I don't have that kind of range (in Minnesota, I’m considered black)

According to a latest poll California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval rating is down to 30%. After hearing this Arnold said I'm not gonna act all hurt and upset because I don't have that kind of range. --Conan O’Brien 11/10/2005

Minnesota’s Mall of America has hired its first-ever black Santa Claus. Which sounds like a big deal until you realize that in Minnesota, I’m considered black. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's from a guy who saw Lincoln get shot (Dear Santa)

"Today John McCain said the shutdown was, quote, one of the most shameful things he's seen as a senator. That's from a guy who saw Lincoln get shot." –Conan O'Brien

"Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing emails from President George W. Bush's Administration. And you can tell the emails are from the Bush Administration because they all begin, 'Dear Santa.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains why her talent for the pageant was... (George Bush cabinet)

"Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing emails from President George W. Bush's Administration. And you can tell the emails are from the Bush Administration because they all begin, 'Dear Santa.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa's elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves." –Conan O'Brien

This is really weird, in Germany a woman who recently won a beauty pageant just admitted she used to be a man. Which explains why her talent for the pageant was hiding her testicles. --Conan O’Brien 7/13/2005

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Santa wants you to believe (I'm lean and I'm mean. I'm King of the Jungle!)

A lion walks up to a zebra and says,

"Hey zebra! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're black, you're white, you're half mule

and half donkey.

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

The zebra shrugs off the insult and walks on...

The lion then comes upon a giraffe and says,

"Hey, giraffe! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You gotta long neck and tiny antlers on the top

of your head!

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

Finally, the lion comes upon a frog and says,

"Hey, frog! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're green and you're slimy.."

Before the lion could finish his next sentence

the frog says,

"Screw you! I've been sick!"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're starting early because they've got to delete 10 years of Bill Clinton's browser history (definitely Jewish)

December 2013

"Alabama kicker Cade Foster had a tough time in the Iron Bowl, missing three field goals against Auburn. A lot of people blamed him for losing the game. Former President George W. Bush actually sent him a note to offer his support. The guy had such bad aim, you'd think he get a note from Dick Cheney." –Jimmy Fallon

"Fox News host Megyn Kelly now says she was just kidding when she said Santa Claus is white. However, she's standing by her statement that the Grinch who stole Christmas, definitely Jewish." –Conan O'Brien

"It's really starting the look like Hillary Clinton's going to run. The digital team behind both of President Obama's campaigns is already preparing for a Hillary Clinton run. They're starting early because they've got to delete 10 years of Bill Clinton's browser history." –Conan O'Brien

"An entrepreneur has made a device that can prevent the NSA from spying on you by blocking your laptop's camera. This new high-tech device is called a small piece of tape." –Conan O'Brien

"Scientists are testing out a new drone that would replace lifeguards. Here's how it works: If you're drowning, the drone would fly out and drop a bomb on you." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

How did Vladimir Putin get his hands on my Match.com profile? (Person of the Year)

December 2013

"Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa's elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves." –Conan O'Brien

"In a speech, Russian president Vladimir Putin slammed the U.S. for being 'genderless and infertile.' My question is: How did Vladimir Putin get his hands on my Match.com profile?"  –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. Also congratulations to 'Big Bang Theory's' Jim Parsons. He was named Parsons of the Year. Also congratulations to Iranian President Hasan Rouhani. He was named Persian of the Year. And for the third year in a row, congratulations to cyanide, named Poison of the Year." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry    

 

An army of sheep led by a lion (I think Republican)

December 2012

"According to a new poll, most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat – which is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican." -Conan O'Brien

"Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online. But I hire someone too honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new poll revealed that 44 percent of Americans think Santa is a Democrat and 28 percent believe he is a Republican. And the other 28 percent said to please stop bothering me with stupid questions. " –Jimmy Kimmel

"The fact of the matter is Santa isn't a Democrat or a Republican. In fact, Santa isn't even an American. I have news for you. The real Santa is Chinese. You think elves are the ones making that plastic crap we give our kids? No. Chinese people are." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Arya Stark for President (Thanks to WikiLeaks)

