Now multiply that occurence by 1.8 million (is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves)

An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed. –Seth Meyers

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves (oppressed)

An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed. –Seth Meyers

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Anyone else as turned on as I am? (585 earthquakes)

Hillary Clinton recently said it's a “low blow” for Bernie Sanders to criticize her for not being progressive enough. And if you want to know more about that story, do NOT Google “Clinton low blow.” Save yourself. –Jimmy Fallon

After finishing second in New Hampshire’s Republican primary, John Kasich said he can handle attacks by Donald Trump saying, “I'm not gonna sit there and be a marshmallow and have somebody pound me." Then Chris Christie was like, "Anyone else as turned on as I am?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

In the musical Oklahoma he played Oklahoma (Hope that helps)

CNN's Brian Stelter reviewed Karoline Leavitt’s first White House Press briefing and called it theater, and he knows theater, in the musical Oklahoma he played Oklahoma. —Greg Gutfeld 

                                                                    President Trump ordered a freeze on federal grants and loans. Meanwhile we're still trying to figure out who ordered the freeze on Mitch McConnell. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters (Even worse, her kids failed)

An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed. –Seth Meyers

A boy in Maryland this weekend was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing through the prize door. Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s all about the journey, man! (hold me closer, Tony Danza)

At a Donald Trump rally in Oklahoma, Sarah Palin called President Obama a “weak-kneed capitulator in chief." When asked if she knows what a capitulator is, she said, "Of course I do — it's one of those worms that turns into a butterfly!" –Jimmy Fallon

Two guys in Minnesota were pulled over with almost 500 pounds of weed in their car. You could tell it was a lot, ’cuz even their GPS was like, “Forget about the destination – it’s all about the journey, man!” --Jimmy Fallon

Elton John just announced that he is going to retire after his next world tour. There's gonna be a dramatic moment at the end where he admits that the lyrics really ARE “hold me closer, Tony Danza.”  --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

historically, people who take on the Teamsters end up with season tickets to Giants Stadium … underneath the end zone (I will eat their delicious face)

Senator Markwayne Mullin, Republican of Oklahoma, challenged Sean M. O’Brien, the president of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters, to a physical fight during a Senate committee hearing on Tuesday. If there’s going to be a fight, I’d like to warn that senator: You look pretty big, but, historically, people who take on the Teamsters end up with season tickets to Giants Stadium … underneath the end zone. — Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump has long toyed with the language of fascism, but is now openly cribbing from Hitler and Mussolini. In response to such comparisons, Trump’s team released a statement: “Those who try to make that ridiculous assertion are clearly snowflakes grasping for anything … and their entire existence will be crushed when President Trump returns to the White House.” To that I offer an addendum: ‘Furthermore, anyone who says I’m a cannibal is a liar, and if they say it again, I will eat their delicious face.’ — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

If you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire (just as our forefathers intended)

"For Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you're in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire." –Conan O'Brien

"Cosmo magazine is encouraging female students in North Carolina to vote by offering a party bus to the voting polls that includes shirtless male models — just as our forefathers intended." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran (Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it)

"Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran." –Jay Leno

 "A new study shows that home births are up 20% in the United States. More and more moms are giving birth at home. Or as in Arnold Schwarzenegger's case, giving birth in the home they're cleaning." –Jay Leno

"CNN was first to announce the decision, but they got it wrong. They said the healthcare mandate was struck down. Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves (Drop Acid Not Bombs!)

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said that while schools receiving federal funds must abide by federal civil rights laws, the department will not enter decrees on things like LGBTQ discrimination. Coincidentally, LGBTQ is also how Betsy DeVos thinks you spell discrimination. –Seth Meyers

An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed. –Seth Meyers

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was so cold, hot dog vendors were complaining about shrinkage (I want to be like mommy!)

