Don't ask her how she operated the stick shift (the dictionary completely nails it)

 A Florida cop pulled over a one-handed woman for holding a cell phone while driving. Don't ask her how she operated the stick shift. —Greg Gutfeld

There are reports that the next James Bond will be a woman. Yeah. Instead of a license to kill, she'll have a license to blame you for whatever happened to her in her dreams. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

My estate better make sure that the Jonas Brothers are banned from my funeral (they should come over later)

 

Starting in December, eligible men aged 18 to 25 will automatically be registered for the draft. As for women aged 18 to 25, they should come over later. —Greg Gutfeld        

Two women in Mexico were filmed fighting over a coffin after reportedly learning that they both dated the deceased man. Well, that reminds me. My estate better make sure that the Jonas Brothers are banned from my funeral. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”

NHL: Arizona Coyotes vs Calgary Flames

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

NHL: Toronto Maple Leafs vs Calgary Flames

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

NHL: Toronto Maple Leafs vs Calgary Flames

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

They're already considering getting a backup generator for Mitch McConnell (Bond, James Bond)

Amazon Prime came under fire from outraged fans for removing guns from its James Bond artwork. True, after the guns were eliminated, viewers thought License to Kill was about a female driver. — Greg Gutfeld

It's day eight of the government shutdown. It's getting scary. They're already considering getting a backup generator for Mitch McConnell. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A lucid and well-informed examination of the world's problems (so I guess you're out of luck Chris Hayes)

Cops found what appeared to be a human leg bone near Taylor Swift’s beachside mansion. I guess the bone and the rest of the body are never ever ever getting back together. —Greg Gutfeld 

Halle Berry says she's not sure if a woman should ever play James Bond, so I guess you're out of luck Chris Hayes. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

neatly folded and pressed (It's called a driver's license)

According to a new report Chinese spies have infiltrated Stanford University. This became very apparent when all the graduation gowns showed up neatly folded and pressed. —Greg Gutfeld

Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry says she doesn't know if a woman should ever play James Bond. After all women already have a license to kill. It's called a driver's license. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, that rules out Prince Harry (and of course the Don Lemon exhibit)

The Museum of Failure houses some of the world's greatest flops. Visitors can see attractions such as Crystal Pepsi, carrot cake Oreos and of course the Don Lemon exhibit. —Greg Gutfeld

Amazon Studios the new owner of the James Bond franchise, promises that the beloved super spy will remain male and British. Well, that rules out Prince Harry. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Open the schools! (It's about social control)

The producers of the upcoming James Bond movie No Time To Die announced that because of the coronavirus outbreak they are pushing the movie’s release date from April to November. Though I think they should still release the movie in April and just take out the No. —Colin Jost

A seven year old boy in Pennsylvania set a new world record by bouncing on a POGO stick more than 2,000 times in a row. Said the boy's parents, “Open the schools!” —Colin Jost

Post cereal has announced they will be making a new Sour Patch Kids flavored cereal. It’s a great way to start the morning off on the right foot because the left foot was taken by diabetes. --Colin Jost, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Pontius Pilate lizard (C***** Aplenty)

March 2023

As this year’s award season gets underway, there’s a growing movement to get rid of the genders categories of best actor and best actress, and instead call them best actor and best actor who got paid less. —Colin Jost

Biologists in Florida are warning that the Jesus Christ lizard, named for its ability to run on water, could spread harmful diseases to humans. They hope to control the population by introducing a Pontius Pilate lizard. —Colin Jost

It was reported that the James Bond books are being rewritten to eliminate offensive material. So now the character Pussy Galore will now be called Cooter Aplenty. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How was your sleep, Mr. Bond? (stuffing a bill in a stripper’s g-string when it has a picture of your grandmother on it)

"Prince William’s nightclub owner friend is said to be planning a wild bachelor party. It must be weird stuffing a bill in a stripper’s g-string when it has a picture of your grandmother on it." –Jimmy Fallon

"I guess it isn't going well over there. In fact, I heard there's even a shortage of pillows. The shortage is so bad that visitors are being asked to give their pillows to the Olympic athletes, because there's nothing more comforting than waking up in Russia to see a stranger coming at you with a pillow. 'How was your sleep, Mr. Bond?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton recently said it's a “low blow” for Bernie Sanders to criticize her for not being progressive enough. And if you want to know more about that story, do NOT Google “Clinton low blow.” Save yourself. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle (Don’t I get credit for anything?)

