Which is extremely frustrating for New York Times reporter Sheher Theythem (Something Important)

China's retaliatory tariffs will hurt U.S. farmers who sell products to China that they can't sell elsewhere, including chicken feet, which means those chickens will now have to sell their feet on OnlyFans. —Colin Jost

It was reported that several White House officials are refusing to answer messages from journalists if their e-mail signatures include identifying pronouns, which is extremely frustrating for New York Times reporter Sheher Theythem. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Does this burning city make me look fat? (Let's only hope that the sock he puts in his crotch is flame retardant)

As wildfires still wreak havoc in southern California President Biden used a briefing on the fires to brag that he's now a great grandfather. Even worse, when aides rushed him to leave he said, hey buddy where's the fire. —Greg Gutfeld   

I haven't seen this many Californians run for their lives since Cher made an appearance without her makeup. —Greg Gutfeld      

Out of concern for safety, firefighters made sure to keep Gavin Newsom far from the blaze. The last thing they need was a grease fire too. —Greg Gutfeld        

ABC's David Muir is being mocked for using clothes pins to cinch his jacket more tightly around his chest while reporting from the scene of the fire. He was also overheard asking a crew member does this burning city make me look fat. Let's only hope that the sock he puts in his crotch is flame retardant. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Staring at a ghost only you can see (More Sleep Plan)

I cannot make sense of President Biden’s debate performance. What was he trying to say? Were his notes just loaded up with Mad Libs? Who was the debate coach who said ‘and remember, nothing projects strength like having your mouth a little bit open while you stare at a ghost only you can see.’ —Seth Meyers  

But regardless of one’s personal feelings on Biden’s candidacy, it’s worth noting that this conversation is even happening at all. Biden had a bad debate performance, and Democrats are having a vigorous back and forth over whether he should stay in. Donald Trump fomented a violent coup attempt and was convicted of 34 felony counts, and not only did every Republican immediately fall in line, they showed up at the courthouse in matching suits like they were flight attendants for Maga Airlines. —Seth Meyers      

President Biden’s interview with ABC News, in which he assured: “As long as I give it my all and I do the goodest job I can do, that’s what this is about.” That’s not what this is about! Giving it your all is what salsa lessons at a retirement home is all about. This isn’t about how you feel; this is about how voters feel. If you truly believe American democracy is at stake – and it is – then you have to act like it. You can’t claim to be the last bulwark against fascism, and also have a ‘more sleep’ plan. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We live in a world of infinite prossibility (we’re pretty sure what we have is meats/something important)

“The Department of Energy’s report that Covid-19 originated in a Chinese lab leak, but they say it’s a conclusion they reached with ‘low confidence’. It’s not reassuring. It’s like if Arby’s changed their slogan to ‘we’re pretty sure what we have is meats’.” —Stephen Colbert

“The FBI had previously concluded something similar with ‘moderate’ confidence, without releasing any evidence. Earlier this week, director Christopher Wray stated: ‘The FBI has for quite some time now assessed that the origins of the pandemic are most likely a potential lab incident in Wuhan.’ Most likely … potential. That is darn close to hypothetically nearly conceivably imaginable maybe. Somewhere between possible and probable, so it’s definitely prossible. We live in a world of infinite prossibility.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even Jesus is like, ‘Don’t tell him to turn to me! I want no part in any of this.’ (And every single time it turns out they lied)

November 2022

“Donald Trump announced his 2024 presidential bid on Tuesday evening, surrounded by dozens of his closest friends and thousands of classified documents at Mar-a-Lago.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“One person not invited to the Mar-a-Lago announcement was Trump’s former right handjob – I mean man Mike Pence, whose memoir debuted on Tuesday. The former vice-president sat for an interview with ABC News and was asked if Trump ever apologized for his role in the riot which threatened Pence’s life, to which Pence said: ‘Not in so many words, but in sentiment he did.’ So the answer is no, he did not. He didn’t.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Pence added that he urged Trump, in the days after January 6th, to ‘turn to Jesus right now, believing in my heart he could find the same comfort I was finding.’ Can you imagine telling Donald Trump he should turn to Jesus? Even Jesus is like, ‘Don’t tell him to turn to me! I want no part in any of this.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Pence’s book, So Help Me God, makes a great stocking stuffer. You can hang it on the mantle, just like Mike Pence almost was.” —Jimmy Kimmel

