Donald Trump has screwed himself so badly that he’s going to have to write himself a check for $130,000 (a nuclear secret of your choosing)

August 2022

It’s great to be here. I’m Al Franken and I’m the only former U.S. senator to guest host Jimmy Kimmel Live. But tonight is not about politics, it’s about comedy and having fun. So who’s here from out of state to get an abortion? —Al Franken

We have some encouraging news coming out of Washington today. President Biden signed the Inflation Reduction Act which is a huge achievement. It is the single biggest investment in addressing climate change ever. While I’m here I really should talk about some of the other existential threats facing our nation. The enormous gaps in  wealth and income and other threats to our democracy. But I really think one of the most serious issues facing our country today is just how big a dick Ted Cruz is. —Al Franken

By taking classified documents to his home in Mar-a-Lago, former president Donald Trump has screwed himself so badly that he’s going to have to write himself a check for $130,000. —Al Franken

There has never been a better time to visit Palm Beach because for the rest of the summer Mar-a-Lago is running a special weekend getaway package that includes free breakfast, a room upgrade where available, and a nuclear secret of your choosing. —Al Franken

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s working his way towards an invite to the Fantasy Suite (That’s applause sir)

August 2022

Well folks, President Biden returned from his vacation in South Carolina and signed the historic Inflation Reduction Act into law. Yeah, things have been going pretty great for Biden. He may not have gotten the First Impression rose, but he’s working his way towards an invite to the Fantasy Suite. —Jimmy Fallon

Right after he signed the bill, Biden was wondering about those strange sounds he was hearing until someone told him, “That’s applause sir.” —Jimmy Fallon

Experts say that it’s the most significant climate bill in U.S. history. Trump heard about it and was like, “You’ll definitely want to sneak that one home when you leave office.” —Jimmy Fallon

Biden was coughing when he signed the bill and everyone was like, “You can keep the pen.” —Jimmy Fallon

The CDC just added Russia to their Covid Travel Warning List. Damn, so now you’re telling me it’s unsafe to travel to Russia. —Jimmy Fallon

Did you see this? Thousands of pouches of Capri Sun have been recalled because the juice might have been contaminated with cleaning solution. Yeah, and now they’re actually rebranding it as Capri Sun Lysol Blast. —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

thanks for printing out all 755 pages, by the way (You know what this place needs?)

August 2022

“We are celebrating a big weekend for Joe Biden, as Senate Democrats passed the Inflation Reduction Act, the economy added half a million new jobs, and he finally tested negative for Covid. So he was able to leave the White House for the first time in over two weeks. And this is great: when he emerged from hibernation, he predicted six more weeks of summer.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Biden had such a successful 18 days with Covid he’s already setting up meetings with shingles and pneumonia. I’m not into conspiracies, but all I’m saying is Beyoncé finally puts out an album and Biden hits a hot streak – you won’t break my soul, Jack.” —Jimmy Fallon

“We are cheering the passage of the Inflation Reduction Act, though as the vote was 51-50 with no Republican support, it was a great way to let the world know that half of us are united. The Senate majority leader, Chuck Schumer, called the 755-page bill the ‘boldest climate package in US history’. The Earth was like ‘thanks for printing out all 755 pages, by the way.’” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Congrats Elise! I heard the president dropped your name (because that is where I keep most of my stuff)

“I’m in a very good mood, the kind you get when you find a dollar on the sidewalk, or you realize that our children may not be doomed to a fiery hellscape. The pep in my step is largely because this weekend, Senate Democrats finally passed a bill to fight climate change. Finally! Thank God we’re going to at least try to save the planet, because that is where I keep most of my stuff.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Inflation Reduction Act, passed 51-50 with a tie-breaking vote by Vice-President Kamala Harris, apportions nearly $400 Billion over 10 years in tax credits aimed at steering consumers to electric vehicles, with the goal of cutting emissions by about 40%. So from now on we’re putting only good things into the air, like donut-flavored vape smoke.” —Stephen Colbert

“It will also make good on Democrats’ years-long pledge to reduce prescription drug costs for the elderly. That is good news for the elderly, or as Chuck Grassley and Dianne Feinstein call them, ‘those damn kids!’” —Stephen Colbert

“In other news, the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman provided evidence to support a previous story that Donald Trump tried to flush shreds of White House documents down the toilet. Over the weekend, Haberman revealed photos from a White House source revealing scraps of paper at the bottom of a toilet bowl. To be fair, it’s unclear if those are official White House documents or his toilet’s suicide note, although the papers did appear to have Trump’s Sharpie handwriting, as well as the name ‘Stefanik’ written on them (as in the Republican congresswoman Elise Stefanik of New York). Congrats Elise! I heard the president dropped your name.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It has all the essential food groups: bacon, foil, and yellow (Get ready for some crazy sh*t)

July 2022

“The legislative bombshell that shocked Washington: Joe Manchin, the centrist Democrat who has repeatedly thwarted the Biden administration’s efforts to pass the Build Back Better plan, announced Wednesday that he would support a bill to address the climate crisis. The $369 Billion package aiming to reduce US carbon emissions by 40% by 2030, part of a larger measure known as the Inflation Reduction Act, pays for itself with a 15% corporate minimum tax rate on billion-dollar companies or larger and funding to beef up tax enforcement for the wealthiest Americans. Finally, the mega-rich will have to pay any taxes at all. It’s got Elon Musk so scared, he is as white as a ghost.” —Stephen Colbert

“Joe Manchin’s support for the bill is a marked departure from his holdout positions even days earlier. So what happened? Turns out Manchin was visited by the ghost of climate future.” —Stephen Colbert

“With a little more hope for our planet, we can now rest easy and freak out about the economy, amid news that the economy shrank for the second quarter in a row, raising fears that the US could enter a recession. That’s on top of record inflation, which has hit even the bacon, egg and cheese. The price of the beloved New York bodega staple has increased from $2.50 to $4.50 – which is a tough blow to city consumers, because the sandwich, a diet staple, has all the essential food groups: bacon, foil, and yellow”. —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fact, right after the announcement, his approval rating skyrocketed to 11 percent (Look at you, Joe, look at you!)

July 2022

“Also, what a week for Joe Biden, huh? First he defeated Covid, then he defeated low expectations. Look at you, Joe, look at you!” —Trevor Noah

“The Inflation Reduction Act doesn’t include everything that Biden wanted with Build Back Better, but it’s still a big deal. It lowers prescription drug prices, enforces taxation of corporations, and marks $370 Billion to fight climate change through tax incentives and grants. This is a huge win for the Democrats, but remember, this is the Democratic party, so there’s still plenty of ways for this thing to fall apart. House Democrats could come out against it. Kyrsten Sinema could come out against it. Joe Manchin could come out tomorrow and oppose the bill just out of habit. But if it does get through, this could be the legislative victory that the Democrats need to ride into the midterms and only lose the House by 200 seats!” —Trevor Noah

“This is a huge victory for Biden. In fact, right after the announcement, his approval rating skyrocketed to 11 percent.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”