Out of how many? (Florida man...)

At a meeting with nearly 1,000 evangelical leaders today, Donald Trump told the attendees that Hillary Clinton is not worthy of their prayers. Although I’m pretty sure Hillary’s prayers were already answered when Trump won the GOP nomination. –Seth Meyers

According to a new CBS poll, President Trump’s approval rating is just 36 percent. Said Trump, “Out of how many?” –Seth Meyers

Senate Republicans today released a draft of their bill to repeal and replace Obamacare, which would cut taxes for richer Americans and insurance companies, and defund Planned Parenthood for one year. The bill is so bad, President Trump said, "Does anyone have any questions for me about Russia?" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

OK Larry, drop your pants. We both know you were out of vacation days (Once you realize that, you can't go back)

And finally, the news from my homeland. A burglar in London recently attempted to sneak into a building through the backyard area and ended up disturbing the owner's beehive and the burglar was then chased away by a swarm of 80,000 angry bees. It sounds like this guy was the victim of a sting operation. --James Corden

There's an easier way to get four days off to watch basketball. You can just say you got a vasectomy, you don't actually have to do it! Your boss isn't going to ask you, “OK Larry, drop your pants. We both know you were out of vacation days." –James Corden

Sean Spicer said not only will Donald Trump donate his salary, he would love for White House reporters to determine “where it should go.” Unfortunately, where they suggested it should go is not a place that I can say on television. But seriously, how great would it be if the reporters all chose Planned Parenthood? –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But he did play football, that is true (That belongs to my boss)

December 2022

“The Trump Organization has been convicted on 17 counts of tax fraud and other financial crimes. And you know what that means – Donald Trump is going to prison! To visit all the lower-ranking people who did this without his knowledge or permission. Because we all know that’s how that works in the world, right? All the successes in the Trump Organization, they’re due to the genius of Donald Trump. All the crimes, he had no idea.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s the final campaign push of the Georgia run-off between Walker and Warnock. Usually during the final push, Walker is miles away from the hospital at a Waffle House telling a waitress she’s the one.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Even though he’s a beloved local football hero, Herschel Walker has not exactly inspired passion among Republican voters. You go down a list of what their party supposedly values most and it doesn’t seem to align. Family values? He’s a serial domestic abuser with more kids than a Dave & Buster’s on a Saturday at noon. Charity? He claimed his company gave 15% of their profits to charity; three of the four charities listed on his website said he gave nothing, the other said no comment. Pro-life? He was Planned Parenthood’s customer of year, I think. Pro-law enforcement? He lied about being a cop, an FBI agent, exaggerated his non-existent military service. Pro-Georgia? He himself mistakenly admitted he lives in Texas, not Georgia. But he did play football, that is true.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And also, they weren’t reporters. They were doctors (that explains why Scooby-Doo is now a rescue Pit bull)

October 2022

President Biden was heard criticizing reporters at the White House for shouting questions at him. Questions like, ‘What year is it?’ And ‘Whose the current president?’ And also, they weren’t reporters. They were doctors. —Colin Jost

Planned Parenthood is going to open up its first mobile clinic in the country and it is going to go anywhere in the country where Herschel Walker has visited. —Colin Jost

The Empire State Building lit up blue and white to celebrate Aaron Judge hitting his record 62nd home run of the season, while over in Queens, a port-a-potty was set on fire in honor of the Mets blowing the division. —Colin Jost

In a new Scooby-Doo Halloween special, the character Velma is openly depicted a s a lesbian, and that explains why Scooby-Doo is now a rescue Pit bull. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer (This is Gary Webb)

"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Conan O'Brien

"A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer." –Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

To which God replied, “No, no, no, I said he was ‘annoying.’ (his personality)

Vice President Mike Pence today cast a tie-breaking vote to eliminate a rule that blocks states from defunding Planned Parenthood, because Mike Pence only approves of one type of birth control — his personality. –Seth Meyers

President Trump today attacked Amazon for the second time this week, tweeting, “I am right about Amazon costing the United States Post Office massive amounts of money for being their Delivery Boy.” This is when I appreciate Twitter. It used to be, if you wanted to hear a 71-year-old man whining about the post office, you had to go to the post office. --Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders have scheduled a debate for next Thursday in Brooklyn. Which is about as close as Bernie Sanders can get to Wall Street without spontaneously combusting. –Seth Meyers

Conservative pundit Glenn Beck said Friday that Ted Cruz was “anointed” by God to become president. To which God replied, “No, no, no, I said he was ‘annoying.’” –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is my kind of Senator – socially liberal and fiscally conservative (or as Republicans call it)

