The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason (ten cents more a day)

Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, "I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one." –Conan O’Brien

A Florida man who accidentally fired a gun in a strip club restroom while trying to take a selfie has been sent to prison. The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, it sounds even better than I don’t remember (writing her name in the snow)

Miss Universe Puerto Rico has announced its second transgender contestant, Gabrielle Rodriguez Velquez. Her talent writing her name in the snow. Good for her. You go, girl. —Greg Gutfeld

And in unrelated news, a new Grateful Dead app launched featuring high-quality recordings of more than 400 full live shows. Said Dead fans, ‘Wow, it sounds even better than I don’t remember.’ —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He is going to be so shocked when he comes out of his fifth coma (removing the locks from the dressing room doors)

“So, reproductive rights in America lasted for less time than The Young and the Restless. Jack Abbott’s evil twin is going to be so shocked when he comes out of his fifth coma.” —Stephen Colbert

Don Jr.'s emails were with British music publicist Rob Goldstone. He met the Trumps at the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow. I believe his job was to remove all the locks from the dressing room doors. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What a coincidence, it's also how the Republicans pick a vice presidential candidate (It's just like Bush's approval rating)

"Everybody's excited about March Madness, the big NCAA tournament? Here's how it works: It starts at 65, then 64, then 32, then 16. It's just like Bush's approval rating." –David Letterman

"How many of you folks saw that last night, the Vice President, Republican Sarah Palin? Whoa, man, I like that Sarah Palin looks like the weekend anchor on Channel 9. She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing. She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial." --David Letterman

"But the Miss Universe pageant is fascinating. It's judged on poise -- you have to have poise -- judged on beauty, and also how you walk in high heels. What a coincidence, it's also how the Republicans pick a vice presidential candidate. The same criteria." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I believe his job was to remove all the locks from the dressing room doors (negative 3 percent/Also, you drink it now)

Don Jr.'s emails were with British music publicist Rob Goldstone. He met the Trumps at the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow. I believe his job was to remove all the locks from the dressing room doors. –Stephen Colbert

There's so much surplus meat that pork processors recently have reduced some hours at plants, and some plants even have turned away hogs. Ugh, can you imagine being a hog trying to get past the velvet rope at the slaughterhouse? "Come on, man, my cousin's already in there. He's a giant hog. Man, this is whack, I cleaned all the mud off myself for nothing." All of this surplus meat has led to a desperate new ad campaign: "Beef: It's what's for dinner. And breakfast, and lunch. Also, you drink it now." --Stephen Colbert

In the key swing states of Ohio and Pennsylvania Trump is currently getting zero percent support from black voters. Obviously every poll has a margin of error, so it can actually be negative 3 percent. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

try coming back from a 6 billion point deficit (Boring Miss Universe)

"EA Sports released a new version of the video game 'NBA Jam' that features Obama, Biden, Bush, and Cheney. Bush and Cheney play the first half, then Obama and Biden try to come back from a 6 billion point deficit." –Jimmy Fallon

Today Trump went to Puerto Rico to survey the damage done by the hurricane. And Mike Pence will go there tomorrow, to survey the damage done by the president. –Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is in New York this week for the U.N. General Assembly — a large gathering of diplomats from foreign countries, or as Trump calls it "Boring Miss Universe." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's similar to what goes on here in America when Popeye’s comes out with a new chicken sandwich (the Miss Universe dressing room)

September 2022

“The Queen’s funeral, which stretched for miles, similar to what goes on here in America when Popeye’s comes out with a new chicken sandwich.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Over the weekend, Trump posted on Truth Social: ‘I’ll soon be heading to the scene of the unwarranted, unjust, and illegal Raid and Break-in of my home in Florida, Mar-a-Lago.’ Unwarranted? The FBI literally had a warrant. And let’s clear another thing up: what happened at Mar-a-Lago was not a raid or a break-in. They asked him to return the documents, and they only showed up to take them when he didn’t. This is not a raid or a break-in. A break-in is what Trump used to do in the Miss Universe dressing room.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters (You are doing it all wrong)

"Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school

and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that

comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher

posters.'" –Conan O'Brien

"First they had a beer at the White House. Well, now, Professor Gates and the cop who arrested him are planning to go to a Red Sox game. It's getting to be a bit much. Last night, they went to a piano bar and sang 'Ebony and Ivory.'" --Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, "I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ (You lost us at textbook)

"Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ. It's a selfie he took with Larry King." –Conan O'Brien 

In Utah, a woman pulled out two of her son’s teeth in a Walmart bathroom. Or as that procedure will soon be known, “the Trumpcare dental plan.” –Conan O’Brien

House Speaker Paul Ryan described Donald Trump’s remarks about a Hispanic judge as a "textbook definition" of racism. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, "You lost us at 'textbook.'" –Conan O’Brien

Former FBI Director James Comey did not want to be left alone in a room with Donald Trump. Which is why James Comey was just named an honorary Miss Universe contestant. –Conan O’Brien

"Today Show" host Savannah Guthrie is skipping the Olympics in Rio because she’s pregnant and worried about the Zika virus. In a related story, Bob Costas just announced he is pregnant. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He'll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head (Don't tase me, bro!)

"Donald Trump says he will run for president. He'll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump says that if he's elected president, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant." –David Letterman

"How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One." –David Letterman

"You know Condoleezza Rice? So she's down there in Washington, and she's on a TV show and they go with her to the gym. Condoleezza Rice, secretary of state, and they're watching her work out. Here's what it is, it's called the Republican work-out. Every morning, you bench press a bag of laundered cash." --David Letterman

"During the argument between Obama and Clinton, security guards had to be brought in. You could hear Hillary screaming, Don't tase me, bro!.'" --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

they just flipped off the king of Norway (Boring Miss Universe)

President Trump is in New York this week for the U.N. General Assembly — a large gathering of diplomats from foreign countries, or as Trump calls it "Boring Miss Universe." --Jimmy Fallon

There are lots of foreign leaders here in New York City for the U.N. It's that special time of year when New Yorkers get road rage, then realize they just flipped off the king of Norway. --Jimmy Fallon

While he's here, Trump gets to stay at his old apartment in Trump Tower. You can tell he's excited to be home, 'cause his little paws kept scratching at the front door before it was open. --Jimmy Fallon

Earlier today at the U.N., Trump said he's planning another meeting with Kim Jong Un. He'd actually meet sooner but Trump's waiting for Amazon to deliver their matching onesies. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Is your goat better off today than it was four years ago? (The same criteria)

"But the Miss Universe pageant is fascinating. It's judged on poise -- you have to have poise -- judged on beauty, and also how you walk in high heels. What a coincidence, it's also how the Republicans pick a vice presidential candidate. The same criteria." --David Letterman

"But one of the guys on the ballot is a candidate named Abdullah Abdullah. He had what I thought was a great campaign slogan if you're running for office in Afghanistan. You know the slogan? It's 'Is your goat better off today than it was four years ago?'" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama is taking a vacation on Martha's Vineyard. Earlier today, you know, bound to happen, awkward moment. He is out on the beach, runs into John McCain looking for coins with a metal detector." --David Letterman

"But Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Which is weird, 'cause usually #royalbaby is about Donald Trump (What they want you to see)

According to James Comey's memos, over dinner President Trump vigorously denied that he spent a night in Moscow during the 2013 Miss Universe pageant. Which is weird because all Comey asked him was, "Can you pass the salt?” --Conan O’Brien

Thanks to the royal baby, today was the first time in a long time that the breaking news wasn't about Donald Trump. Which is weird, 'cause usually #royalbaby is about Donald Trump. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

We always thought you were the dumb one (formal apology)

Don Jr.'s emails were with British music publicist Rob Goldstone. He met the Trumps at the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow. I believe his job was to remove all the locks from the dressing room doors. –Stephen Colbert

Seventeen minutes later, Don Jr. responded, "Thanks, Rob, I appreciate that. If it's what you say, I love it, especially later in the summer." Just to make it clear, he also attached this picture [pic of Trump Jr. with printed T-shirt] — "I love crime in the summertime!" –Stephen Colbert

So at this point, I would like to issue a formal apology. I'd like to apologize to Eric Trump. We always thought you were the dumb one, and we were wrong. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