"The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred." –Conan O'Brien

"Sony has canceled the big Seth Rogen movie, 'The Interview.' North Koreans hacked their email so Sony said, 'Now we can't show anybody the movie.' I'm disappointed. I think this is the wrong thing to do. And I hear in the film that Meryl Streep is great as Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

"The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle." –Conan O'Brien

This week, Sarah Palin said that God helped Donald Trump win the presidential election. When he heard this, a furious Satan said, “Don’t I get credit for anything?” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That outfit is appropriate for only two things: intimidating voters or assassinating James Bond in the Alps (post-apocalyptic zombie wasteland)

November 2022

“With the midterms now less than a week away, Republicans and Democrats are making their closing arguments to voters. The GOP’s argument is: stop voting. Donald Trump and other GOP figures have encouraged ‘poll watchers’ to intimidate voters at ballot drop boxes across the country. Here are photos of men in Arizona dressed in ski masks and body armor. That outfit is appropriate for only two things: intimidating voters or assassinating James Bond in the Alps.” —Stephen Colbert

“On Tuesday, an Arizona judge ordered armed election ‘monitors’ to stay at least 250 feet away from drop boxes. I think it’s fair to say democracy is in danger when ballot boxes take out a restraining order.” —Stephen Colbert

“The rightwing group the Oath Keepers, is on trial for seditious conspiracy for their role in the January 6th attack on the Capitol. January 6th wasn’t just about smashing glass and hanging Pence. It was also about apps for the table, as prosecutors claim that Oath Keepers met for a late-night meal after the attack at an Olive Garden. That explains their new slogan: ‘When you’re here, your family didn’t hug you enough as a child.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s the spookiest Halloween ever – trick or treason, it’s a boo d’etat! (Privilege)

October 2022

“We cheered the House committee’s subpoena for Trump. And to make sure the former president reads the subpoena, it’s being printed on the wrapper of a Gordita Supreme.” —Stephen Colbert

“The committee’s evidence demonstrated that Trump and his associates were already planning to lie about the election results as early as October 31st. That’s the spookiest Halloween ever – trick or treason, it’s a boo d’etat!” —Stephen Colbert

“Such evidence included audio of Steve Bannon saying, on 31 October 2020: ‘And what Trump’s gonna do is he’s going to declare victory … he’s gonna sit right there and say they stole it … If Biden is winning, Trump is going to do some crazy shit.’ Usually when you hear someone lay out an evil plan that baldly, James Bond is strapped to a table with a laser pointed at his balls.” —Stephen Colbert

“Can you imagine Donald Trump complying with a subpoena from the January 6 committee? It will be fascinating to see what happens with the Trump subpoena, but it was definitely necessary. The reason why it’s so important to investigate the last coup attempt is because the next one is already under way.” —Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, Trump has been on the midterm campaign trail and bragged about the crowd size of the mob on January 6th. Trump’s out there, on camera, in front of a microphone bragging about the size of the crowd of an attempted violent coup for which he is under multiple criminal investigations currently. This is like if during his trial, O.J. was also doing ads for a leather apparel company with the slogan ‘When I do a hit, I like to wear gloves that fit.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The World's Largest Arms-Producing Companies (right before he slips out of his handcuffs)

September 2022

“There are several major questions for the House January 6th committee, including whether to subpoena Donald Trump himself. I gotta be honest, if I was on the committee, I’m not sure where I would land on the question of whether to subpoena Trump. I mean, on the one hand it would be great to get him under oath on camera, so you could make him answer questions in front of the public under the threat of perjury. On the other hand, he’s not going to answer questions under threat of perjury. Putting Trump on the stand is as good an idea as putting a chimpanzee in a school play – he’s not going to stick to the script.” —Seth Meyers

