He’s like the reverse Oprah (spoiler alerts)

Donald Trump plans to accept a super luxury Boeing jumbo jet from the royal family of Qatar, with an estimated value of $400 million. The aircraft would be used by Trump as a new Air Force One and then transferred to the Trump Presidential Library Foundation shortly before he leaves office. What? Qatar is giving us a plane that Trump gets to keep? He’s like the reverse Oprah – ‘I get a jet! … and that’s it. I get a jet, for my library.’ Why does his library need a jet? ‘Yeah, I’m calling from Europe, and I need a book about Trump by morning. And the book must travel in the comfort and style one can only get from Qatar.’ The 13-year-old 747 plane, known as the most luxurious private jet in the world, boasts the biggest master bedroom in the sky, several private offices and nine bathrooms. That is not a plane. That is a flying fuck palace. I’m not going to tell Trump how to run his business, but I would steam the shit out of those carpets. —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally I can make an honest woman out of my Roomba (werewolf syndrome)

So a teen with werewolf syndrome has set a world record with hair covering 95% of his face. This of course breaks the previous record set by Rashida Tlaib. —Greg Gutfeld 

A new study found that most people admit they'd be cool with their partner hooking up with a robot. Finally I can make an honest woman out of my Roomba. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family (Well, I wasn’t going to marry him/Iraq rememberer)

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it's actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, 'My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Can’t Pay You (Iraq rememberer)

In a new book, South Dakota governor Kristi Noem revealed she once shot a dog that was untrainable. That’s insane. If a dog is untrainable you don’t shoot it. You give it to President Biden. —Colin Jost

Former President Trump for the first time in his trial wrote a message on a yellow Post-It note and handed it to his lawyer while making an argument. The Post-It read simply, ‘Can’t Pay You.’ —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They both have a 38 percent chance of winning (I’m just gonna stay in and wave at people?)

“Today, President Biden posted his bracket, and he picked a favorite, UConn, to repeat as national champions. Yeah, Biden relates to UConn ’cause they both have a 38 percent chance of winning again.” —Jimmy Fallon

There has been a swirl of conspiracy theories about the princess with the latest palace statement suggesting she has been working from home. How does a princess work from home? I’m just gonna stay in and wave at people? —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Conspiracy theorists are up 37-0 (Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races)

At the Tour de France today the police were trying to control protestors at the race by spraying tear gas, but they held up the race because they accidentally sprayed the cyclists. See? Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races. --James Corden

It was revealed today that Donald Trump is using campaign donations and money from the Republican National Committee to help pay for his legal fees tied to the Russia investigation. Trump using campaign funds is not illegal but an unprecedented move by a sitting president and we all know how Donald Trump feels about anything unprecedented. He feels it's hard to spell. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

good little puppet, good little puppet (Iraq rememberer)

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

If you are voting democrat or republican know this, those lawmakers will say, ‘good little puppet, good little puppet’, as they continue to screw you over. --Kit Cabello Hard Lens Media

“I want to make sure Ukraine has enough tanks before I get my colonoscopy.” –Kurt Metzger 1/26/2023

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now I can't get into all the details, but in short, Fresno is now part of China (Spoiler Alert)

Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you've been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married. —Conan O’Brien

"Seriously, though, this is very good news. You should be happy. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has found a way to close the state's $26 billion budget deficit. It's giant. Now I can't get into all the details, but in short, Fresno is now part of China." --Conan O'Brien

A professor from U.C. Berkeley said we are on track for having the worst drought in 500 years. Which explains why Larry King was overheard saying, "This again?"—Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We don't give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans (he had no idea he was playing golf)

"After Afghanistan, President Bush flew to India, where he was greeted by 10,000 angry protestors. As a result, most Americans spent all day on hold with computer problems."  --Conan O'Brien

In Florida, a 98-year-old man shot a hole-in-one. The 98-year-old was shocked, mostly because he had no idea he was playing golf. –Conan O’Brien

"Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets' doctor said, 'We don't give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What? I'm looking at the baby. (Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well)

"The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah." –Conan O'Brien

"The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well." –Conan O'Brien

"Breastfeeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breastfeeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, "What? I'm looking at the baby." –Conan O'Brien

"The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he's having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A network that's more trustworthy than NBC. How about Al Jazeera? (Iraq rememberer)

"Conan says he wants to work for a network that's more trustworthy than NBC. How about Al Jazeera?" –David Letterman

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, here is great news. Senator Larry Craig from Idaho is looking for interns. What parent doesn't want to hear, 'Well guess what, Dad, I got accepted into Larry Craig's intern program'? But if you're interested, Larry Craig is now accepting applications from interns. Just slide your resume under the stall." --David Letterman

"Things are so bad at NBC now that earlier today, the NBC peacock walked into a KFC and surrendered." –David Letterman

 

"It turns out now that Dick Cheney did not have a license to hunt, and coincidentally, turns out we didn't have a license to go into Iraq." --David Letterman

"The bad news is Iran is capable of making a nuclear bomb. The good news is they have to drop it from a camel." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

6,000 years of various forms of servitude (a 2,000-year-old Jewish man who is not Larry King)

"The new mayor of New York City is a progressive Democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. Or as Fox News reported, the apocalypse is upon us." –Conan O'Brien

