Well, thank God I’m not George Santos, said George Santos (So I gave up eating bats for nothing?)

March 2023

The House Ethics Committee has announced an investigation into George Santos. Well, thank God I’m not George Santos, said George Santos. —Michael Che

The U.S. Energy Department concluded that Covid likely originated from a Wuhan laboratory leak and not a wet market. So I gave up eating bats for nothing? —Michael Che

Fisherman in Florida have discovered a 214 year old clam that was born the same year as Abraham Lincoln. The clam credits its longevity to staying away from the theater. —Michael Che

A man in Missouri is planning to turn an abandoned jail into an AirBNB rental, which will make it the first jail that refuses to accept black people. —Michael Che

It was announced that Puerto Rico’s only zoo is closing after years of alleged animal neglect. Worse, the zoo’s closing is being advertised as all you can eat. —Michael Che

A California man has set a new world record by visiting Disneyland for 2,995 consecutive days, but still no sign of his kids. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville! (This is bat country)

"Today is Vladimir Putin's 62nd birthday. He celebrated the way he always does: having someone try his cake before him." –Jimmy Fallon

After meeting with Democratic leaders, it seems like Donald Trump changed his mind on DACA. Democrats were like, “Yeah, we told him it stood for Doughnuts Across America.” –Jimmy Fallon

Chris Christie recently ordered the leader of the New Jersey National Guard to lose weight within the next 90 days. And if he doesn't, Christie will eat him. –Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports that several members of Congress were actually drinking last night while they were debating the bill that could have avoided the government shutdown. Which explains that one part where they said, 'The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville!'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I call that a Fancy Feast (I can’t believe I can say that on CBS)

February 2022

“This morning, all eyes were on Gobbler’s Knob, which I can’t believe I can say on CBS.” —Stephen Colbert

“That is so unfair, because if Africans were doing [expletive] like this and you heard that we pulled animals out of the ground? Like, there are villages in Africa where people wear animal skins, and if I tried to explain that Americans use groundhogs to predict the weather, they would be like, ‘But why not just use the satellite data?’” —Trevor Noah

“Yeah, that’s right, we spend all year telling people to trust science, then ask a large rodent to predict the weather.” —Jimmy Fallon

“You know, they could just flip a coin, but coins aren’t known carriers of rabies and hepatitis, so it’s more fun to go with the groundhog.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And by the way, we looked into it — the Farmers’ Almanac calls the few animals who hibernate in winter ‘the seven sleepers.’ You want to know who two of the seven sleepers are? Groundhogs and bats.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It officially makes coal one of the five food groups (God cancels Christmas)

October 2021

The Biden Administrations climate plan is likely to be dropped from the budget plan after senator Joe Manchin refused to support it. Manchin who’s from West Virginia, said he would only agree to Biden’s bill if it cuts clean energy and officially makes coal one of the five food groups. —Colin Jost

Logistical delays caused by worker shortages and Covid outbreaks have doubled the time it takes for some products to get from Asia to the U.S. This might sound crazy, but could we use bats? Because the last time bats carried something it got everywhere real quick. —Colin Jost

Transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg is being criticized for remaining on paternity leave with his husband and twin babies while supply chain problems threaten the holiday shopping season. Said conservatives, see, you let gay couples have kids and God cancels Christmas. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Rising Economic Tide (Uh-oh, I think I did it again)

March 2021

“But still, there’s no reason that you can’t celebrate spring break and wear a mask. It could be part of the fun. I mean, just think how sexy a wet mask contest could be, hmm? I mean, we haven’t seen mouths in a year — what’s under there?” —Trevor Noah

“This is what’s going to happen after Florida’s governor called the state a ‘freedom oasis.’ Like if I put a Starbucks sign above my apartment door, I can’t be mad when people show up and try to take a [expletive] in my bathroom.” —Trevor Noah

“And if we learned anything from Miami, this is just a preview of how much everyone is going to get loose once the pandemic is truly over. People have been locked up for too long. Once it ends, everyone’s going to be drinking and partying, hooking up with everyone. It’s going to be so much that it’s going to create the next worldwide virus. Yeah, guys are going to be waking up in bed next to a bat like, ‘Uh-oh, I think I did it again.’” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Worse, he turned a regular coffee into a latte (Bat On a Stick)

The New York subway will be closed for several hours every night to give workers time to thoroughly clean the trains. While the Staten Island Ferry will be closed for 30 seconds to be sprayed with Drakkar Noir. —Colin Jost

Panda Express employees around the country are reporting an increase in racism directed at them due to the Coronavirus. But it is way worse for employees over at Bat On a Stick. —Colin Jost

Vermont  police arrested a man who went into a Dunkin’ Donuts and exposed himself to the clerk. Worse, he turned a regular coffee into a latte. —Colin Jost

The actor who played The Mountain on Game of Thrones set a new world record by deadlifting 1,100 pounds in a competition. Unfortunately officials still gave the Gold Medal to Bran for some fucking reason. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He looks like they talked him out of wearing a cape (Wait, I’m still in the race?)

A personal valet who handles President Trump’s meals has tested positive for the Coronavirus. The news was first reported on CNN while the anchors tried not to smile. —Colin Jost

Trump traveled to Arizona to visit a factory making respirator masks and you’re totally going to believe this. He didn’t wear a mask. He did however wear goggles for some reason and I gotta say, he looks ‘special’. He looks like they talked him out of wearing a cape. I am not saying the virus started in a laboratory, but if it did, it was a guy who looked like this who snuck in at night to pet the bats. —Colin Jost

Tara Reade, the woman who has accused Joe Biden of sexual assault is calling on him to drop out of the race. Joe Biden replied, ‘Wait, I’m still in the race.’ —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's the most bats ever found living in one place since Rudy Guiliani's last brain scan (taking Flintstone vitamins and hoping for the best)

Senator Kamala Harris said this week that as part of her presidential platform, she would advocate for a single-payer healthcare system. It would replace our current system of taking Flintstone vitamins and hoping for the best. --Seth Meyers

A Kansas man received stitches over the weekend after he was hit by his cousin's girlfriend during a game of Monopoly. The girl was going to spend the night in jail, but got out of it by rolling doubles. --Seth Meyers

And finally, a university in Louisiana has temporarily closed one of its buildings after thousands of bats began living inside. It's the most bats ever found living in one place since Rudy Guiliani's last brain scan. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Where I stand on giving speeches to Wall Street (he turned into a bat and flew away)

"Today, the moderators were announced for the upcoming presidential debates. Good, yeah. Apparently, Barack Obama insisted on someone who asks even-handed, probing questions, while John McCain insisted on someone who will talk into his good ear." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican Convention, because he says he's too unpopular. Yeah, and when asked to comment, Cheney said, 'I hope the senator reconsiders.' Then he turned into a bat and flew away." --Conan O'Brien

"Senator Barack Obama had a birthday yesterday. He's 47 years old, which means that Senator Barack Obama and John McCain have a combined age of 147 years." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

the baby was dragged from the plane by security (Walmart salad)

Former NFL player Titus Young was sentenced to four years in prison. Young said he’s sad to go to prison but happy to be reunited with his old teammates. –Conan O’Brien

A Turkish Airline crew helped deliver a baby onboard a flight. And then in keeping with the times, the baby was dragged from the plane by security. –Conan O’Brien

A package of salad mix that was sold in a Florida Walmart was found to contain a dead bat. This is shocking news - someone shopping at Walmart bought a salad. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

Then he turned into a bat and flew away (Whew! Take a break, fellows)

"Congress went on a five-week vacation starting today. And boy, they deserve it. Don't they? They got so much done this year: solved the energy crisis, health care, Social Security, immigration. Whew! Take a break, fellows." --Jay Leno

"Well, John McCain's daughter is now writing a children's book based on her father's life. See, the research has been difficult because, as you know, much of McCain's early life story is only available through folklore. So there's not much written down." --Jay Leno

"John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican Convention, because he says he's too unpopular. Yeah, and when asked to comment, Cheney said, 'I hope the senator reconsiders.' Then he turned into a bat and flew away." --Conan O'Brien