“Trump can’t even answer softball questions from his friends on Fox News without going off on deranged tangents. It would take days. The networks would have to pre-empt all their programming so Trump could ramble about statues or ax murders or windmills or toilets that don’t flush, although it would be nice to get him under oath about the toilets he’s always talking about. The committee will also use footage from a documentary that shows the Trump associate Roger Stone anticipating the insurrection before the 2020 election. In footage captured by Danish film-makers for A Storm Foretold, Stone explains how Trump will discredit the election and use armed guards to refuse to cede power. Why do all these guys explain their criminal schemes out loud in highly specific details before they do them? They’re like Bond villains spelling out exactly how they’re going to kill him right before he slips out of his handcuffs.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They say this is a slippery slope to dental care (But freedom is dead)

"Sarah Palin said, 'Obama lies, freedom dies.' And then she and Todd got on their snowmobile, road across the tundra, shooting anything they want with a machine gun.' But freedom is dead." –Bill Maher

"The Tea Party is furious that Obamacare became the law of the land. They say this is a slippery slope to dental care." –Bill Maher

"This is who the Democrats brought out last night -- James Bond was there, Leo DiCaprio, Diane Keaton, Steven Spielberg. Now, not to be outdone, this was who John McCain was campaigning with last week -- Wilford Brimley, the Quaker Oats dude. They are a little celebrity challenged. John McCain must have said to his staff, 'Find me someone who makes me look young. Make up a short list of people who are older than me.' And they said, 'Sir, that is a short list. Joan Rivers doesn't want to do it, and we're not sure if Abe Vigoda is dead.'" --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hear in the film that Meryl Streep is great as Kim Jong Un (Giggling Eagle)

"Sony has canceled the big Seth Rogen movie, 'The Interview.' North Koreans hacked their email so Sony said, 'Now we can't show anybody the movie.' I'm disappointed. I think this is the wrong thing to do. And I hear in the film that Meryl Streep is great as Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

"The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle." –Conan O'Brien

"Russia has named Vladimir Putin its man of the year for the 15th year in a row. Putin got 143 million votes and the guy he was up against got killed in a mysterious boating accident. The boat was in a warehouse." –Conan O'Brien

"The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And, well, that's what happens when you tick off gay people (How was your sleep, Mr. Bond?)

February 2014

"I guess it isn't going well over there. In fact, I heard there's even a shortage of pillows. The shortage is so bad that visitors are being asked to give their pillows to the Olympic athletes, because there's nothing more comforting than waking up in Russia to see a stranger coming at you with a pillow. 'How was your sleep, Mr. Bond?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow night the Olympics begin from Sochi. A lot of people over there say the hotels stink. The problem is there are only three hotels in Sochi. Of course, you have the Ritz Chernobyl. You have the Sheraton Gulag. And really the best one over there, The Two Seasons." –David Letterman

"The hotels are lousy. The Olympic village is a mess. The food is horrible. And, well, that's what happens when you tick off gay people." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only way Joe’s gonna kill you is by repeatedly telling the same story (Youchers)

January 2022

“The tension is sky-high over Russia’s massing of troops on the border with Ukraine. So the world’s two greatest nuclear powers are toe-to-toe in a high-stakes staring contest, but not everyone is pulling for our guy. There is a new poll which found 62% of Republicans think Putin is a ‘stronger leader’ than Biden. What is wrong with you? Stop rooting for the other team! Haven’t you seen Rocky IV, From Russia With Love, Air Force One, Rambo First Blood Part II, Golden Eye, The Hunt for Red October? Come on! I’m not sure what the Republican criterion for toughness is. It is true that Biden hasn’t murdered anyone with a cup of tea laced with polonium, a noose, point-blank shootings or by chucking them out of windows. The only way Joe’s gonna kill you is by repeatedly telling the same story.” —Stephen Colbert

“This comes after a yearlong, high-pressure campaign to get Stephen Breyer to step down while Democrats still have control of the Senate, which included a billboard truck that drove around Washington, D.C., that said ‘Breyer, retire.’ Youchers, that has got to sting. That’s like if I walked up to the Ed Sullivan Theater and the building said, ‘Quit.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”