They're called colleges (10 percent)

"A CNN poll showed that the Congress approval rating is down to 10 percent. That still doesn't seem low enough. Do one out of 10 people really approve of the job Congress is doing? And who are these people? I want to work for them." –Jimmy Kimmel

The Santee Sioux Tribe is getting ready to open what they call America's first marijuana resort, further cementing South Dakota's status as party capital of the U.S. They claim this will be the first marijuana resort, but there are already thousands of marijuana resorts in this country. They're called colleges. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Commander, say hello to Cricket for me (microplastics, asbestos, lead, mercury)

One likely also-ran for the job of Trump’s Vice President is the South Dakota governor, Kristi Noem, who triggered backlash last week for the admission in her memoir that she killed her puppy Cricket for being disobedient. 

Further excerpts from her book don’t make her look less like Cruella De Vil. In a later chapter, Noem talks about Joe Biden’s German shepherd, Commander, who has a history of biting Secret Service agents. Noem said if she were president, “the first thing I’d do is make sure Joe Biden’s dog was nowhere on the grounds (Commander, say hello to Cricket for me)”. 

That’s your ‘if I was president’ fantasy? What happens if she finds a genie’s lamp? ‘Three wishes? I guess kill a dog, kill a dog and time machine so I could go back and kill Hitler’s dog.’ —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Can’t Pay You (Iraq rememberer)

In a new book, South Dakota governor Kristi Noem revealed she once shot a dog that was untrainable. That’s insane. If a dog is untrainable you don’t shoot it. You give it to President Biden. —Colin Jost

Former President Trump for the first time in his trial wrote a message on a yellow Post-It note and handed it to his lawyer while making an argument. The Post-It read simply, ‘Can’t Pay You.’ —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, check out my new outfit. It’s a skin suit! (he really went for it)

Kristi Noem, the governor of South Dakota and a possible running mate for Donald Trump, in her new book, first obtained by the Guardian, Noem admitted to killing her dog. It was a 14-month-old wirehaired pointer named Cricket. It’s one thing to kill a dog named Cricket, it’s another to brag about it in a book. She thought telling that story would make her look cool. It’s horrible enough to kill a dog, but even crazier to brag about it. That’s a level of psycho I didn’t even know existed. Even Buffalo Bill [from The Silence of the Lambs] had the self-awareness to keep his abhorrent behavior indoors. He didn’t walk around town saying, ‘Hey, check out my new outfit. It’s a skin suit!’” —Seth Meyers

Noem defended her actions on X, formerly Twitter, writing: “tough decisions like this happen all the time on a farm” and that she just had to “put down 3 horses a few weeks ago”. Way to change the narrative. ‘Yeah, I killed a dog. But in my defense: also, three horses. Sleep with your eyes open, donkey!’ —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you don’t like untrainable animals that wolf down chicken, I have bad news about your party’s nominee (myths made up by millionaires)

If you like puppies, you’re not going to like Kristi Noem. The governor of South Dakota and a possible running mate for Donald Trump, in her new book, first obtained by the Guardian, Noem admitted to killing her dog. Now, I know that sounds terrible, but it’s much worse. Because this wasn’t some rabid, 90 pound hell hound on a meth bender. It was a 14-month-old wirehaired pointer named Cricket.

It is worth pointing out: no one made Noem confess to puppy-snuffing. She volunteered this information, even saying: “I guess if I were a better politician I wouldn’t tell the story here.” So, why? Why did Cricket need to kick it? According to Noem, the puppy was “untrainable”. Well yeah! She was 14 months old!

Noem wrote – again, in a story no one asked her to tell us, that she took Cricket on a pheasant hunt that the puppy ruined, going “out of her mind with excitement, chasing all those birds and having the time of her life”. But who among us hasn’t seen a dog running through the fields, not a care in the world, and thought ‘you deserve to die.’

Cricket then made the fatal mistake of continuing to be a normal puppy on the way home. Noem wrote that on the way home, Cricket attacked her neighbor’s chickens. Governor Noem, if you don’t like untrainable animals that wolf down chicken, I have bad news about your party’s nominee. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Republicans are like ‘all right, we live in Sioux Falls now, who cares.’ (imagine all the wonderful dancing that would’ve been outlawed at his inaugural ball)

