He's worth nothing! (rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet)

 

"John McCain arrived in Minnesota today. The last time McCain stopped in that state he was shooting buffalo from a train, so it's been a while." --Jay Leno

"This bird flu is scary. Are you frightened by this? I spent an hour last night rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet." --Jay Leno

"Today is the day we celebrate Dr. King's birthday. I'm not quite sure President Bush understands this. When he was told it's Dr. King's birthday, he said, 'Larry's a doctor?' And did you hear what happened in Sacramento? Arnold Schwarzenegger celebrated by crashing his motorcycle into Al Sharpton." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course we're different (This again?)

A professor from U.C. Berkeley said we are on track for having the worst drought in 500 years. Which explains why Larry King was overheard saying, "This again?"—Conan O’Brien

"Bookies say the odds are 11-2 that the royal baby will be named George, after his great-great-grandfather, King George VI. And the odds are 100-1 he'll be named George after the George Foreman Grill." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fact, as we speak, that quote's being engraved on the wall of the Bush presidential library (That was one crazy weekend, man)

In China, for the first time ever, a robot performed dental surgery without human assistance. Everyone was excited until they remembered that the robot was just supposed to vacuum the living room. –Conan O’Brien

"Hey, speaking of presidents, a former speechwriter to President Bush was quoted as saying that, contrary to what people think, 'Bush wasn't dumb.' In fact, as we speak, that quote's being engraved on the wall of the Bush presidential library." --Conan O'Brien

Scientists now say life on Earth may have started after an accidental mashup between DNA and RNA. When asked for comment, Larry King said, “That was one crazy weekend, man.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And the odds are 100-1 he'll be named George after the George Foreman Grill (This again?)

"The royal baby has been born. The royal baby was officially welcomed with a 62-gun salute. Because if there's one thing babies love, it's the sound of repeated artillery fire." –Conan O'Brien

"Bookies say the odds are 11-2 that the royal baby will be named George, after his great-great-grandfather, King George VI. And the odds are 100-1 he'll be named George after the George Foreman Grill." –Conan O'Brien

A professor from U.C. Berkeley said we are on track for having the worst drought in 500 years. Which explains why Larry King was overheard saying, "This again?"—Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

one of his best friends owns San Francisco (Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable)

"Mitt Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco." –Craig Ferguson

"Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'" –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What happened to the last guy? (solidarity)

"Moammar Gadhafi made an appearance on television to prove that he is still alive. When he saw this, Larry King said, 'That proves nothing. I died 60 years ago.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, 'What happened to the last guy?'" –Conan O'Brien

Google has created several new emojis aimed at empowering women. So congratulations women, you asked for equal pay and you got five new emojis. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

These experts have been described as "single." (Screw It, Have the Fudge)

Scientists now say life on Earth may have started after an accidental mashup between DNA and RNA. When asked for comment, Larry King said, “That was one crazy weekend, man.” –Conan O’Brien

In Boston, experts believe they have found Paul Revere's outhouse and they say they are excited to examine his fecal matter. These experts have been described as "single." –Conan O’Brien

Weight Watchers announced it's changing its name. They've changed their name to "Screw It, Have the Fudge." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Now I can't get into all the details, but in short, Fresno is now part of China (Spoiler Alert)

Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you've been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married. —Conan O’Brien

"Seriously, though, this is very good news. You should be happy. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has found a way to close the state's $26 billion budget deficit. It's giant. Now I can't get into all the details, but in short, Fresno is now part of China." --Conan O'Brien

A professor from U.C. Berkeley said we are on track for having the worst drought in 500 years. Which explains why Larry King was overheard saying, "This again?"—Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which one of us are you talking to? (Zombie Food Pyramid)

"Look, I tell you though, John McCain is thrilled with his running mate! He's energized by this woman. In fact, he told the press today, Sarah Palin makes him feel as young as Larry King." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the president of China at the White House. The arrival ceremony was interrupted by a protester who started yelling, 'Stop the persecution, stop the torture!' President Bush had to ask, 'Which one of us are you talking to?'" --Jay Leno

"In international news, Condoleezza Rice, our Secretary of State, says that she has offered Iran normal ties if they drop nuclear plans. President Bush turned the idea down. See, I don't think he understands these things. Bush said, 'Iranians don't wear ties. They wear robes.'" --Jay Leno

"And Senator John McCain was on the Larry King show the other night. He and Larry got in a big argument over whose prostate was larger." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable (followed by a lifetime of . . . the same)

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same." –Craig Ferguson

"We have as a guest tonight Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I’m going to ask the question that's on everyone’s mind: 'As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'" –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you asked for equal pay and you got five new emojis (unless I'm naked/superpowers)

Google has created several new emojis aimed at empowering women. So congratulations women, you asked for equal pay and you got five new emojis. –Conan O’Brien

"Moammar Gadhafi made an appearance on television to prove that he is still alive. When he saw this, Larry King said, 'That proves nothing. I died 60 years ago.'" –Conan O'Brien

The producers of the X-Men movies say their next X-Men movie will take place in the 1990s. In it, the X-Men use their superpowers to try and stop the Backstreet Boys. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And then it was incredible, my TV threw up (Or as Republicans call it, health care)

"A study found Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don’t need. Or as Republicans call it, health care." –Jimmy Fallon

Apparently four out of Donald Trump's five airplanes are more than 20 years old, which they say is rare for most billionaires. I guess Trump doesn’t know you’re supposed to change PLANES every few years, and keep your WIFE forever. –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night, I was watching 'Larry King,' who was interviewing Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol Palin's baby. And Larry asked, 'Exactly where did sex occur in the Palins' house?' And then it was incredible, my TV threw up." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

6,000 years of various forms of servitude (a 2,000-year-old Jewish man who is not Larry King)

"The new mayor of New York City is a progressive Democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. Or as Fox News reported, the apocalypse is upon us." –Conan O'Brien

Some analysts say a Donald Trump presidency could cripple the future of legalized marijuana. And to make matters worse, once it’s crippled, Trump will make fun of it. –Conan O’Brien

"Yesterday was a historic day. Everyone marked it in different ways. A Kenyan woman gave birth to twin boys and named them Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obviously she named the one that came out second Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Well, of course, this Sunday is Easter. Of course, Easter is that very, very holy day when Christians around the world honor a 2,000-year-old Jewish man who is not Larry King." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married (Are you on the menu?)

"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At a basketball game, the President and Michelle Obama got caught off-guard on a kiss cam. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney was caught off-guard by the show us your tax returns cam." –Conan O'Brien

Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you've been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married. —Conan O’Brien

A professor from U.C. Berkeley said we are on track for having the worst drought in 500 years. Which explains why Larry King was overheard saying, "This again?"—Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ (You lost us at textbook)

"Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ. It's a selfie he took with Larry King." –Conan O'Brien 

In Utah, a woman pulled out two of her son’s teeth in a Walmart bathroom. Or as that procedure will soon be known, “the Trumpcare dental plan.” –Conan O’Brien

House Speaker Paul Ryan described Donald Trump’s remarks about a Hispanic judge as a "textbook definition" of racism. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, "You lost us at 'textbook.'" –Conan O’Brien

Former FBI Director James Comey did not want to be left alone in a room with Donald Trump. Which is why James Comey was just named an honorary Miss Universe contestant. –Conan O’Brien

"Today Show" host Savannah Guthrie is skipping the Olympics in Rio because she’s pregnant and worried about the Zika virus. In a related story, Bob Costas just announced he is pregnant. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but for some reason I just completely lost interest (That's 23 with the wind chill)

"A woman claiming to be Hitler's maid said that he pretended to adhere to a healthy diet but actually had an insatiable sweet tooth. I knew if we waited long enough, we'd eventually find some dirt on that guy." –Seth Meyers

"Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ. It's a selfie he took with Larry King." –Conan O’Brien

"Things are not going well with the Bush administration.  George Bush's approval rating is now 34 percent. 34. Unbelievable. That's 23 with the wind chill." --David Letterman

A new study came out that found the more porn a man watches, the less motivation he has. I was going to read more about the study, but for some reason I just completely lost interest. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

That's the best thing since ripped up bread (Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable)

"Isn't it odd how history's greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer." –Craig Ferguson

"Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same." –Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden kept a diary. Well that's very sweet, isn't it? Turns out his secret desire was to sneak into New York and catch a showing of 'Mamma Mia.' He briefly considered joining the cast of 'Two and a Half Men.'" –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains why this year’s most popular baby name is Funyuns (That proves nothing. I died 60 years ago.)

Health officials say there’s a new trend of women using marijuana during their pregnancy. Which explains why this year’s most popular baby name is Funyuns. –Conan O’Brien

"Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright called North Korea's leader Kim Jung Il a pervert. In response, Kim Jung Il said 'I dare her to put on a leather mask and say that to my ass.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It's now been reported that Britain did pass information on to U.S. authorities about the attempted underwear bomber, but the U.S. disregarded it. In part, that's because the British intelligence referred to him as 'a bloke with boomzy-woomzy in his knickers.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Moammar Gadhafi made an appearance on television to prove that he is still alive. When he saw this, Larry King said, 'That proves nothing. I died 60 years ago.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it still feels good telling the British guy to get out (because our lives WERE on the line)

February 2014

"The Winter Olympics in Sochi wrapped up yesterday. Canada beat Sweden for the gold medal in men's hockey. People in Canada were going crazy. They spent all night knocking over cars, and then picking them back up and leaving a nice note." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Sochi Olympics are over. Russia ended up with the most gold medals. Russian athletes said, 'We played like our lives were on the line because our lives WERE on the line.'" –Conan O'Brien

"CNN is canceling Piers Morgan's talk show. Yes, it's been 238 years since the Declaration of Independence, but it still feels good telling the British guy to get out." –Craig Ferguson

"Larry King has offered to come back and replace Piers Morgan. Well, technically it wouldn't be 'coming back.' He's been living under the desk for the last three years." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”