In Paul’s defense he was running late for Happy Hour (making the Klingons pay for it)

Nancy Pelosi’s husband Paul is facing hit-and-run charges after crashing into a parked car and driving away. The impact was so violent Paul spilled his martini. —Tyrus 

The impact was so violent Paul lost all feeling in his face, just like Nancy. In Paul’s defense he was running late for Happy Hour. —Tyrus 

A former Elizabeth Warren staff member attended the Ayatollah’s funeral calling him one of the greatest leaders of her lifetime, which must show you how bad it is to work for Elizabeth Warren. —Tyrus 

There’s a secret tape of an invasion watch of 1952 Washington insiders that could be released soon. Trump responded by proposing a shield around the earth and making the Klingons pay for it. —Tyrus

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The best part about the defense shield he says the Klingons will pay for it (and now will only say it at home)

Sarah Silverman said she regrets using the n-word in her old comedy specials and now will only say it at home. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump has unveiled plans for a Golden Dome missile defense shield that could cost tens of billions of dollars. The best part about the defense shield he says the Klingons will pay for it. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today is a good day for pie (the guy from The Naked Gun movies)

What a difference a week makes. One week ago there were seven people in the Democratic primary. Now it is a two-man race between Bernie Sanders, a Democratic Socialist and Joe Biden, the guy from The Naked Gun movies. —Bill Maher

Joe Biden has been running for president since 1988. In 1988 Air Supply was a band, now it’s what Joe Biden needs when he reaches the top of the stairs. —Bill Maher

But don’t worry about it because Donald Trump, MD is on the case.  He graduated from Trump University School of Medicine. This man is a fountain of misinformation. This week he said it’s okay for people infected with the virus to go to work, which raises the question: can you get it from pulling stuff out of your ass. —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I gave birth to a water cooler, Richard! (he only hid it medium well)

Donald Trump told the Associated Press yesterday that he had whittled down his list of possible running mates to "five or six people." Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids. –Seth Meyers

A woman in Texas broke a hospital record recently after delivering a nearly 15-pound baby. So good luck to her husband on ever complaining about anything again. "Oh, you have a headache? I gave birth to a water cooler, Richard!" --Seth Meyers

"60 Minutes" correspondent Morley Safer will formally retire this week after 46 seasons with the show. Safer made his name as a young reporter covering the landmark case of "Asteroid v. Dinosaurs." –Seth Meyers

Police in Ohio recently arrested a man for allegedly stealing meat from a supermarket after catching him with steak in his pants. The steak was visible, because he only hid it medium well. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's like claiming you lost your virginity because you found a Playboy in the woods (T.J. Hooker himself)

October 2021

“Blue Origin, the company founded by Jeff Bezos, prime-delivered their second group of civilian passengers into space and back today. And guess who’s in that rocket? T.J. Hooker himself, William Shatner.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“But, yeah, oldest person ever to go to space, which is amazing. Like, I don’t know about you, but I love it when old people break records, you know? That is why so many people support Tom Brady. I mean, your grandpa can’t throw like that.” —Trevor Noah

“But he made it back alive, Bill did — thank God. Can you imagine if Jeff Bezos killed Captain Kirk, then turned to camera and started speaking Klingon to everyone? I wouldn’t be the least bit shocked.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“William Shatner, who for four decades played the leader of the USS Enterprise on the beloved sci-fi series, was handpicked by Amazon and Blue Origin founder Jeff Bezos to make the 11-minute trip into the atmosphere from the west Texas desert. The crew reached a maximum altitude of 66.5 miles, beyond the 100km (62-mile) Kármán Line recognized internationally as the boundary of space. Given that the mission resulted in just four minutes of weightlessness, calling them astronauts is like claiming you lost your virginity because you found a Playboy in the woods. It doesn’t count.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Does this a** make my country look small? (asylum seekers and Klingons)

And finally, a designer at London Fashion Week last week showcased a collection of T-shirts, scarves, and sweaters featuring images of sperm. It's available at Semen Marcus. --Seth Meyers

After Trump declared a national emergency to bypass Congress and build his border wall, 16 states filed legal challenges almost immediately. In comments to reporters this week, Trump insisted he had the absolute right to unilaterally build his wall and said it was a matter of national security. President Trump, “We have absolute right to do that. I have an absolute right to call national security. We need strong borders. It's an open and closed case. I was put here for security, whether it's Space Force, which we're doing today, or whether it's borders.” Space Force and borders? It's pretty telling that despite the effects of climate change, gun violence, and inadequate healthcare, Trump thinks the biggest threats to America are asylum seekers and Klingons. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

No, Georgie. You'll just shoot your eye out. (and in a way, he did)

"When it gets hot, so hot you can't stand it and the steam is rising from your scalp, do you worry about global warming? Well, George Bush is now also worried about global warming, but he has a plan. He's going to invade the sun." --David Letterman

"The chancellor of Germany disengaged herself from President Bush using a move she learned in date rape prevention class. If that was Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off." --Jon Stewart, on Bush groping German Chancellor Angela Merkel

"Karl Rove's new talking point for the Republicans is that the terrorists are like the Nazis, and anyone against the Iraq War is like the appeasers before World War II. If that doesn't work they're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk." --Bill Maher 

If that was Bill Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off (Klingons)

"According to a new survey, Hillary Clinton's popularity rating is down to its lowest point in over a year. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down.'" --Conan O'Brein

"The chancellor of Germany disengaged herself from President Bush using a move she learned in date rape prevention class. If that was Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off." --Jon Stewart, on Bush groping German Chancellor Angela Merkel

"Karl Rove's new talking point for the Republicans is that the terrorists are like the Nazis, and anyone against the Iraq War is like the appeasers before World War II. If that doesn't work they're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk." --Bill Maher

to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk (control his privates)

"The chancellor of Germany disengaged herself from President Bush using a move she learned in date rape prevention class. If that was Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off." --Jon Stewart, on Bush groping German Chancellor Angela Merkel

"Karl Rove's new talking point for the Republicans is that the terrorists are like the Nazis, and anyone against the Iraq War is like the appeasers before World War II. If that doesn't work they're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk." --Bill Maher

"That shows the difference between administrations. Bush can't control his generals, whereas Bill Clinton could never control his privates." --Jay Leno

Or as Trump calls it, “A naked dollar sign.”

Trump ran into a little trouble before a speech in Knoxville. Someone noticed that the sign in front of Trump's podium actually misspelled the word “Tennessee” and only had one “S.” Or as Trump calls it, “A naked dollar sign.” –Jimmy Fallon

Adele performed a free concert last night at Radio City Music Hall. Fans who missed it were sad, while fans who saw it were inconsolable. –Seth Meyers

A 50-year-old Washington man is facing assault charges after his neighbor says he swung a Klingon sword at him during an argument about trash. Man, if there was any time you’d think two neighbors would get along, it’s when they both know what a Klingon sword looks like. –Seth Meyers