I’m taking you down with me (honorary Miss Universe contestant)

It’s been reported that Attorney General Jeff Sessions has offered to resign. President Trump told him, “That won’t be necessary, I’m taking you down with me.” –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Press Secretary Sean Spicer was asked if the president has confidence in his attorney general and he was unable to answer the question. When Spicer was asked if he had any self-respect left, Spicer said, “I can’t answer that question either.” –Conan O’Brien

Former FBI Director James Comey did not want to be left alone in a room with Donald Trump. Which is why James Comey was just named an honorary Miss Universe contestant. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

JOKES: Basically the wall should be tall but not fat or ugly (Miss Universe)

Plans for the border wall continue and on Sunday, Fox News reported several requirements that the White House issued for the wall. They said it must be 30 feet high, good-looking from the U.S. side, and difficult to break through. Basically the wall should be tall but not fat or ugly. –James Corden

It’s pretty much like Trump updated the Miss Universe regulations and just made them about the wall. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

He carries so many because they’re constantly getting slapped out of his hands

The first and only vice-presidential debate of this election season was held tonight, and it was pretty much the same as the debate I had with my wife about painting the foyer. “Do we want eggshell or ivory?” –Seth Meyers

Eric Trump today defended his father’s recent 3 a.m. Twitter rant about former Miss Universe Alicia Machado, telling reporters, “At least my father is up at 3 o’clock in the morning.” Why do you think that’s a good thing? You know who’s up that early? People who are wondering where they went wrong with their son. –Seth Meyers

The New York Times revealed today that Tim Kaine travels with six harmonicas in his briefcase. He carries so many because they’re constantly getting slapped out of his hands. –Seth Meyers

Dad, quit asking me that (you almost want to let her vote in federal elections)

"CNN, to mark the fifth anniversary of 9/11, is going to be re-playing their original coverage of that day. Let's just hope that President Bush doesn't tune in and go, 'Oh my God, they've done it again!'" --Bill Maher

"We won the Miss Universe pageant. Meet Miss Puerto Rico, or as I call her, Miss 'U.S.A.'s Territory with Commonwealth Status' Puerto Rico. She is so beautiful, you almost want to let her vote in federal elections." --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush said he's often asked why we are in Iraq when Saddam Hussein isn't responsible for 9/11. Bush said all his responses are the same -- 'Dad, quit asking me that.'" --Jay Leno

Bill Murray Knows It's Monday, but...

"I don't want to say President Bush's approval rating is dropping, but I understand there's a sign outside of Crawford, Texas, that now says, 'Home of Cindy Sheehan.'" --Jay Leno

"CNN, to mark the fifth anniversary of 9/11, is going to be re-playing their original coverage of that day. Let's just hope that President Bush doesn't tune in and go, 'Oh my God, they've done it again!'" --Bill Maher

"We won the Miss Universe pageant. Meet Miss Puerto Rico, or as I call her, Miss 'U.S.A.'s Territory with Commonwealth Status' Puerto Rico. She is so beautiful, you almost want to let her vote in federal elections." --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush said he's often asked why we are in Iraq when Saddam Hussein isn't responsible for 9/11. Bush said all his responses are the same -- 'Dad, quit asking me that.'" --Jay Leno

She is so beautiful, you almost want to let her vote in federal elections

"Saddam Hussein has been on a hunger strike for seventeen days. They had to nurse him back to health with a feeding tube to get him healthy enough so he can go back on trial. And then be put to death. It is an odd thing. Two years ago, we were dropping ten thousand pound bombs on the guy. Now we're feeding him nutrients through a tube. No wonder he's confused." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We won the Miss Universe pageant. Meet Miss Puerto Rico, or as I call her, Miss 'U.S.A.'s Territory with Commonwealth Status' Puerto Rico. She is so beautiful, you almost want to let her vote in federal elections." --Stephen Colbert

"This Friday, 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks will go to the White House to meet with President Bush. That's pretty cool, isn't it? Imagine an awkward Southern guy, who nobody thought could win anything, sitting down with the 'American Idol,' Taylor Hicks." --Jay Leno