February 2013

"Senator Bob Menendez was caught in a little scandal. Apparently he's been going down to Puerto Rico and getting underage prostitutes. He denies it. But he says the path to citizenship passes through his pants." –Bill Maher

"The Daily Caller website found two women in Puerto Rico, who claim that he promised them $500 for their services and only paid them $100. This is my kind of Senator – socially liberal and fiscally conservative." –Bill Maher

"In an interview last week, Obama said he loves to shoot skeet up at Camp David. Republicans said if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of it? Why have we not seen photos of it? Yes, because nothing would ease the Republican mind more than a photo of the black president with a gun." –Bill Maher

"This is the first day of Black History Month; or as Republicans call it, February." –Bill Maher

"Con men like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck are one reason the Republicans are in such dire straits today. Because they don't care about winning elections. They care about separating rubes from their money. They've discovered there's a fortune to be made by keeping a small portion of America under the illusion that they are always under attack. From Mexicans, or ACORN, or Planned Parenthood, or gays, or takers, global warming hoaxers; it doesn't matter. They don't want a majority. They want a mailing list, a list of the kind of gullible Honey Boo Boos out there who think that there's a War on Christmas, and that the socialist policies of our Kenyan President have been so disastrous that the end of the world is coming." –Bill Maher 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We'll worry about that when women get the vote (and f*** the French)

February 2012

“Rick Santorum made a speech and said, ‘If we follow the path of President Obama and his overt hostility to faith in America, then we are heading down the road to the guillotine.’ The guillotine, really? This is why he’s ahead. In one sentence, he hit on all the things they love at the Republican convention: logical fallacies, Obama paranoia, and f*ck the French.” –Bill Maher

"Contraception is back in the news, Planned Parenthood -- issues that have been real losers for Republicans in the past, especially with women. Makes Republicans lose their votes, makes them seem out of touch, but they say, 'We'll worry about that when women get the vote.'" –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum is against birth control, he’s against ordaining women as priests, he thinks two women kissing is immoral. See, this is the difference between me and Rick Santorum; neither one of us got a lot of dates in high school, but I just didn’t spend the rest of my life taking it out on women.” –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Are you better off than you were four wives ago? (the Costco of crazy)

"Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the Costco of crazy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?''" –Bill Maher

"Michele Bachmann said Planned Parenthood is the Lenscrafters of Big Abortion.' Which is a realy double-whammy because the conservatives hate Planned Parenthood and they hate Lenscrafters, because Lenscrafters makes glasses, and that could lead to reading." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That's not the Donald Trump I know (the Sunglass Hut of gay marriage)

"It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened." –Conan O'Brien 4/12/2011

"According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones." –Conan O’Brien 4/12/2011

"Michele Bachmann referred to Planned Parenthood as the LensCrafters of abortion. Then it got worse when she referred to Massachusetts as the Sunglass Hut of gay marriage." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. That seems a little high." –David Letterman 4/12/2011

"Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know." –David Letterman 4/12/2011

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

"Bummer!" said literally not one child (rawhide pantsuit)

Disneyworld's Hall of Presidents, which has been closed since January in order to add a new President Trump robot, has reportedly pushed its reopening to the fall. "Bummer!" said literally not one child. –Seth Meyers

In a recent interview, former Georgia congressional candidate John Ossoff said his near-victory for the Democrats last week shows that President Trump and chief strategist Steve Bannon "should be sweating in 2018." Um, have you seen those guys lately? They probably sweat getting out of bed. –Seth Meyers

"How about that presidential campaign? Hillary is down there campaigning in Texas. She is a little nervous, doing everything she can, pulling out all the stops in Texas today. She was campaigning in a rawhide pantsuit." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

President Trump said, “Does anyone have any questions for me about Russia?" (Bingo!)

Senate Republicans today released a draft of their bill to repeal and replace Obamacare, which would cut taxes for richer Americans and insurance companies, and defund Planned Parenthood for one year. The bill is so bad, President Trump said, “Does anyone have any questions for me about Russia?" –Seth Meyers

President Trump and the first lady hosted the congressional picnic today on the south lawn of the White House, or as Eric was told, “the north lawn.” –Seth Meyers

Following losses in two special congressional elections this week, one Democratic staffer reportedly said, “We have 80-year-old leaders and 90-year-old ranking members. This isn’t a party, it’s a giant assisted living center.” Even worse, the reporter then asked about the upcoming G7 summit, and several people yelled “Bingo!” –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

So pick up a pack today at Unplanned Parenthood (I'm Good)

President Trump yesterday called former FBI Director James Comey cowardly. Though, if Comey is the cowardly one, I’m pretty sure Trump is the one without a brain. –Seth Meyers

