Jon Stewart, you owe me five bucks! Pay up! (testicle festival)

The Supreme Court scheduled arguments for the week of 22 April and said proceedings in the trial court would remain frozen until then. That makes it a total of 19 weeks of delays. These proceedings have been frozen for so long, they legally count as children in Alabama. —Stephen Colbert

The decision comes after an appeals court ruled unanimously against Trump’s claim that presidents have total immunity from prosecution, including if they ordered the assassination of a political rival. Though arguments will be heard in April, decisions would not be released until June, which would push the trial to late September or October, in the heart of the election. That’s terrible news for democracy, but fantastic news for television. All of the plotlines will come together at once for the thrilling conclusion of … America. —Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday, President Biden had his annual physical exam, and good news: He’s alive! Jon Stewart, you owe me five bucks! Pay up!” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Her next cookbook is just gonna be a bunch of takeout menus stapled together (Keep that sh*t up)

It was reported today that Martha Stewart will team up with the world's largest legal-marijuana producer to develop a new line of cannabis products. And her next cookbook is just gonna be a bunch of takeout menus stapled together. --Seth Meyers

A food-delivery man was recently arrested after allegedly dipping his testicles into a container of salsa that a customer ordered because he was only tipped 89 cents. Police became suspicious when the man yelled, "Oh, my balls! Oh! Oh, my balls! Oh, I hope someone orders hummus." --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump described North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un as “quite a character.” Quite a character? He's one of the most brutal dictators in the world, and you're talking about him like he's Dwight from "The Office." Meyers as Trump, "This guy, let me tell you, loves his beets. Loves them. Also killed thousands." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think that might be our biggest problem (Ladies.....Quit Laughing)

"Bush did sit down with the premiere Olympic sportscaster of all time, Bob Costas, to discuss what he thought was so weird about the invasion [on screen: Bush saying he thought it was odd Russia invaded Georgia during a time when the world is promoting 'peace and harmony,' and that there needs to be 'international mediation there']. Yes. Sometimes international mediation can solve conflicts. That's President Bush winning the preliminary heat in the 200 meter lack of self-awareness dash [on screen: Bush saying America doesn't seem to have any problems]. I think that might be our biggest problem." --Jon Stewart

"Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as 'job creator'. You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'" –Jon Stewart

"The Bush administration reads the poll numbers, they know most Americans think their policies are failing, so they've responded by changing the person who tells us those policies. It's quite a bold move. Every house cleaning starts by replacing the doormat." --Daily Show correspondent Ed Helms

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

uncovering the mystery of Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s balls (I’m gonna try putting in more quarters)

September 2021

“[Imitating SpaceX passenger] Houston, we have a problem, but I have no idea what the problem is, since I own a chain of laundromats. I have already cleaned the lint trap. I’m gonna try putting in more quarters.” —Stephen Colbert

“But you have to love humans — we just launched four civilians into orbit on a recreational spaceflight. We’re still more interested in uncovering the mystery of Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s balls.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Nicki Minaj ignited a firestorm online when she tweeted on Monday that she wasn’t vaccinated because her cousin’s friend in Trinidad developed swollen testicles from a Covid vaccine. I know a lot has been said about this tweet, but here’s my question: more than 5.81 million doses have been administered worldwide – if it gives you big balls, how come this is the first we’re hearing about it? No one is shy about their big balls – it literally means you’re not shy! If the vaccine gave you huge balls, CVS would be jammed with college kids getting their eighth and ninth booster shots.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is anyone here someone’s cousin’s friend? (Will You Free My Palestine)

September 2021

“The Nicki Minaj tweet ignited a firestorm online, in which she claimed she wasn’t vaccinated because her cousin’s friend in Trinidad developed swollen testicles from a Covid vaccine. Of course, your cousin’s friend is a much more trusted source than all of the world’s doctors. That’s why in an emergency you always hear a man yelling, ‘Is anyone here someone’s cousin’s friend?’” —Stephen Colbert

“Outrage over Minaj’s claims and vaccine skepticism prompted Trinidad and Tobago’s minister of health to respond in a press conference: ‘There is absolutely no reported such side-effect of … testicular swelling in Trinidad, nor that we know of anywhere else in the world.’ Wait a second, sir, are you calling Nicki Minaj a liar? Because to do that takes some … wait a second.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”