“Wow,” said former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich from prison (open casket/cognitive infrastructure)

A skydiver uploaded a video of himself yesterday jumping out of a plane and solving a Rubik’s cube during free fall. And to prove that he actually solved it, the funeral was open casket. –Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, Chris Christie currently has the lowest approval rating for any governor in any state, in over 20 years. “Wow,” said former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich from prison. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Russia was in my cereal this morning (I’m sorry, that should be 70-24-36)

According to a new poll, Chris Christie currently has the lowest approval rating for any governor in any state, in over 20 years. ”Wow,” said former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich from prison. –Seth Meyers

President Trump today met with executives from the pharmaceutical industry, and they once again explained to him that there’s no such thing as Viagra for your hands. –Seth Meyers

Happy birthday to Dolly Parton, who turned 70 today. I’m sorry, that should be 70-24-36. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

today she is denying that she used human growth hormone (I don't want to play with you anymore)

 

"How about this? Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary last night, huh? It was a surprising victory and today she is denying that she used human growth hormone." –David Letterman

"Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 Years in prison. His barber got the death penalty." –David Letterman

 

"Condoleezza Rice was in Rome and she visited the Vatican and all the priests were very happy to see her. And everybody kept asking her 'What's it like to be celibate?'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We don't want your socialist ideas around here (That's a long time, even for a leprechaun)

A new Quinnipiac University poll has Trump and Clinton almost tied. This is the first tie for Donald Trump that wasn't manufactured in China. –Jimmy Kimmel

"British Petroleum is running with this, I guess. Their company newsletter has an article that says most gulf residents aren't upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some of the counts Rod Blagojevich was convicted of carry 10- to 20-year sentences, so he could be facing up to 300 years in prison. That's a long time, even for a leprechaun." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Stop pointing out our lies and hypocrisy! (New pants)

And finally, a man in England claims that his penis swelled to the size of a wine bottle recently after fracturing his urethra. When asked how he was treating it, the man said, "New pants." --Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, Chris Christie currently has the lowest approval rating for any governor in any state, in over 20 years. ”Wow,” said former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich from prison. –Seth Meyers

That's right. President Trump's childhood home in Queens is currently up for sale. And according to "The Wall Street Journal," one of the bedrooms features a sign pointing to the spot where he was likely conceived. It's sort of a map for any time travelers looking to save the world. --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump’s campaign released a statement announcing he will boycott tomorrow’s debate, saying, “Roger Ailes and Fox News think they can toy with him, but Mr. Trump doesn’t play games.” A statement that would carry a lot more weight if Trump hadn’t LITERALLY hosted a game show. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means? (That's a long time, even for a leprechaun)

"It's Day 71 of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They just did a poll that says only 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP, to which I say, 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP? That's 18 million people. Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some of the counts Rod Blagojevich was convicted of carry 10- to 20-year sentences, so he could be facing up to 300 years in prison. That's a long time, even for a leprechaun." –Jimmy Kimmel

"BP is running with this, I guess. Their company newsletter has an article that says most gulf residents aren't upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security." –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is upset today because so many of his former Republican rivals have not endorsed him. He says he feels like he is running against two parties because none of the guys have jumped in to lend their support. Which makes no sense at all. Donald Trump has been nothing but nice to them. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled twelve-year-old (Painting blue balls green)

March 2012

“Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled twelve-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is determined to win the Southerners back for the general election. His slogan down there is now ‘Romney: Oh right, like you’re gonna vote for the black guy.’” –Bill Maher 

“Today is St. Patrick’s Day Eve, the traditional day where Irish Americans drink all the booze they bought for tomorrow night’s party and the day when Rick Santorum paints his blue balls green.” –Bill Maher

“You know what's kind of ironic? This will be the fourth St. Patrick's Day of Obama's presidency. He still hasn't created a green job. What happened to those?” –Jay Leno

“Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich made his final public appearance yesterday, before beginning his 14-year prison term. No word on who his cell mate is yet. It's probably a good chance it's another former Illinois governor.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives (Charles Manson in Charge)

June 2011

"Michele Bachmann said her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa, is the birthplace of John Wayne, when it is actually the birthplace of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. She then said her favorite sitcom from the 80s is 'Charles Manson in Charge.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich says he does not support gay marriage. He says marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives." –Conan O'Brien

"Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of trying to sell President Obama's Senate seat. As the verdict was read, Blagojevich's face remained expressionless while his hair remained ridiculous." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He'll probably do somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and Lil Wayne (He could just flap his ears and fly anywhere)

“President Obama’s security left traffic in Los Angeles paralyzed. It took some people two hours to get home from work, when it usually only takes 96 minutes. I don't understand why the president has to drive. He could just flap his ears and fly anywhere." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After three weeks of jury deliberations, Rod Blagojevich was convicted yesterday on only one of the 24 counts against him. The one count he was convicted for? Transporting illegally silky hair across state lines. He could get up to five years, though that's very unlikely. He'll probably do somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and Lil Wayne." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to the Wall Street Journal, there is a growing movement among Democrats to replace Joe Biden as VP with Hillary Clinton in 2012. Do you realize that if that happens, for the first time Hillary will be directly under a president." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This could be a thousand guys living in the Village (Sure, now they’re showing us their papers)

