Runoff is also what Herschel does when one of his kids shows up with a DNA kit (they’re no longer sleeping in separate beds)

November 2022

“Democrats were riding high today, even though they probably lost the House and could still lose the Senate. It’s like, ‘Great news! We didn’t get beaten as badly as everyone expected us to!’ Tuesday’s results were less of a red wave and more of a purple-nurple. America twisted Donald Trump’s chubby little nipples into a balloon animal last night.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In Georgia, Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock are headed to a runoff election in December, which could decide control of the Senate. Runoff is also what Herschel does when one of his kids shows up with a DNA kit.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Turning to Pennsylvania, where John Fetterman defeated Dr. Oz, a celebrity tapped by Donald Trump. The former president is reportedly livid about Oz’s loss, screaming when the numbers came in, according to the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman. They say the last time Trump was this disappointed was when Eric was born. Haberman reported that Trump was also furious with anyone who supported Oz, including his wife Melania, calling it ‘not her best decision’. It might even be her second worst decision. Trump is so angry at Melania, they’re no longer sleeping in separate beds.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nobody puts Ivanka in a burqa! (America in two headlines)

October 2022

“The release of Confidence Man, the new Trump book by the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman, well if you thought there wasn’t any more all to tell, you were incorrect. Among the details in the book, published on Tuesday: that five-year-old Donald Trump threw rocks at a baby named Dennis – basically the same thing he did to Mike Pence many years later.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Some more of the book’s highlights is that Trump thought gay people loved him, that during a flight with the Jeffrey Epstein associate Ghislaine Maxwell, he had his then 13-year-old son Eric fast-forward through all the dialogue in Bloodsport just to watch the fight scenes. Surprising part of that story is he let Eric on the plane.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In the lead-up to an ultimately scrapped meeting with Taliban leadership at Camp David, Trump was concerned that his daughter Ivanka would have to wear a burqa. Inviting the people who helped Osama bin Laden, that’s one thing, but nobody puts Ivanka in a burqa!” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess when you’re the pope and have tech issues, that’s who they send. (Who is lobbying for them?)

October 2022

“Even if you’re someone who follows politics very closely, you’d be hard-pressed to name a single Republican policy idea, aside from cutting rich people’s taxes, or banning abortion, or passing a law that says it’s illegal to win an election if your name isn’t Donald Trump SENIOR.” —Seth Meyers

“The former president sat for three interviews for Maggie Haberman’s book Confidence Man, which Trump has already discredited as fake news. This is what he does. For almost every one of these tell-all books, he sits for an interview, then the book comes out, and then he calls the author a liar. And then the same author writes their next book about him, he sits for an interview again, and calls them a liar again. But he loves the attention so much he can’t resist doing the interviews. Among other things, the book contains a story about Trump’s abandoned plan to emerge from the hospital, having survived Covid, wearing a Superman T-shirt. Listen, the only thing Trump does faster than a speeding bullet is have sex. We know that from Stormy Daniels.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Haberman also reported on the Trump team’s uncooperativeness during the transition to the Biden administration. In their final days in office, Trump’s staff printed out pictures of Hunter Biden and stuffed them in the White House air-conditioning unit. Which was especially weird because that’s where Melania was hiding at the time.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“I heard that today at the Vatican, Pope Francis met with Apple CEO Tim Cook. I guess when you’re the pope and have tech issues, that’s who they send.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's because you are here to help create a new one (Number 343)

September 2022

“Excerpts from a new book on the Trump presidency from the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman are being leaked. According to Confidence Man, Trump was having dinner with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer when he turned to their non-white staffers and said ‘why don’t you get the food?’ That is just awful, but to be fair, that’s what he says in every situation.” —Stephen Colbert

“Haberman also revealed that Trump nearly fired his daughter Ivanka and her husband, Jared Kushner, via tweet. That would be an awful way to find out they lost their jobs as … handbag blondeface? Haunted scarecrow? His and hers towel racks? I don’t know what they did. In the end, the ex-president did what he has done his whole life: he avoided his children. He never fired them, and as we all know, Jared went on to achieve Middle East peace.” —Stephen Colbert

“A new Forbes 400 list listed Elon Musk as the richest man in America, with a net worth of $251 Billion. The Tesla CEO beat out Jeff Bezos, who ceded his spot at No 1 in a show of solidarity with employees who aren’t allowed to go No 1 on the job. Trump is also back on the list, coming in at No 343, which hopefully will soon be his inmate number as well.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“There is a report in Maggie Haberman’s book that the former Trump chief of staff John Kelly convinced him not to fire Jared and Ivanka via tweet by waving a KFC drumstick in front of him and tossing it across the room. According to this book, everyone who worked at the White House, including his family, thought Trump was a dangerous, unpredictable child. And on behalf of all of us, I just want to say thank you to those brave men and women who kept that information to themselves and away from the American people who could have removed him from office.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

On the other hand, it's a great idea for a comedy show (Spies Who Lie)

