you can buy a three ounce tube at the airport for $162 (border patrol)

"I'm really looking forward to hearing from George Allen, Republican Senator from Virginia. At a debate last Monday, the senator skirted a question about rumors his mother was Jewish. A day later, he released a statement announcing that the rumors were true, and that he's known about his Jewish heritage for about a month. The guy knew for a month? He didn't say bupkis. Senator Allen, your newfound heritage comes with a heavy responsibility -- making the Republican Party look diverse. Let's face it, the only other famous Republican Jew I can think of is Joe Lieberman. You wasted a whole month, senator, when the big tent could have looked a little bigger. Hey, if Ken Mehlman found out he was black tomorrow, you would know about it." --Stephen Colbert

"The Transportation Security Administration has partially lifted the ban on carry-on liquids for air flights. You can bring liquids on the plane, as long as they are purchased from secure airport stores. What a relief, huh? See now instead of bringing your own hair gel, you can buy a three ounce tube at the airport for $162." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. World News & Report cover story this week is about the fact in just a month the U.S. population will hit 300 million people. The Census Bureau says it will happen October 27th depending on whether they are caught by the border patrol." --Jay Leno