A birth control pill has been recalled due to a packaging error that puts placebo pills at the beginning of the pack rather than at the end. So pick up a pack today at Unplanned Parenthood. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

We just learned that Bin-Laden is alive and well (freedom cookies)

A Gallup poll has just been released that shows that Donald Trump’s approval rating has fallen to a historic first-year low of 35 percent. Or as Kellyanne Conway calls it, just one more example of Trump beating Obama. –James Corden

President Trump will meet with the president of China next week to discuss Trump’s claims about China’s unfair trade practices. Which means we’re about two weeks away from having to call these [fortune cookies] “freedom cookies.” –Seth Meyers

Vice President Mike Pence today cast a tie-breaking vote to eliminate a rule that blocks states from defunding Planned Parenthood, because Mike Pence only approves of one type of birth control — his personality. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: She should change her name from Kellyanne Conway to Kellyanne Kanye

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced yesterday that Donald Trump would be donating his presidential salary to a charity at the end of the year. Credit where credit is due — Trump is getting pretty creative in the ways he’s refusing to pay his taxes. –James Corden

Spicer said not only will Trump donate his salary, he would love for White House reporters to determine “where it should go.” Unfortunately, where they suggested it should go is not a place that I can say on television. But seriously, how great would it be if the reporters all chose Planned Parenthood? –James Corden

Trump’s adviser, Kellyanne Conway, gave a TV interview on Sunday and people noticed that she displays a photo of herself in her living room. This is true. Take a look at the photo just there. Wow, her microwave takes great pictures! Who has a framed picture of themselves, on their own, in their living room? She should change her name from Kellyanne Conway to Kellyanne Kanye. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Planned Parenthood will hand out pictures of Donald Trump as birth control

The Republicans want to defund Planned Parenthood. The Democrats want to stop Donald Trump from preventing access to birth control. They compromised, and now, Planned Parenthood will hand out pictures of Donald Trump as birth control. –Jimmy Fallon 

When he finished his speech, they dropped 125,000 balloons, poor Chris Christie spent all day blowing them up. –Jimmy Kimmel

The big drama last night came courtesy of Sen. Ted Cruz, who chose not to endorse Donald Trump, even though they let him give a speech. There were a lot of boos for Ted Cruz. How dare he? One of the reasons he didn't voice his support for Trump, he reportedly has plans to run for president again in 2020. Why not? It went so well this time. –Jimmy Kimmel

If he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property. –Conan O’Brien

Tonight is the first Republican debate over on Fox News. The moderator, Chris Wallace, said there's “so doggone many” candidates, and that he planned on asking them some “doozies.” He would've said more but he had to go back to the soda shop he works at in 1954. –Jimmy Fallon

Con men like Rush and Beck are one reason..

"Con men like Rush and Beck are one reason the Republicans are in such dire straits today. Because they don't care about winning elections. They care about separating rubes from their money. They've discovered there's a fortune to be made by keeping a small portion of America under the illusion that they are always under attack. From Mexicans, or ACORN, or Planned Parenthood, or gays, or takers, global warming hoaxers; it doesn't matter. They don't want a majority. They want a mailing list, a list of the kind of gullible Honey Boo Boos out there who think that there's a War on Christmas, and that the socialist policies of our Kenyan President have been so disastrous that the end of the world is coming." –Bill Maher 

They’re hard for a fat guy to put on in a car

"Contraception is back in the news, Planned Parenthood -- issues that have been real losers for Republicans in the past, especially with women. Makes Republicans lose their votes, makes them seem out of touch, but they say, 'We'll worry about that when women get the vote.'" –Bill Maher



“Rick Santorum is against birth control, he’s against ordaining women as priests, he thinks two women kissing is immoral. See, this is the difference between me and Rick Santorum; neither one of us got a lot of dates in high school, but I just didn’t spend the rest of my life taking it out on women.” –Bill Maher



“Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don’t need birth control, you are birth control.” –Bill Maher



“Santorum and Romney, they don’t like condoms because sex should all be about making babies. And Newt Gingrich doesn’t like them because they’re hard for a fat guy to put on in a car.” –Bill Maher 

He's half jack and half ass

"Michele Bachmann said Planned Parenthood is the Lenscrafters of Big Abortion.' Which is a realy double-whammy because the conservatives hate Planned Parenthood and they hate Lenscrafters, because Lenscrafters makes glasses, and that could lead to reading." –Bill Maher



"The budget deal will cut almost $40 billion out of the budget. This of course is very bad news for poor people, health programs for the poor were cut $600 million; the EPA was cut $1.6 billion. The good news: they cut all the money out of repairing federal buildings. So there was a slight chance a wall will collapse on Eric Cantor." –Bill Maher



"Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.'" –David Letterman