Mike Pence terminated his four-month-long campaign over the weekend. Speaking to a conference of Jewish Republicans at the Venetian hotel in Las Vegas, Pence said: “It’s become clear to me that this is not my time. His time was 1956, and he missed it. It’s a shame that he’ll never be president. For one, imagine all the wonderful dancing that would’ve been outlawed at his inaugural ball. —Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump’s brain has obviously been mush for quite some time, but still somehow it seems noticeably worse, and I didn’t think that was possible. Over the weekend, Trump appeared to not know what state he was in, mistaking Sioux Falls, South Dakota, with Sioux City, Iowa. It’s telling how different the reactions are when Biden screws up versus when Trump screws up. When Biden so much as stumbles, Democrats everywhere are like, ‘oh fuck, fuck, who else can we get?! There’s nobody!’ And when Trump screws up, Republicans are like ‘all right, we live in Sioux Falls now, who cares.’ —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You should have thought of that before prom (Get off my property)

"South Dakota Gov. Mike Rounds on Monday signed legislation banning almost all abortions in the state. As a result, South Dakota is changing its motto from 'Under God, the People Rule' to 'You should have thought of that before prom.'" --Tina Fey

"Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. Army have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy." --Tina Fey

"This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains." --Tina Fey

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How many fingers am I holding up? (The suit of the century)

"In South Dakota, they have banned pretty much all abortions. Boy, now there's really nothing to do in South Dakota." --Bill Maher

"That's what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell 'AK-47!' and a lady yelled, 'Bingo!'" --Bill Maher

"And they say they're not going to make the same mistake as they did last time. They're going to do a much more thorough job vetting than John McCain did with you-know-who. They said this time they're going to ask probing questions like, 'Can you read? And 'How many fingers am I holding up?'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Did you know that 150 is the new 130? (Boy, now there's really nothing to do in South Dakota)

 

"The New York Times printed a story that said in John McCain's last campaign in 2000, he was apparently acting so sprung on a lobbyist lady that his staff had to c---block the senior citizen from Arizona from sweeping this chick right off her feet and onto his motorized shopping cart. John McCain's pick-up line is, 'Did you know that 150 is the new 130?'" –Bill Maher

"In South Dakota, they have banned pretty much all abortions. Boy, now there's really nothing to do in South Dakota." --Bill Maher

"Morgan Stanley today was looking for a merger partner on eHarmony. I'm telling you. You know these Sunni militias in Iraq that we're bribing not to shoot at us? Now they want to be paid in Euros." --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For them, life is like Waffle House after 2am – there are no rules (Let’s get back to basics, people)

October 2021

“A massive collection of documents revealing the tax-dodging strategies of the ultra-rich has been leaked to the public. The so-called ‘Pandora papers’ is the largest trove of leaked offshore data in history, containing more than 11.9m files from 14 offshore service providers. On one level, it isn’t surprising that rich people avoid paying taxes. I mean, these are the world’s elites. For them, life is like Waffle House after 2am – there are no rules.” —Trevor Noah

“But it’s still eye-opening to see just what lengths they go to to hide their wealth. They’ve gotten offshore havens, they’ve got dummy corporations, they’ve got teams of accountants. I mean, call me old-fashioned, but whatever happened to just putting your money in a big treasure chest and burying it in the sand? Let’s get back to basics, people.” —Trevor Noah

“Following on from the Panama papers in 2016 and the Paradise papers in 2017, the Pandora papers reveal the places and rules that allow the ultra-rich to shelter wealth and skirt taxes – including, surprisingly, South Dakota, whose trusts now hold $370 Billion in assets, up from $60 Billion a decade ago. American billionaires aren’t among the wealthy sheltering their money in the state, however, since lax US tax codes make such effort unnecessary. Not having a tax haven problem because your tax laws are already so easy on wealthy people – that, my friends, is rock and roll. It almost makes me feel bad for American billionaires though, because hiding the money is part of the fun. It’s like trying to rob a bank but they just give you the cash when you walk in.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Obama could stop that with three words (It's called Washington, D.C.)

July 2011

"On CNN, Tim Pawlenty accused President Obama of 'hiding in the basement' during debt ceiling talks. While Joe Biden accused President Obama of 'locking him in the basement' during debt ceiling talks." –Jimmy Fallon

"Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: 'President Joe Biden.'" –Jay Leno

"We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month." –Jay Leno

"The entire town of Scenic, South Dakota is for sale for $799,000. You can buy the whole city. Twelve acres! It has a saloon, a post office, and 15 Starbucks. It's not unusual to buy an entire city. We've been doing that for years. It's called Washington, D.C." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He admits he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East (fighting fire with fire)

"Republican Senator Tom Coburn said yesterday that Christine O'Donnell, if elected, will be able to combat the stupidity in Washington. So I guess they're going to fight fire with fire." –Jay Leno

