Friday, September 30, 2016
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Cops became suspicious when Trump’s mouth wasn’t moving (ready to die)
A
man in Washington State was fined this week for trying to drive in a carpool
lane with a cardboard cutout of Donald Trump glued to his passenger seat. Cops
became suspicious when Trump’s mouth wasn’t moving. –Seth Meyers
SpaceX
CEO Elon Musk announced plans yesterday to colonize Mars, saying the main requirement
for early settlers would be that they are, quote “ready to die.” Said Hillary,
“I’ll let you know November 9th.” –Seth Meyers
It’s
reported that even the Taliban actually had a debate viewing party. So for the
first time, it looks like they’re torturing themselves. –Jimmy Fallon
Singer Katy Perry got naked and told people to vote (our only available options)
But
the good news is, while Trumps net worth may be down, his self-worth is at an
all-time high. –Jimmy Kimmel
Yesterday
was National Register to Vote Day. Singer Katy Perry got naked and told people
to vote. The video got like 6 million views already. Hopefully it encouraged
people to sign up. But here’s the thing: Anyone who needs Katy Perry to take
her shirt off in order to register to vote should not be allowed to register to
vote. –Jimmy Kimmel
It’s
our responsibility as Americans to register to vote, to go to our local polling
places, and make a choice between two people nobody can believe are our only
available options. –Jimmy Kimmel
the No. 1 question for the next presidential debate is, “hey, u up?”
The
organizer of the presidential debates is allowing social media users to vote on
debate questions. That’s why, as of today, the No. 1 question for the next
presidential debate is “hey, u up?” –Conan O’Brien
Last
night, Donald Trump told an audience that before Monday’s debate — this is a
quote — “I pretended I was talking to my family.” Then he admitted he
frequently accuses his family of deleting emails and creating ISIS. –Conan
O’Brien
According
to Forbes magazine, Donald Trump’s wealth is down $800 million from last year.
He’s only worth $3.7 billion now, and I’ll tell you something, Mexico is going
to pay for it. –Jimmy Kimmel
Hillary’s not too worried, because the debate’s only 90 minutes (speak more goodly)
Hillary
Clinton is campaigning with Bernie Sanders for the millennial vote. They’re
trying to get millennials with the opening line, “Hey, our combined age is
approximately one millennium.” –Conan O’Brien
At
the next debate, Donald Trump is threatening to talk about all of Bill
Clinton’s affairs. Hillary’s not too worried, because the debate’s only 90
minutes. –Conan O’Brien
Donald
Trump is still being mocked for promising in the debate to “cut taxes bigly.”
Trump has apologized, and promised in the next debate he’ll “speak more
goodly.” –Conan O’Brien
Why’d you have to do this in OUR town? (torturing themselves)
The
second presidential debate is just 11 days away, and this one will have a town
hall format. The first question will be, “Why’d you have to do this in OUR
town?” –Jimmy Fallon
It’s
reported that even the Taliban actually had a debate viewing party. So for the
first time, it looks like they’re torturing themselves. –Jimmy Fallon
President
Obama’s upcoming South by South Lawn festival at the White House will have a
virtual reality psychological experiment that makes you feel like you’re in a
small jail cell. Or as Obama calls it, “the Oval Office.” –Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday,
a group of Democratic senators sent a letter to Yahoo asking why they took so
long to report the hack of 500 million users. That’s how little faith they have
in Yahoo email — they sent a LETTER. –Jimmy Fallon
Who's writing their speeches now -- Mr. T? (The W Generation)
"Vice President Dick
Cheney has donated $2.7 million to the hospital at the George Washington
University. He wants to make sure the next guy he shoots is taken care of
first-class." --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney is
donating more than $2 million to the cardiac center that treats him. Well in
Cheney's case, it's not really a donation, it's an advance." --Conan
O'Brien
"Iran said they will
inflict harm and pain on the United States if we try to stop their nuclear
program. Who's writing their speeches now -- Mr. T?" --Jay Leno
You know what that means. She could really be the next president of the United States (last throes)
"It's now believed
Iran has the capability to make nuclear weapons but hasn't done it yet. Which
could be big trouble, because if there's one thing the Bush Administration won’t
tolerate, it’s a middle eastern country that could have weapons of mass
destruction, that doesn’t." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today,
President Bush flew to New Orleans. There was an awkward moment when the
president looked around and said 'Oh my god, what the hell happened
here?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Hillary Clinton said
today that she didn't know her husband, Bill Clinton, was giving the Arabs
advice on the port deal while she was ruling against it. Can you believe
that? Hillary was clueless about a
major political event. You know what that means. She could really be the next
president of the United States." --Jay Leno
Apparently they're too good for our ports. That is so racist (they never got that far)
"Dubai backed out of
the deal to buy the six American ports today. They're gone, they're out. I'll
tell you why: Apparently they're too good for our ports. That is so
racist." --Jon Stewart
"Lobbyist and
convicted felon Jack Abramoff said he is good friends with indicted Congressman
Tom DeLay, and sometimes they sit down and they discuss the Bible together.