September 2022

“At the Emmy Awards last night, we lost best variety series to Last Week Tonight With John Oliver, but even though we didn’t win, it was an honor just to get Covid from those who did win.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s another book about the end of the Trump presidency, this time by the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman. In Confidence Man: The Making of Donald Trump and the Breaking of America, Haberman reported that Trump had vowed after his defeat in the 2020 election to remain in the White House, telling an aide: ‘We’re never leaving.’ It was like when you try to tell a five-year-old it’s time to leave Disneyland. Fortunately, the Oval Office is oval, so you can’t really pile furniture up against the door. But how would he see that working? Would he and Joe Biden be roommates? I mean, on one hand it’s treason. On the other hand, it's a great idea for a comedy show.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“This week, the justice department said it would consider one of nominees from Trump’s legal team: Raymond Dearie, the former chief judge of the federal court in the eastern district of New York as special master. Let me tell you how this goes from here. Donald Trump just picked a guy who will decide whether or not, or to what extent, crimes have been committed. The justice department said OK, we accept this guy, Judge Dearie, as special master. He will look at the evidence, which is pretty clearcut, he will agree with the FBI, give them all the documents, and once he does, Trump will call him a puppet controlled by the Democrats. The whole thing is a distraction. It doesn’t matter what’s in the documents. Just taking them out of the White House is a crime under the Espionage and Presidential Records Acts, and they still don’t know whether Trump returned all the documents he took. Which, of course he didn’t. That’s like being unsure if Cookie Monster ate all the cookies.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Congrats Elise! I heard the president dropped your name (because that is where I keep most of my stuff)

“I’m in a very good mood, the kind you get when you find a dollar on the sidewalk, or you realize that our children may not be doomed to a fiery hellscape. The pep in my step is largely because this weekend, Senate Democrats finally passed a bill to fight climate change. Finally! Thank God we’re going to at least try to save the planet, because that is where I keep most of my stuff.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Inflation Reduction Act, passed 51-50 with a tie-breaking vote by Vice-President Kamala Harris, apportions nearly $400 Billion over 10 years in tax credits aimed at steering consumers to electric vehicles, with the goal of cutting emissions by about 40%. So from now on we’re putting only good things into the air, like donut-flavored vape smoke.” —Stephen Colbert

“It will also make good on Democrats’ years-long pledge to reduce prescription drug costs for the elderly. That is good news for the elderly, or as Chuck Grassley and Dianne Feinstein call them, ‘those damn kids!’” —Stephen Colbert

“In other news, the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman provided evidence to support a previous story that Donald Trump tried to flush shreds of White House documents down the toilet. Over the weekend, Haberman revealed photos from a White House source revealing scraps of paper at the bottom of a toilet bowl. To be fair, it’s unclear if those are official White House documents or his toilet’s suicide note, although the papers did appear to have Trump’s Sharpie handwriting, as well as the name ‘Stefanik’ written on them (as in the Republican congresswoman Elise Stefanik of New York). Congrats Elise! I heard the president dropped your name.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Dick Clark’s Pearl Harbor’s Rockin’ Eve (he knew the next 48 hours were going to bring chaos)

January 2022

“According to The New York Times’s Maggie Haberman, the real, real reason that Trump cancelled his speech is that it was becoming clear he wasn’t likely to get the live TV coverage he was hoping for. Well, that makes sense. Upstaging solemn events rarely gets good ratings. That’s why they canceled ‘Dick Clark’s Pearl Harbor’s Rockin’ Eve.’” —Stephen Colbert

“In his statement regarding the cancellation, Trump referred to the insurrection as a ‘completely unarmed protest’ and said he was moving the event from Mar-a-Lago to Arizona on Jan. 15. I‘d like to point out that they were armed. And when did we start having to say ‘unarmed’ protests? Protests are unarmed by default. That’s like saying: ‘We had a lovely weekend. It was a totally bloodless cotillion.’” —Stephen Colbert

“It makes sense that he’s moving it from Mar-a-Lago to Arizona, considering their state motto: ‘Arizona: America’s backup Florida.’” —Stephen Colbert

“According to publicly released documents, on 21 December 2020, Sean Hannity texted the White House chief of staff, Mark Meadows: ‘I do NOT see January 6 happening the way he is being told.’ So Hannity clearly knew what was coming. I wouldn’t be surprised if the former president planned this coup with the knowledge of the entire Fox News lineup, including the commercials.” —Stephen Colbert

“Apparently, Hannity saw some downsides to destroying our system of representative government. Hannity sent a text on January 5th, in which he told Mark Meadows he was ‘very worried about the next 48 hours’. So he either had advance knowledge of the plot, or he had just eaten three Taco Bell Burrito Supremes. Either way, he knew the next 48 hours were going to bring chaos.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry 

 

‘bad precedent’ should be the title of Trump’s autobiography (the son he never had)

April 2021

“You know, Trump’s advisers, according to Maggie Haberman of The New York Times, talked him out of a full-throated defense of Gaetz, which is sad, because Matt Gaetz really was the son Donald Trump never had, even though he had a couple.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“You know you haven’t done anything wrong when you check in with the president to ask for a pardon in case you happen to get accused of a sex crime somewhere down the line.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“As for the reported reasoning that pardoning Gaetz would set a ‘bad precedent’, the White House were only interested in setting terrible precedents. “But ‘bad precedent’ should be the title of Trump’s autobiography.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”