUE! I am under no pressure whatsoever, although it will all happen, relatively quickly! Time is not my adversary.” Oh yeah? Have you taken a gander at your ankles lately? Because it’s never a good sign when your shoes have a muffin top. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ref! Ref! Open your eyes! (I’m not even sure how much we like ourselves)

“The pundits all said it couldn’t happen, but it did happen, and the Republicans are not very happy about it.”Specifically, conservative talking heads are trying to argue that Democrats are “trying to hijack democracy” with Biden stepping aside. Or, as the Fox News host Sean Hannity called it, “a coup within the Democratic party”.

I get it! If I thought I had this thing in the bag, and you thought you were going to be up against old Joe Biden and then they pulled this, I’d be like, ‘Ref! Ref! Open your eyes!’

I do understand that they’re upset. It makes sense. So how about we do this – out of fairness, I’m a fair person, you can replace your old guy, too. That’s fine! What’s done is done. You’re going to have to shift gears and recalibrate. You’ve had ‘Crooked Joe’ and ‘Sleepy Joe’ on speed dial. You’re going to need a new line of attack.

Republican talking heads complain that Harris “doesn’t like Jewish people.” I am Jewish and I say: Join the club, we’re getting crushed out there right now. I’m not even sure how much we like ourselves.”  —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if the next 9 billion things go their way, we can finally call it even (from the comfort of your brand new full-body cast)

If you went shopping on black Friday, I assume you are watching this on a brand new 60-inch flat screen from the comfort of your brand new full-body cast. –James Corden

The Dakota Access oil pipeline, which the Sioux tribe has been protesting for months, will no longer be routed through their land. It’s a big win for Native Americans — and if the next 9 billion things go their way, we can finally call it even. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Congratulations, your baby’s worth three times as much now (I don't know if they even make these parts anymore)

During a recent rally in Louisiana, Donald Trump actually autographed someone’s baby. Even crazier, when he handed the baby back to the parents, Trump said, “Congratulations, your baby’s worth three times as much now." –Jimmy Fallon

“This morning, President Biden went to Walter Reed for his annual physical exam. And let's just say Vice President Harris seemed a little too eager to hear the results. Yeah, it's never good when the doctor examining you is like, ‘I don't know if they even make these parts anymore.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she HAD to do it by phone, because nobody could possibly lie to that face (the weapon of tyrants)

A man in Texas last week rode his horse into a Taco Bell restaurant — but, weirdly, he left alone. –Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton had a phone interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper last night — and she HAD to do it by phone, because nobody could possibly lie to that face. –Seth Meyers

A new poll released today shows Hillary Clinton is 9 points ahead of Donald Trump in New Mexico. And 100 points ahead in Old Mexico. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which is just a terrible way to end Black History Month (the weapon of tyrants)

It was announced that Brittney Griner has signed with the Phoenix Mercury for one year. Unfortunately, the WNBA pays less than a Russian prison. —Michael Che

The NBA’s slam dunk contest was won by Mac McClung, a 6’2” white man who has only appeared in two NBA games, which is just a terrible way to end Black History Month. —Michael Che

Experts have debunked claims that an unwanted pregnancy can be terminated with high does of Vitamin C. That’s the last time I ask a woman to stay over for breakfast, Colin. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”