Apparently they didn't discuss the 'Thou shalt not steal' commandment.
Apparently they never got that far." --Jay Leno
"Republicans in
Congress want to stop the sale of those six sea ports to that Dubai company
even though President Bush supports that deal. Republican congressmen say this
issue involves something even more important than loyalty to the president:
Saving their own asses on election day in November." --Jay Leno
This is the biggest setback for the Bush administration, well, all day (strip-mining her family)
"Gale Norton, the
woman who has been our secretary of the interior for the last five years, the
one guarding our environment, you know, she's stepping down. She says she wants
to spend more time strip-mining her family."--Bill Maher
"To get even with us,
the United Arab Emirates is talking about not buying any American made
products. Looks like we got them there too. We don't make any products in
America anymore." --Jay Leno
"Dubai announced they
will sell ownership of the six American ports to another investor. The bad
news: It's Iran. This is the biggest setback for the Bush administration, well,
all day." --Jay Leno
The Pentagon is having some weird feelings (gay dudes, pt. 2)
"The Pentagon
admitted it's been spying on gay groups. The Pentagon also admitted that since
it's started spying on gay groups, it's been having some weird feelings."
--Conan O'Brien
"President Bush on Tuesday reluctantly released portions of the classified report that stated the war in Iraq is adding to the terrorist threat throughout the world. Though suspiciously in some portions of the report, someone had crossed out Iraq and written in, 'Gay dudes'." --Amy Poehler of Saturday Night Live
"This was a little
frightening. Over the weekend, the Royal Mounted Police up in Canada busted a
group of Canadian terrorists -- a Canadian al Qaeda group. About 19 of them.
Their motto was: 'Death to America, ey?' The Canadian terrorist group was led
by Canadian mastermind, Gordy bin Laden." --David Letterman
Today it just said, 'Eat me.' (Ahem!...)
"Bush said today
canceling [the ports deal] sends a bad message to the Arab world. You know, not
like invading their countries, putting them on leashes, making them masturbate,
but bad." --Bill Maher
"An unnamed American
entity is going to take over. The rumor is that it's Halliburton. Talk about
arrogant. You know that sign Bush stands in front of all the time with the
writing on it? Today it just said, 'Eat me.'" --Bill Maher
"They're finally
closing the Abu Grab-ass prison. I don't know if there's a coincidence, but
it's the same week they're closing Neverland." --Bill Maher
The investigation will be conducted by the Department of Irony
"Pentagon records
show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. Army have deserted
since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy."
--Tina Fey
"Because of various
security lapses, some senators are calling for a probe of the security at the
offices of the Department of Homeland Security. The investigation will be
conducted by the Department of Irony." --Amy Poehler
"More people,
particularly Republicans, disapprove of President Bush's performance. They're
questioning his character now and they no longer consider him a strong leader
on terrorism. Yeah, apparently there's a little more to this whole presidency
thing than just not getting blown." --Bill Maher
so Bush didn't have to constantly explain to the rest of the world what dicks we are
"It was the same old
script. The president said, Hey, let's take the time to gather the evidence and
discuss this reasonably. And the electorate said No, our mind is made up in
advance. Even an ask questions first, shoot later type like Bush is no match
for fearmongers who try to relate everything to the war on terror. And you know
who you are, everyone but the president." --Daily Show correspondent Rob
Corddry
"Bush is the one
who has to travel the world talking to these foreign leaders. Have you seen
what he had to do to Air Force One? He had to add a maple leaf to the back. He
added a maple leaf just so he didn't have to constantly explain to the rest of
the world what dicks we are." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry
"South Dakota Gov.
