But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport (How a Third Party vote counts)

​​We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn't go to church much because he was like, "I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money." –Jimmy Fallon

"Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport." –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday in Iowa, Sarah Palin gave a 20-minute speech to endorse Donald Trump for president, while Trump stood off to the side. Palin described Trump as a great leader, while Trump described being quiet for 20 minutes as the most painful experience of his life. –Jimmy Fallon

Trump is willing to talk to Robert Mueller under oath. That will get off to a weird start when Trump is told “Raise your right hand” and he goes, “My right or your right?” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought you meant we were going to be invaded by cat people (you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late)

Americans spent $5.4 billion on legal marijuana last year, which is more than they spent on Doritos, Cheetos, and Funyuns combined. Stoners would respond, but they were busy thinking about Doritos, Cheetos, and Funyuns combined. –Jimmy Fallon

The Iowa caucuses are coming up and yesterday, Lindsey Graham criticized Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and said choosing between them is like having to choose between being shot or poisoned. Graham said supporting Jeb Bush is like choosing to be slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow. –Jimmy Fallon

"Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he'd finally gotten out of Iran." –Jimmy Fallon

But Trump’s lawyer allegedly told him that if he fired Robert Mueller, it would have a catastrophic effect on his presidency. Then after a long pause, the lawyer said, “That means ‘bad,’ Mr. President.” [imitates Trump] “Oh, I’m sorry – I thought you meant we were going to be invaded by cat people.” --Jimmy Fallon

"Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I've heard you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All our buds, hit us up before the free weed's all ganja. Dank you. (slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow)

But Trump’s lawyer allegedly told him that if he fired Robert Mueller, it would have a catastrophic effect on his presidency. Then after a long pause, the lawyer said, “That means ‘bad,’ Mr. President.” [imitates Trump] “Oh, I’m sorry – I thought you meant we were going to be invaded by cat people.” --Jimmy Fallon

But it's true -- a marijuana company is giving free weed to federal workers during the shutdown. Some people are questioning if free weed is really what these workers need. But a spokesman for the company released a statement, saying, quote, "We stand with all workers affected by the government shutdown." Then he added, "To be blunt, this is a sticky icky, icky situation that will only end with a joint resolution." He went on. He said, "We hope the pay freeze isn't chronic. It's not like these workers have cushy jobs. And we hope it ends for next Sunday's next big bowl." And finally he said, "All our buds, hit us up before the free weed's all ganja. Dank you." What a nice guy. --Jimmy Fallon

The Iowa caucuses are coming up and yesterday, Lindsey Graham criticized Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and said choosing between them is like having to choose between being shot or poisoned. Graham said supporting Jeb Bush is like choosing to be slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money (the most painful experience of his life)

​​We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn't go to church much because he was like, "I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money." –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday in Iowa, Sarah Palin gave a 20-minute speech to endorse Donald Trump for president, while Trump stood off to the side. Palin described Trump as a great leader, while Trump described being quiet for 20 minutes as the most painful experience of his life. –Jimmy Fallon

Trump is willing to talk to Robert Mueller under oath. That will get off to a weird start when Trump is told “Raise your right hand” and he goes, “My right or your right?” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry 

 

It’s like the musical chairs meets debate class meets a slow gas leak (downloading it onto their garage door openers)

“The Iowa caucus results? What do you expect? I mean, the average age of the party leadership is like 85 years old, all right? What do they know about apps? The only thing they know about apps is can you get one free with the early bird special, that’s it.” —Trevor Noah

“The trouble is, most elderly volunteers had a hard time downloading it onto their garage door openers.” —Stephen Colbert

“It was being called the Super Bowl of politics, but it ended up being called the Fyre Festival. I was waiting to see Ja Rule on CNN.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And hey, what kind of weirdo antiquated system are the caucuses anyway? It’s like the musical chairs meets debate class meets a slow gas leak.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

We told them the wealth would "trickle down" (that should pretty much make up for everything)

"The schedule for next year's Iowa caucuses has been announced. And Jewish voters are upset because the caucus is being held on Saturday, which means they can't attend. This could reduce the number of voters in the Iowa caucus by almost two." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier this week -- this is weird, I just found out about this -- Shaquille O'Neal stopped by the White House unannounced to see President Obama, but a Secret Service agent turned him away. That really happened. The agent told Shaq to make an appointment and to someday make a free throw." --Conan O'Brien

"Interesting announcement just came out. Next month, a 95-year-old Crow Indian chief will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. When asked about it, the chief said, 'Great, that should pretty much make up for everything.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I mean, nothing!

