so in a certain way, I feel like I saved $500 million (They said it couldn’t be done but we did it)

“I’m not going to lie — I still can’t believe Mike Bloomberg spent $500 million to not be president. Now, like, I’m also not going to be the president, but I spent nothing. No, so in a certain way, I feel like I saved $500 million, yeah?” —Trevor Noah

“[As Michael Bloomberg] That’s right. We spent half a billion dollars to absolutely eat [expletive]. They said it couldn’t be done but we did it.” —Trevor Noah

I’m surprised the summit talks broke down in Vietnam. I thought Kim Jong UN and Trump had a good relationship. Even Trump said that he and Kim “Fell in Love.” I know that sounds weird but when you think about it, Kim Jong Un is totally Donald Trump's type. All of Trump’s best relationships are with people who are half his age and don’t speak English. --Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

“I’m on my way!!,” said R. Kelly (you're probably not big on warnings)

According to CNN, over 800 people in Central Florida were stung by jellyfish this week. “I’m on my way!!” said R. Kelly. --Seth Meyers

Authorities are warning people to avoid swimming in some New Jersey rivers because of increased numbers of so-called clinging jellyfish. Though if you're swimming in New Jersey rivers, you're probably not big on warnings. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They say it makes it impossible to jump (the difference between the United States and China)

Architecture critics are complaining that the new Obama presidential library has no windows. They say it makes it impossible to jump. —Greg Gutfeld

Earlier this week, Hunter Biden said that the cocaine found at the White House in 2023 was definitely not his. And he added, "If I'm lying, may God strike me with a giant bag of cocaine.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a Beluga whale in every toilet (two bonus minutes)

In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert

If you remember a few weeks ago the democrats proposed a $1 Trillion infrastructure deal, and Trump said, “Why not $2 Trillion?” So they said Okay. Today was just supposed to be hammering out the details, but it didn’t work out that way. Trump walked in, didn’t shake anyone’s hand or take a seat, and left before anyone else could speak. All told, it was over in three minutes. According to Stormy Daniels that’s two bonus minutes. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When events happen, we’re at most one country away (Oh, I can explain: he lies)

While many members of the press were there to cover Trump’s China visit, a CBS journalist failed to get a visa in time and had to cover from Taiwan instead. This fits into the CBS slogan: “When events happen, we’re at most one country away.” —Stephen Colbert

This week, it was reported that Iran is much stronger than Trump claims. Oh, I can explain: he lies. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

then maybe walk around the neighborhood till you calm down (two bonus minutes)

It started with Trump’s plan to turn the air traffic control functions of the FAA into a nonprofit corporation. Although, to be fair, any company Trump runs is eventually nonprofit. –Stephen Colbert

If you remember a few weeks ago the democrats proposed a $1 Trillion infrastructure deal, and Trump said, “Why not $2 Trillion?” So they said Okay. Today was just supposed to be hammering out the details, but it didn’t work out that way. Trump walked in, didn’t shake anyone’s hand or take a seat, and left before anyone else could speak. All told, it was over in three minutes. According to Stormy Daniels that’s two bonus minutes. --Stephen Colbert

This week Denver became the first city to decriminalize hallucinogenic mushrooms. This is going to change their whole approach to tourism. “Denver: Come stare at the wood grain on the door, then maybe walk around the neighborhood till you calm down.” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know things are going south when even Mike Pompeo considers doing the right thing (Well done, Billy, well done)

November 2021

“Yesterday, President Biden signed his bipartisan infrastructure bill into law, and to tell everyone about it today, he kicked off a road show to showcase the benefits of the bill. It’s like ‘The Antiques Road Show’ if the road was the antique.” — Stephen Colbert

“And, guys, why do they have to sign the bill in public? I mean, I know this is important legislation, but as a spectator sport, it’s pretty boring. Where’s the drama? ‘Ooh, maybe the pen will run out of ink!’” —Trevor Noah

