I don't think they need any help at making things go soft (she'll only train the dogs to...)

Rosie O'Donnell said ABC is going to cancel The View, but first it's going to soften it up. Although, I don't think they need any help at making things go soft. —Greg Gutfeld

Nancy Pelosi claims she's working for gender affirming care for trans kids. While many say there's no such thing as trans kids, Pelosi said, "Yeah, well, you said there's no such thing as vampires, and I feast on blood.” —Greg Gutfeld

Ghislaine Maxwell will not be permitted to train service dogs at her new prison. Officials fear she'll only train the dogs to fetch teenagers. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's on the reduced for quick sale table next to dented cans of green beans (and Tony Soprano demands you call him Tina)

Lawrence O’Donnell of MSNBC said that he needed a break after covering the first 52 days of Donald Trump’s presidency. It’s kind of amazing though that an anchor would admit on TV that he's taking a break from doing his job. Especially since MSNBC's lost so much value it's on the reduced for quick sale table next to dented cans of green beans. But maybe it's because Larry's finally sweating. He went from lying about a dead president to lying about a real one. But when asked to tell the truth the Legacy Media reacts like a vampire getting a holy water enema. —Greg Gutfeld

The left is like the mafia except the food sucks and Tony Soprano demands you call him Tina. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He sounded like a sugared-up kid on Halloween who won’t take out his plastic vampire teeth (Honey, tell me what's wrong)

 According to factcheckers, Donald Trump made at least 20 false claims during his interview with Elon Musk, starting with: ‘it’s great to be here.’ —Seth Meyers

“Also, what was going on with Trump's voice? He sounded like a sugared-up kid on Halloween who won’t take out his plastic vampire teeth.” —Seth Meyers

“Due to technical difficulties with the live stream, the interview between Elon Musk and Donald Trump began nearly 40 minutes late. It’s nice to know the guy who builds self-driving cars and spaceships hasn’t quite figured out how to broadcast a phone call.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which meant that Saturday was Frozen Peas Day (selfie sticks)

Vice president-elect Mike Pence was seen today using a selfie stick while posing with a group of House Republicans. Of course, right after using the selfie stick, Pence had to go to confession. –Seth Meyers

It keeps happening. Trump makes up something insane about another country and then the president of that country has to come out and say it's not true. We're like a week away from the president of Romania calling a press conference to say, "I did not tell President Trump that vampires are real." --Seth Meyers

Friday was “World Vasectomy Day.” Which meant that Saturday was Frozen Peas Day. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm putting away the Christmas tree you idiot (something besides the door of a Boeing airplane plummeting to the ground)

“Next Monday, a solar eclipse will totally block out the sun over parts of America, and we’re all looking forward to having one brief moment when you can look up into the sky and see something besides the door of a Boeing airplane plummeting to the ground.” — Desi Lydic, The Daily Show

“But it’s not just a moment for humans. An eclipse offers a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Rudy Giuliani to come out and feed during the day.” — Desi Lydic, The Daily Show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses (Dracula's hot tub)

"Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses." –Craig Ferguson

"I'm sorry the show is on later than usual. It was delayed by the president's speech about the gulf oil spill. President Obama has been criticized for not doing enough. To be fair, he's been using every strategy in the book. Unfortunately, it's the same book President Bush used for Katrina." –Craig Ferguson

"Rumors are that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are going to film a reality show. Sarah Palin says she can't wait to start shooting, but that's totally unrelated." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sorry, but you can’t complain about a neck bite after you open the door and invite in a vampire (He’d never side against one of his own)

December 2022

“We are celebrating Raphael Warnock’s victory over Herschel Walker in the Georgia runoff election on Tuesday, which secured a clear majority in the US Senate for Democrats. Walker, a former football star backed by Donald Trump, was so deeply unqualified that much of the time it seemed like he didn’t even know what was going on. Walker’s loss – the latest disappointment for a slate of Trump-backed candidates – was greeted with light condemnation from Republican pundits. On Fox News, Laura Ingraham and Kellyanne Conway blamed Walker’s loss on the fact that ‘a lot of people’ at the ‘top of the Republican party’ told voters not to vote early or by mail for the past few elections. It’s so amazing to watch these people suddenly start complaining about the consequences of their own actions. You were Trump’s fiercest supporters when he was claiming mail-in voting led to fraud, and now you’re whining that the Republicans don’t vote by mail? Sorry, but you can’t complain about a neck bite after you open the door and invite in a vampire.” —Seth Meyers

“Laura Ingraham, with the energy of a country club patron who’s been made aware they’ve changed chefs, also blamed Senate Republicans for not campaigning enthusiastically enough for Walker. You’re mad that Senate Republicans didn’t want Walker to join them? You think they wanted to spend all their down time between votes talking about whether vampires are cooler than werewolves. You think that’s Mitch McConnell’s idea of a good time? Besides, you know he’s going to pick vampires. He’d never side against one of his own.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I did not tell President Trump that vampires are real (Hey, this is MUCH better!)

It keeps happening. Donald Trump makes up something insane about another country and then the president of that country has to come out and say it's not true. We're like a week away from the president of Romania calling a press conference to say, "I did not tell President Trump that vampires are real." --Seth Meyers

President Trump pardoned a turkey at the White House today, where he said, "I'm pleased to report that, unlike millions of other turkeys at this time of the year, Drumstick has a very, very bright future ahead of him." Though I bet the turkey would feel more confident about that if they would stop calling him Drumstick. –Seth Meyers

Governor Chris Christie said in an interview yesterday that New Jersey would not accept Syrian refugees. Which is too bad, because Syrian refugees would be the first people ever to arrive in New Jersey and say, “Hey, this is MUCH better!” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People Who Have Been Hit in the Head a Lot (completely different attitudes toward Latino immigrants)

Tonight was the World Series and the Republican debate. In other words, two events with completely different attitudes toward Latino immigrants. –Conan O’Brien

"This is interesting. One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called 'Barackula.' Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called 'Dick Cheney.'" –Conan O'Brien

On Monday, former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson endorsed Donald Trump. Tyson joins Trump’s biggest group of supporters: "People Who Have Been Hit in the Head a Lot." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire b*st*rds making money off human pain.' (Get a room)

Bill Maher on gun nuts who want to open carry everywhere: "Guns aren't just a tool of last resort. They're awesome. That's why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys aren't just firearm enthusiasts — you're ammosexuals. And before you try and deny you have some sort of unnatural romantic relationship with your gun, consider this. You're taking it out to dinner! Because it completes you. Get a room."

"If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire b*st*rds making money off human pain.'" --Bill Maher

"Down in Texas Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said looked around and he said 'I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.' I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you order now, I’ll throw in that chair Abraham Lincoln is sitting on (U Up?)

June 2022

“The January 6th hearings continued on Tuesday, where reports of former President Trump’s attempt to flip the outcome of the election with state officials took center stage. One of the people Trump depended on most in the pressure campaign was Rudy Giuliani, his personal lawyer and final boss in a Resident Evil game. Unfortunately, it seemed like no one wanted to take Rudy’s calls. Yeah, Rudy made so many unanswered calls, the iPhone started labeling him as spam.” —Trevor Noah

“Can we acknowledge what a fall this has been, huh? This man went from being an American hero to now sounding like a telemarketer selling a coup: [imitating Giuliani] ‘If you order now, I’ll throw in that chair Abraham Lincoln is sitting on.’” —Trevor Noah

“And you know, this is another example of how historic President Trump really was. Any other time in U.S. history, if the president’s lawyer called someone, they would take that call. But when Trump’s vampire lawyer called people, everyone was, like, ‘Tell him I’m not here! Yeah, tell him I went camping and died!’” —Trevor Noah

“Also, not that I’m encouraging it, because I’m not, but if you are going to try to overturn an election, maybe don’t leave voice mails? It’s a paper trail. Also it’s 2022 — text! Who leaves voice mails? You realize how thirsty you’re coming off? ‘Hey, it’s me again.’ Come on, Rudy, just hit ’em with a quick late-night ‘U Up? For subverting democracy? Eggplant emoji, red hat emoji, vampire emoji.’ Come on, Rudy, keep up with the times!” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Drunk vampire, what do you think? (Parable of the Talents)

June 2022

“During the House committee hearing Monday on the January 6th assault on the Capitol, Jason Miller, former aide to Donald Trump, told the panel that Rudy Giuliani was “definitely intoxicated” on election night when he told the former president that the election had been stolen. You know, when you think about it, it makes sense that Trump would listen to a drunk person, because that’s the one time people probably sound like him.” —Trevor Noah

“So we’re just going to blame this entire thing on the alcohol?” —James Corden

“I can’t believe this. A drunk Rudy Giuliani told Trump to claim he won the election. And then he said, ‘I love you, man’ six times and dropped his phone in the toilet.” —James Corden

“They were all telling him, ‘You lost this election, sir,’ but Trump was like: ‘Yeah, yeah, whatever. Drunk vampire, what do you think?’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Messages from vampires holding press conferences next to a dildo store (His own prostate doesn’t respond that fast)

August 2021

“Rudy Giuliani has joined Cameo, a service that allows fans to pay celebrities to send them video messages. I mean, this guy — this guy, who is a personal lawyer to the president of the United States, and now, he’s basically panhandling in the same place you can get a ‘Happy bat mitzvah’ message from Jamie Farr.” —Seth Meyers

“This may be the saddest part: It says he responds within 10 hours. His own prostate doesn’t respond that fast.” —Sarah Silverman

“That’s right, for the price of parking at Disneyland, you can get a message from the vampire who held a press conference next to a dildo store.” —Sarah Silverman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I was surprised to learn Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire hunter (he's behaving like your common congressman)

