I danced my butt off for that money (I have to say, it smells it)

Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, who will be moderator for the final presidential debate of election season, said in an interview this week that he doesn't feel it's his job to call out the candidates when they lie. "Super!" said Hillary and Donald at the same time. –Seth Meyers

New York City turned 352 years old yesterday, and I have to say, it smells it. –Seth Meyers

The Tom Hanks movie "Sully," about the miracle on the Hudson, landed in theaters this weekend, which was pretty shocking because it was supposed to land in Charlotte. –Seth Meyers

A New York man was arrested this morning after allegedly stealing $600 from the bra of a 93-year-old woman. The woman was like, "Hey, give that back! I danced my butt off for that money." –Seth Meyers

a dominatrix who forgets their safe word

Last night's debate at the Reagan Library was the most watched program in CNN history. CNN said they were thrilled with the ratings but even happier they could finally show a plane that wasn't missing. –Conan O’Brien

During last night's debate, Jeb Bush wanted Donald Trump to apologize to his wife but Trump refused. Trump said, "If I apologized to wives I wouldn't be on my third one." –Conan O’Brien

Britain's longest-serving dominatrix is retiring at the age of 66. Apparently men no longer want to hire a dominatrix who forgets their safe word. –Conan O’Brien

It was right before he called Romney 'Adolf Mittler'

"That was some debate last night. At one point moderator Bob Schieffer said 'Obama bin Laden.' It was right before he called Romney 'Adolf Mittler.'" –Jay Leno



"During last night's debate, President Obama told Mitt Romney, 'The 1980s called and they want their foreign policy back.' Romney tried to deliver a comeback but then his beeper went off." –Jay Leno



"Today a poll found that President Obama won last night's debate among a voting block known as 'Walmart moms.' And Mitt Romney won the debate according to a voting block that wouldn't be caught dead at Walmart." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

It isn't like him to make a big deal out of something that isn't news

"Did you see the debate last night? It was the same stuff, but here's what was different. In the first debate they were at podiums. The second debate, it was stools. Last night, chairs and desks. The next debate – yoga mats." –David Letterman


"Mitt Romney is so rich he hired extra housekeepers just to launder his money." –David Letterman



"Donald Trump announced that he will announce something big tomorrow, some very big news about President Obama. So it must be big news because it isn't like him to make a big deal out of something that isn't news." –Jimmy Kimmel


He also wants to punch his father for giving him the name Tagg

"Yesterday Mitt Romney's son Tagg said that during the debate he wanted to punch President Obama for calling his father a liar. He also wants to punch his father for giving him the name Tagg." –Conan O'Brien 

"Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney debate foreign policy. Pundits say it will be close, but it will probably go to the candidate who wore the 'I killed Osama bin Laden' T-shirt." –Conan O'Brien 

"Oh please, Mr. President. Everyone plays by the same set of rules -- and at the end of the game the rich flip over the board and yell, "I win!" –Stephen Colbert

Ask your doctor if the Tea Party is right for you

"Today Republican Joe Walsh, the douchebag congressman from Illinois said abortion to save the life of a mother, that's just an excuse. He said modern technology and science make it so you cannot find one instance where there's dying in child birth. Ladies, before Election Day comes, ask your doctor if the Tea Party is right for you." -Bill Maher



"The part of the debate I thought was most telling was when Mitt Romney claimed that Obama did not call the Benghazi attack in September an act of terror until two weeks later. And then Obama said, 'Check the transcript.' And then Candy Crowley, the moderator, came in and said, 'Yes, I was there, it's true, he did call it that.' Well, Fox News was pissed off about this. They said, 'We have seen a lot of low-down dirty debate tricks, but introducing facts!' And Mitt Romney was furious. He was so mad at Candy Crowley, he took her right out of his lady binder." –Bill Maher



Book of Broads, Notebook of Nipples, whatever...

"Couple of things: One, the women’s group was called MassGAP and they approached Governor Romney, not the other way around. And two, my guess is they did not refer to what they presented as a binder full of women, but perhaps as an organized collection of qualified resumes. But hey, Binder of Women, Book of Broads, Notebook of Nipples, whatever." –Jon Stewart



"The time for fact checking is after the event when voters have stopped watching. We should not be sullying their emotional reactions with accuracy." –Stephen Colbert, on Candy Crowley fact-checking Mitt Romney during the presidential debate



"Shocking. A conservative Republican congressman was caught having an illicit affair -- and it wasn't with a man, woohoo!" –Stephen Colbert



John Hulse painting

Forget integrity. Forget courage.