“Also, why are they even having a bill-signing celebration? Passing laws is their job. Nobody else gets to do that at their job. Like, after you make photocopies for your boss at the office, you don’t get to pose for pictures while shaking hands: [imitating boss] ‘I didn’t think you could get it double-sided. Well done, Billy, well done.’” —Trevor Noah

“In Jonathan Karl’s book Betrayal, Karl claimed that in the wake of the Capitol attack on January 6th, Trump cabinet members Mike Pompeo and Steve Mnuchin explored invoking the 25th amendment to remove him from office. You know things are going south when even Mike Pompeo considers doing the right thing.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Pompeo reportedly asked for an analysis of the 25th amendment and how it would work. He was very careful about it, he went to the White House legal department like ‘hey I have this friend … you don’t know him, anyway he was thinking about invoking the 25th amendment? And he was wondering, like, how that all works? And would his name be on it?’” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How did we go from middle class to working poor in only 35 years? (she hates that)

November 2021

“According to a new book, former Acting Defense Secretary Christopher Miller purposely offered, then presented, Donald Trump extreme military scenarios in the final week of his presidency to prevent him from choosing to attack Iran. Unfortunately, he opted for the craziest one — attacking the U.S.” —Seth Meyers

“After the election, Sidney Powell contacted a Pentagon official to push the claim that the C.I.A. director had been hurt and taken into custody in Germany while ‘on a secret mission to destroy evidence of voter fraud on a computer server that belonged to a company named Scytl.’ Where did Powell get this urgent news? From a false conspiracy theory that had been gaining steam among QAnon followers. Oh, yeah, that theory is definitely steaming.” — Stephen Colbert

“During the signing ceremony for President Biden’s bipartisan infrastructure bill, Biden twice referred to Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema as ‘Kristen.’ And that’s the worst thing you can call her besides a Democrat — she hates that.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which means quicker load times for all their QAnon conspiracy theories (so I guess Trump was right)

November 2021

“Recapping the highlights from the 900th book about Donald Trump’s presidency. In Betrayal, the former president told ABC News’s Jonathan Karl that he ‘wouldn’t dispute’ a report that he told Mike Pence ‘you can either go down in history as a patriot or you can go down in history as a pussy’ on the morning of the Capitol riot. I wonder if he tried to grab Mike Pence by the patriot? Mike Pence now claims he has no problems at all with his former boss, so I guess Trump was right.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The book also revealed a movement within Republican leadership to ban Trump from Biden’s inauguration; according to Karl, Trump got wind of the plan and tweeted his planned absence before it could be announced he was disinvited. In a statement released on Monday, Trump disputed the story and said ‘the decision was mine and mine alone’ and called Mitch McConnell ‘the old broken-down Crow’. He’s still got it.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Hours after lawmakers answered one of the thorniest questions facing our country: should we have roads? The answer was yes, as Joe Biden signed into law the $1.2 Trillion infrastructure bill to fund projects from public transportation, roads and bridges to ports, railways, power grids and broadband internet. That means thanks to Joe Biden, more Americans will have access to high-speed internet, which means quicker load times for all their QAnon conspiracy theories.” —Stephen Colbert

“The intense negotiations over the measure were remarkable, he added, because funding roads and bridges didn’t use to be such a big deal. The original 1956 measure which created the interstate highway system, for example, enjoyed strong bipartisan support. But now, not so much. Our politics are so partisan, so broken, that the GOP House members who voted in favor of infrastructure were targeted by their own party of their House committee assignments and even got death threats. Are we just death threat-ing everything these days? Pretty soon we’re going to need a new greeting card section: Death to a Special Nephew on His Birthday.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I could only hear my own thoughts in the voice of MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell (That’s where we’re at now)

