Well, there's a thank-you note you don't hang on your refrigerator (There goes our Christmas plans)

If you don't think Trump's statements are racist, you should at least know that racists are happy he made them. Immediately following Trump's speech, former KKK leader David Duke thanked Trump for his "honesty and courage." Well, there's a thank-you note you don't hang on your refrigerator. --James Corden

The Austrian government announced on Monday that they will be tearing down the house where Adolf Hitler was born. There goes our Christmas plans. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You sure about that? (Uh, ’shrooms)

Last night was the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics, and they had some crazy stuff. They had a big conga line, they had a giant snow globe. They had glow-in-the-dark pandas on roller skates. When asked what inspired the pandas, they said, “Uh, ’shrooms.” --Jimmy Fallon

Hey, guys, listen to this: Disney has a new "Star Wars" theme park. And they're promising a fully physical and immersive experience. So, kids, get ready for a ride where Dad cuts your hand off. --Jimmy Fallon

Lawmakers in New Hampshire are now backing a bill that would make it illegal for women to expose their breasts in public because they say it could hurt tourism. Then New Orleans said, “You sure about that?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Taming of the Shroom (Police are describing the suspect as his mother)

In Virginia someone broke into a man’s apartment, cleaned it, and took nothing. Completely cleaned the place. Police are describing the suspect as his mother. –Conan O’Brien

Artifacts found in William Shakespeare's home suggest he may have been a marijuana user. Apparently he was doing a couple of drugs because he also had a rough draft of "The Taming of the Shroom." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That man, you guessed it, Matthew McConaughey (pretending you have universal healthcare)

Police arrested a man who pulled his car off to the side of the road and started to have sex with it. That man, you guessed it, Matthew McConaughey. --Colin Jost

A group of hikers from Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. More embarrassing, they never actually left the house. —Colin Jost

​​New York City lawmakers have proposed a new law to change the sound of emergency vehicle sirens to resemble those used in Europe. That way you can spend your time in the ambulance pretending you have universal healthcare. --Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then, there’s the national orgy (the last time Trump lost a vote this badly he was elected president)

President Trump called us late night talk show hosts untalented and wondered what we were all going to do in 2024 when he’s no longer president. Well, first there’s the parade. Then, there’s the national orgy. And then I’m thinking a sandwich and a nap. --Stephen Colbert

This morning, the Trump administration unveiled their 2018 budget, titled “A New Foundation for American Greatness,” which is just slightly grandiose for a financial document. It’s like calling your grocery list “A Bold Vision for Yogurt and Dog Food.” –Stephen Colbert

Today, the republican held senate rejected Trump’s border emergency declaration 59 to 41. I mean the last time Trump lost a vote this badly he was elected president. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Mountain Dew Breast Milk Blast (Hold My Beer)

A group of hikers from Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. More embarrassing, they never actually left the house. —Colin Jost

A new study shows that in the past twenty years prediabetes in children has more than doubled. Thanks largely to the popularity of Mountain Dew Breast Milk Blast. —Colin Jost

To understand this, I live in Staten Island where, you know, up until now, washing your hands before dinner was known as "coming out of the closet.” —Pete Davidson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's a first (Uh, ’shrooms)

But before he flew home, Donald Trump told reporters that he could have signed a deal with North Korea, but he'd rather do it right than do it fast. Or as Stormy Daniels put it, "That's a first." --Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics, and they had some crazy stuff. They had a big conga line, they had a giant snow globe. They had glow-in-the-dark pandas on roller skates. When asked what inspired the pandas, they said, “Uh, ’shrooms.” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The government is like a box of chocolates (huffing the drapes)

Nintendo recently announced that its character Mario is no longer a plumber. Apparently, he was fired after coming to work on mushrooms. –Seth Meyers

According to a new report, some upscale hotels are now offering cannabis-infused room service items to maximize relaxation for guests. Or you could just go to any Days Inn and huff the drapes. --Seth Meyers

At a rally in Florida last night, President Trump falsely claimed that a photo ID is required to buy groceries in the United States. Dude, what are you eating for dinner? Rental cars? --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Holy crap, that's Paul McCartney. My God. You're the biggest — I love you so much (the fake news is coming from INSIDE the house!)

Today, The New York Times published an anonymous article from a senior White House official that criticizes Donald Trump. When Trump heard, he screamed, "Oh my God – the fake news is coming from INSIDE the house!" --Jimmy Fallon

A lot of people were saying President Obama was snubbed by China when they didn't have the stairs ready for him to get off the plane. In fact, Donald Trump said that if that ever happened to him, he'd just close the plane doors and leave the country. Every other country was like, "That's all we have to do? Thank you. That's perfect!" –Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, Paul McCartney said that he once saw God while he was doing psychedelic drugs. Paul was like, "Oh, man, that's God." While God was like, "Holy crap, that's Paul McCartney. My God. You're the biggest — I love you so much." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They open you up to the possibility that everything you know is wrong (Well how do you like that)

“A school in Virginia is returning a wallet to a woman 70 years after she lost it in a school gym. ‘Well how do you like that,’ said the black man still in jail for stealing it.” —Michael Che

“Pennsylvania police arrested a man who tried to rent a horse online so that he and his wife could have sex with the animal, but the man had no idea that the whole time he was actually chatting with a police horse.” —Michael Che

“A new album from R Kelly was removed from streaming sites several hours after being uploaded, and it was not easy to remove his streams, said the maid who cleaned his couch.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

That is the law of capitalism (it's been a big month for mushrooms)

April 2023

“I read about a runner who took third place in an ultramarathon and was later disqualified after admitting that she used a car. The saddest part is that she used a car and still came in third. She would have come in first, but she had to keep stopping for tiny cups of gas.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And for everyone who went a little too hard on 4/20, it's come back to Earth Day.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Well, speaking of Coachella, today the final weekend kicked off. Yep, so between Coachella and the new Super Mario movie, it's been a big month for mushrooms.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But aren’t you supposed to add 20% for tips (Australia, where the police let you finish)

April 2023

The Department of Sanitation has launched its first campaign with messages such as, if you litter, you’re garbage. Which is actually dialed back from the original version, your litter belongs in the trash next to your whore wife. —Colin Jost

A new study suggests the average man exaggerates the length of their penis by more than 20%. But aren’t you supposed to add 20% for tips. —Colin Jost

A group of hikers from Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. More embarrassing, they never actually left the house. —Colin Jost

And police in Australia arrested a man after he was caught at a bus stop masturbating for over an hour. Australia, where the police let you finish. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's all we have to do? Thank you. That's perfect! (In fact, she said that she can already feel it waving)

A lot of people were saying President Obama was snubbed by China when they didn't have the stairs ready for him to get off the plane. In fact, Donald Trump said that if that ever happened to him, he'd just close the plane doors and leave the country. Every other country was like, "That's all we have to do? Thank you. That's perfect!" –Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, Paul McCartney said that he once saw God while he was doing psychedelic drugs. Paul was like, "Oh, man, that's God." While God was like, "Holy crap, that's Paul McCartney. My God. You're the biggest — I love you so much." --Jimmy Fallon

Lots of celebrity babies are happening right now. It was just announced that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their third child. Kate's very excited about the baby. In fact, she said that she can already feel it waving. –Jimmy Fallon

I also want to say congratulations to Serena Williams, who just welcomed a baby girl. The doctor gave the baby to Serena, then Serena returned it, then the doctor sent it back, then Serena returned it again, and won the point. It was amazing to watch. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”