You lose 100% of the elections Democrats and Republicans Win (Fast and Furious)

And on the Daily Show, guest host Michael Kosta ribbed Democrats for their week of DNC themes – Monday: For the People. Tuesday: A Bold Vision for America’s Future. Wednesday: A Fight for Our Freedoms. Thursday: For Our Future. How do you have themes that are so vague and then still run out of ideas by Thursday? This is like when the Fast and the Furious movies ran out of different ways to say that the movies would be fast and furious. —Michael Kosta

“Each night of the convention has its own theme, and tonight’s was ‘For the People.’ Yeah, it’s a big change from a month ago, when the theme was ‘For the Last Time, Please Drop Out.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“President Biden gave a speech highlighting his accomplishments. He talked about the economy, health care and how he walked to the podium.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Surprise, it’s Kamala! Which one month ago became the Democrats’ campaign slogan.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's being kept in a hospital overnight for observation (She broke the Kentucky rule)

“A Kentucky woman has been arrested for giving a 1-year-old child beer and rum. She broke the Kentucky rule — never mix beer and liquor.” —Conan O’Brien

After losing in Wisconsin, there has been a big shake-up in the Trump campaign staff. In fact, the guy in charge of racist comments is now in charge of sexist comments. –Conan O’Brien

“Vin Diesel said that "Fast and Furious 7" will win the Oscar for best picture. He's being kept in a hospital overnight for observation.”—Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Give me treats, you must (Solo de Mayo)

May 2022

“Guys, today is May the 4th, also known as Star Wars Day — as in ‘May the fourth be with you.’ That’s right, Star Wars’Day, or for guys in their 30s celebrating it, Solo de Mayo.” —Jimmy Fallon

“‘Star Wars’ is one of the only movie franchises with its own holiday. You don’t see anybody dressing up as Vin Diesel and wishing you a happy Fast 5th.’” —Mike Birbiglia

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She broke the Kentucky rule — never mix beer and liquor (How would you like to pay for that?)

“Nigeria just held their election and their incumbent president, whose actual name is Goodluck Jonathan, lost the race. He was beaten by his rival, Betterluck Jonathan.” —Conan O’Brien

“A Kentucky woman has been arrested for giving a 1-year-old child beer and rum. She broke the Kentucky rule — never mix beer and liquor.” —Conan O’Brien

“According to a new study, human waste contains gold and other special minerals. In the future this could make things awkward when a cashier asks, "How would you like to pay for that?"—Conan O’Brien

“Vin Diesel said that "Fast and Furious 7" will win the Oscar for best picture. He's being kept in a hospital overnight for observation.”—Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

America is perfectly happy to stay home and frack ourselves blind (Another unpaid job for Superman)

March 2022

“And luckily America produces a lot of its own oil. There’s Texas, there’s Alaska, there’s Rudy Giuliani, but it’s still not enough.” —Trevor Noah

“Like, if this keeps up, the next ‘Fast and Furious’ movie will take place on public transportation.” —Trevor Noah

“Meanwhile, in the battle, McDonald’s and Starbucks are cutting ties with Russia, both announcing they would temporarily close all locations in the country. No Starbucks, no McDonald’s — that’s a sad life to live. And no pick-me-up in the morning, no Happy Meals — or, as they call them in Russia, meals.” —Trevor Noah

“Yes. Russia just became a ‘no fry zone.’” —Stephen Colbert

“As a response to Russia’s escalation of bombings in Ukraine, Joe Biden banned all Russian imports of oil and gas to the US. Take that, Vlad! America doesn’t need your klepto-crude! America is perfectly happy to stay home and frack ourselves blind.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Republicans wanted every polling place to be at a yacht club (OK, I think I’m ready for my riddle)

June 2021

“The Senate voted yesterday to block the For the People voting rights bill, but not until they got their voting paperwork in order. Let’s see, I got my license, passport, tax returns, high school yearbook. OK, I think I’m ready for my riddle.” — Seth Meyers