November 2012

"'Skyfall,' the number one movie at the box office this week, made over $100 million. It's the biggest opening ever for a James Bond film. There's not a lot of sex in the movie – it's very downplayed. See, James Bond is just a secret agent. It's not like he's head of the CIA." –Jay Leno

"People are disappointed. A four-star general, highly decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA – and yet he's behaving like your common congressman." –Jay Leno

"The movie 'Lincoln' opened over the weekend. It's getting unbelievable reviews. It's so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself." –Jay Leno 

"I was surprised to learn Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire hunter." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table (the document that freed the vampires)

June 2012

"Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table." –Jay Leno

"While talking about the economy, Joe Biden said it's a depression for millions of Americans. He used the word 'depression' to describe the economy. I don't know if Mitt Romney has picked a running mate yet, but Joe Biden sounds like he'd be perfect." –Jay Leno

"A rare copy of Abraham Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation sold for $2.1 million at an auction house in New York City. As you know, the Emancipation Proclamation is the document that freed the vampires." –Jay Leno

"Analysts, according to The Wall Street Journal, say the weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically the worse the economy is, the lower the price of oil. Do you know what that means? If Obama gets re-elected, gas could be free." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top Ten Things You May Not Know About The United States Supreme Court (Fridays are "robe optional")

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things You May Not Know About The United States Supreme Court"

10. For summer promotional campaign, it's been renamed the Taco Bell Big Beef Supreme Court
9. Public courtroom seating has a two-drink minimum
8. Under rare circumstances, decision is handed down based on applause
7. Court mascot "Supreme Kurt" is available for parties and corporate events
6. Prior to oral arguments, the justices spend 15 minutes discussing "Hot Topics"
5. Court basement features an indoor gavel range
4. Thanks to grass-roots Internet campaign, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will host "Saturday Night Live"
3. For the last two weeks, Chief Justice John Roberts has been out on jury duty
2. Fridays are "robe optional"
1. Antonin Scalia: Vampire Hunter

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I dare him to come to India and say that to my face (he is a lousy vampire hunter)

June 2012

"Obama called Romney a pioneer of outsourcing jobs. A spokesperson for Romney said, 'I dare him to come to India and say that to my face.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Political candidates have to be very inventive when it comes to fund-raising because there are federal laws. So Mitt Romney had a thing where if you would give him $50,000 you could spend the weekend with him. And for an extra $5,000 he will let you touch his hair." –David Letterman

"Republicans are now talking about President Obama, saying he's not much of a president. They're also saying he is a lousy vampire hunter." –David Letterman

"Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama would be affected too. Because if there's no more Hawaii, where would he pretend to be born?" –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don't You Dare Tell Me How To Freedom (he will also consider hunting vampires)

June 2012

"Last night on the premiere of a new reality show, Bristol Palin confronted a man in a bar and demanded to know why he hates her mother. In response, John McCain said 'Leave me alone, I'm having a drink.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Obama campaign unveils new ad to target Hispanics. It's basically the president saying, “Yo soy el hombre who killed Osama bin Laden." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney's picking up a head of steam. He's roaring and ready to go. He says if he's elected president he will also consider hunting vampires." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Can Revitalize His Campaign" (Party like a rock star, dude)

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Can Revitalize His Campaign"

10. Get a cool nickname, like Rick 'The Refrigerator' Perry 

9. Promise no immigration law will ever deport Sofia Vergara 

8. Vampire running mate 

7. A little mascara would bring out his gorgeous eyes 

6. Gain 400 pounds and become the governor of New Jersey 

5. Hold contest where one lucky winner gets to be executed by Perry 

4. Party like a rock star, dude 

3. Appear on the 'Late Show' — everyone knows the road to the White House goes through Dave 

2. Have one of them Nancy Grace 'wardrobe malfunctions' 

1. Figure out what the heck happened to the Red Sox

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just push Sean Hannity out of the way/treasonal allergies/It's a perfect story

In other news the president United States is going to be impeached
because he treats subpoenas like parking tickets. He is gone full stone
wall on this Ukrainian thing, refuses to turn over any documents, ordering
witnesses not to show up to testify. You know, as innocent people do.
--Bill Maher

Trump was using Rudy Giuliani to investigate Biden. That is the story that
will not go away. What a perfect story for Halloween season. A pumpkin,
using a vampire to attack a mummy. It's a perfect story. --Bill Maher

Trump held a rally in Minnesota last night. It was his longest rally ever.
It went on for an hour and forty minutes. It went so late his orange glow
went into night mode and he kept doing that nasal sniffing thing that he
does. That one is not his fault. He suffers from treasonal allergies.
--Bill Maher

Trump also said at the rally that Biden was only a good vice president
because he understood how to kiss Obama’s ass. And Mike Pence said,
“Good one, boss!” --Bill Maher

Mike Pence's wife Karen Pence was talking at a Women for Trump
rally and she said the words, “if you support President Trump, don't be
afraid to get down on your knees.” Just push Sean Hannity out of the
way. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”