I’d like to point out that none of Lincoln’s supporters carried Confederate flags (I'm going to say, about $130,000 worth)

"I mean, at the end of this man's presidency, even as my fellow conservatives were abandoning George Bush like rats on a sinking ship on a crash course with Cat Island, I remained faithful, and I'm sure he knows that from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized." –Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump compared himself to Abraham Lincoln during his Fox News interview. Really? You’re going to compare yourself to Abraham Lincoln? Well, I’d like to point out that none of Lincoln’s supporters carried Confederate flags.” —Stephen Colbert

Then, "Fox & Friends" asked the obvious follow-up: [“Fox & Friends” host] “Do you want to tell us what you got her?” [Trump clip] “Well, I better not get into that because I may get in trouble. Maybe I didn't get her so much. I'll tell you what she has done — I got her a beautiful card.” You're a billionaire! You got your wife a card?! Do you know what she puts up with? I think she's earned a shopping spree. I'm going to say, about $130,000 worth. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Answering the question: what would happen if meth smoked itself? (He was two seconds away from pretending he doesn’t speak English)

“The only story that everybody’s talking about right now is Tiger King, the new Netflix series that’s somehow even more viral than Covid-19. The five-hour docu-series taking over conversations across America is the most fascinating show you’ve ever seen. It exposes the sordid and loopy world of exotic animal breeding in America, while also answering the question: what would happen if meth smoked itself?” —Trevor Noah

“Now, these protests have clearly been infused with far-right ideology. Many demonstrators wore MAGA hats, they held up anti-Semitic signs and in Michigan, they even waved Confederate flags, a clear symbol of Michigan’s proud Southern heritage.” — Trevor Noah

“At his press conference Trump played footage from Monday’s press conference but he refused to address what was achieved in February. It was a masterclass in dodging the question. He was two seconds away from pretending he doesn’t speak English.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who can even remember who wired the global financial system to a roulette wheel, while jacked on enough cocaine to bring down a bison? (Make Jobs, Not War)

"It's been five years since the economic meltdown. And while even I used to be mad at Wall Street -- at this point, who can even remember who wired the global financial system to a roulette wheel, while jacked on enough cocaine to bring down a bison?" –Stephen Colbert

"GOP civil war -- of course the first thing they'll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag." –Stephen Colbert

I’m going on vacation next week. Donald Trump is planning a vacation, too. On Wednesday, he’s going to Vietnam. Apparently, his bone spurs are retractable, like cat’s claws. --Stephen Colbert

 

"Since the brutal presidential election, there's been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they will eventually find one." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The last thing we need is Trump learning more about segregation (Bikini Atoll)

"The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing.

Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically

ignoring Confederate flags." –Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump observed the holiday by visiting the National

Museum of African American History, or more accurately,

canceling his visit to the National Museum of African

American History. Although I guess in a way that might

be good. The last thing we need is Trump learning more

about segregation. –Stephen Colbert

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey is officially cutting down.

Apparently, the circus doesn't think it could compete against

a Trump presidency. –Stephen Colbert

Monopoly is trying to win younger players with a new edition

called Monopoly for Millennials, which they market with the

snarky tagline, “Forget real estate. You can’t afford it anyway.”

If we wanted realism in our board games, we’d have “Your

insurance doesn’t cover that OPERATION,” and CLUE 2018,

where it’s obvious who committed the crime, but somehow

they’re still president anyway. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s like saying, ‘Of course I’m good to drive! God willing.’ (Hmm, checkmate, Mr. President)

July 2022

“Joe Biden’s comment that he doesn’t think the US is entering a recession, ‘God willing.’ All right, well, ‘God willing’ kinda undercuts the first part. That’s like saying, ‘Of course I’m good to drive! God willing.’” —Seth Meyers

“President Biden also criticized Trump for his inaction during the January 6th attack on the Capitol, saying ‘you can’t be pro-insurrection and pro-democracy.’ Oh, that’s good, use logic on the insurrectionists. These are people who fly a Confederate flag and an American flag on the same pole. One man, Jacob Chansley, who wore horns and carried a spear, showed up to the coup dressed like a community college football mascot. You really think that guy heard what you said and thought, ‘Hmm, checkmate, Mr President.’” —Seth Meyers