 

At least now he doesn't have to move into a smaller house (That's 21 lobbyists for every member of congress)

November 2012

"What is going on in Florida? They still haven't finished counting the votes there yet. You know, at this point, Florida shouldn't even be allowed to vote for 'American Idol.'" –Jay Leno

"Here is an interesting fact about Tuesday's election. It seems 41 percent of Romney votes were named either Osmond or Romney." –Jay Leno

"There is one silver lining about Mitt Romney losing the election. At least now he doesn't have to move into a smaller house." –Jay Leno

"It's tough losing an election. You know what Romney is doing right now? He's rehearsing for Dancing with the Stars. And I tell you, he aint' gonna win that one either." –Jay Leno

"NBC News was the first to call the election for President Obama. ABC News was the first to call a cab for Diane Sawyer." –Jay Leno

"The rumor is that Diane Sawyer allegedly had been drinking on election night. In fact, today Mitt Romney called and said, 'You got any left?'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Eh, coulda been better (Hope and Pinot Grigio)

November 2012

"Last night Colorado became the first state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. They just renamed their NBA team the Denver McNuggets." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today everyone was busy looking at all the different numbers, trying to figure out who voted for which candidate. President Obama beat Mitt Romney by 38 points among single women. They say it’s because of Obama’s final campaign slogan, 'Hope and Pinot Grigio.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The president also got help in the election last night with 70 percent of the Jewish vote. When Jewish voters heard their support for Obama was so high, they were like, 'Eh, coulda been better.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There’s talk that ABC news anchor Diane Sawyer seemed drunk on the air last night. Sawyer was like, 'Breaking news — we are now calling . . . my ex-boyfriend Nick to see what HE’S up to these days.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At that point you’re just using him as a corona napkin (colder than the caves of Pluto)

“On a trip to Arizona, the president left Air Force One and proceeded to try to shake the hand of a greeting official but instead opted for an awkward back slap. What is the point in avoiding a handshake if you then wipe your hands all over the other guy’s suit? At that point you’re just using him as a corona napkin.” —Trevor Noah

“During his Arizona visit Trump also refused to wear a mask while visiting a mask factory. The mask would literally be the least distracting thing on his head.” —Trevor Noah

“In an ABC News interview, Trump also said that reopening America would put some people’s lives in jeopardy. That’s just a risk that Trump is willing for you to take.” —Stephen Colbert

“When asked what message he would give to grieving relatives, Trump said that they should be pleased that there will be a ‘raging economy’ next year. That response was colder than the caves of Pluto.” —Stephen Colbert

“When asked about the mass loss of life, Trump said that no one has been losing more sleep than him over it. Even in grief, he is No 1.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

which means it’ll end when he finds a younger, hotter task force (That one really caught me by surprise)

“In that ABC News interview, President Trump said that as states relax stay-at-home orders during the coronavirus pandemic, there may be more death, because, quote, ‘You won’t be locked into an apartment or a house or whatever it is.’ I know he’s out of touch, but is it possible he doesn’t even know what people live in? [as Trump] ‘I think they make nests out of mud or something. I could ask them, but I really don’t want to interact.’” —Seth Meyers

“Now, there was so much backlash for disbanding this task force, that this morning, Trump announced that he would not be disbanding the task force. He said he would allow the task force to continue, just with different people doing different things, which makes as much sense as telling your husband you’re not divorcing him, you’re just continuing your marriage with a different person who you don’t hate.” —Trevor Noah

“[as Trump] Turns out people like people who want them to be alive. That one really caught me by surprise, because I’m dead inside.” —Stephen Colbert

“Of course, this is Donald Trump, which means it’ll end when he finds a younger, hotter task force.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

How would we know how much more furious they get? (Rest in profits)

