those kids are lying! (silently begging her edible to kick in)

The Trump administration said that Ice agents will now be permitted to arrest migrants in churches, and I can't wait until law enforcement bursts into a church and the priest is like, ‘those kids are lying!’ —Colin Jost

During his address, President Trump said he was changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America and Hillary Clinton, could be seen in the background laughing while he said it. While Kamala could be seen silently begging her edible to kick in. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Teachers became suspicious when the school band sounded good (America in two headlines)

59 new emojis will be available this fall, including a wheelchair and a flamingo, which is perfect if you need to tell someone your flamingo has been in an accident. --Seth Meyers

President Trump will reportedly have lunch with Chris Christie tomorrow. ”Just the salad, please,” said Christie when asked if there was anything on the menu he didn’t want. –Seth Meyers

And finally, a Cleveland mom was arrested this week after a child brought marijuana-infused gummy candies to school and shared them with at least 12 other students. Teachers became suspicious when the school band sounded good. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

according to the Constitution, if they don't have a speaker by tomorrow, the top contenders have to compete in a dance-off (parking space)

January 2023

“At this point, Kevin McCarthy's so unpopular, even Southwest Airlines feels bad for him, you know?” —Jimmy Fallon

“But this is interesting -- according to the Constitution, if they don't have a speaker by tomorrow, the top contenders have to compete in a dance-off.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That's right, McCarthy has already lost six votes to get the job. It's pretty humiliating, but he's not giving up. He's even got a different campaign slogan for each round of voting. For the first vote, his slogan was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. I’ll speak for you.’ For the second vote, it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Second times a charm.’ For the third vote, it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Okay, what they hell, guys?’ For the next vote, it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Is this cuz I sent everyone edible arrangements for Christmas?’ Then it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Wait, now I’m losing to the avocado from The Masked Singer?’ Next it’s… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Look, I’m not going to beg.’ Then it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Alright, I’m begging.’ Then it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Whoever wrote-in Wednesday Addams on the last ballot can shove it. If Thing were here, he’d give you the finger.’ Then it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. I’m honestly starting to think this is personal.’ And finally, it’s... ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Guess I’ll be the first republican to storm Out of the capitol.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, President Biden travelled to Kentucky where he made a rare joint appearance with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. It was actually a very sweet moment when they fell asleep during each other's speeches.” —Jimmy Fallon

“McConnell even got to ride in the presidential limo. And unlike Trump, Biden didn't have the car suddenly pull away every time Mitch tried to get in.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Look to them as examples of intelligence and leadership (it had all the excitement of a sober New Year's Eve party)

November 2022

“CNN just announced that they're no longer allowing their anchors to drink, on- or off-camera, during the network's New Year's Eve coverage. When they heard that, Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper were like, ‘Okay, edibles, it is.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, no drinking on New Year's Eve. At that point, it's not a party. It's just a news channel filming a clock.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Seriously, why would CNN mess with the one night people actually watch CNN? Speaking to CNN, last night, they hosted a town hall with former Vice President Mike Pence. And, ironically, it had all the excitement of a sober New Year's Eve party.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

don’t pick the one where the grandmas don’t know how to turn their knitting into a firebomb (a cobra who took too many edibles)

March 2022

“That’s right, Biden was at the podium with Kamala Harris and Nancy Pelosi right behind him. Fox News was like, ‘Throw in Hillary and you’ve got all Four Horsemen.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“During his speech, Biden introduced his new unity agenda. Unity agenda, yeah. And you can tell it worked because every single Republican ignored him.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, it was historic — 400 representatives, 100 senators and size 96 font on the teleprompter.” —Jimmy Fallon

“You have to praise the mettle of the Ukrainian resistance that has reportedly surprised and stymied the Russian military. Everyone around the world has been inspired by the resistance that they’ve put up so far, and their ability to tell Russia to go fuck itself in so many different ways. Despite the overwhelming odds, you have to respect the fight, man! You have to respect the fight that the Ukrainian people are putting up. Civilians are grabbing shotguns. Farmers are towing tanks. Like, one thing we’re learning from this war is if you’re going to invade a country, maybe don’t pick the one where the grandmas don’t know how to turn their knitting into a firebomb.” —Trevor Noah

“News reports mark a departure from Putin’s usual emotionless stance, like a weird combination of being super calm and super dangerous and something like a cobra who took too many edibles.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”