Some analysts say a Donald Trump presidency could cripple the future of legalized marijuana. And to make matters worse, once it’s crippled, Trump will make fun of it. –Conan O’Brien

"Yesterday was a historic day. Everyone marked it in different ways. A Kenyan woman gave birth to twin boys and named them Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obviously she named the one that came out second Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Well, of course, this Sunday is Easter. Of course, Easter is that very, very holy day when Christians around the world honor a 2,000-year-old Jewish man who is not Larry King." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Right now a devastated Ted Cruz is filibustering a squirrel on the lawn of the Capitol building (So, everyone is suffering)

The Los Angeles Dodgers are in the World Series. They are playing the Houston Astros tomorrow night. The Dodgers haven’t been to the World Series since 1988. That is a long time ago. That is before anyone knew what a Kardashian was. Most people at that time thought it was an auto part. –Jimmy Kimmel

"National parks are shut down. NASA is shut down. There is one government building still open. That is the congressional gym – the exclusive gym where congressmen work out. But the gym is not fully operational because towel service is no longer available due to the shutdown. So, everyone is suffering." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After 16 days the government shutdown is over. Right now a devastated Ted Cruz is filibustering a squirrel on the lawn of the Capitol building." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So Republicans are now on the record for voting against interracial marriage? (they finally made government small enough to fit inside a woman’s vagina)

July 2022

“The house has officially passed a bill legalizing gay and interracial marriage, which is a great victory for 1995. The Democrats are trying to learn their lesson and protect those rights before Clarence Thomas gets to them.” —Trevor Noah

“Everyone is still shellshocked by the Supreme Court’s recent decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. Although this made conservatives happy because they finally made government small enough to fit inside a woman’s vagina, everyone else was pretty furious.” —Trevor Noah

“And people weren’t just angry at the Supreme Court. No, they were pissed at Democrats because they didn’t codify Roe v. Wade. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t said ‘codified’ this much in my entire life.” —Trevor Noah

“Also, it’s even weirder that 157 Republicans voted against this bill. Nearly three-quarters of House Republicans who didn’t vote for the measure, many calling it a political charade. So you’re on the record now voting against interracial marriage?” —Trevor Noah

“The Senate is unlikely to vote on the measure, as the chamber has ‘more priorities than we have time’, according to Dick Durbin, a senior Democratic leader. You don’t have time? How long does it take? Should gay marriage be legal? Yes, boom, voted, done. That was like, three seconds maybe? I can do another one, look how much time I have. Should interracial marriage be legal? Boom, bam, yes there we go, done. That’s two votes! Let’s go again: should interracial marriage be mandatory? Uh, this one’s a little bit harder, but I’m going to say yeah, let’s do it. All the babies would be super cute.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I called everyone a conspiracy theorist and clapped like a monkey (See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way?)

"Pope Francis is considering repealing celibacy for priests. Priests will no longer have to take a vow of celibacy. See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way?" –David Letterman

"According to a new study, the largest producer of oil is now the United States. So you know what that means – any day now we'll be invading ourselves." –David Letterman

"The experts are saying the State of the Union address was very ambitious. President Bush said he plans to introduce dozens of bold, new mispronunciations." --David Letterman 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is what we have been training for, people! Let's go! (Hillary Clinton ran past him into the Oval Office)

May 2014

"What must it be like to work at a rehab facility and you see Toronto Mayor Rob Ford walk through the door? I can imagine: red lights start flashing, a siren goes off, someone yells, 'This is what we have been training for, people! Let's go!'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new report says that global warming could cause Boston to end up completely underwater. Bostonians say, 'We're OK with that as long as it happens when the Yankees are in town.' They hate them that much." –Conan O'Brien

"They are reopening the Washington monument. The thing has been shut down for the last two years – like the Obama administration." –David Letterman

"During his visit to the White House, the President of Uruguay lectured President Obama about the dangers of smoking. Then, when Obama said 'Oh, I quit,' Hillary Clinton ran past him into the Oval Office." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

when you try to fill a briefcase with unlimited breadsticks (Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s swollen balls)

September 2021

“One way you can tell that the Republican Party is intellectually bankrupt is that they spend very little time talking about policy and a lot more time talking about bat [expletive] conspiracy theories they concocted out of nowhere. It’s so hard to keep up with the right-wing rumor mill that sometimes I’ll only find out about one after it’s been debunked. Yesterday I was scrolling through Twitter and saw a Snopes headline that said, ‘No, Joe Biden is not a Westworld Robot Created by George Soros to Steal Your Hamburgers,’ and I thought, ‘Oh, right, I forgot to tape “Judge Jeanine” last night.’” —Seth Meyers

“So, the left is focused on trying to pass a far-reaching bill that would transform child care, expand the social safety net and tackle climate change, among other things, and what’s the MAGA crowd doing? Are they offering any alternative solutions? Or are they asking Eric Trump about Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s swollen balls?” —Seth Meyers

“I will say this, though: If cable news ever gets boring for Tucker, he’d make a hell of an improviser because my man knows how to heighten. [Imitating Carlson] If they can force you take a vaccine, what can’t they force you to do? Can they force you to take psychotropic meds? Make you wear a seatbelt? Make you put your shoes on at Olive Garden even though they tell you, ‘When you’re here, you’re family?’ And then when you try to fill a briefcase with unlimited breadsticks, can they call security?” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”