his recent weight gain poses a significant health risk (The Hut)

“Speaking of Trump, The Washington Post suggests that his recent weight gain poses a significant health risk noting that Joe Biden kept his trim figure through a daily regimen of [expletive] his pants.” — Greg Gutfeld

“Pizza Hut has announced that they are shortening their name at least temporarily to ‘Hut.’ Meanwhile, Taco Bell is shortening its name to diarrhea.” — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeesh, what does the loser get? (I call it my daily doobie)

I don’t know if this is such a good idea, but Pizza Hut just unveiled its new "Triple Threat Box," which is a box with three drawers that holds pizza, breadsticks, and a big chocolate chip cookie. Or as Chris Christie calls that, "A wallet.” –Jimmy Fallon

The third and final debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is coming up in Las Vegas next week, and Hillary’s holding a contest where the winner gets to actually go watch it in person. Everyone was like, “Yeesh, what does the loser get?” –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that marijuana use among people over 65 has gone up 250 percent in recent years. One woman said, "I like to smoke up before watching 'Jeopardy!' I call it my daily doobie." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Crap, did I sleep with CNN? (Or as Chris Christie calls that...)

This morning, CNN filed a lawsuit against President Trump. When he found out, Trump was furious. He was like, "Crap, did I sleep with CNN?" --Jimmy Fallon

I don’t know if this is such a good idea, but Pizza Hut just unveiled its new "Triple Threat Box," which is a box with three drawers that holds pizza, breadsticks, and a big chocolate chip cookie. Or as Chris Christie calls that, "A wallet.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but it is the tagline for Pizza Hut’s new Meat Lover’s Coffin (rich people's rocket money)

On the Democratic side, Joe Biden is one day older, but determined to stay in the race. And to do that, he needs the support of his party, so congressional Democrats gathered on Tuesday behind closed doors to talk about Biden’s future in what one called a “come to Jesus meeting”. The tone of the meeting was reportedly somber, with one participant likening it to a funeral, while another called that comparison an “insult to funerals”. Hey Democrats, keep it light. An ‘insult to funerals’ is not a rallying cry, but it is the tagline for Pizza Hut’s new Meat Lover’s Coffin. —Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump will soon pick his choice for his vice president. Trump needs someone who is going to help him win, so right now the front-runner is Joe Biden.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'll close that bridge when I get to it (The King Collar)

"Tomorrow Chris Christie is expected to unveil his agenda for this year. When asked what he's planning for next year, Christie said, 'I'll close that bridge when I get to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

A county in Colorado just voted to put taxes from selling marijuana toward supporting college scholarships. And you can tell it's a weed scholarship, because it actually pays for 11 years of college. –Jimmy Fallon

I don’t know if this is such a good idea, but Pizza Hut just unveiled its new "Triple Threat Box," which is a box with three drawers that holds pizza, breadsticks, and a big chocolate chip cookie. Or as Chris Christie calls that, "A wallet.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What you're really getting (extra toppings)

Chicago became the largest U.S. city to call for a ceasefire in Gaza, and in return, Gaza called for a ceasefire in Chicago. —Michael Che

Black History Month started on Thursday. Twenty minutes late. —Michael Che

A Pizza Hut in Canada has gone viral after employees posted a sign on the door explaining that the location was closed due to ‘Unforeseen Circumcisions.’ It was obviously a misprint because Pizza Hut loves extra toppings. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the first pizza where they promise to deliver an ambulance in 30 minutes. (I do not stand with...)

Pizza Hut announced it will be unveiling a pizza whose crust is stuffed with hot dogs. It's the first pizza where they promise to deliver an ambulance in 30 minutes.—Conan O’Brien

First lady Melania Trump has officially, as of today, moved into the White House. In a related story, Donald Trump just moved from the Lincoln Bedroom to the Lincoln Couch. –Conan O’Brien

Cameron Crowe has issued an apology for casting Emma Stone as an Asian woman in his new movie. He also announced that his next film about Malcolm X will no longer star Benedict Cumberbatch.—Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

And the third most dangerous was somehow Detroit again (Hey, no spoilers!)

Researchers have recently found that binge-watching TV shows can raise the risk of chronic disease and early death. Said binge-watchers, “Hey, no spoilers!” –Seth Meyers

Video has surfaced of employees of a Southern California Pizza Hut smoking marijuana on the job during New Year’s Eve. Which explains why every pizza they delivered that night only had two slices left. –Seth Meyers

"According to a new report, Detroit, Michigan, is the most dangerous city in the country with Oakland, California, coming in second. And the third most dangerous was somehow Detroit again." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don't You Dare Tell Me How To Freedom (War Zones)

November 2021

“It is Veterans Day here in the United States, the day on which we honor the men and women who served and fought in wars to defend our country so the rest of us can fight on Facebook.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The closest most of us have come to a war zone is shopping on Black Friday at T.J. Maxx.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yup, the only people who have seen more combat than you guys are flight attendants on Southwest.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I remember telling my dad that I thought a life in uniform might be right for me, so he went out and got me a job application for Pizza Hut.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s not what you come for, but it’s why you stick around (Jeb Bush works at a Quiznos now)

