It hasn’t taken nearly as long as Vietnam or Korea or getting home from Troy (Trump calls it the feel-good movie of the summer)

“The Iran war is now six months old. Trump says please keep it in perspective: It hasn’t taken nearly as long as Vietnam or Korea or getting home from Troy.” — Bill Maher

“Have you seen ‘The Odyssey’? Amazing that Hollywood has a movie this big, people going to see it at two in the morning. This is awesome. And if you haven’t seen it, it’s about a serial adulterer who gets stuck in a war that takes forever. Trump calls it the feel-good movie of the summer.” — Bill Maher 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, there goes my Christmas card idea (people feel the same way about Facebook as they do about the McRib)

"President Obama said he will not release the photo of Osama bin Laden's dead body. Well, there goes my Christmas card idea." –Jimmy Fallon

Most Americans said they still like Facebook, but they don't trust it. So basically, people feel the same way about Facebook as they do about the McRib. --Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush and Bill Clinton sat next to each other at the big game. Clinton congratulated UConn on its big win, while Bush gave Kentucky a 'Mission Accomplished' banner." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It comes pre-crashed (the world's longest receipt)

Today is the first day of the New York Auto Show. It went well. Only 30 cars were stolen. They've even made a new Tiger Woods edition SUV. It comes pre-crashed. —Tom Shillue

CVS plans to open 60 new stores in 2026. It's all part of a bigger plan to create the world's longest receipt. —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I met him in Fort Lauderdale (Message received)

Earlier this week, GI Joe turned 62. Wow. I'll never forget my first G.I. Joe. I met him in Fort Lauderdale. Stole my heart and my wallet. —Greg Gutfeld

In a recent interview, actress Sydney Sweeney said she's looking for a man who is athletic, outgoing, and funny. Message received. —Greg Gutfeld

In a Wisconsin neighborhood, postal workers were terrorized and chased by wild turkeys. “Did someone say wild turkey?”, asked Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Big Daddy Bronzer (and just to cover all my bases, let’s throw in the entire Cheesecake Factory menu)

“You know how they say there’s no such thing as bad publicity? They’re not talking about this. The Wall Street Journal also reported that the documents included hundreds of other names, according to a source. Of course! Names like Donald Trump, Donald John Trump, Donald J Trump, Donnie Trump, Donald Trump Jr’s father, Big Daddy Bronzer AKA the Donald and a mystery man only known as Micro-Penis DJT.” —Stephen Colbert

A video has resurfaced of Jeffrey Epstein’s deposition from 2010, in which he was asked if he ever socialized with Donald Trump in the presence of females under the age of 18. Epstein answered: “Though I’d like to answer that question, at least today, I’m going to have to assert my fifth, sixth and 14th amendment rights, sir.” Not a great sign when the pedophile is being asked if you’re doing a pervert ride-along, and their response is ‘I’d like to invoke the entire constitution, Magna Carta, the Napoleonic code and just to cover all my bases, let’s throw in the entire Cheesecake Factory menu.’ —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What you hope for vs What they mean (It was just maintenance neglect)

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress." –Jay Leno  6/13/2011

"Southwest Airlines said that the hole that ripped through the fuselage of one of their airplanes was not terrorism-related. Thank goodness! It was just maintenance neglect." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He and his gang controlled their hood's hedge fund (So it's all very realistic)

"They're now coming out with the new, 75th edition of Monopoly, this time with a round board. No more square boards. And actually, they've updated the whole game. In the new version, the banker is a Wall Street CEO. He overextends mortgages, he loses the bank, and when things go under, he uses his get-out-of-jail-for-free card. So it's all very realistic." –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney says he is not a creature of Washington. He has lived in the real streets of America. I believe it’s Easy Street, if I’m not mistaken.” –Jay Leno

“In fact, when Mitt Romney was young, he and his gang controlled their hood's hedge fund.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But that middle finger still works, boy (real girls' talk)

My God, you know, a lot less immigrants would come into America if you stop paying them $700 million to play baseball. That's right. Steve Cohen bought one Dominican for $700 million. We used to be able to get a whole bushel for that much. —Chris Rock

Joe Biden pardoned his son, Hunter Biden. I gotta hand it to Joe, man. You know, he don't move as fast as he used to. He don't talk as fast as he used to, you know? But that middle finger still works, boy. —Chris Rock

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The study was conducted by a bunch of jerks trying to ruin Halloween (I feel it in my soul/Dick Cheney)

"Former President Bush is writing his memoirs and he says they will focus on 12 major decisions he made in his life. The weird thing is, 11 of them were made by Dick Cheney." –Conan O'Brien

A new study just came out that shows decreasing the amount of sugar in obese children's diet improves their health within 10 days. The study was conducted by a bunch of jerks trying to ruin Halloween. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, both of those games went into overtime (our warm up spill)

"A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, 'Hey, both of those games went into overtime.'" –Conan O'Brien

"BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Welcome aboard! (So, do I get a doubles trophy?)

