"Here's a good reason
to drink, Congress has approved a new ceiling for the national debt. They had
to, because the current national debt was starting to go so high that it was
going to go past the legal limit, so they just raised it. And our new national
debt is $9 trillion, not million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in
perspective, that is more than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about
$30,000 in debt to every single American, including kids. In other words, the government
has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it all on Hummers and grenade
launchers. It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Things did not go
well at the White House St. Patrick's Day party. Did you hear what happened? Dick Cheney shot a leprechaun."
--Jay Leno
"President Bush met
with the Prime Minister of Ireland, who gave him the traditional bowl of
shamrocks. There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'Where are the
pink hearts and yellow moons?'" --Conan O'Brien
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