Let's get to some news here. Today is day 31 of the government shutdown. Now that the shutdown is over 30, Democrats are just hoping Trump will start to lose interest. --Jimmy Fallon

Well, you guys, it was just five degrees in New York City today. It was so cold, hot dog vendors were complaining about shrinkage. --Jimmy Fallon

At a Donald Trump rally in Oklahoma, Sarah Palin called President Obama a “weak-kneed capitulator in chief." When asked if she knows what a capitulator is, she said, "Of course I do — it's one of those worms that turns into a butterfly!" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But that's the price you pay for preventing something that doesn't happen (he insists he has nothing to hide)

August 2012

"Six days after Paul Ryan was picked to be Mitt Romney's running mate, a shirtless photo of him finally turned up on TMZ. The photo of Ryan with his wife was taken six years ago while they were on vacation in Oklahoma, which raises an interesting question: Who goes on vacation in Oklahoma?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, Mitt Romney is refusing to release more than the first four inches of his torso, though he insists he has nothing to hide." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Pennsylvania voter ID law, according to one study will disenfranchise 9% of the entire Pennsylvania electorate. But that's the price you pay for preventing something that doesn't happen." –Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they’re just going to spend it on a tank called the De-Escalator 4000 (Gary! Cut that sh*t out!)

“After weeks of sustained protests against anti-black racism and police brutality across America, Donald Trump signed an executive order on Tuesday to curb police violence. But before you get excited … don’t, as the order doesn’t do much. For example, the order promises federal grants to departments for training and certification courses. I’m pretty sure the chant is defund the police. If you give them more funding, they’re just going to spend it on a tank called the De-Escalator 4000.” —Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, the Trump campaign continues to plan for its rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma, this weekend, despite the public health risk of coronavirus and an editorial from the Tulsa World declaring ‘this is the wrong time and Tulsa is the wrong place for the Trump rally.’ Well, you know what they say: two wrongs make a rallyful of whites.” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump once again downplayed the use of excessive force by police to a ‘tiny’ number of officers, but, I mean, if bad cops were a minor problem, you wouldn’t have huge protests in every city. You’d just be able to point at the bad cop and be like ‘hey, Gary! Cut that shit out!’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

To stay safe, Trump is going to have Don Jr. standing next to him with a 9-iron (shouting jokes into the draperies)

“The forecast in Tulsa on Saturday calls for thunderstorms. To stay safe, Trump is going to have Don Jr. standing next to him with a 9-iron.” — Jimmy Fallon

“President Trump dismissed criticism of his decision to resume campaign rallies amid the coronavirus pandemic, and wrote on Twitter yesterday that his opponents are attempting to, quote, ‘Covid shame’ him. But I guess that’s what happens when you have opponents like science, math and reason.” — Seth Meyers

“Last week, the daily number of new coronavirus cases went up in 22 states, but that’s not going to stop Trump from holding a rally this Saturday in Tulsa, Oklahoma, no matter how many people want him to stop. In an editorial yesterday, Tulsa’s largest newspaper, The Tulsa World, opined, ‘This is the wrong time and Tulsa is the wrong place for the Trump rally.’ But you know what they say, two wrongs make a rally full of whites.” — Stephen Colbert

“The paper explained, ‘The city and state have authorized reopening, but that doesn’t make a mass indoor gathering of people pressed closely together and cheering a good idea.’ Yes, it’s not. Otherwise, I would still be doing it in the Ed Sullivan Theater. I have forgotten what laughter sounds like, and it is killing me — but not as fast as having an audience would kill them. That’s why I’m sitting in my study, shouting jokes into the draperies.” — Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Donald, before you pop out of your bunker (couldn’t you just rethink the plan?)

“Here’s a question for you — couldn’t you just not do that? Of all the cities on all the days, couldn’t you just hold it in Houston on Arbor Day or in Boise on Flag Day? Also, timing — Donald, we’re in the middle of a pandemic. Couldn’t you just wait before you say it and spray it all over Oklahoma? And I know you refuse to issue social-distancing guidelines for your rally, but hey, if it’s like some of your past gatherings, couldn’t you just admit crowding might not be a problem? So look, Donald, before you pop out of your bunker for Cough-a-palooza, couldn’t you just rethink the plan?” —Jimmy Fallon

“Big crowds are expected, even welcomed. But anyone who gets a ticket has to agree in writing not to sue Trump if they get sick. For real, you have to click this liability release to register to go. It’s like being pregnant on a roller coaster. But go ahead and take a big swig of bleach before you come anyway.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

and put it up there on my Hooters calendar (Fort Il Duce)

“Trump’s first rally is scheduled for 19 June, AKA Juneteenth, the annual holiday commemorating the end of slavery in America, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, which 99 years ago this month was the site of one of the bloodiest, most destructive weeks of racial violence in the US, when white mobs destroyed ‘Black Wall Street’. Now, to be fair, there’s no way Trump knows that much American history. I’m pretty sure he just told Stephen Miller, ‘Steve, just pick the most offensive date and location you can think of, and put it up there on my Hooters calendar.’” —Stephen Colbert

“The latest dismal polls for Trump, show that his political standing has eroded considerably over the past month. So Trump and his supporters in the GOP and on rightwing TV are resorting to the only two tactics they have left: amping up the racism and nursing deranged cultural grievances. For example, after the army said they would consider renaming bases named after Confederate leaders, Trump tweeted a nonsensical dissent, which White House staffers printed out and handed to reporters at a briefing. What do you mean they’re part of a ‘great American heritage’, a history of ‘winning, victory and freedom’? Confederates famously fought against America, and they lost. Since when do we name military bases after people who lost wars against America. Is there a naval base named after King George III? Would you make American soldiers train at Fort Il Duce?” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

come for the low-paying jobs with no security, stay for the quarantines (It's Sh*tgibbon!)

“Many of the nation’s most vulnerable frontline workers are women, especially nurses, and women are more likely to be low-wage or temporary workers who are the first to face layoffs when businesses shut down. Domestic workers, many of them undocumented immigrants who can’t file for unemployment or stimulus relief, are mostly women and many are now out of work. ‘America: come for the low-paying jobs with no security, stay for the quarantines.’” —Samantha Bee

“Meanwhile, several states such as Tennessee, Mississippi, Iowa, Oklahoma, Alabama and Ohio have declared abortions ‘non-essential services’ and ordered clinics to shut down. Some of these restrictions are being challenged, but that can’t happen quickly enough. Now, if you’re, say, a dude, and you can’t quite empathize, let me put this in terms you might understand. Imagine driving hours to see your favorite band – which, if you’re a middle-aged white guy, I assume is Pearl Jam. It’s the only chance you’ll ever have to see Pearl Jam play live and if you don’t get to see Pearl Jam play live now, your life will never be the same. But then when you finally get to the concert, Pearl Jam refuses to go on. You’re devastated. And then Eddie Vedder forces you to have a baby.” —Samantha Bee

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You never find a dead body when you're sitting at home eating ice cream watching porno (you know what I’m saying?)

It’s good to be back in Toronto. You know what this town could really use? Another strip club. I think that would help things out. I went about a block and a half without seeing one and I got a little nervous. --Dave Attell

Here's a little drinking tip. Never get drunk when you're wearing a hooded sweatshirt because you will eventually think there's someone right behind you. --Dave Attell

I don't jog, you know why? It’s not because I'm against jogging. It’s because it always seems joggers are the ones that find the dead body. You never find a dead body when you're sitting at home eating ice cream watching porno, you know what I’m saying. --Dave Attell

Talk more about porn? You got it. Some people are against it and I say,  “Hey Oklahoma, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a p*nis and a midget do to each other is their business.” --Dave Attell

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush (Christ, It's Cold Out Parade)

"Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush." –Conan O'Brien

"WikiLeaks released more than 250,000 secret documents, some of which refer to computer passwords for world leaders. The most shocking revelation: Kofi Annan's password is 'BieberFan9.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A Senator from Oklahoma says he won't participate in his state's holiday parade unless they put Christ back in the title. So get ready for this year's 'Christ, It's Cold Out Parade.'" –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Legal experts say this may finally explain why justice is blind (I just assumed my dress would get ruined)

Hundreds of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance to meet Bill Clinton. When asked if she minded the rain one woman said, “I'm meeting Bill Clinton I just assumed my dress would get ruined.” --Conan O’Brien 6/22/2004

According to USA Today many colleges and universities are all around the country are trying to be more gay-friendly. In a related story Oral Roberts University is now Anal Roberts University. --Conan O’Brien 6/23/2004

This is a strange story but it's true. This week a judge in Oklahoma was charged with masturbating under his robe while a court case was going on. Legal experts say this may finally explain why justice is blind. --Conan O’Brien 6/25/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”