Marvin, Duke of the Running Wheel (all of LaGuardia)

Kate Middleton revealed yesterday that her children have a pet hamster named Marvin. Well, technically, its full name is Marvin, Duke of the Running Wheel. –Jimmy Fallon

A federal regulation is now requiring that airports serving over 10,000 passengers per year have an area in every terminal where pets can go to the bathroom. Or as it's called in LaGuardia, all of LaGuardia. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

technically classified as a prison (*and I alone*)

According to a new poll, Newark Liberty is the country’s least favorite airport. But only because LaGuardia is technically classified as a prison. –Seth Meyers

"A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby right in the middle of the flight. I'm happy to report that the mother and child are doing fine, while the guy who was sitting next to her is not." –Seth Meyers

First up, sledding. Hey, sledding, you combine my two favorite things -- having my legs broken and being at the bottom of a massive hill with broken legs. Let's be real. Sledding is just an excuse for parents to shove their kid down a hill without Child Protective Services getting involved. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You should probably stop talking (and he ain't missing that)

A federal regulation is now requiring that airports serving over 10,000 passengers per year have an area in every terminal where pets can go to the bathroom. Or as it's called in LaGuardia, all of LaGuardia. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Rudy Giuliani went on Fox News and revealed that Trump knew about and paid for Stormy Daniels’ hush money. Even Kanye was like, “You should probably stop talking.”  --Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain't missing that." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All in all, it's been a pretty tough year over at Outbreak Farms (Bill Cosby is at 17)

"After closing their final session, the outgoing 113th Congress has an approval rating of just 16 percent. To give you some perspective, Bill Cosby is at 17." –Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, Newark Liberty is the country’s least favorite airport. But only because LaGuardia is technically classified as a prison. –Seth Meyers

And finally, the California farm that recently recalled Romaine lettuce for possible E. coli contamination is now recalling cauliflower and other lettuces grown on the farm. All in all, it's been a pretty tough year over at Outbreak Farms. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

OK, I'll do it! I talked me into it! (You don't have to imagine that last one)

Donald Trump's recent immigration plan would cost at least $166 billion. When asked how he'd pay for it, Trump was like, "No hablo inglés.” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump just gave a big interview to the Hollywood Reporter. And when he was asked what actor he’d want to play him in a movie, he said, “Somebody really, really handsome.” Then he said, “OK, I'll do it! I talked me into it!" –Jimmy Fallon

The TSA's airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He dropped a bomb every 20 minutes for 8 years (long story short, he ended up just spelling bacon)

New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic surgeons. “Well, well, well, look who we have here!” –Jimmy Fallon

Chris Christie says that he’d give Donald Trump a “B” on his first 100 days. Then said he’d give him an “A” on immigration, and a “C” on healthcare, and long story short, he ended up just spelling “bacon.” –Jimmy Fallon

A federal regulation is now requiring that airports serving over 10,000 passengers per year have an area in every terminal where pets can go to the bathroom. Or as it's called in LaGuardia, all of LaGuardia. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, come on, what do you expect? You’re listening to a 76-year-old man in Florida (Enchantment Under Arrest)

April 2023

“After his arraignment, Trump hauled his ass to LaGuardia, got on his private jet, and flew to Mar-a-Lago, where he held an angry rally for all his cult members. The Florida event began with a truly weird procession down the center aisle by Trump’s children and far-right Republican lawmakers Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene. They look like the prom court, if the theme was Enchantment Under Arrest.” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump’s speech included a six-minute list of grievances. Well, come on, what do you expect? You’re listening to a 76-year-old man in Florida.” —Stephen Colbert

“The former president also blasted the New York judge overseeing the case, claiming he’s ‘a Trump-hating judge with a Trump-hating wife’. Well, at least that’s one thing you and the judge have in common.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And the devil was like, ‘Don't associate me with this.’ (Nothing helps you ease into prison like spending time at LaGuardia)

April 2023

“All over the city, tulips, daffodils, police barricades were blooming. That's right. Today, ahead of his scheduled arraignment, former President Trump flew from Florida to New York and landed at LaGuardia Airport. Yep, he was smart. Nothing helps you ease into prison like spending time at LaGuardia.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, Trump flew from Florida to New York, where he'll soon be arrested. He's basically doing a reverse spring break, if you think about it.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And this is real — Marjorie Taylor Greene's interview on 60 Minutes was watched by 6.66 million people. And the devil was like, ‘Don't associate me with this.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Thirty-four counts against Trump! I mean, if you throw in the other cases that he’s dealing with – the coup attempt, and the classified documents he stole – by the time we get to the primaries next year, Trump will be facing like a thousand criminal charges. Which would be very funny, if we spent all this time waiting for one criminal charge and ended up getting a ton of them all at once. It’s like when you turn on a hose and nothing comes out and you realize you’ve been standing on it, and you take your foot off and you just get blasted in the face.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The master's tools will never dismantle the master's house (Of course, my favorite, plan double-D/This factory is terrible)

