Trump would high-five him so hard it would break both their hands (It will be the first time Trump has ever paid a construction worker on time)

During a particularly contentious back-and-forth, the Democratic senator Tim Kaine pressed Hegseth over his alleged marital affairs. “You’re asking why Pete Hegseth didn’t tell Trump about how many times he cheated on his wife? Maybe because if he did, Trump would high-five him so hard it would break both their hands.”  —Jordan Klepper                                       

The Village People are set to perform at Trump’s inaugural eve ball. It will be the first time Trump has ever paid a construction worker on time. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

That’s the second time this summer that the Secret Service has failed to protect Trump from a lethal attack (That’s enough TV. I’m going to go exercise and read a book)

At the DNC convention Donald Trump was ridiculed non-stop. Yeah, yeah, that was brutal. That’s the second time this summer that the Secret Service has failed to protect Trump from a lethal attack. — Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

“That was the first time Trump was like, ‘That’s enough TV; I’m going to go exercise and read a book.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

On the plus side, everyone around him was already distancing (we were afraid of our fruit)

In typical fashion, Donald Trump also promised: “We were a great nation, and we will soon be a great nation again.”Oh yes, I remember four years ago, in 2020, everyone was free to stay at home for months Lysol-ing their banana – if you know what I mean. And I mean: we were afraid of our fruit. —Stephen Colbert

“President Biden tested positive yesterday for Covid-19. On the plus side, everyone around him was already distancing.” — Seth Meyers

“Biden has Covid, which is no joke for a man of his age, especially because this is an unusual strain where the brain fog hits you three weeks ago.” — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Man, I wish that Biden could channel the youth and vigor of Nancy Pelosi (American Exceptionalism)

On Wednesday, Representative Nancy Pelosi, the former House speaker, responded to questions about whether the president should continue to seek re-election by saying that she would support President Biden, “whatever he decides.” Keep in mind, Biden has said about 50 times that he’s staying in the race. He’s like, ‘I’m not going anywhere. The Lord almighty couldn’t get me out of this race,’ and Pelosi’s going, ‘Yup, great, just let us know when you decide. Clock’s ticking — tick-tock.’ — Jordan Klepper

“By the way, it probably doesn’t help that as she was speaking, I kept thinking, ‘Man, I wish that Biden could channel the youth and vigor of Nancy Pelosi.’” — Jordan Klepper 

“You know things are crazy when an 84-year-old Nancy Pelosi is telling an 81-year-old Joe Biden to retire.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he’s running away from it like it’s a disabled veteran who wants a selfie (high-fives)

Project 2025, is a 900-page document from a rightwing thinktank that has been described as “basically conservative fan fiction, which could very well become fan reality”. It’s full of terrifying proposals that range from burning more fossil fuels to outlawing pornography. Which is bad news for people who like to masturbate and horrible news for people who like to masturbate to our flourishing coral reefs. — Desi Lydic

The proposal is supported by a number of Trump’s top aides, but apparently it’s getting a little too controversial for Trump now, because he’s running away from it like it’s a disabled veteran who wants a selfie. — Desi Lydic

The former president posted on Truth Social: “I know nothing about Project 2025. I have no idea who is behind it. I disagree with some of the things they’re saying and some of the things they’re saying are absolutely ridiculous and abysmal. Anything they do, I wish them luck, but I have nothing to do with them.” Really? You expect us to believe Donald Trump didn’t read a 900-page … OK, now that I’m saying that, I hear it. This is textbook Trump. He hides his dog whistles next to some plausible deniability. Every tweet is like a Cheesecake Factory menu, you know? There’s something for everybody. And he doesn’t mind if it’s full of contradictions. He hasn’t read Project 2025, but he likes parts of it. He has no idea who’s behind it, but he hired most of them. He thinks it’s abysmal, but he wishes them luck. He has one hand in his pocket, and the other one is giving a high-five. — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And the worst part is that Ted Cruz sang it sexy like Marilyn Monroe (puppy dog eyes)