Fox News announced that Bill O’Reilly has been fired, after his sexual harassment scandal. Experts say it is not likely that any self-respecting network will ever hire him — then CNN said, “Welcome aboard!” –Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to Serena Williams! She just announced that she’s expecting a baby, which means she won the Australian Open while she was pregnant. Then the baby said, “So, do I get a doubles trophy?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, the patient was pretty upset when she woke up (Hey, first one's on the house)

New York governor Andrew Cuomo has endorsed a new two-strikes plan that would permanently ban people from the subway if they are convicted of two sexual offenses on mass transit. First of all...two?! You're just telling every pervert in town, "Hey, first one's on the house." --Seth Meyers

A doctor in the U.K. yesterday admitted misconduct charges after he accidentally performed a vasectomy on the wrong patient. Apparently, the patient was pretty upset when she woke up. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The good news is, I’m ready to operate on your baby’s brain again! (Get In Loser)

In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught bumblebees how to play soccer. And now, they’re trying to get American bumblebees to watch it. –Conan O’Brien

Today, Dr. Ben Carson dropped out of the presidential race after a dismal and ineffective campaign. He said, "The good news is, I’m ready to operate on your baby’s brain again!" –Conan O’Brien

The Las Vegas airport has asked passengers to dispose of their marijuana in a special box. In a related story at Las Vegas airport today, Willie Nelson was found hiding in a box. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the burritos are conveniently wrapped in divorce papers (Teachers became suspicious when the school band sounded good)

Astronomers reportedly discovered 60 new planets near our solar system. “How are the schools?” asked Melania. –Seth Meyers

Taco Bell has announced plans to offer a $600 wedding service at its flagship restaurant in Las Vegas. And this is cool — the burritos are conveniently wrapped in divorce papers. –Seth Meyers

And finally, a Cleveland mom was arrested this week after a child brought marijuana-infused gummy candies to school and shared them with at least 12 other students. Teachers became suspicious when the school band sounded good. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Back then I was into older women (You’re Dead to Me Tour)

According to a new poll, only 19% of New Jersey residents approve of their governor, Chris Christie. And they’re all restaurant owners. –Conan O’Brien

This week, Donald Trump is going to North Carolina, Iowa, and Michigan — all states that voted for him — for his “Thank You” tour. Then, he comes here to California for the “You’re Dead to Me” tour. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, another woman came forward with proof from the 1980s that Roy Moore pursued her when she was 17. Moore said, "What can I say? Back then I was into older women." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know things have gone sideways when you’re watching something and you’re thinking god, I wish Donald Trump was there (I feel it in my soul)

The Republican debate last night featured five candidates who look like they’re complaining to the manager at a Starbucks. The GOP ‘dopefuls’ were just happy to be on television. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Putting the Republican debate on opposite the C.M.A. awards — it makes no sense. It’s like putting lasagna up against a Swedish meatball.” — Jimmy Kimmel

The debate lineup – Vivek Ramaswamy, Nikki Haley, Tim Scott, Ron DeSantis and Chris Christie – notably did not include frontrunner Donald Trump. It’s a who’s who of who has no chance to beat Donald Trump. But for these five Republicans, the stakes were higher than lifts in a pair of Ron DeSantis’s boots. —Jimmy Kimmel

“It is ridiculous to have these debates without the frontrunner, the guy they’re trying to beat. I mean, you know things have gone sideways when you’re watching something and you’re thinking god, I wish Donald Trump was there.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Ivanka Trump testified in New York. Only in the Trump family does take your daughter to work day mean she’s forced to testify in court. Like her brothers, Ivanka pleaded ignorance, frequently answering with ‘I don’t recall’ – which is a phrase she picked up from her father when Eric asked when his birthday was.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What you hope for. What they mean. (I dare him to come to India and say that to my face)

In an interview, Senate candidate Roy Moore's spokesperson said his accusers gave "Academy Award performances." Then Moore interrupted and said, "I just wish they'd been Teen Choice Awards." –Conan O’Brien

Today, President Trump signed an executive order authorizing the building of the border wall. It’s guaranteed to keep out all Mexicans unless they get their hands on a ladder or a shovel. –Conan O’Brien

"Barack Obama called Mitt Romney a pioneer of outsourcing jobs. A spokesperson for Romney said, 'I dare him to come to India and say that to my face.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Whoa — is it noon already? (we’re stuck with him)

KFC just unveiled a sunscreen that smells like extra crispy fried chicken. So if you want to smell like KFC ... there’s a pretty good chance you already do. –Jimmy Fallon

"New research found that people who wake up early are more productive than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it, 'Whoa — is it noon already?'" –Jimmy Fallon

A 12-year-old boy is actually running one of Trump’s campaign offices in Colorado. When asked how an inexperienced child could be running things, the boy said, “Look, he’s the nominee and we’re stuck with him.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Abby Martin: Marxism 101: How Capitalism is Killing Itself with Dr. Richard Wolff

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get (cowards who don't have the courage to show their faces)

"This week a group of activists, known as Anonymous, hacked the Twitter account of the KKK. The KKK is furious. They said Anonymous is just a bunch of cowards who don't have the courage to show their faces." –Conan O'Brien

"According to an exclusive interview, Senator Larry Craig said that because of his sex scandal, he's now in 'the toughest fight of his life.' Then Craig added, 'Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”