“During an interview with ABC News on Tuesday night, Trump told David Muir that he had decided to keep the task force in operation. He also said that he believed more American deaths would be possible as the country began to reopen, and that grieving families would be happy with the economic results. That’s right, for Trump, the priority right now isn’t to try to stop the pandemic; it’s to open up the country no matter what. I mean, how can you get rid of the task force fighting the pandemic while the pandemic is still growing? That makes no sense. Can you imagine if they stopped after ‘Fast and Furious 6?’ How would we know how much more furious they get?” —Trevor Noah

“[imitating Trump] What I’m trying to say is, yeah, a lot of people are going to die, and I am washing my hands of it.” — Stephen Colbert

“That is colder than the caves of Pluto. Imagine that obituary: ‘He is survived by two sons, a granddaughter, and a raging economy. He would be rich if he wasn’t dead. Rest in profits.’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He somehow manages to be racist while telling other people not to be racist (catty little b*tch)

“Meanwhile, Donald Trump spent his weekend bragging about the imagined success he’s had fighting what he still insists on calling the ‘Chinese virus’, even though the result of that is an army of imbeciles blaming people of Chinese descent for the virus. On Monday, the president attempted to half-address the situation, tweeting that it’s ‘very important to protect our Asian American community in the United States since they are working closely with us to get rid of [coronavirus].’ They are working closely with us? They are us – it’s right there in the name, Asian American, it’s the second word. He somehow manages to be racist while telling other people not to be racist.” —Jimmy Kimmel

What was Rand Paul of Kentucky thinking? He is the first US senator to test positive for coronavirus, and he did not self-isolate as he waited for test results. Paul attended meetings, worked out in the Senate gym and swam in the Senate pool. By the way, he’s a doctor – not a good one, apparently, but Rand Paul is a medical doctor. So now, hopefully he’s in quarantine, or maybe he’s going around to every supermarket in Kentucky licking all of the shopping carts. Because of Paul, Senator Mitt Romney of Utah is also in self-quarantine, which Trump sarcastically called ‘too bad’ – evidence that even in our darkest hours, the president still finds time to be a catty little bitch.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What if someone asks Beto if he likes Queens of the Stone Age? (naked from the waist down)

“Tomorrow night is the third Democratic debate. The top 10 candidates will all be there: Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, Mayor Pete, Comptroller Jim, probably Samuel L. Jackson — he’s in everything these days. The Progressive insurance lady, although Bernie thinks she’s not progressive enough.” --Stephen Colbert

“ABC News sent an email that said, ‘We will not be broadcasting on any delay, so there will be no opportunity to edit out foul language.’ Which, I don’t know, that doesn’t seem fair to me. I mean, what if Bernie’s sciatica is acting up? What if someone asks Beto if he likes Queens of the Stone Age?” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Joe Biden better watch his ‘malarkeys’ and his ‘Jiminy Christmases.’” --Stephen Colbert

“The third Democratic primary debate is tomorrow night — ‘and I’m going to be gaffe-free this time,’ said Joe Biden, naked from the waist down.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Scientists aren’t really that busy/jug wine and Ryan Gosling nudes/That’s methed up!

Here’s a headline from ABC News. It reads, “Study: Dogs aren’t really that smart.” That’s the headline, but the honest headline should’ve read -- “Study: Scientists aren’t really that busy.” --James Corden

Here’s a headline from Fox News, it reads, “Woman spent months in jail after officers thought cotton candy was meth.” That’s the headline, but the honest headline should’ve read -- “That’s methed up!” --James Corden

According to a researcher in England when you cough eating a bar of milk chocolate is actually a better cure for you than over-the-counter medicine. I guess now we can all put our chocolate in the medicine cabinet instead of under the stairs with our cigarettes, jug wine and Ryan Gosling nudes. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the media just won't leave her alone (In the Ground/Injured/Indifferent)

"Sarah Palin is everywhere right now. Have you noticed that? This week, Sarah Palin is going to appear on 'Oprah,' 'Good Morning America,' 'ABC World News,' 'Nightline,' 'Sean Hannity,' and '20/20.' During all her appearances, Palin will talk about how the media won't leave her alone." –Conan O'Brien

"Last week, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed a black bear that wouldn't leave his family's front porch. Right after that, Sarah Palin wanted to know if he would be her running mate for 2012." –Jimmy Fallon