"President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno

"You have to be careful of political correctness this time of the year. You can't call them 'Santa's elves' anymore. They're 'undocumented little people.'" –Jay Leno

"Between the made-up words and wildly shooting at anything with four legs, Sarah Palin is turning into Elmer Fudd." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I call this one Conan, because it's red, and I wrecked it (nondenominational venison)

"The annual 'Christmas Village' in Philadelphia has been renamed the 'Holiday Village.' In fact, they're not Santa's reindeer anymore . . . They're now 'nondenominational venison.'" –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks continues to release thousands of classified documents, but some of the leaks are just gossip. Like the one saying Iranian President Ahmadinejad was once offered a 10 pm show on NBC. I guess they were just trying to ruin his reputation." –Jay Leno

"Jay Leno has more than a hundred classic cars. 'I call this one Conan, because it's red, and I wrecked it.'" –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I created the Middle Class. You're Welcome! (a criminal record will be provided for you)

Trump is filling dozens of positions on his communications team. And they are interviewing candidates as we speak. The campaign does say that it doesn’t want anyone with a criminal record. Once you start working for them, a criminal record will be provided for you. --Stephen Colbert

A job on Trump’s re-election campaign can’t be easy. It’s like being a mall Santa. Remember, it’s only temporary, it’s completely degrading, and you are constantly getting demands from a child. --Stephen Colbert

Trump spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast in Washington, D.C. where he thanked religious leaders for their support and then offered them some words of reassurance. Trump, “I will never let you down. I can say that, never.” And then Stormy Daniels said, “Too late.” --James Corden

When Trump said, “I will never let you down,” what you didn’t see in that video is that Trump is speaking directly to a stack of blueberry pancakes. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It went to a farm upstate to live with all the other walls (Feliz Navidad)

Wow, man. They're talking about the wall like they just lost a pet. Trump's gonna have to have a special chat with the Fox & Friends. "Mr. Trump, where'd the wall go?" "It went to a farm upstate to live with all the other walls." --Seth Meyers

I saw that Google has a Santa Tracker, where you can watch Santa's journey around the world. Yeah, not to be outdone, Facebook has a tracker where you can steal Santa's Social Security number. --Jimmy Fallon

I saw that tomorrow, President Trump leaves for a 16-day trip to Mar-A-Lago, where he'll have his annual Christmas party. And just to mess with him, the only song the deejay will play is "Feliz Navidad." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

who's laughing now, Chad! (Avoid the Brownies)

Trump will travel to his Mar-a-Lago resort tomorrow, or as it's more commonly known, the winter Kremlin. --Seth Meyers

Pope Francis said this week that Christmas is not about presents and is about listening to the silent voice of God. Said his secret Santa, "What the hell, man? I got you an iPad!" --Seth Meyers

Researchers are comparing short-finned pilot whales living off the coast of Hawaii to high school cliques, after a study showed the whales purposely chose not to associate with certain other whales. But don't worry, whales. If you're not part of the cool clique, just work really hard, get hired for "SNL," work there a long time, then host your own late-night show, then go back to your high school reunion and see who's laughing now, Chad! --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump still makes time for his lifelong passion, driving organizations into the ground (Chanel 420)

Donald Trump’s charitable foundation has agreed to dissolve today, amid an ongoing lawsuit about its finances. The lawsuit states that Trump illegally used the charity for his own personal and political benefit. I just think it’s beautiful that even though he’s busy with the presidency, Trump still makes time for his lifelong passion, driving organizations into the ground. --James Corden

I can tell they are frustrated over at UPS. UPS delivers all the presents and Santa gets all the credit. That’s Bull****! --James Corden

Perfume manufacturers are jumping on the marijuana bandwagon. For instance, take a look at this, Chanel 420. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He wants to build a wall just so he can bang his head against it (the DNA test he took)

Santa is bringing a stocking full of problems to Donald Trump. It has been a terrible holiday season for him. He’s facing multiple criminal investigations. He’s losing cabinet members. He lost the house, and on top of everything else the DNA test he took came back and Eric and Donald Jr. are his. --Jimmy Kimmel