“There is a Wall Street Journal report from the weekend that Elon Musk had an affair with Nicole Shanahan, the estranged wife of Google co-founder Sergey Brin, causing Brin to cash out of his investments in Musk’s companies. Musk broke the cardinal rule: don’t ever mess with a guy who knows how to check your Gmail.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How could Trump blow the honeymoon? He’s had three of them (The other 22% burst into flames)

We’re just 10 days in and it feels like it’s total chaos at the White House. This is supposed to be the honeymoon. How could Trump blow the honeymoon? He’s had three of them. –Stephen Colbert

"A new poll found 78% of respondents believed the planet had warmed over the past 100 years. The other 22% burst into flames." –Stephen Colbert

On Saturday, President Trump spoke with Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull and lashed out at Turnbull on the phone call. Please don’t pick a fight with Australia! They’ll cut off our supply of Uggs, koala jerky, and Hugh Jackman. –Stephen Colbert

"The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains why Bugs Bunny is now like, "Sup, doc?" (Things you were probably doing already)

Last week near the Texas/Mexico border, authorities say they found a shipment

of over a ton of marijuana that was disguised to look like carrots. Which explains

why Bugs Bunny is now like, "Sup, doc?" –Jimmy Fallon

"The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags." –Stephen Colbert

"The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, 'I'm telling Kim Jung Mom.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

Uncle Rudy’s Original Skull Syrup (Oops! All Cousins!)

January 2021

“With only five days remaining until Biden takes office, this year’s inauguration is less democratic celebration and more military occupation. Due to last week’s Capitol riot and ongoing security threats, the National Mall will be closed Biden’s swearing-in ceremony patrolled by 20,000 national guardsmen. Now, if you have trouble telling your rioters in camo from the good guys in camo, the national guard will be the ones without the Confederate flags.” —Stephen Colbert

“Sucks for Giuliani. Now he’s going to have to make money on the side, bottling Uncle Rudy’s Original Skull Syrup.” —Stephen Colbert

“Though I could understand wanting to take a closer look at Rudy’s expenses, given that so far, he’s submitted receipts for ‘Delta business-class brand plastic bottle vodka,’ ‘Uber XL T-shirt that I slept in behind the racetrack’ and ‘pay-per-view porn: “Oops! All Cousins!”’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is turning into the worst year of Ted Nugent’s life (Oh, I Kushed it)

August 2020

“New York’s attorney general, Letitia James, sued to shut down the National Rifle Association. Wow, the NRA as we know it could be gone – aww, thoughts and prayers. We’ll work on helping but not right now, it’s just too soon. Right now the NRA is in so much trouble even Trump is afraid to wish them well. The lawsuit alleges that senior leaders used the formidable gun lobby group as their personal piggy bank and illegally diverted millions from its charitable work toward executive excess such as a family trips and private jets. The case could derail the 5-million-member group, which is why the Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell, a frequent recipient of NRA funding, was seen breathing into his neck like it was a paper bag. —Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, no more N.R.A., no more Confederate flags. This is turning into the worst year of Ted Nugent’s life.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And to make sure it dissolves, she’s going to put Jared Kushner in charge of the NRA. [Imitating Jared Kushner] ‘You can count on me — oh, no. Oh, you guys, bad news. Oh, I Kushed it.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lincoln couldn’t even get through a play without being interrupted (It's almost as if it works or something)

"On Sunday night, President Trump was interviewed by Fox News hosts at the Lincoln Memorial. Trump at one point compared himself to the 16th president, saying he got more hostile press coverage: ‘They always said Lincoln, nobody got treated worse than Lincoln. I believe I am treated worse.’ You have two unfiltered hours on national television to say whatever you want to millions of people without fact-checking or follow-ups. Lincoln couldn’t even get through a play without being interrupted.” —Seth Meyers

“That’s right, President Trump participated in a Fox News town hall at the Lincoln Memorial, though I think Fox was just excited to finally feature a competent Republican president.” —Seth Meyers

“Trump compared himself to Abraham Lincoln during his Fox News interview. Really? You’re going to compare yourself to Abraham Lincoln? Well, I’d like to point out that none of Lincoln’s supporters carried Confederate flags.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

a clear symbol of Michigan’s proud Southern heritage (Have you seen my ratings?)

“Now, these protests have clearly been infused with far-right ideology. Many demonstrators wore MAGA hats, they held up anti-Semitic signs and in Michigan, they even waved Confederate flags, a clear symbol of Michigan’s proud Southern heritage.” — Trevor Noah

“You know, Trump talks about cabin fever like it’s an actual illness. [as Trump] This cabin fever, worse than any disease we’ve even had, even worse than the disease from the ’70s, disco fever. It was so hard staying alive, staying alive.” — Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

yet another New York billionaire with a questionable history with women (like mustard sauce on barbecue)

“The next democratic primary is in my home state of South Carolina on February 29th. As a native son, I’m gonna be on this election like shrimp on grits, like mustard sauce on barbecue, like Confederate flags on more vehicles than I’m comfortable acknowledging.” —Stephen Colbert

“The South Carolina contest is critical for former vice-president Joe Biden, who struggled in Iowa and New Hampshire and has staked his campaign on turning out African American and Latino voters in other states. Well, sure, that’s because the first two states to vote are Iowa and New Hampshire, which are so white you have to go to the supermarket’s international aisle to buy pepper.” —Stephen Colbert

“Bloomberg has been rising in the polls, but there could be some hurdles for his campaign. In the past, he’s been accused in several lawsuits of creating an uncomfortable workplace environment for women, but he won’t release women who sued him from their nondisclosure agreements. Oh, good — yet another New York billionaire with a questionable history with women.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

We haven’t had one of those in days! (Is this the thing?)

“Every time, people have asked, ‘Is this the thing? Surely, this must be the thing.’ And every time, it wasn’t the thing. But here’s the thing: There’s a new thing, and it might be the thing.” --Stephen Colbert

“So the idea that a foreign power like Russia shouldn’t interfere in our elections is the only thing everyone agreed on — everyone but Trump, because he just moved one country over. [Imitating Trump] O.K., no collusion with Russia. O.K. Hello, Ukraine? You up for interfering with our election?” --Stephen Colbert

“It’s historic, high-stakes testimony in Congress from someone with intimate knowledge of Trump’s criminal wrongdoing. We haven’t had one of those in days!” --Stephen Colbert

“This makes Watergate look like Nixon tried to pass an expired coupon at the Kroger.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They're being advised to bring their own food and water to the airport. Also their own plane (Dude, that's not really helping)

"Over the weekend Dick Cheney declared Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak a good friend. Mubarak said, 'Dude, that's not really helping.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A lot of Americans are still trapped in Egypt. They're being advised to bring their own food and water to the airport. Also their own plane." –Conan O'Brien

"During the Super Bowl halftime show, the Black Eyed Peas changed the lyrics of their song 'Where is the Love' to call on President Obama to do better in education and jobs. And Christina Aguilera changed the lyrics of the national anthem — just because." –Jimmy Fallon

"During his interview with President Obama last night, Bill O'Reilly asked him to explain how he deals with so many people hating him. In response, Obama said, 'You first.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true.

Sean Hannity asked yesterday why it is OK for President Obama's teenage daughters to go into stores and buy music chock-full of the N-word but not the Confederate flag. But how can you explain that to a guy who thinks kids still go into a store to buy music?  --Seth Meyers

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true. --Seth Meyers

They should have sent a pit crew.

NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers

With Greece on the brink of defaulting on its bailouts, it's rumored that it may consider asking Vladimir Putin for a loan. Even the Devil said, “Don't do it! Don't mess with that guy.”  --Jimmy Fallon

They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to

South Carolina and Mississippi are on the verge of taking down their state Capitol's Confederate flag. Here's the surprising part. They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to. –Conan O’Brien

Amazon announced it's discontinuing products with the Confederate flag. They won't sell it. So now Amazon no longer has to use the phrase "You may also like slavery." –Conan O’Brien

Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles. –Conan O’Brien

Which side gets the Confederate flag?

"GOP civil war -- of course the first thing they'll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag." –Stephen Colbert 

"I believe in American exceptionalism. And this is an insult to American gays, who I may not approve of, but I believe they are the gayest in the world. Our gay people -- they are not just homosexual, they're homo-ceptional." –Stephen Colbert 



"It's been five years since the economic meltdown. And while even I used to be mad at Wall Street -- at this point, who can even remember who wired the global financial system to a roulette wheel, while jacked on enough cocaine to bring down a bison?" –Stephen Colbert



Kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags

"At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk." –Conan O'Brien 



"The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags." –Stephen Colbert



John Hulse painting