"Liz Cheney said on Fox News that her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, should run for president in 2012. In fact, that's apparently in the Mayan calendar too, you know. Cheney becomes president, and then the whole world ends. That's exactly what happens." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh? (War Sheep)

"The official temperature at the Obama inauguration was 18 degrees. John McCain said it was so cold his teeth were chattering, and they were in his pocket at the time." --Jay Leno

"You all heard about that, how Justice John Roberts screwed up the oath of office. Then, the other night, Roberts went to the White House, and they did it over again, which is completely unprecedented. That's never happened. Not messing up the oath, having someone in government actually go back and fix something." --Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda has unleashed a stream of verbal attacks against President Obama, calling him names and saying his policies will all end in failure. Well, who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

So, congratulations to Donald Trump for sending Comey's book straight to No. 1 (I bet my numbers would be terrific)

Last night was the ABC News interview with former FBI Director James Comey where he promoted his new book. But before the interview, Trump got on Twitter yesterday morning and called Comey a liar and attacked his reputation. So, congratulations to Donald Trump for sending Comey's book straight to No. 1.  --James Corden

Here in Los Angeles, the police department recently confiscated $700,000 of counterfeit makeup that was later determined — and we're not joking here — to contain human feces. People suspected there might be feces in the makeup when they were like, "It says blue eyeshadow, but it keeps making my eyes pink." --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

I was told there would be swamp draining (In response, Trump said, "Yes, I don't.")

Former FBI Director James Comey was interviewed on ABC last night, and he said that Trump often changes his story and contradicts himself. In response, Trump said, "Yes, I don't." --Jimmy Fallon

James Comey is promoting his new book “A Higher Loyalty.” Trump is furious about it because it insults his leadership, and because it forced him to read a book. --Jimmy Fallon

Congratulations to John Stamos and his wife, who had a baby boy this weekend! And somehow the baby has already aged more than John Stamos. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

The bad news for us/that’s what they like about him/the Notorious MSG

Matt Lauer’s wife has reportedly kicked him out of the house. Even worse, she’s replaced him with Hoda. --Conan O’Brien

Good news for Washington — the government shutdown is over. The bad news for us — our government is back to work. --Conan O’Brien

China has banned hip hop from Chinese television, which is bad news for China’s biggest hip hop star, the Notorious MSG. --Conan O’Brien

An ABC news poll showed that 48% of Americans think President Trump is mentally unstable. The remaining 52% agree BUT that’s what they like about him. --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Sounds a little like something out of a Dr. Seuss book (But even I doubt I weigh 239)

I guess Congress had 24 hours to pass a short-term spending bill if they want to avoid a shutdown. Trump told them to do their jobs, then went back to announcing the winners of a made-up awards show. --Jimmy Fallon

Trump named The New York Times, ABC News, and CNN as the top three reporters of fake news. His top three reporters of real news were Fox News, his Magic 8-ball, and Snapple caps. --Jimmy Fallon

Trump actually has two cell phones that his staff nicknamed “Trump One” and “Trump Two.” Sounds a little like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. Trump wrote his own Dr. Seuss book about himself. We got a copy. Check this out [shows illustrated book]. It says, “The day was beginning, I rolled up my sleeves, I put on my tie that goes past my knees. Too cold to go out, too hyper to snooze, so I sat in the house and binge-watched Fox News. I ate some McDonald’s, I ate KFC, I ate more McDonald’s and more KFC. I went to the doctor, he said everything’s fine. But even I doubt I weigh 239.” --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

What is a defining mistake of your life and why? (second cousins and third wives)

    

"Across the aisle, on Sunday, all nine Republican candidates skipped church to take part in a forum on ABC's 'This Week.' The highlight? When George Stephanopoulos asked each contender this question [on screen: Stephanopoulos asking, 'What is a defining mistake of your life and why?'] At least one candidate managed to be both honest and evasive [on screen: Rudy Giuliani saying, 'To have a description of my mistakes in 30 seconds?' and then shaking his head no]. I mean, here's a hint. It starts with annulling my first marriage to my second cousin and it ends with my kids from my second marriage supporting Barack Obama because they hate my third wife." --Jon Stewart

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans