It’s like letting Hannibal Lecter babysit your most delicious child (So all of the former president’s love languages)

January 2023

“Meta has decided to reinstate Donald Trump to Facebook and Instagram on Thursday evening. I mean, letting Trump back on Facebook is crazy. You’re just asking for trouble. It’s like letting Hannibal Lecter babysit your most delicious child.” —Wanda Sykes

“Let’s try an experiment to test out Trump’s return to Meta’s platforms. I think for the first week, they should only allow him to post cat photos. Let’s see how it goes. And if you see a bunch of cats storming the Capitol – although adorable, shut it down.” —Wanda Sykes

“Donald Trump’s two-year ban on Meta platforms following January 6th has now expired, and Meta determined he could be reinstated because his ‘risk to public safety had sufficiently receded’. The risk has receded because he’s been gone! I don’t understand Meta’s logic. It’s like thinking, ‘you know, between knife thrusts, Jack the Ripper is a pretty chill dude.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Upon reinstatement, Trump must follow Meta’s updated community guidelines, which prohibit violence and incitement, fraud and deception, and hate speech. So all of the former president’s love languages.” —Stephen Colbert

“We are celebrating the 20th anniversary of his show, which premiered after the Super Bowl on 26 January 2003. When we started, there were no iPhones, there was no YouTube, there was no Uber, no Twitter, no wifi, no Netflix, no Google. We’ve been through two wars, a worldwide pandemic, four presidents, one insurrection, at least three different Kanyes. If you told me we were going to last longer than Blockbuster, I would’ve sooner believed I’d be working at Blockbuster in 20 years.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s not what you come for, but it’s why you stick around (Jeb Bush works at a Quiznos now)

October 2021

“I mentioned last night a trove of confidential internal Facebook documents were leaked to the press. The gist of them is that Facebook knew its technology was amplifying hate speech and misinformation. There was an internal memo written in 2019 that says, ‘We also have compelling evidence that our core product mechanics, such as vitality, recommendations, and optimizing for engagement, are a significant part of why these types of speech flourish on the platform.’ Their core product mechanics. That means hate and lies are baked directly into Facebook, like the cheese in a stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And another interesting detail is that Facebook engineers — they will prioritize the posts that get a lot of emoji reactions, including the anger emoji by 5-1 over just the regular like. The hate and the lies on Facebook — it’s like the nicotine in a cigarette: It’s not what you come for, but it’s why you stick around.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Yeah, that’s right, Facebook knew it was rewarding [expletive] posts as long as they generated an emotional response. And I’ll be honest, when I first heard about this, I was shocked because I couldn’t believe that Mark Zuckerberg knows what emotions are.” —Trevor Noah

“Although it does make sense because in regular life, we all put more value on things that produce an emotional response in us. You know, it’s why Donald Trump became president and Jeb Bush works at a Quiznos now.” —Trevor Noah

“Of course, everyone’s been talking about Facebook lately, and Mark Zuckerberg just announced that he’s ‘retooling’ the social media platform toward young adults and away from older users. Honestly, just make it a little harder to sign in, and you will never see an old person on Facebook.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The taxidermist leaves the skin (confuse the [expletive] out of everybody’s parents)

October 2021

“First, I don’t think the name is really the problem that people have with Facebook. Society is like ‘Yo, you are destroying democracy’ and Facebook is like ‘We hear you — what if we went by Bookface?’” —Trevor Noah

“Second, if you want to change your image, I don’t think you should trust Mark Zuckerberg to do that. I mean, have you seen this man’s haircut? It looks like he goes to the barber and asks him to give him the colonial child. You trust him with your makeover?” —Trevor Noah

“Moving on, Facebook is planning to rebrand the company with a new name. This comes as the company continues to expand its services beyond traditional social media. Facebook’s aim with the rebrand is to, quote, ‘confuse the [expletive] out of everybody’s parents.’” —James Corden

“Facebook is planning to rebrand the company. They’ve been plagued with scandals around misinformation, hate groups, selling people’s data, but they’re like ‘Yeah, we’ll change the name. That’s the problem, the name.’” —James Corden

“And here’s the craziest part, I don’t know if it’s been announced yet. The new name — the new name for Facebook? Steven.” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Best Fun Times America Website (do you really want to lose that name recognition?)

October 2021

“They’re still facing accusations of endangering teens, spreading misinformation and destroying democracy. So they’re doing the right thing: rebranding the company with a new name. But that new name is a closely guarded secret that’s not widely known, even among Facebook senior leadership. Well, that’s surprising. Facebook has leadership?” —Stephen Colbert

“Just in case they haven’t settled on one yet, we here at The Late Show have come up with a few appropriate names, like Pinsurrectionist, DikTok, Aunt Brenda’s Three-Paragraph Rant-a-torium, Best Fun Times America Website and the Washington Football Team.” —Stephen Colbert

“Yeah, the website will still be Facebook but the company is going to have a new name. And I don’t know if this is a good idea. I mean, Facebook is one of those iconic brands like Hiroshima and Ted Bundy — do you really want to lose that name recognition?” —Trevor Noah

“But I’m excited to find out what the new name is going to be. Like you know, I don’t know, maybe they’ll go with Myspace. I mean they already took everything else from them, might as well finish the job. Killed my friend Tom!” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because nothing says relaxed and stress-free like Clint Eastwood’s face (tearing down this unfair system)

October 2021

This week we found out that sometimes a guy in a hoodie actually can be dangerous. Internal documents show that Facebook knew its platform was used to spread hate and misinformation but they hid the evidence. Now the weird thing is that I went to school with Mark Zuckerberg and I was there when he created Facebook and I feel terrible. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine so I could go back to college and find Mark and say, ‘Hey man, can I be part of your company.’ —Colin Jost

Facebook is also denying a report that says using Instagram can cause users to develop a negative body image. Which explains their rivals new slogan, ‘TikTok, bring your fat ass over here.” —Colin Jost

Clint Eastwood was awarded $6 Million in a lawsuit against a company that illegally used his image to sell their cannabis products. Because nothing says relaxed and stress-free like Clint Eastwood’s face. —Colin Jost

Florida police discovered a meth lab on the fifteenth floor of a luxury condo building, which in Florida is something they list in the brochure. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ll show them all! Who’s thirsty now, Courtney? (I get my news from a more reliable source)

October 2021

“Speaking of destroying America, Mark Zuckerberg is pushing back after the bombshell testimony from a whistle-blower who gave Congress insight into what her former employer is up to. Zuckerberg fired back last night with the longest Facebook post ever recorded. This post was so long, I thought my Aunt Fran wrote it.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Up until now, Zuckerberg has been silent about a whistle-blower revealing that Facebook has misled the public about the negative effects of its platforms on children and teens, especially young girls, and that Facebook’s mechanics further the spread of misinformation. That’s why I’m not on Facebook. I get my news from a more reliable source: pantsless guy on the subway.” —Stephen Colbert

“Zuck actually posted a statement defending Facebook against charges that their algorithm encourages conflict, explaining, ‘I don’t know any tech company that sets out to build products that make people angry.’ Really? I do — it’s called cnn.com. Why is the video embedded in the article not about the article? If I click a link about the Albuquerque Balloon Festival, I don’t want to watch a video where Van Jones sits down with undecided voters after watching the same Humira ad twice!” —Stephen Colbert

“And it is, to say the least, not good that what amounts to a global public utility is controlled by one massive, secretive international conglomerate. It’s like finding out that all the drinking water in the world is controlled by some company called ‘Aqua Buds’ and it’s run by one weird little dude who created the company out of revenge because none of the cute girls at this college would give him a glass of water: ‘Oh, I’ll show them. I’ll show them all! Who’s thirsty now, Courtney?’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which then jolted the compshank’s codedox’s popknob causing a triple spanx zip-donk (pixel dock florpcord)

October 2021

“Well, in a statement, Facebook said the cause of the problem was, quote, ‘configuration changes on the backbone routers.’ Then they continued, ‘which caused the frontbone flexbox to dislodge the tungle switch and toggle the pixel dock florpcord, which then jolted the compshank’s codedox’s popknob causing a triple spanx zip-donk.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Everyone’s parents came this close to joining TikTok.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Besides Zuckerberg, it was also a rough time for conspiracy theorists because for conspiracy theorists, Facebook is basically their WebMD.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Facebook said that no user data was compromised during the blackout. It was not a hack, all your information is safe with them: your age, your height, weight, eye color, blood type, your birth date, your hopes, your dreams, your kidneys — all totally secure in the Facebook vaults.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Bill Gates wants to use your spine as a compass (It's EVERYWHERE)

October 2021

“Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you tonight from a room full of warriors. Heroes. Survivors. Forget World War II, this is the greatest generation, because yesterday, every single person in this room had to dig down deep within themselves and find the strength to make it through Facebook’s six-hour worldwide outage.” —Stephen Colbert

“A quick look at the cascading effects of the Facebook outage around the globe. In Mexico, politicians were cut off from constituents; in Turkey and Kenya, shopkeepers couldn’t sell their wares. And here in the United States, your aunt Gloria had to wait six full hours before ‘doing her own research’ about how the vaccines magnetize your blood because Bill Gates wants to use your spine as a compass.” —Stephen Colbert

“And as the company’s stock fell, its CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, lost $6 Billion in a few hours. Just 115 more to go, and he’ll have to sell his old stuff on Facebook Marketplace.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I ended up spending most of the day talking to my son. He’s really nice! (So I panicked)

October 2021

“Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp were down for several hours on Monday. It was so bad that the only way Facebook could let the world know what was going on — and this is true — was by posting a message on Twitter. ” —Stephen Colbert

“That must hurt. Facebook communicating problems on Twitter? That’s like Burger King running out of fries and having to announce it on a Big Mac.” —Stephen Colbert

“Yes, Facebook’s entire site crashed. They were like, ‘Oh, my god, this is the best press we’ve had in months!’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Facebook was only down for a day and in that short time, everyone got the vaccine.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I gotta check out Facebook one of these days. I hear bad things.” —Stephen Colbert

“People started noticing something was wrong this morning when they felt happy for more than 30 minutes.” —James Corden

“With no social media, I ended up spending most of the day talking to my son. He’s really nice!” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now, I’m no computer expert, but my theory is a just god? (You're thinking of capitalism)

October 2021

“Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp were down for several hours on Monday. So if you wanted to share photos, you had to go door-to-door with Polaroids of your brunch.” —Stephen Colbert

“For hours, users were left in suspense about whether their second cousin thinks the vaccine gives your pancreas Wi-Fi.” —Stephen Colbert

“Now, clearly, this is the day the machines have risen up and are taking over, but don’t panic: They only know our thoughts, feelings, family, friends, location, facial patterns and banking data.” —Stephen Colbert

“As the panic grew, Facebook did not say what might be causing the outage. Now, I’m no computer expert, but my theory is a just god?” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess I'll just have to take my business to Little Debbie (Worry)

November 2012

"Facebook just launched a new app. They teamed up with the Department of Labor to create what they call the social jobs app. You can browse through 2 million job listings. You know it's bad when even Facebook thinks it's time for you to get a job." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook also has an app that can help you lose your job. It's called Facebook." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Colorado and Washington just legalized marijuana. If Hostess can't figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn't be in the snack cake industry. I guess I'll just have to take my business to Little Debbie." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, President Obama gave his first press conference since being re-elected. And a lot of people are saying it looked like he was trying to cover up some of his gray hair. So I guess Obama's major goals include jobs for women and Just For Men." --Jimmy Fallon

"During his final speech on the House floor yesterday, Congressman Ron Paul said the Constitution has failed. Which must be a bummer because he's actually one of the guys who signed it." --Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook and the Department of Labor have teamed up for a new app that displays job openings. It'll be weird when people find a job because of Facebook, then get fired from that job for using Facebook, then use Facebook to find another job. It's the circle of life." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone (There's more than one position?!)

Police in Philadelphia are investigating after a 5-year-old boy walked into his preschool class holding about two dozen vials of crack cocaine. In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone. --Seth Meyers

In a series of tweets this morning, President Trump claimed that the U.S. is in a fantastic position in its trade war with China. "There's more than one position?!" said Mike Pence. --Seth Meyers

Today was Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg's 35th birthday. And if you're wondering what he wants, your personal data.  --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush (Christ, It's Cold Out Parade)

"Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush." –Conan O'Brien

"WikiLeaks released more than 250,000 secret documents, some of which refer to computer passwords for world leaders. The most shocking revelation: Kofi Annan's password is 'BieberFan9.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A Senator from Oklahoma says he won't participate in his state's holiday parade unless they put Christ back in the title. So get ready for this year's 'Christ, It's Cold Out Parade.'" –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You are NOT a victim, You ARE an accomplice (Probably time to try Meth)

Earlier today, the senate passed a resolution to terminate the national emergency President Trump declared in order to get funding for his border wall. It’s almost like the president’s plans have hit, I don’t know, a barrier of some kind. --James Corden

Facebook and Instagram were down for 14 hours yesterday. So I was forced to look at Twitter. Going on Twitter because Facebook and Instagram are down is a bit like running out of beer and wine and going, “Probably time to try Meth.” --James Corden

A new study has just been released where food researchers have found that one-third of all foods Americans eat gives them something called “food guilt.” Food guilt is the regret you feel when you eat food that you know isn’t good for you. Now take it from me, here is the key. Just push through it. Just push through it. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

we’ve still got a functioning Department of Homeland Insecurity (the world’s tallest moose statue)

It has been reported that President Trump posts altered photos to Facebook and Instagram that make him look thinner. Well, it’s nice to know that even during the shutdown, we’ve still got a functioning Department of Homeland Insecurity. --Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile, Norway and Canada are fighting over who has the tallest moose statue. Yeah, they’ve been feuding ever since Norway crushed Canada in Olympic curling. It was brutal. Tens of people were bored. For 35 years, the world’s tallest moose statue has been in the world’s most Canadian-named city, Moose Jaw. Moose Jaw, of course, just north of the town of Beaver Scrotum. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The previous record holder was heroin (Oops, I did it again)

"Britney Spears has been giving her support to Mel Gibson throughout the scandal, which is ironic because Mel's latest tape is called, 'Oops, I did it again.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama and his family are going on vacation in the Gulf Coast next month. Of course, the Gulf Coast is a lovely place to sit back and relax — just ask BP." –Jimmy Fallon

"Starbucks' profits went up 37 percent in the third quarter of this year. They say they owe the increase to their new strategy of opening a Starbucks inside an existing Starbucks." –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

if the U.S. were a department store, we'd be Sears (You'll shoot your eye out, kid!!)

But, you guys, it's the holiday season. And everyone is in the giving spirit. In fact, Facebook just gave away all of your private information. Isn't that nice? --Jimmy Fallon

But here's the big story. Congress is working on a spending bill to avoid a government shutdown until February. Yep. The government's basically staying open month to month. I'm not saying that we're in trouble, but if the U.S. were a department store, we'd be Sears. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Apparently O’Reilly violated Fox News’s strict 11-woman limit (not paying for stuff)

A recent security purge by Facebook has unintentionally gotten rid of millions of “likes.” Just think... all those wasted hours, wasted. –Conan O’Brien

A new report says the U.S. border wall could cost three times as much as previously estimated. However, Trump says he’ll keep costs down with his secret business trick called “not paying for stuff.” –Conan O’Brien

Bill O’Reilly has been fired from Fox News after being accused of sexually harassing up to 12 women. Apparently O’Reilly violated Fox News’s strict 11-woman limit. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

First you click on “Features,” and then select “Living Nightmare.”

Yesterday, Donald Trump officially became the president-elect after 538 electors from the Electoral College cast their votes — and immediately after, Donald Trump claimed that 3 million of them voted illegally. –Jimmy Fallon

I want to say happy birthday to “Law & Order” creator Dick Wolf, who turned 70 today. And if you missed his party, don’t worry. It will repeat several times tonight and all day Sunday on the USA Network. –Jimmy Fallon

Facebook is testing a new group phone call feature that will let you talk on the phone with up to 50 friends at once. If you want to try it, you go to Facebook, you click on “Features,” and then select “Living Nightmare.” –Jimmy Fallon

We tried democracy, I think we proved we’re not mature enough to handle it (pet videos)

If there’s one thing that we learned from this election, it’s that we never, ever should have taught our moms how to use Facebook; that was a mistake. –Jimmy Kimmel

There’s been a lot of fighting, a lot of arguing. Whoever wins, I want us to all promise one thing: Let’s never do this again. –Jimmy Kimmel

We tried democracy, I think we proved we’re not mature enough to handle it, we can’t do this. Let’s go back to only caring about pet videos. –Jimmy Kimmel