October 2021

“I mentioned last night a trove of confidential internal Facebook documents were leaked to the press. The gist of them is that Facebook knew its technology was amplifying hate speech and misinformation. There was an internal memo written in 2019 that says, ‘We also have compelling evidence that our core product mechanics, such as vitality, recommendations, and optimizing for engagement, are a significant part of why these types of speech flourish on the platform.’ Their core product mechanics. That means hate and lies are baked directly into Facebook, like the cheese in a stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And another interesting detail is that Facebook engineers — they will prioritize the posts that get a lot of emoji reactions, including the anger emoji by 5-1 over just the regular like. The hate and the lies on Facebook — it’s like the nicotine in a cigarette: It’s not what you come for, but it’s why you stick around.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Yeah, that’s right, Facebook knew it was rewarding [expletive] posts as long as they generated an emotional response. And I’ll be honest, when I first heard about this, I was shocked because I couldn’t believe that Mark Zuckerberg knows what emotions are.” —Trevor Noah

“Although it does make sense because in regular life, we all put more value on things that produce an emotional response in us. You know, it’s why Donald Trump became president and Jeb Bush works at a Quiznos now.” —Trevor Noah

“Of course, everyone’s been talking about Facebook lately, and Mark Zuckerberg just announced that he’s ‘retooling’ the social media platform toward young adults and away from older users. Honestly, just make it a little harder to sign in, and you will never see an old person on Facebook.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's so big, it can do the work of two babies (Oh, that's cute)

February 2012

"Since yesterday's primaries, Rick Santorum's campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said '$250,000? Oh, that's cute.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it's so big, it can do the work of two babies." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum scored a hat trick winning in Colorado, Minnesota and Missouri. Newt Gingrich scored a hat trick eating at KFC, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Contentious is his ONLY note! He's a human air horn (I'm sorry, Helsinki)

It is the first full day of Donald Trump's trip to Europe. He's in Brussels for the NATO summit and then it’s on to England, and then he's going straight to hell — I'm sorry, Helsinki — to meet with Vladimir Putin. --Stephen Colbert

As The New York Times put it, “Mr. Trump kicked off his meetings on a contentious note.” Contentious is his ONLY note! He's a human air horn.  --Stephen Colbert

Trump claims Germany is controlled by Russia because 35 percent of their natural gas comes from Russia. It's true, we're all controlled by the people who give us our gas, which is why I'm forever beholden to the Chevron on Route 3. When they invaded the Pizza Hut next door, I said nothing. What could I do?  --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

President Trump did not win his Oscar pool (Apache Blessing)

Pizza Hut introduced a pair of athletic shoes that have a button that orders pizza. When they heard about it, fans of Pizza Hut said, "What are athletic shoes?" --Conan O’Brien

Some Republicans are really angry about a joke at last night’s Oscars made about Mike Pence. My advice to those Republicans: Don’t watch the Tonys. --Conan O’Brien

The Academy Awards were last night and two of the biggest awards went to Mexican director Guillermo del Toro. So I’m guessing President Trump did not win his Oscar pool. --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Trump simply assured everyone that he replaced it with “something terrific.”

There’s talk that Donald Trump may appoint Sarah Palin as secretary of the interior, which means she would oversee the National Park Service. When they heard that, bears were like, “Well, we had a good run.” –Jimmy Fallon

Later, the market went down when Trump announced he’s getting rid of Obamacare. The market went up when Trump simply assured everyone that he replaced it with “something terrific.” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump will be the first U.S. president ever to have appeared in an ad for Pizza Hut. In fact, some pundits are predicting Trump will run in 2020 against Flo from Progressive. –Conan O’Brien

without all that judgment from your masseuse/Osama's Killed: 0

Recently to celebrate opening in its 100th country, Pizza Hut decided to deliver a pizza to the summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro, the highest point in Africa. I mean this isn't so crazy, whenever I order Pizza Hut I'm usually super high. –James Corden

You just know that once the guy got to the top, the climbers were like, “Ah, I actually ordered no anchovies, if you could just…” –James Corden

Burger King has converted one of its restaurants in Finland into a combination of a restaurant and spa. But this is good because now it's perfectly OK to eat a burger during a massage without all that judgment from your masseuse. –James Corden

Hey, no spoilers!

A militia group that is protesting the U.S. government has taken over a wildlife refuge in Oregon. Of course you can understand why they’re angry, it’s really not easy being a white man in Oregon. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama this afternoon said that guns should come with new safety devices because “if a kid can’t open aspirin they shouldn’t be able to pull a trigger.” And the gun lobby plans to cooperate by making aspirin bottles easier to open. –Seth Meyers

After being confronted yesterday by a homosexual protester on whether being gay is a choice, Dr. Ben Carson said, “That’s a long conversation.” Of course, for him, “Hello, I’m Ben Carson” is a long conversation. –Seth Meyers

Researchers have recently found that binge-watching TV shows can raise the risk of chronic disease and early death. Said binge-watchers, “Hey, no spoilers!” –Seth Meyers

Video has surfaced of employees of a Southern California Pizza Hut smoking marijuana on the job during New Year’s Eve. Which explains why every pizza they delivered that night only had two slices left. –Seth Meyers

Bill Cosby did what?

Pizza Hut announced it will be unveiling a pizza whose crust is stuffed with hot dogs. It's the first pizza where they promise to deliver an ambulance in 30 minutes.—Conan O’Brien

Three astronauts returned to Earth today from the International Space Station after spending more than 200 days in space. Said one of the astronauts, “Bill Cosby did what?”—Seth Meyers