How do you send bribes — Venmo? (Free Julian)

June 2022

“Tuesday’s January 6th hearings presented evidence suggesting that Senator Ron Johnson sought to hand-deliver fake elector votes from Michigan and his home state of Wisconsin to then-Vice President Mike Pence. Johnson acknowledged receiving the package but claimed he had no idea where it came from or what it contained. It could have been anything in that envelope — he doesn’t care. Fake electors, angry bees, naked pictures of Mary Todd Lincoln. It don’t matter to Ron — he’s just a delivery boy.” —Stephen Colbert

“Now, most historians agree: Ron Johnson is the dumbest person ever to sit in the United States Senate. But even by that scale, this is still shocking. You know those announcements in the airport when they say, ‘Do not carry onto the flight a package for someone you don’t know’? I’ve always wondered who those announcements are for. Turns out, it’s Ron Johnson.” —Stephen Colbert

“During yesterday’s hearing on the Capitol attack, committee members showed texts that indicated Republican Senator Ron Johnson wanted to hand-deliver a list of fake electors for then-Vice President Mike Pence to introduce on January 6th. You sent that over text? How do you send bribes — Venmo?” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it only takes 24 hours for anyone to forget who Tim Kaine is (you might have a chance to ask God face to face)

January 2022

“I saw that because of a huge winter storm, a 50-mile stretch of I-95 in Virginia was shut down, and drivers were stranded on the Interstate for more than 24 hours. The only happy person was the cabdriver whose fare got up to $14 million.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Twenty-four hours in standstill traffic — I’m pretty sure there’s 50 miles of highway just covered in yellow snow.” —Jimmy Fallon

“In fact, Virginia Senator Tim Kaine was one of the commuters trapped on the Interstate, causing him to tweet this: ‘I started my normal 2 hour drive to DC at 1pm yesterday. 19 hours later, I’m still not near the Capitol.’ But his commute wasn’t done. It took him 27 hours to get to work. Twenty-seven hours! The stakes were high too because it only takes 24 hours for anyone to forget who Tim Kaine is.” —James Corden

“There have been over one million new cases of Covid reported in the US on Monday – a record high, though case reporting was delayed because of the holiday weekend. See, it’s not really that bad. It’s like when an exterminator says, ‘don’t worry, a thousand rats didn’t just move into your breakfast nook. It was just one rat, who gave birth over the weekend to a thousand rats.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Certain Republicans continue making idiotic comments about Covid, such as Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin, who told a radio show on Monday: ‘Why have we assumed that the body’s natural immune system isn’t the marvel that it really is? Why do we think that we can create something better than God in terms of – in terms of combating disease?’ OK, yes, I get it – God created our immune systems. He also created Ron Johnson, so he has been known to shank it. So he raises the question: does the Lord want you to have the vaccine? I don’t know, but take Ron Johnson’s advice, and you might have a chance to ask God face to face.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

I guess you don’t have to wear protection when you go **** yourself (Did someone say Open Bar?)

December 2021

“Given fears about transmissibility of the variant, which is still poorly understood, New York City mayor Bill de Blasio this week unveiled the nation’s first vaccine mandate for private companies, which will apply to 184,000 businesses. That’s the full range of New York businesses, from Famous Original Ray’s Pizza, to Original Ray’s Famous Pizza Ray. De Blasio also imposed proof of vaccination requirements for all kids between the ages of 5 and 11 entering restaurants, theaters and gyms. That’s great, we’ve got to make it safe for our 6-year-olds to hit the leg press.” —Stephen Colbert

“Still, the only thing spreading faster than Omicron is misinformation from conservatives. Georgia representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, tweeted over the weekend: ‘Every single year more than 600,000 people in the US die from cancer. The country has never once shut down. Not a single school has closed.’ Because cancer is not contagious, you nimrod. That’s like comparing apples and oranges to cancer.” —Stephen Colbert

“Marjorie Taylor Greene wasn’t the only GOP lawmaker to sow doubt over the legitimacy of a virus variant. On Fox News host Brian Kilmeade’s radio show last week, Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson said: ‘Fauci did the exact same thing with Aids. He overhyped it.’ Yes, Aids: the pandemic the federal government famously took too seriously. Well, if Aids was overhyped, Senator Johnson, then I guess you don’t have to wear protection when you go fuck yourself.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You can eat tomorrow kids or maybe next week — whatever (The Two Party System for Dummies)

March 2021

“The new stimulus bill was being held up in the Senate this week after Senator Ron Johnson, Republican of Wisconsin, demanded clerks read all 628 pages out loud. That takes guts. Reminds me of the classic film ‘Mr. Smith Forces Senate Clerks to Go to Washington.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Perhaps it’s just Ron Johnson’s way of telling us he can’t read. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Senator. We’re sending LeVar Burton.’” —Stephen Colbert

“The 600-page bill will be read aloud in the Senate for 10 hours. This is the political equivalent of making someone come to your improv show.” —James Corden

“I’m going to wait until it’s adapted on Netflix. I’ll watch it then, you know?” —James Corden

“And to all the hungry kids out there, be patient. Ron Johnson is making a symbolic point. You can eat tomorrow or maybe next week — whatever.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

To make it feel even longer, they hired Gilbert Gottfried to do the reading (the most hated senator in Congress)

March 2021

“The new stimulus bill was being held up in the Senate this week after Senator Ron Johnson, Republican of Wisconsin, demanded clerks read all 628 pages out loud. Yeah, this means for 10 hours, Ted Cruz wasn’t the most hated senator in Congress.” —Jimmy Fallon

“To make it feel even longer, Johnson hired Gilbert Gottfried to do the reading.” —Jimmy Fallon

“You really think that’s going to be a deterrent? We’ve all been in quarantine for a year. I’ve done things that are a lot less exciting than listening to a bill get read aloud for 10 hours.” —Seth Meyers

“The only thing built up more than this bill is Oprah’s interview with Meghan Markle.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”