Well sure, when you give away free trips to Martha’s Vineyard (traded in for a younger model)

November 2022

In Florida, Ron DeSantis won the state by 20 points. He even won the Latino vote. Well sure, when you give away free trips to Martha’s Vineyard. —Bill Maher

Florida is going with DeSantis. At least now Trump knows how it feels to be traded in for a younger model. —Bill Maher

And do you know who Trump blamed for Dr. Oz’s loss in Pennsylvania? Melania. Trump said that, ‘It wasn’t her best decision.’ Melania fiddled with her wedding ring and said, ‘I’ve made worse.’ —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The toads issued a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business (Every little thing she does is magic)

November 2022

“Last night was not nearly as bad for Democrats as many thought it would be, starting with John Fetterman’s victory over Mehmet Oz in the closely watched Pennsylvania Senate race. Wow, I can’t believe a candidate with no government experience who lives in New Jersey and reportedly killed over 300 dogs lost a race for Senate in Pennsylvania.” —Seth Meyers

“Bitcoin stocks keep crashing. Right now Bitcoin is worth about as much as a Dr. Oz yard sign.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The National Park Service is asking visitors to please stop licking the hallucinogenic toads. The toads issued a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Runoff is also what Herschel does when one of his kids shows up with a DNA kit (they’re no longer sleeping in separate beds)

November 2022

“Democrats were riding high today, even though they probably lost the House and could still lose the Senate. It’s like, ‘Great news! We didn’t get beaten as badly as everyone expected us to!’ Tuesday’s results were less of a red wave and more of a purple-nurple. America twisted Donald Trump’s chubby little nipples into a balloon animal last night.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In Georgia, Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock are headed to a runoff election in December, which could decide control of the Senate. Runoff is also what Herschel does when one of his kids shows up with a DNA kit.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Turning to Pennsylvania, where John Fetterman defeated Dr. Oz, a celebrity tapped by Donald Trump. The former president is reportedly livid about Oz’s loss, screaming when the numbers came in, according to the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman. They say the last time Trump was this disappointed was when Eric was born. Haberman reported that Trump was also furious with anyone who supported Oz, including his wife Melania, calling it ‘not her best decision’. It might even be her second worst decision. Trump is so angry at Melania, they’re no longer sleeping in separate beds.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lies the Rich and Corporations Tell (if I lived in Pennsylvania)

November 2022

“Dr. Oz, urged fans on Saturday to contact 10 people on Sunday before the Steelers game. OK, one problem: the Steelers did not play on Sunday. Kind of important in Pennsylvania. That’s a big mistake. But then again, maybe he was just confusing the Steelers with his hometown team, the Newark … airports? The Jersey … turnpikes? Even more troubling for Oz was Oprah’s endorsement of his rival: ‘If I lived in Pennsylvania, I would’ve already cast my vote for John Fetterman for many reasons.’ And one of those reasons is that Dr. Oz also starts sentences with ‘if I lived in Pennsylvania’.” —Stephen Colbert

“These are turbulent times for Twitter under new owner Elon Musk, who fired half of Twitter’s staff over the weekend. The Tesla CEO has also rolled out a plan to make up lost revenue by charging $8 a month for a blue checkmark. Now that seems pretty steep for something that’s always been free, but it is a value. Not only would you get a blue checkmark, but it would verify that you’re dumb enough to give $8 to the richest man who’s ever lived.” —Stephen Colbert

“The real reason Republicans want power is to rig future elections and install permanent one-party rule. And that’s not just me saying that. Republicans are saying that. They are saying it in public, out in the open for everyone to hear. Wisconsin gubernatorial candidate Tim Michels, has promised that Republicans ‘will never lose another election in Wisconsin after I’m elected governor’. That wasn’t even a secret confession caught on hidden camera at a private event. He said that at a public campaign stop. It used to be that when you caught politicians confessing to something this scandalous, it would be on grainy black-and-white footage on a hotel security camera. Now they just yell it into a microphone like Michael Buffer before a boxing match.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Our show is so dead, he’s going to bury it next to his ex-wife at one of his golf courses (Come on, man, my feet are in this one!)

