I hope they can get used to doing nothing (the female scientists had to finish writing it themselves)

A new study has come out analyzing the role of the female orgasm in reproduction. But the male scientists fell asleep before it was done and the female scientists had to finish writing it themselves. –Seth Meyers

"Today marks the last day before Congress takes its summer recess. They're taking five weeks off. Five weeks. I hope they can get used to doing nothing." –Seth Meyers

"The New York Times came out in favor of marijuana legalization. Apparently, someone told them that marijuana users are really into 'buying papers.'" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Magic Mike Pence!

This week, the emperor of Japan is giving up the throne. If you want to know more, just read the 50 articles about it that Prince Charles taped to the Queen's fridge. "I get the hint, Charles!" --Jimmy Fallon

Hey, I want to say happy birthday to SpongeBob SquarePants, who just turned 20. You can tell he's getting old because, today, they changed his name to SpongeBob DadJeans. --Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of strip clubs, listen to this. Yesterday, Mike Pence gave a speech to some Navy sailors. And before Pence walked out, the sailors were told that they had to clap like they were at a strip club. Even weirder, Pence was introduced like this. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Magic Mike Pence! --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! (At this point, who even remembers who owned who?)

"Today in Philadelphia, Barack Obama gave a major speech on race in America. I'm sorry, but I believe we solved racism in America when Rosa Parks drove that bus to Congress. Okay, have we forgotten so soon? Come on, it's been hundreds of years. At this point, who even remembers who owned who?" --Stephen Colbert

The National Parks Service is so desperate for cash that they just announced that, for the first time, they are going to solicit corporate sponsorship. Pretty soon, those sequoias could be brought to you by Viagra. Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! –Stephen Colbert

"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week – all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for a cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now he's only going to be working part of the time, just like Bush's brain

"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week -- all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." --Stephen Colbert

"This kind of thing usually happens once or twice a summer down in Washington. Yesterday, a guy hopped the fence at the White House. Pretty scary. Thank god at the last minute Dick Cheney picked him off. And then, today, another guy was arrested for trying to climb Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman

"It's been announced that White House adviser Karl Rove will not be creating the day-to-day policy for the president anymore. You all know Karl Rove, he's the man they call Bush's brain. No, that's what they call him, Bush's brain. Now he's only going to be working part of the time, just like Bush's brain." --Jay Leno

They have cancelled their wedding in the Florida Keys (Don't Just Lay There)

"Tempers are running really high in Washington about a lot of issues. Yesterday, Senator Arlen Specter and Senator Russ Feingold got into a shouting match over the issue of gay marriage. As a result, Specter and Feingold have cancelled their wedding in the Florida Keys." --Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton is writing a book designed to encourage Americans to become more active in their communities. Clinton's book is called 'Don't Just Lay There.'" --Conan O'Brien

 "Remember the president of the Teamsters, Jimmy Hoffa? Well, he vanished and there were all these rumors and stories and myths about where he may be buried. It turns out now that the FBI got a tip and now they're looking everywhere for Jimmy Hoffa. Everywhere. The FBI is looking everywhere. And I'm thinking, 'that's great, but what about Osama bin Laden?'" --David Letterman

bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn (trying to climb Condoleezza)

"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week -- all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." --Stephen Colbert

"This kind of thing usually happens once or twice a summer down in Washington. Yesterday, a guy hopped the fence at the White House. Pretty scary. Thank god at the last minute Dick Cheney picked him off. And then, today, another guy was arrested for trying to climb Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman

  

"This is a weird story. President Bush has apologized today for scolding a member of the White House press corps for wearing sunglasses because he found out the reporter is legally blind. Bush also apologized for telling physicist Stephen Hawking 'to get off your lazy a--.'" --Conan O'Brien

God Bless the System! (CEO Severance Package)

"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week -- all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." --Stephen Colbert

"This is a weird story. President Bush has apologized today for scolding a member of the White House press corps for wearing sunglasses because he found out the reporter is legally blind. Bush also apologized for telling physicist Stephen Hawking 'to get off your lazy a--.'" --Conan O'Brien

"At a joint press conference with President Bush, German Chancellor Angela Merkel called for a 'de-escalation of Mid-East violence.' Later, Bush called for both sides to 'de-angrify' and 'de-hurt' each other." -Conan O'Brien

Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn (contraction took out a city block)

"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week -- all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." --Stephen Colbert

"After nearly two weeks of violence and mounting casualties on both sides, help is on the way. U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice finally cashed in her miles today and sprung for a surprise visit to Beirut's 'Oh my God, don't let them shoot down my plane with a Stinger missile' International Airport." --Jon Stewart

"But as some see mayhem and chaos in the violence, Rice sees chaos and makes 'mayhemade' [on screen: Rice saying, 'What we're seeing here, in a sense, is the growing birth pangs of a new Middle East']. Birth pangs? Yes, I believe today's contraction took out a city block." --Jon Stewart