"It's getting very nasty in Louisiana in the Senate race down there. The Democrat that's running has a two-minute TV ad about Republican Sen. David Vitter, which features the hooker that Vitter paid $300 to. It's a two-minute ad. And here's the embarrassing part for Vitter: the ad lasted a minute longer than he did." –Jay Leno

"South Dakota Senator John Thune says he's talked to his wife about running for president in 2012. And of course his wife had the same question that we all have: 'Who are you again?'" –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama told voters that he's a Christian. But you see how Fox News reported it? They said Obama admits he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the first person in South Dakota to see a black man (they are going to re-invade Margaritaville)

"Here is a little difference between our country and Great Britain: Prince Harry -- third in line to the Royal Throne -- he's going to Iraq. He's going to be in a tank unit. On the other hand, the Bush twins are getting tanked ... and they are going to re-invade Margaritaville." --Bill Maher

"Democratic presidential candidate Tom Vilsack announced today he has dropped out of the race. The reason cited? He's Tom Vilsack. ... Now the hard part? Telling his supporter" --Jay Leno

"Former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack announced today he's dropping out of the 2008 presidential race. Vilsack said he dropped out because he has incredibly low name recognition, and that was among his wife and children." --Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Barack Obama was endorsed by former Senator Tom Daschle of South Dakota. Daschle is the first major Democrat to endorse Obama, and the first person in South Dakota to see a black man." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He was actually losing to low-fat milk (Obama changes his mind 2008 version 1)

"According to the Huffington Post, it's being reported that Barack Obama may name Indiana Senator Evan Bayh as his vice-presidential running mate tomorrow. Tomorrow, that's what. Here's what we know about Evan Bayh. He was going to run for president, then he dropped out after getting less than 2% of the vote. Less that 2%! He was actually losing to low-fat milk." --Jay Leno

"And Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind. I guess that's what that was." --Jay Leno

"Hey, you see John McCain was at the country's biggest motorcycle rally. He was in Sturgis, South Dakota. You know, where all the Harley guys go? McCain showed up in a customized Rascal scooter." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Well, screw the money. Just give us the weed (The redneck Holy Trinity)

In honor of 4/20, Ben and Jerry's introduced a new menu item that's an ice cream waffle cone taco with fudge called a "Choloco." Or as stoners put it, "You had us at ice cream . . . And then you had us at waffle and then cone and then taco!" –Jimmy Fallon

 Legal marijuana in South Dakota could help boost funding for teachers. And teachers said, "Well, screw the money. Just give us the weed." –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock met with Trump in the Oval Office — or as they're more commonly known, "The redneck Holy Trinity." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Boy, now there's really nothing to do in South Dakota (Bush Legacy)

"In South Dakota, they have banned pretty much all abortions. Boy, now there's really nothing to do in South Dakota." --Bill Maher

"It's Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Everybody has Mardi Gras fever. I was watching the 'Today' show earlier today and Tom Cruise was lecturing Matt Lauer about jambalaya." --David Letterman

"They have the big parade down in New Orleans and this year FEMA has a float, but it's not expected 'til labor day." --David Letterman

so Bush didn't have to constantly explain to the rest of the world what dicks we are

"It was the same old script. The president said, Hey, let's take the time to gather the evidence and discuss this reasonably. And the electorate said No, our mind is made up in advance. Even an ask questions first, shoot later type like Bush is no match for fearmongers who try to relate everything to the war on terror. And you know who you are, everyone but the president." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

"Bush is the one who has to travel the world talking to these foreign leaders. Have you seen what he had to do to Air Force One? He had to add a maple leaf to the back. He added a maple leaf just so he didn't have to constantly explain to the rest of the world what dicks we are." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

"South Dakota Gov. Mike Rounds on Monday signed legislation banning almost all abortions in the state. As a result, South Dakota is changing its motto from 'Under God, the People Rule' to 'You should have thought of that before prom.'" --Tina Fey

This is what makes him relatable to voters

Donald Trump finished 121 on the list and he's not happy about that. Forbes says he has a net worth of $4.5 billion, but he says that's wrong, "I'm worth $11.5 billion." This is what makes him relatable to voters. –Jimmy Kimmel

Forbes stands by their estimate but Trump said they're trying to make him look as poor as possible. Saying someone has $4.5 billion makes them look poor? Underprivileged maybe, but not poor. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Santee Sioux Tribe is getting ready to open what they call America's first marijuana resort, further cementing South Dakota's status as party capital of the U.S. They claim this will be the first marijuana resort, but there are already thousands of marijuana resorts in this country. They're called colleges. –Jimmy Kimmel