Mike Rounds on Monday signed legislation banning almost all abortions in the
state. As a result, South Dakota is changing its motto from 'Under God, the
People Rule' to 'You should have thought of that before prom.'" --Tina Fey
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Democrats were divided between two strong emotions: panic and pants-crapping
Ahead
of tonight’s debate, Hillary Clinton posted an article on Twitter pointing out
that no living president has endorsed Donald Trump. Nice try, Hillary, but it
just so happens that Vladimir Putin is living. –Seth Meyers
Madonna
reportedly bought her son a Donald Trump piñata this weekend to celebrate his
birthday. A Donald Trump piñata is just like a regular piñata, except there’s
nothing inside. –Seth Meyers
We
all just watched Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton debate for an hour and a
half. Coming into tonight’s debate, Democrats were divided between two strong
emotions: panic and pants-crapping. –Stephen Colbert
Democrats
have not been this nervous since Anthony Weiner asked to borrow their phone.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump had to not commit murder — on camera. –Stephen Colbert
I think I’ve heard this one before, but go ahead (the series finale of America)
The
experts said in order to win, Hillary Clinton had to project an image of
competence, experience, wisdom, health, and vitality, without coming off as
angry, bookish, or overbearing. Donald Trump had to not mention his genitals.
–Jimmy Kimmel
This
was expected to be the most-watched debate ever. The ratings were expected to
rank up with the finale of “Cheers,” the finale of “M.A.S.H.” Makes sense, in a
way this election feels like the series finale of America. –Jimmy Kimmel
After
tonight’s debate, several Fox News analysts said that Hillary Clinton was the
clear winner. So maybe global warming IS a hoax because hell has frozen over.
–Seth Meyers
Pundits
are noting that this year’s group of debate moderators is the most diverse in
history, featuring an African-American, two women, a Filipino, and an openly
gay man. Trump was like, “I think I’ve heard this one before, but go ahead.”
–Seth Meyers
The choice is pretty orange-and-white (he got hit by a car afterwards, but it was still awesome)
Tonight
was the first presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton and
honestly, I meant to watch it, I really did, but right before the debate aired,
I was flipping through my DVR and I ended up watching this show called
“MacGyver.” It is a reboot of the ’80s show. Well, it has everything. It has
action. It has adventure. He made a parachute out of the canopy of a truck!
[Clip voiceover] “Take one canvas, add some tie-downs, a little wind
resistance, you got yourself a parachute.” I mean sure, he got hit by a car
afterwards, but it was still awesome. –James Corden
Tonight
the main event from Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York: Donald Trump vs.
Hillary Clinton in the first of three presidential debates. It was a long 90
minutes. But the results are in and not a single voter changed their mind. A
huge waste of time. It’s very hard to believe that there are still undecided
voters. The choice is pretty orange-and-white. –Jimmy Kimmel
Facebook is shutting down (Please, please, please be yourself)
Facebook
is expanding its campaign to combat online hate speech. In other words,
Facebook is shutting down. –Conan O’Brien
Scientists
now say life on Earth may have started after an accidental mashup between DNA
and RNA. When asked for comment, Larry King said, “That was one crazy weekend,
man.” –Conan O’Brien
Before
tonight’s debate, President Obama told Hillary Clinton, “Be yourself.” Then
Obama told Donald Trump, “Please, please, please be yourself.” –Conan O’Brien
Especially if they forgot to use birth control (congratulations to Dog the Bounty Hunter)
Hillary
Clinton has asked “Shark Tank’s” Mark Cuban to attend tonight’s debate. Trump
was furious and said, “A billionaire reality star has no business being at a
presidential debate.” –Conan O’Brien
A
new study says men who have more sex are more likely to pray. Especially if
they forgot to use birth control. –Conan O’Brien
On
Friday, Donald Trump added more names to his list of potential candidates for
the Supreme Court. So congratulations to Judge Judy and Dog the Bounty Hunter.
–Conan O’Brien
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