“Senate Republicans haven’t been this happy since Kenny G started touring again.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, Democrats wanted things like automatic voter registration and Election Day to be a national holiday, while Republicans wanted every polling place to be at a yacht club.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Republican Senator Mike Lee said in an interview yesterday with Fox News host Sean Hannity that the For the People voting rights act was, quote, ‘written in hell by the devil himself,’ which is also what it says on the poster for ‘F9.’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How would they get on my private jet? (Groucho Marxism)

June 2012

"A new report found that President Obama's campaign spent $6 million more than it raised last month. Which explains why his latest campaign ad ended with the phrase, 'I'm Barack Obama and I'm selling some old CDs on Craigslist.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that only 31 percent of Americans would want to sit next to Mitt Romney on a flight. Romney was so upset, he was like, 'I don't understand. How would they get on my private jet?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today President Obama used his executive privilege to withhold documents about a weapons operation called 'Fast and Furious.' I don't know what's scarier: that we can't see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

How would we know how much more furious they get? (Rest in profits)

“During an interview with ABC News on Tuesday night, Trump told David Muir that he had decided to keep the task force in operation. He also said that he believed more American deaths would be possible as the country began to reopen, and that grieving families would be happy with the economic results. That’s right, for Trump, the priority right now isn’t to try to stop the pandemic; it’s to open up the country no matter what. I mean, how can you get rid of the task force fighting the pandemic while the pandemic is still growing? That makes no sense. Can you imagine if they stopped after ‘Fast and Furious 6?’ How would we know how much more furious they get?” —Trevor Noah

“[imitating Trump] What I’m trying to say is, yeah, a lot of people are going to die, and I am washing my hands of it.” — Stephen Colbert

“That is colder than the caves of Pluto. Imagine that obituary: ‘He is survived by two sons, a granddaughter, and a raging economy. He would be rich if he wasn’t dead. Rest in profits.’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

even Jesus stopped at one sequel! (The Fate of the Furious)

You know what everyone’s talking about? The White House Easter Egg Roll. It was really cute. They had a miniature podium where kids could pretend to be Trump’s press secretary. The winner got some candy, while the loser got the job. –Jimmy Fallon

The latest “Fast and the Furious” movie, “The Fate of the Furious,” had one of the biggest Easter box office openings of all time. Even Jesus was like, “Those guys came back AGAIN? I mean, even I stopped at one sequel!” –Jimmy Fallon

A new poll finds that more than half of American adults say they’ve smoked marijuana. While the other half said, “Wait ... what was the question?” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

The president has vowed to move on to the next republican disaster (and punish the poor)

It was a tough weekend at the White House. After seven years of saying they were going to replace Obamacare, the Republican healthcare bill failed on Friday. It’s sad, isn’t it? Seven years. The Republicans couldn’t come up with a replacement for Obamacare in seven years. They made four “Fast & Furious” movies in that time. –James Corden

The Republicans may have gotten a little ahead of themselves, because hours after the healthcare bill failed, there were actually commercials that aired on national television thanking congressional Republicans for passing the bill. The ad then went on to congratulate “La La Land” on their best picture Oscar. –James Corden

You know, you can see why they thought TrumpCare would pass. Winning with less votes worked for Trump in November. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

No, thanks, that guy’s crazy (Fast and Furious)

Donald Trump says, if elected, he is willing to “accept” a visit by Kim Jong Un. Kim Jong Un said, "No, thanks, that guy’s crazy." –Conan O’Brien

Oprah has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. When asked about Hillary’s chances of becoming the most powerful woman in the world, Oprah said, "Oh, I’m not stepping down." –Conan O’Brien

Oscar winner Helen Mirren confirmed that she will be appearing in the eighth "Fast and Furious" film. She’ll be playing a respected actress who needs the money. –Conan O’Brien