November 2022

“There is a tight Senate race in Pennsylvania, where celebrity doctor-turned-Trump acolyte Mehmet Oz squared off against the lieutenant governor, John Fetterman. Over the weekend, the woman responsible for Oz’s television career, Oprah, endorsed his rival. That’s always how it goes, people: at some point in life, you have to kill the monster you create. Dr. Frankenstein and his creature, Obi Wan and Anakin, parents and their kids.” —Trevor Noah

“Democrats are nervous right now, because they’ve got a lot stacked up against them in this election. Inflation is high, crime is up, pickleball is taking over for some reason, and all of that is sending Democrats into full-on panic mode. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about. Here is President Biden at a campaign stop in, of all states, New York, where Governor Kathy Hochul is running an unexpectedly tight race against state congressman Lee Zeldin. That’s how bleak it is looking for Democrats right now: they’re scrambling to salvage a governor’s race in New York. Which is crazy! New York is supposed to be a given for the Democrats. This is like having to beg your stalker to like one of your posts on Instagram – ‘Come on, man, my feet are in this one!’” —Trevor Noah

“Over the weekend Donald Trump said that my show was ‘dead’. Our show is so dead, he’s going to bury it next to his ex-wife at one of his golf courses. You know what’s dead? All those endangered animals your chinless son shot. You know what’s dead? The look in your wife’s eyes when you beg her for sex on your birthday.” —Jimmy Kimmel

 

If stumbling over a word every now and again disqualified you from politics, America wouldn’t have had a president for the past six years (half the characters have the same name)

October 2022

“The Pennsylvania Senate race is between GOP candidate and proof that Oprah makes mistakes Dr. Mehmet Oz and the Democrat, former lieutenant governor John Fetterman. Fetterman, who endured a stroke in May and has since curtailed campaign appearances, gave his first in-person sit down interview to NBC News this week, using a prompter to help with difficulty interpreting auditory speech. He discussed how recovery from the stroke deepened his empathy, and stumbled over the pronunciation of ‘empathy’. Obviously, you’ve got people on the right saying Fetterman forgot a word, and he can’t understand speech, so he’s not fit for the Senate. And look, this is politics, so I get it. People will jump on any weakness to give their party an advantage. I understand that. But let’s be real, people. If stumbling over a word every now and again disqualified you from politics, America wouldn’t have had a president for the past six years.” —Trevor Noah

“At least Fetterman acknowledged that he messed up the word and corrected himself. Biden wouldn’t have noticed, while Trump would’ve tried to convince us that he actually got the word right.” —Trevor Noah

“As for using a prompter to help with the processing of speech, is that really a dealbreaker? In fact, if you ask me, I think America needs more people in politics who actually know how to read. [He said over photos of Marjorie Taylor Greene and the Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker.] If anything, needing captions is super relatable these days. Have you tried watching House of the Dragon without captions? It’s impossible. I mean, half the characters have the same name.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Plus, there’s so many of them, statistically it’s probably one of their birthdays (We know what's good for you sweetie)

October 2022

“I know everybody is saying that Joe Biden’s decision to pardon all prior federal offenses for simple marijuana possession, is just doing this to boost his popularity before the midterms. But in my opinion, I think maybe this thing hits closer to home. I wouldn’t be surprised if Joe Biden was secretly a huge pothead. Think about it: Joe Biden could smoke a lot of weed. He’s always puttering around like he forgot where he’s going, he’s wearing sunglasses everywhere he goes. I mean, he definitely talks like he’s high.” —Trevor Noah

“That sneaky Joe Biden pulled an October surprise on the Republicans by doing something popular, with his marijuana pardon. Today, Dark Brandon became Dank Brandon.” —Stephen Colbert

“A woman who says Herschel Walker paid for her abortion in 2009 also had a child with him. Come on, man! How many secret kids does this guy have? Does he know he doesn’t get a free smoothie after 10?” —Stephen Colbert

“Asked by campaign reporters if he had reached out to any of the mothers of his children, Walker answered: ‘No … why do I need to?’ Maybe to find out how your children are doing? Remember? The ones you don’t remember? Plus, there’s so many of them, statistically it’s probably one of their birthdays.” —Stephen Colbert

“In the upcoming midterms, Republicans have nominated many pro-Trump election deniers, and while the opposition party historically is always heavily favored to perform well in off-year elections, Republicans are stumbling toward the finish line after several of their pro-Trump Maga candidates have just fully imploded. One Ohio GOP candidate lied about his military service, the Pennsylvania Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz has been accused of killing over 300 dogs in his scientific experiments, and then there’s Herschel Walker’s hypocrisy over abortion in Georgia. The craziest thing is: the GOP just never runs out of ways to shock you. The Democrats no doubt have their flaws, but the GOP is like a magnet for all these pathological liars with incredibly sordid pasts. I can’t even begin to imagine who Trump is going to endorse next.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”