Hillary is facing criticism for declaring victory in Iowa prematurely. The final results weren't actually announced till around 1 p.m. on Tuesday, but she declared victory back in April of last year. –Jimmy Fallon

After receiving less than 1 percent support in the Iowa caucuses, Martin O'Malley suspended his presidential campaign. In a related story, the New York Jets have announced that they've decided to not play in the Super Bowl this weekend. –Jimmy Fallon

On the Republican side, Ted Cruz made history by becoming the first Hispanic to win the Iowa caucus. Then Cruz said, "And the first Canadian! — I mean, nothing!" –Jimmy Fallon

This Sunday is Super Bowl 50, between the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers. Of course it'll be weird when they do the coin toss before the big game, and the winner is still somehow Hillary Clinton. –Jimmy Fallon

Just how much does it cost to move to Canada?

Ted Cruz's victory last night raises a lot of questions, like one: "Can he keep this momentum going into New Hampshire?" And two: "Just how much does it cost to move to Canada?" –James Corden

People have unearthed a tweet from 2013 where Donald Trump tweeted: "Nobody remembers who came in second." Famously said by Walter Hagen. And if anyone can tell you who won't be remembered, it's Walter Hagen. Donald Trump really has egg on his face now which pairs nicely with the hash browns on the top of his head. –James Corden

Last night was caucus night in Iowa and Ted Cruz was the winner on the Republican side with 28 percent of the vote. Donald Trump came in second with 24 percent, and Marco Rubio is right behind him with 23 percent. Third is pretty good considering the fact that most Iowa voters think that Marco Rubio is a game you play in the swimming pool. –Jimmy Kimmel

I’m the Least Worst

After his disappointing showing among Evangelicals, Mike Huckabee dropped out of the race. Huckabee said, "On the bright side, now I can stop going to church." –Conan O’Brien

A member of Marco Rubio’s inner circle said his boss benefitted from the Trump-Cruz fight because, "Marco is everyone’s second choice." That explains Rubio’s new campaign slogan, "I’m the Least Worst." –Conan O’Brien

In last night's Iowa caucus, Ted Cruz won first place and gave a 32-minute speech. To be fair, 31 of those minutes were just people shouting "Really? Him?! This guy? We're going with this guy? We're kidding! I did it as a joke!" –James Corden

Sure, let me check my server (D is for Diabetes)

The Bernie Sanders campaign is demanding proof that Hillary Clinton beat him in yesterday’s Iowa caucus. Today Hillary said, "Sure, let me check my server." –Conan O’Brien

McDonald’s now has a special kind of Happy Meal that comes with a book instead of a toy. The book is called, "D is for Diabetes." –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump lost the Iowa Caucus. Trump blamed the media, bad weather, and Iowa’s three Muslims. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I’ve Got Pizza!

Today is the Iowa Caucus and tomorrow is Groundhog Day. That’s the day the groundhog peeks out of the hole, sees Trump has won Iowa, and burrows to Canada. –Conan O’Brien

Today is the first day of Black History Month. And when you think about it - what better way to celebrate Black History Month than with a caucus in Iowa. –Conan O’Brien

Analysts say that for Bernie Sanders to win he needs college students to show up at the polls. Which explains Sanders' new campaign slogan: "I’ve Got Pizza!" –Conan O’Brien

zoo animals

We give so much attention to who Iowa picks. Since 1980 the Iowa Caucus has predicted the Republican nominee incorrectly four times. They only got it right twice. You get better odds when you have a zoo animal predict the winner of the Super Bowl than these Iowa caucuses. –Jimmy Kimmel

On CNN last night they had what they call a town hall meeting where the Democratic candidates try to woo the Iowa voters. The only clear winner of this debate-slash-meeting was the farmer who got $30,000 to let CNN park the satellite trucks in his corn field. –Jimmy Kimmel

LPM (long penetration mode)

We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn't go to church much because he was like, "I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money." –Jimmy Fallon

Last night CNN hosted a Democratic forum where Hillary Clinton said that if she's elected she wants to work together with Republicans and even said she'd give them all bear hugs. By bear hugs she means like the ones you saw in "The Revenant." –Jimmy Fallon

A Canadian engineer designed a plane that can fly passengers from New York to London in 11 minutes using a new technology called LPM or long penetration mode. I'm not sure which airline will buy the plane, but I think we can rule out Virgin. –Jimmy Fallon

Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him

"Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, 'When I'm president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will be me." –Conan O'Brien 



"I read that Facebook is hosting a Republican debate on Sunday. Candidates will be seated based on their poll numbers, with Romney in the middle, Gingrich on the side, and Rick Perry down the street at the MySpace debate." –Jimmy Fallon


“Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.” –David Letterman 

John Hulse photography