President Biden landed in Italy on Wednesday for the G7 Summit, his second trip to Europe in a week. He went to France last week, now he’s off to Italy. Biden’s like your friend who is somehow posting pics from Europe all summer. Usually when an 81-year-old does that much traveling through Europe, it’s on a Viking river cruise. — Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is in the process of picking a vice-presidential candidate. One candidate who isn’t in the running is Kristi Noem, who made headlines recently when she admitted killing her dog. She tried her best. She even gave Trump puppy dog eyes – literally, she sent him a box of puppy dog eyes. —Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump returned to Capitol Hill on Thursday, his first visit there since the Jan. 6 riot. House Republicans sang an early “Happy Birthday” for the former president, who turned 78 on Friday. And the worst part is that Ted Cruz sang it sexy like Marilyn Monroe. — Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money? (Or, as the rest of the world calls it, a job)

On Tuesday, David Pecker, the former publisher of the National Enquirer, testified that to help Trump in the 2016 election, he would buy scandalous stories about him and bury them. And what a great job he did. I can’t think of a single Trump scandal. —Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

Attorneys representing former President Donald Trump argued that he did not violate his gag order during Tuesday’s hearing in his criminal trial. This guy is incapable of keeping his mouth shut for two minutes. Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money? —Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

On his way out of the courthouse, Trump stopped to tell reporters how uncomfortably cold it is in the room and how very unhappy he is to be there. Eight hours a day, four days a week — it’s literally torture. Or, as the rest of the world calls it, a job. —Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now, calm down. How about we just vote on it? (How does that thing not burst into flames immediately?)

On Tuesday, former President Donald Trump released a video on Truth Social, plugging his “God Bless the USA Bible” for $60. How does that thing not burst into flames immediately? — Jordan Klepper

“If we step back and look at this, Trump getting into business with God can only mean one thing: God is going to end up bankrupt and serving a three-month prison sentence for lying under oath.” — Jordan Klepper

“I like how they made the Bible the exact color of his skin. Yeah, that’s interesting. Corinthian — Corinthian leather.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’re calling this the most expensive penis overcompensation in American history (it’s gonna happen a bunch more times)

April 2023

“And to the haters who said Elon Musk couldn’t possibly destroy something faster than Twitter, joke’s on you.” —Jordan Klepper

“They’re calling this the most expensive penis overcompensation in American history.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“That disassembly cost SpaceX $3 billion, which, you could defame four different voting machine companies for that much money.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump has posted several Truth Social videos about what a good time he had when he got arrested. That’s good because it’s gonna happen a bunch more times.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“This week saw legacy blue ticks removed from certain Twitter accounts, including those of the pope and Oprah while strangely O.J. Simpson has kept his. I guess you don’t wanna make him mad.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What did you do during the war on drugs dad? (they’re going to have to put down Sean Hannity)

April 2023

“I am glad that there is some accountability here. But still, I am pretty disappointed we are not going to get a trial, because all the Fox anchors would have been forced to testify. It would have been like the ‘Seinfeld’ finale, but instead of soup Nazis, it’s just Nazis.” —Jordan Klepper

“Since Fox is going to have to pay nearly a billion dollars, they’ll need to implement cost-cutting measures. Sadly, they have to fire Brian Kilmeade’s reading tutor, Jeanine Pirro has to switch to the cheap box of wine, development on a third Doocy has been halted. They’re going to have to switch from Jesse Watters to tap waters. And of course, they’re going to have to put down Sean Hannity.” —Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

in his defense, the law is complicated, and he is only a Supreme Court justice (Game of Thrones cosplay character)

April 2023

“Last week, we learned that Clarence Thomas had secretly accepted luxury trips from right-wing billionaire Harlan Crow. And that’s his actual name, not his ‘Game of Thrones’ cosplay character.” —Jordan Klepper

“On top of that, Clarence Thomas’s mom is still living in that house rent-free, and Harlan Crow is paying for thousands of dollars of renovations. All of which Clarence Thomas should have disclosed by law — although, in his defense, the law is complicated, and he is only a Supreme Court justice.” —Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”