Trump is so frustrated right now. He wants to build a wall just so he can bang his head against it. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

If I tell you I’m an astronaut and you ask me about the moon, and I say, “The moon?” (moral justification for selfishness)

President Trump responded to Michael Cohen’s sentencing by tweeting, “I never directed Michael Cohen to break the law. He was a lawyer and he is supposed to know the law.” Fair, but you know who is else is supposed to know the law? The frigging president of the United States. I mean, the Pope should know the Bible, Santa should know the meaning of Christmas, and the president should know the law. Dude, we’re paying money for this. --Michael Che, SNL

I mean he’s president. He’s got to know the law. Doctor’s know medicine. Arby’s knows meat. If I tell you I’m an astronaut and you ask me about the moon, and I say, “The moon?” --Michael Che, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

All of the sidewalk Santa's lined up, you know taking their random drug test (four articles of impeachment)

So anyway I've come to work this morning and I see one of those only in New York holiday scenes. All of the sidewalk Santa's lined up, you know taking their random drug test. --David Letterman 12/15/1998

I've said this a billion times. I'm no political expert, I'm no pundit. I don't care if you're a Republican. I don't care if you're a Democrat. Things do not look good for a Bill Clinton now. Not only is he facing four articles of impeachment, you know he's also facing another holiday with Hillary. --David Letterman 12/15/1998

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's the only time Trump can press a giant button without everyone in America being absolutely terrified (900 pounds and 3 million crystals)

Actually, I read that the star on the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree weighs 900 pounds and features 3 million crystals. 900 pounds and 3 million crystals, or as guys from New Jersey call that, a pinky ring. --Jimmy Fallon

Oh, I saw that tonight was also the Christmas-tree-lighting ceremony at the White House. President Trump said it's the only time he can press a giant button without everyone in America being absolutely terrified. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Wait. We only hired a hundred clowns (Oh, crap. It's December 26th)

And finally, according to a new study, people living in colder regions are more likely to be heavy drinkers. Said Santa, "Oh, crap. Oh, crap. It's December 26th." --Seth Meyers

This year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade featured over 42,000 different costumes, or, as that's also known, one Lady Gaga show. And I heard that the parade had over 1,000 clowns, and it got creepy when Macy's said, "Wait. We only hired a hundred clowns." --Jerry Seinfeld

Today, the people of Massachusetts, where the first legal marijuana dispensaries opened and in the town of North Hampton, the first person in line to purchase weed was the mayor. There’s no word if the mayor used the marijuana, but he did spend the first twenty minutes of a press conference giggling about how Massachusetts has the word “ass” in it.  --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Why congress does nothing to stop gun violence (Our Hands Are Tied!)

It makes you wonder: If Santa is dead, whose lap have my children been sitting on? Just when you think the week wouldn’t get any worse, Santa’s dead and he’s rotting under a Turkish church. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump is still fuming about this Rex Tillerson story. It was reported yesterday Secretary of State Rex Tillerson wanted to resign earlier this year and referred to the president as a “effing moron” at a meeting. Trump tweeted multiple times yesterday, insisting the story was fake. Tillerson decided to hold a press conference at which he denied ever wanting to resign, but did not answer the moron question. That’s got the president’s little thumbs tingling. This morning he again tweeted, “Why isn’t the Senate Intel Committee looking into the fake news networks in our country to see why so much of our news is just made up, fake!” I guess he’s moved on from Puerto Rico and Las Vegas. –Jimmy Kimmel

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

the most depressing animated Christmas special ever was born (Overkill)

Of course Santa is dead, you force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen? –Jimmy Kimmel

They found this tomb below the St. Nicholas church in Antalya. They believe the body inside is the fourth-century saint the church is named after, which makes sense. One of the archaeologists said, “We will reach the ground and maybe find the untouched body of St. Nicholas” – and thus the most depressing animated Christmas special ever was born. –Jimmy Kimmel

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans