"Every year Americans spend millions of dollars on
Christmas gifts for their pets, which makes no sense to me. Your pet doesn't
know it's Christmas. In fact, your pet doesn't even know it's a pet, so giving
your cat a sweater is about as useful as giving your microwave a hat."
–Jimmy Kimmel
"Umpire Dale Scott recently became the first major league
umpire to come out as gay. Well, he says he's out, but another ump said he was
safe, so now we have to wait to see what the replay says." –Jimmy Fallon
"Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a
pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come
in cool ranch flavor." –Conan O'Brien
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