Over the weekend, a man in Kentucky caught a 20-pound goldfish. The hard part will be flushing it down the toilet when it dies. Get the plunger. --Jimmy Fallon

But President Trump's got a lot going on. In the Oval Office today, he was asked if he had a backup plan if Venezuela's president doesn't step down. A reporter asked Trump, “If President Maduro stays in power, do you have a plan "B"?” Donald Trump, “I always have plan "B" and "C" and "D" and "E" and "F." Fallon as Trump, “We got Plan G. Preparation H. Of course, my favorite, plan double-D." --Jimmy Fallon

"Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I'm worried it'll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, 'This factory is terrible.'" –Jimmy Fallon

And tomorrow, Auntie Anne's is offering a special on heart-shaped pretzels. That's a great deal for all you hopeless romantics taking your dates to LaGuardia. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What's your favorite shoe shine fLaVoUr? (National Apologize to the Waiter Day)

"Kim Jong Un has been out of the public eye and North Korean officials say that it's because he needs a total of 100 days to recover from his foot ailments. When asked what kind of foot ailments, they said 'liposuction.'" –Seth Meyers

"Over 200 airplane cabin cleaners at LaGuardia Airport in New York have gone on strike over fears about the spread of Ebola. But then they saw LaGuardia Airport and decided to take their chances with Ebola." –Seth Meyers

Today is National Take Your Parents to Lunch Day. Or as it’s also known, National Apologize to the Waiter Day. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So if you live in New York and you’re consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse (Calling All Wang Lords)

"New research found that people who wake up early are more productive than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it, 'Whoa — is it noon already?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. 'Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?'" –Jimmy Fallon

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill that bans powdered alcohol from the state. So if you live in New York and you’re consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse. –Jimmy Fallon

The TSA's airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, technically, its full name is Marvin, Duke of the Running Wheel (She’s my favorite Teenage Witch)

Kate Middleton revealed yesterday that her children have a pet hamster named Marvin. Well, technically, its full name is Marvin, Duke of the Running Wheel. –Jimmy Fallon

A federal regulation is now requiring that airports serving over 10,000 passengers per year have an area in every terminal where pets can go to the bathroom. Or as it's called in LaGuardia, all of LaGuardia. –Jimmy Fallon

The Russia investigation is heating up. I saw that if Trump’s lawyers don’t agree to a sit-down interview with Mueller, he’ll issue a subpoena. Trump was like, “No problem, I love Subpoena. She’s my favorite Teenage Witch.” --Jimmy Fallon

Today President Trump hosted the Army football team at the White House for the trophy ceremony. They all played a game of catch and the quarterback kept telling Trump to go long until he just disappeared. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In response, Putin sent her somewhere no one will ever see her again – CNN (Do not open trunk)

“Sarah Palin was rapping on the Masked Singer – I’m sure it’s fine. I mean, when has a conservative celebrity on a reality show ever been a problem? Trump’s speech to calm fears about the Coronavirus: This is only the second time Trump has addressed the country from the Oval Office. The first was during the great McRib shortage of 2018.” —Jimmy Fallon

"This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, 'Do not open trunk.'" –Jimmy Fallon

And tomorrow, Auntie Anne's is offering a special on heart-shaped pretzels. That's a great deal for all you hopeless romantics taking your dates to LaGuardia. --Jimmy Fallon

"An anchor for Russia's state-owned news channel quit on live TV yesterday, saying that she doesn't agree with the network's support of Vladimir Putin. In response, Putin sent her somewhere no one will ever see her again – CNN." –Jimmy Fallon

Hey, guys, listen to this: Disney has a new "Star Wars" theme park. And they're promising a fully physical and immersive experience. So, kids, get ready for a ride where Dad cuts your hand off. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course there's always that other way to gamble at LaGuardia – checking a bag (If the workers take a notion)

March 2014

"The president announced his bracket for the NCAA tournament. March Madness starts tomorrow and Obama is predicting Michigan State will beat Louisville to win the national championship. Going by Obama's past predictions, I want to congratulate Louisville on their big win." –Jimmy Fallon

"The standoff in Ukraine keeps getting worse. But a new poll shows Vladimir Putin's approval rating has actually gone up 10 percent since he sent troops into Crimea. When he heard that, Obama just shrugged and sent troops to invade Canada." –Jimmy Fallon 

"It seems like everybody's weighing in on the situation. In fact, Senator John McCain has released a list of 11 steps he thinks the White House should take to punish Russia. Usually when McCain takes 11 steps, he uses a stair lift." –Jimmy Fallon

"Lawmakers here in New York are considering a plan to bring slot machines to LaGuardia Airport. Of course there's always that other way to gamble at LaGuardia – checking a bag." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”