November 2021

“Republicans and Fox News pundits are misleading Americans on the state of the economy. These people are willing to lie so brazenly and shamelessly about anything. There’s no doubt that there are serious issues, between inflation and the supply chain crisis, but last night Fox host Laura Ingraham tried to compare the economic records of Trump and Biden in the most deceptive way possible with a graphic that blamed Biden for the fact that 3 million fewer Americans were working in October 2021 compared with when Trump was president in December 2019. Huh, I can’t remember, did anything major happen between those two numbers? I’m sorry if I was a little foggy, I was trapped in an attic for a few months wiping down doorknobs with Lysol and hoarding the last scraps of toilet paper I could buy off the black market while slowly descending into a madness so fully encompassing that for long stretches of time, I could only hear my own thoughts in the voice of MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell.” —Seth Meyers

“Not only are Republicans and Fox News lying about the economy, they’re also so fundamentally opposed to addressing those issues or even having a functioning government that they’re now threatening to purge any members from their ranks who voted for Biden’s infrastructure bill. Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, for example, called the 13 representatives who voted for the bill ‘traitors’, while the former White House chief of staff Mark Meadows said they should be stripped of their committee assignments. That’s where we’re at now, keeping roads and bridges from falling apart is considered giving Democrats a win, instead of something good for the country.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ll give you a hint — his name rhymes with ‘garbage dump.’ (No, I’m serious, folks)

November 2021

“A new poll found President Biden’s approval rating is at 38 percent. That was before Congress passed the infrastructure bill, though. And if anything can get the American people fired up, it’s infrastructure.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The poll did have one bit of good news for Biden: He’s not Kamala Harris.” —Stephen Colbert

“Kamala Harris has an approval rating of 28 percent, which is — makes no sense, because she basically has nothing to do. I mean, it’s like criticizing a backup quarterback: ‘Tom Brady is OK — I don’t love the way Blaine Gabbert has his legs folded on the bench.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Kamala’s approval rating of 28 percent is even lower than the 30 percent who approved of Dick Cheney in 2008 after he shot a guy in the face.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“[imitating Joe Biden] Thirty-eight percent ain’t so bad, Jack. Why, I remember when 38 was the highest percent that existed. Then ol’ Patty Numberton came out and said, ‘Hey, fellas, what about 39?’ We all said, ‘That’s the greatest idea since sliced bread.’ Then we all went, ‘Yeah, why don’t we start slicin’ bread? I’m tired of choking on a loaf! No, I’m serious, folks.’” —Stephen Colbert

“There’s only one president in the history of polling whose approval rating was worse than Biden’s at this point. You want to guess which president it was? I’ll give you a hint — his name rhymes with ‘garbage dump.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’ll get us there, it’ll just happen very slowly with the blinker on the whole ride (it’s called homeland security, people)

November 2021

“The passage of President Biden’s $1.2 Trillion infrastructure bill, which received support from 13 Republicans, to the chagrin of many their colleagues. Donald Trump said Republicans who voted for the bill should be ashamed of themselves, while Representative Majorie Taylor Greene of Georgia called them ‘traitors’ helping the communist takeover of America. Which I know sounds crazy, but think about it – how are Soviet tanks gonna invade America? Over the newly refurbished roads and bridges. That’s why you’ve gotta keep your roads and bridges broken, it’s called homeland security, people.” —Trevor Noah

“It’s not just fellow lawmakers – Congressman Fred Upton of Michigan said he was harassed by constituents for working with Democrats, with a voicemail calling him a ‘traitor’ and a ‘piece of shit’ whose family should die, among other insults. And they say political discourse is dead. This is really disturbing, because what kind of person leaves voicemails any more?” —Trevor Noah

“We’re also not even a year into his presidency, Joe Biden. Don’t worry, he’s like Grandpa at the wheel. He’ll get us there, it’ll just happen very slowly with the blinker on the whole ride.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only hunk of Canadian meat worth that much is Ryan Gosling (We Have the Meats!)

