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Showing posts with label NYPD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NYPD. Show all posts

Sunday, December 8, 2024

it actually widens the search (I hate this game)


The manhunt continues for the assassin who gunned down the CEO of United Healthcare on Wednesday. And it really says something about America that a guy was murdered in cold blood. And the two main reactions were. Yeah, well, health care stinks. And also, girl, that shooter hot. —Colin Jost


It's also so crazy that the shooting happened three blocks from here in broad daylight, and the guy just bicycled away. Probably because they have every cop in the city guarding our Christmas tree. —Colin Jost


The NYPD now believes the suspect left the city on a bus from Port Authority. Thanks, but a Port Authority passenger who looks like a murderer actually widens the search. —Colin Jost


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Monday, November 6, 2023

Also today, Bill Clinton backed Barack Obama (one of his best friends owns San Francisco)


"Earlier today Hillary Clinton promised that her husband wouldn't be involved in any sex scandals if she were elected president. Also today, Bill Clinton backed Barack Obama." --Craig Ferguson


"Mitt Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco." –Craig Ferguson


"Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people." –Craig Ferguson


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Monday, May 22, 2023

Or as I can now publicly call myself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jr. (crimes against the human colon)


"I'm Conan O'Brien, or as I can now publicly call myself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jr." –Conan O'Brien


The NYPD is investigating allegations of sexual misconduct against celebrity chef Mario Batali. They’re also investigating Guy Fieri for crimes against the human colon. --Conan O’Brien


"Chris Christie is getting a lot of support from New Jersey's Hispanic community. Some Hispanics like his moderate conservatism while others believe if you hit him he'll break open and spill out candy." –Conan O'Brien


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Tuesday, April 4, 2023

Do you know how many cigarettes that’ll get you in prison? (taste-testing the toilet wine and make sure it ain’t poisoned)


April 2023

“Donald Trump has already raised $5 million since the indictment dropped. Do you know how many cigarettes that’ll get you in prison?” —Roy Wood, Jr.

“You know Trump gotta be mad. He paid all that hush money, did nobody hush. But no affair has been less hushed than this one. Everybody knows about this damn affair. There’s uncontacted tribes in the Amazon who know that Trump boned Stormy Daniels. Trump’s arraignment on Tuesday in Manhattan, which would include fingerprinting and a DNA sample, with the Secret Service in attendance. That’s right, Trump’s gotta provide a DNA sample. Which if you think about it, it’s kinda how he got in this mess in the first place. The upside with Trump’s DNA is now the NYPD can probably solve a bunch of cold cases from the 80s.” —Roy Wood, Jr.

“Why are they arraigning him like he’s a normal person?Trump ain’t a normal person. Normal people don’t bring the Secret Service to get arrested. I feel sorry for the Secret Service agents, because you get assigned to a former president, and you’re supposed to be going to baseball games, windsurfing. You get assigned to Trump, you’ve gotta go to Rikers! You’ve gotta take a shank for this man, you’ve gotta taste-test the toilet wine and make sure it ain’t poisoned.” —Roy Wood, Jr.

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Sunday, April 2, 2023

this makes two attempts by Trump to hide his secret Fs (shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, and Alabama)


It was a critical Super Tuesday for the Republican Party. Donald Trump won seven states. Of course, the seven states that Donald Trump won were shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, and Alabama. –James Corden


Trump had his high school grades sealed. So including the hush money payment to a porn star, this makes two attempts by Trump to hide his secret Fs. --James Corden


New tax filings show that President Donald Trump’s former bodyguard has been receiving $15,000 a month from the Republican National Committee since leaving the White House. You realize what that means, right? Trump was sleeping with his bodyguard, too! The bodyguard has a lot of experience in his field. He served in the U.S. Navy and the New York City police department, so according to Trump, he has almost enough weapons training to work as a school teacher. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thursday, April 14, 2022

he has almost enough weapons training to work as a school teacher (she's just not that into you)


Trump’s bodyguard has a lot of experience in his field. He served in the U.S. Navy and the New York City police department, so according to Trump, he has almost enough weapons training to work as a school teacher. --James Corden

This is just like a romantic comedy. The man was like, “I'm just a hijacker, standing in front of his hostages, asking them to deliver this letter to my ex.” This guy was really feeling bad about his breakup. Cops knew he wasn't your average terrorist when a list of his demands included sweat pants, ice cream, and an Adele CD. I feel sorry for this guy. I feel like I want to give him some advice and say to him, “If you have to hijack a plane, she's just not that into you.” –James Corden

Yesterday on Fox & Friends, host Peter Hegseth made a rather unusual admission on air. Hegseth, “I don’t think I have washed my hands in ten years. Germs are not a real thing. I can’t see them, therefore they are not real.” He hasn’t washed his hands in ten years? Now this is ironic, because every time I watch Fox News I need to take a shower. It’s a pretty shocking revelation but that does explain why the show Fox & Friends will be changing its name to Smallpox & Friends. --James Corden

Chris Christie was the focus of a shaming campaign after a fan at a basketball game photographed him seemingly pouring a bag of M&Ms into a box of M&Ms. I guarantee you Chris Christie did not know the score of that basketball game. Are we really shocked Chris Christie is eating M&Ms? The man endorsed Trump. He sucks at making healthy decisions. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

That bird is now the Republican frontrunner in 2024 (pelicans guano-bombing Ike)


April 2022

It’s been a tough week for Joe Biden, from the highest inflation rates since 1981 to a speech in Iowa in which a bird appeared to poop on his lapel. Look, folks, this is the kind of story late night was made for. Steve Allen started the Tonight Show in the 1950s to talk about a pelican guano-bombing Ike. So covering this recent incident is the Late Show’s duty.” —Stephen Colbert

“That bird is now the Republican frontrunner in 2024. It’s already picked its #2.” —Stephen Colbert

“However, a reporter on the scene and the White House communications team clarified that the alleged bird poop was actually corn powder dripping from the ceiling of an active factory. Fine, fact check grudgingly accepted. It wasn’t bird poop. It was just a gentle rain of industrial corn dookie.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Thursday, October 21, 2021

Who are the Karens going to call when they feel scared? (some cops don’t even know how to turn on a body camera)


October 2021

“There has been resistance from some city employees, especially firefighters and police officers, to vaccine mandates. New York City’s mandate, for example, includes over 160,000 workers without an option for frequent testing. But two weeks out from the November 1st deadline, the vaccination rate for the NYPD is 71%, and roughly 60% for the fire department. Maybe they just don’t know how to get vaccinated – I mean, I know it seems easy, but some cops don’t even know how to turn on a body camera.” —Trevor Noah

“But this is still a little concerning. Because any police who don’t get vaccinated can’t go to work, and if there’s a shortage of police, well that could cause some big problems. I mean, protesters can’t kick the shit out of themselves. Plus, who are the Karens going to call when they feel scared?” —Trevor Noah

“I’ve gotta say, out of all the occupations who resist getting vaccinated, cops and firefighters are the last people who I’d expect to see this from. These are the same people who sign up to swarm hostage situations or run into burning buildings. But when it comes to the vaccine, suddenly they’re like, ‘I don’t know, seems like a health risk.’ But there is literally nothing more dangerous to police officers right now than Covid-19. The virus is the current leading cause of death for law enforcement, having killed five times more police than guns since the start of the pandemic. So it turns out that if you do believe that blue lives matter, one of the best ways to show your support is by getting the vaccine.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Friday, July 10, 2020

No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il (Well, I wasn’t going to marry him)


August 2011

"Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is." –Conan O'Brien

"Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il." –Conan O'Brien
 
"The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook." –Conan O'Brien

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Who let them have Google?! (Why would anyone need five iPhone cables?)


Sarah Huckabee Sanders was fact-checked by Fox News during a live interview. Sarah was shocked and showed off her “Oh, sh*t face!” She cannot believe she is being fact-checked by someone on Fox News. As soon as that interviewed ended, she stormed off the set and screamed, "Who let them have Google?!" --Seth Meyers

The government shutdown has entered its third week, and I can't say I'm surprised. Shutdowns are a pattern with him. If Trump had a casino, it shut down. He's in charge of the government, it shut down. He married Melania, she shut down! --Seth Meyers

According to Reuters, Google moved $22.7 billion to Bermuda in 2017 through a Dutch shell company to avoid taxes. While over at Bing, you're no longer allowed to flush if it's just pee. --Seth Meyers

The NYPD is looking for a man who recently broke into an Apple store and stole $75,000 worth of products. That is crazy. Why would anyone need five iPhone cables? --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Number 1 (crimes against the human colon)


Actor Hugh Grant is marrying the mother of his three children. This news comes as a shock to the mother of his four children. --Conan O’Brien
The NYPD is investigating allegations of sexual misconduct against celebrity chef Mario Batali. They’re also investigating Guy Fieri for crimes against the human colon. --Conan O’Brien
A man was arrested for urinating on a seat during a Frontier Airlines flight. It’s the first time anyone has ever associated Frontier Airlines with number one. --Conan O’Brien
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


Friday, February 24, 2017

JOKES: "I’m counting on it,” said one immigrant (a real snausage fest)



White House press secretary Sean Spicer yesterday denied that the administration’s order revoking LGBT protections sparked a disagreement between Attorney General Jeff Sessions and Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. Spicer also denied that he got his job after putting a quarter in a machine and whispering, “I wish I were big.” –Seth Meyers
The NYPD sent out a message today telling residents that despite President Trump’s executive order, New York City will remain a safe place for all immigrants. “I’m counting on it,” [shows photo of Melania Trump] said one immigrant. –Seth Meyers
Today was International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day. There’s a party later tonight, but I heard it’s going to be a real snausage fest. –Seth Meyers



Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Or the short form. No judgment.



The NYPD has announced they'll no longer arrest people for petty crimes like littering, public drinking, and urination. Which means one thing -- Times Square is back, baby! –Stephen Colbert
I'm a little concerned about the timing. Is it wise to lift restrictions on public drinking and urination the week before St. Patrick's Day? To all my viewers in New York, please seek high ground and start piling sand bags. –Stephen Colbert
But Donald, the issue is out there, and the people have the right to know the size of your "Executive Branch." So I'm calling on you to release the long form. Or the short form. No judgment. –Stephen Colbert