"President Obama is in town for an appearance on 'The View.' He probably won’t get a word in edgewise, but he said he’s used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law." –David Letterman

"A guy in New York robbed a bank wearing clown pants, a wig, and a bra. I thought to myself, This could be a thousand guys living in the Village." –David Letterman

"Elmhurst, Illinois wants to make it illegal to roll your eyes in public. But what if Rod Blagojevich comes to town and declares his innocence?" –David Letterman

"A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, 'Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.'" –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Iran's president won big, everywhere — in big cities, rural areas, even in Florida (Oh, they're good)

"Iran is bracing itself for their upcoming presidential election. President Ahmadinejad is behind in the polls. I think it's because of his campaign slogan, 'Vote for me, and I won't cut off your hand.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Iran had its presidential election. President Ahma-Dinna-Jacket was way behind in the polls. And then, lo and behold, he won big, everywhere — in big cities, rural areas, even in Florida." --Craig Ferguson

"Election returns are kind of hard to believe. According to the numbers, both opposition candidates lost to Ahma-Dinna-Jacket in their hometowns. That's like Barack Obama losing in the city of Chicago. I'm not, in any way, suggesting Iranian politics are as corrupt as Chicago, but even Blagojevich is like, 'Oh, they're good.'" --Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

If President Obama came out in favor of oxygen, Republicans would suffocate themselves (smack, crack, and pot)

"How's this for hypocrisy? While Congress has been chastising companies for giving out bonuses, last year, members of Congress gave out over $9 million in bonuses, paid for by the taxpayer, to their staff. But Congress is saying they're not hypocrites because this extra money they give their staff really isn't bonus money. It's hush money. They just call it bonus money for legal reasons." --Jay Leno

"And months after Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was convicted for taking illegal gifts and lost his re-election, the Justice Department now wants all charges dropped. Apparently, there was such misconduct by the prosecution that he's going to be a free man and he gets to keep all the gifts. When he heard that, Rod Blagojevich announced he is moving to Alaska." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy's in rough shape. It's terrible. In fact, you know Snap, Crackle, and Pop? Well, they were arrested today for selling smack, crack, and pot." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Rush Limbaugh's stimulus package is just a package containing a big bottle of stimulants (independence, individuality, integrity)

"In Washington, in response to President Obama's stimulus package, Rush Limbaugh proposed his own stimulus package. That's true. You see, that's what this country needs. What we need is a stimulus package proposed by a fat DJ. That's what's going to set the country back on track." --Craig Ferguson

"Actually, Rush Limbaugh's stimulus package is just a package containing a big bottle of stimulants." --Craig Ferguson

"Rod Blagojevich is now out of a job, he's disgraced, he's unpopular. In fact today, he got a note from President Bush saying, 'Hey, welcome to the club.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

JOKES: I did not know the reality show would actually become a reality

I’ve been making a lot of jokes about this presidency becoming a reality show. I did not know the reality show would actually become a reality. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump has nominated someone to serve on the Supreme Court. He was supposed to announce his pick on Thursday but then yesterday he tweeted that he’d made his decision and would announce it live tonight. This is the first time a Supreme Court nomination has ever interrupted an episode of “NCIS.” –Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new poll, Chris Christie currently has the lowest approval rating for any governor in any state, in over 20 years. ”Wow,” said former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich from prison. –Seth Meyers

His barber got the death penalty

"Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 Years in prison. His barber got the death penalty." –David Letterman



"Blago got 5 years for corruption and 9 years for appearing on "Celebrity Apprentice.'" –David Letterman



"Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts." –David Letterman 





"Donald Trump is hosting a debate in Iowa, but so far Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum are the only presidential candidates to RSVP. Rick Santorum actually requested a plus one — you know, so he could bring all of his supporters." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse photography

That's a long time, even for a leprechaun

"Rod Blagojevich was convicted of extortion, wire fraud, bribery, and criminal abuse of styling mousse." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Some of the counts Blagojevich was convicted of carry 10- to 20-year sentences, so he could be facing up to 300 years in prison. That's a long time, even for a leprechaun." –Jimmy Kimmel



"A senior al-Qaida leader was arrested in Afghanistan and he was disguised as a woman. Police became suspicious after he was seen stoning himself." –Conan O'Brien 



John Hulse painting

A sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives

"Michele Bachmann said her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa, is the birthplace of John Wayne, when it is actually the birthplace of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. She then said her favorite sitcom from the 80s is 'Charles Manson in Charge.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Newt Gingrich says he does not support gay marriage. He says marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives." –Conan O'Brien



"Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of trying to sell President Obama's Senate seat. As the verdict was read, Blagojevich's face remained expressionless while his hair remained ridiculous." –Conan O'Brien



John Hulse painting