November 2021

“Inflation of food prices is out of control. Specifically: meatflation, as prices for sirloin, boneless chunk roast and bacon have increased by 25%. In Canada, a rib roast could now cost as much as $100. That’s ridiculous. A hundred dollars? The only hunk of Canadian meat worth that much is Ryan Gosling.” —Stephen Colbert

“But meat is only the rib-tip of the iceberg, as prices are increasing for everything from cooking oil to dairy to pizza ingredients, forcing many New York pizza shops to abandon the classic $1 slice. It’s gotten so bad that Pizza Rat can only afford garlic knots.” —Stephen Colbert

“The inflated meat prices have been a drag on Joe Biden’s approval ratings, now down to 38%, and a CNN poll found that the majority of Americans believe Biden isn’t paying attention to the nation’s most important issues. Yes, he’s focused on things Americans don’t care about, like infrastructure. He needs to change his slogan from ‘Build Back Better’ to ‘We Have the Meats!’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The party has gone from ‘Yes We Can’ to ‘Wait, We Did?!’ (FREE BONER PILLS FOR LIFE!)

November 2021

“Congress passed President Biden’s $1.2 Trillion infrastructure bill. They did one thing! After months of dragging their feet, I think we’re all shocked that the Democrats got this done. The party has gone from ‘Yes We Can’ to ‘Wait, We Did?!’” —Stephen Colbert

“It also includes $47 Billion to withstand the devastating impacts of climate change. OK that’s good. You know what would’ve been better? Billions of dollars to prevent the devastating impacts of climate change. This is the equivalent to showing up to a car crash and handing out seat belts.” —Stephen Colbert

“It appears that Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani did not review debunked election fraud claims before broadcasting them to the general public in 2020. In a taped deposition, it’s not my job in a fast-moving case to go out and investigate every piece of evidence that’s given to me. No, of course not, that’s what lawyers are for. As everyone knows, you’re just the events coordinator for a landscaping company.” —Seth Meyers

“Sweet Rudy, that is your job! Or at least, it’s supposed to be your job – although in fairness, Rudy looks less like a guy who would investigate a crime and more like the guy sitting on a park bench who just tells the cops what they’re doing is wrong.” —Seth Meyers

“You really don’t think it’s your job to verify information before you announce it to the world? Is this how you operated when you were mayor? (imitating Giuliani’s New York accent): ‘Thank you for coming to this press conference everyone, I have huge news for the city of New York: today I received an email with the subject line FWD: FWD: FWD: FREE BONER PILLS FOR LIFE! And that’s not just for me, it’s for life for the entire city.’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

based on this photo, it either really hurt, or felt really good (They Kingdom Comes)

October 2021

The infrastructure bill has been delayed indefinitely. So I guess we’ll cross that bridge when it collapses on top of us. —Colin Jost

Joe Biden also got his Covid booster shot at the White House live on camera and based on this photo, it either really hurt, or felt really good. —Colin Jost

Pfizer has also submitted data to the FDA to approve its Covid vaccine for kids under 11, which means they could be vaccinated by Halloween. Because what goes better with Halloween than needles. —Colin Jost

Some Catholics around the country are claiming religious exemption to the Covid vaccine. Because there’s nothing more Catholic than letting someone else die for your sins. —Colin Jost

Purdue University researchers have created the whitest paint on record. The paint is so white I’m its favorite part of SNL. —Colin Jost

A Colorado woman who posts on OnlyFans says that praying before sex with her husband allows her to experience a threesome with God. A threesome that doesn’t end until They Kingdom Comes. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They removed five polyps and ten Al Gore ballots (old road signs)

"Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies. Now he knows what it feels like to be invaded. He's okay, although he was slightly injured trying to say the word 'colonoscopy.' It was long, but a successful procedure. They removed five polyps and ten Al Gore ballots." --David Letterman

"An article in USA Today says the steam pipe explosion in New York the other day is just another example of how most cities in America are way behind in upgrading their aging infrastructures. Like right here in Los Angeles, we still have a lot of old road signs written in English." --Jay Leno

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long (infrastructure)

Two Papa John’s employees in Washington State were arrested this week for allegedly delivering cocaine in pizza boxes. Authorities became suspicious when Papa John’s started getting five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long. –Seth Meyers

The White House announced today that they’re kicking off “Infrastructure Week.” It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats