Seriously, you know how awful you have to be to turn Mitt Romney into the bouncer from Road House? (Magic Mike's Last Dance)

February 2023

“Another big moment from the night was a tense exchange on the House floor between Senator Mitt Romney and George Santos. Afterwards, Romney said that he told Santos, ‘You don't belong here.’ Then Santos said, ‘You can't talk to me like that. I'm the president.’ Seriously, you know how awful you have to be to turn Mitt Romney into the bouncer from ‘Road House’?” —Jimmy Fallon

“Also, I read that, this year, at least 23 million people watched the State of the Union. That's good, yeah. It's always a good sign for democracy when the State of the Union gets as many views as the trailer for ‘Magic Mike's Last Dance’.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Some business news. Bed Bath & Beyond is struggling to stay in business, and they just announced that they are closing 150 more stores. It is bad. Today in the mail, I got a 20%-off coupon to buy Bed Bath & Beyond.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This will be the first presidential library to be made up entirely of small, shiny objects (No chance of her writing a book)

Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York officially, who officially resigned today has got more problems, because they're now saying he spent thousands of dollars on these prostitutes and tried to make it look like a legitimate expense. Yeah, yeah. Like after he had sex with them, he'd make the hooker go out and fix a pothole." --Jay Leno

 

"And this 22-year-old brunette prostitute, Ashley Alexandra Dupre -- that's a hooker name if you ever heard one -- the one that got caught with the governor, she's now talking about writing a book. A book. So guys, let that be a lesson to you. Whenever you hire a prostitute, always go for the blondes. No chance of her writing a book." --Jay Leno

"This is exciting news. Southern Methodist University announced that they will be the home of George W. Bush's presidential library. This will be the first presidential library to be made up entirely of small, shiny objects. In fact, I understand right now, they're building a shelf for the book." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All that talk about launching missiles, it was right in front of us the whole time (You’re living your dreams!)

October 2022

“In England there is some dissatisfaction with Rishi Sunak as prime minister – not because of Sunak’s policies or immense personal wealth, but his skin color. As one caller to a British radio show put it: ‘Could you imagine me becoming the prime minister of Pakistan? Or Saudi Arabia? No! These things matter … Eighty-five per cent of English people are, yes, white English people. And they want to see a prime minister who reflects them.’ This guy has a good point – could you imagine if white English people wanted to rule countries where no one looked like them? That would never happen! Can you imagine that world? It’s funny how racists always say, ‘oh, colonization was fine, it was just business.’ Until they feel like they’re being colonized. Then they’re like, ‘something needs to be done!’ British racists are looking at this all wrong. This could be a good thing for you people. After 400 years you’ll get to legitimately blame a brown person for your country’s problems. You’re living your dreams!” —Trevor Noah

“We relished the heckling delivered to the most repulsive man in America, Texas senator Ted Cruz, when he attended an American League championship game between the Yankees and the Houston Astros. The Astros won and will now face the Phillies in the World Series. You know, you would think Ted Cruz would be unwelcome in a place like the Bronx, and if you did think that, you would be correct. There are videos of fans shouting numerous expletives at Cruz. So even though they lost the game, I think New York won the battle last night.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump, sat for more than 20 interviews with journalist Bob Woodward over the course of 2020. Woodward previewed some of the tapes that he plans to release, which included audio of Trump waxing poetic about the North Korean leader, Kim Jong-un. ‘You meet somebody, and you have a good chemistry, and there is a lot of truth to it,’ Trump said. ‘You meet a woman. In one second, you know whether or not it’s all going to happen. OK? We had very good chemistry together.’ Wait a minute … did Donald Trump have sex with Kim Jong-un? I didn’t even know they were dating! All that talk about launching missiles, it was right in front of us the whole time.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People say I’m an absentee father, but if that were true, why would I have this World’s Best Dad mug? (honorary senator)

October 2022

“Herschel Walker, the former football star turned Republican anti-abortion candidate, his campaign has been rife with scandal amid news that he paid for his then-girlfriend’s abortion in 2009 (he denies this; she provided a check and signed a ‘get well soon’ card), and that he lied about working with law enforcement. And in a debate last week with Democratic opponent Raphael Warnock, Walker dismissed scrutiny on his law enforcement credentials by flashing an honorary deputy’s badge. I don’t know what’s crazier in this story: the fact that this man lied about being in law enforcement, or the fact that he pulled out a fake badge during a debate. Or the fact that after the sheriff’s association said that his badge is just an honorary one, he said ‘no, they’re wrong.’ Though rebuked by the debate moderator, Walker has doubled down in news interviews, calling his honorary badge ‘legit’. Does he treat every symbolic object like this? He’d be like ‘people say I’m an absentee father, but if that were true, why would I have this World’s Best Dad mug?’” —Trevor Noah

“But there was one upside to Walker’s insistence on the legitimacy of his fake badge. This means that Georgia voters don’t even need to elect Herschel Walker senator. They could just give him a certificate that says ‘honorary senator’. He won’t know the difference!” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”