"Isn't is amazing? All Moderate Mitt had to do was change his long-held views on everything that he's ever said. Now he believes whatever you believe, and the polls show we like that. Forget integrity. Forget courage. What we want is a president who is 100 percent our bitch." –Bill Maher



"One example: Mitt Romney was against gay rights, then he was for them, now he's against them again. Or as it's known in political circles, the Andersen Cooper 360." –Bill Maher



"The second presidential debate is on tonight. President Obama is now saying he was too polite to Mitt Romney in the first debate. Obama now plans to address Romney as 'Money Bag.'" –Conan O'Brien 

John Hulse painting

Tagg, you're it!

"During Wednesday's debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS – it's a surprising threat considering that 'Mitt' is such an excellent Muppet name." –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"





"Mitt Romney is refusing to participate in the long-running special on Nickelodeon called 'Kids Pick the President.' Romney said it's nothing personal; he just says that these kids are part of that 47 percent who contribute nothing to the country and mooch off their parents and grandparents." –Jay Leno 

"People close to the campaign are saying that Mitt Romney's son, Tagg, is now one of his chief advisers. That's right, when Mitt asked him to join the team, he put his arm on his son's shoulder and said 'Tagg, you're it!'" –Jimmy Fallon 

You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or...

"Mitt Romney is such a different guy, Ann Romney says she no longer has to pretend she's making love to someone else." –Bill Maher



"I have to tell you, it worked. He shook the Etch-A-Sketch, reversed himself on everything, and now, according to the latest poll, twice as many people think Mitt Romney cares about them. They totally took him back. Today Chris Brown said, 'That mother**ker is good.'" –Bill Maher



"Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird." –David Letterman 

He was in full command of his bullsh*t

"New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact checkers." –Bill Maher 

"It's Mormon in America again. I haven't seen Romney this energized up since HBO canceled Big Love.'" –Bill Maher



"You got to hand it to Mitt Romney. He was in full command of his bullsh*t. In one single night, he was reborn as this taxing-the-rich, regulation-loving centrist. When these people say they're going to reboot a campaign, they don't just reboot. They erase the hard drive, take it out, and smash it with a hammer." –Bill Maher



He might even let poor people vote

"Mitt Romney said he's going to get rid of Big Bird and slash PBS. And then he mentions Donald Trump, who endorses Mitt Romney. It's interesting -- one is a comical TV character with synthetic yellow hair, and then you have Big Bird." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney did so well last night, hell he may even release his tax return. He did so well last night, he might even let poor people vote." –David Letterman



"During last night's debate Mitt Romney said that he loves Big Bird. What made it even more awkward was that the question was, "Can you explain your tax plan?'" –Jimmy Fallon 

But it worked, so f*ck it!

"Ann Romney's entry into the bake-off was something called 'M&M Treats.' Sounds tasty. But some people said they came out boring and hard to swallow. I'm like, 'Oh, no, that's her husband.'" –Craig Ferguson 

"It's being reported that Mitt Romney's goal for tonight's debate is to make Barack Obama look like Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, Barack Obama's goal is to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien 

"Now you know me. I’m a staunch conservative and I condemn any Republican who distances themselves from everything he has said on the campaign trail. But it worked, so f*ck it.'" –Stephen Colbert, on Mitt Romney lying at the presidential debate



Yeah, especially when they have feet of their own

"Ann Romney says that if Mitt is elected she would worry about his mental health. Well, there's a ringing endorsement." –David Letterman 



"Arnold Schwarzenegger gave an interview to '60 Minutes' last night. In the interview, Arnold says you can't run from your mistakes. Yeah, especially when they have feet of their own." –Jay Leno



"Florida election officials say at least 10 counties have identified suspicious and possibly fraudulent voter registration forms. And they were turned in by a firm working for the Republican Party of Florida. I guess they got suspicious when they realized most of the votes were for Bob Dole." –Jay Leno 

Preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine

"Paul Ryan now says that President Obama's foreign policy has 'blown up in his face' and it's time to go back to the Republican foreign policy. Well, let's see, Obama kept Guantanamo Bay open, the troops are still overseas, and the Middle East hates us. Isn't that the Republican foreign policy?" –Jay Leno 

 

"The presidential debate is on Wednesday. Mitt Romney has been preparing for the debate by debating a Republican senator who plays the part of President Obama. Meanwhile, President Obama has been preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine." –Conan O'Brien



"Arnold Schwarzenegger was on '60 Minutes' promoting his book. He said you can't run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad." –Conan O'Brien 

It's like being a Kardashian husband

"Here's another blow to the Romney campaign. Earlier today, that empty chair endorsed Obama" –David Letterman 



"Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian." –David Letterman



"The presidential debates begin on Wednesday. Romney has taken two days off to prepare. They're going to have practice debates. They're going to do that for two days, and another full day of spray tanning, and he'll be ready to go." –David Letterman



"These debates are tightly controlled. Each side, Obama and Romney, had to agree to 32 pages of rules. It's like being a Kardashian husband." –David Letterman