Who's laughing now, huh? (and RFK, Jr. with a fork)

Convinced her husband was having an affair with a next-door neighbor, a woman forced her way into the neighbor's home and dumped a bucket of human feces on her. And people called me crazy for selling buckets of feces. Who's laughing now, huh? —Greg Gutfeld 

An emu escaped from a New York petting zoo yesterday, leading to a chase that involved the police, drones, and RFK, Jr. with a fork. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even more amazing, George W. Bush forgot it twice (defective bungee cord)

"This is a crazy story. For two decades, the secret launch code for America's nuclear missiles was 0000000000. Even more amazing, George W. Bush forgot it twice." –Conan O'Brien

The oldest woman in Japan died at the age of one hundred fourteen. And as soon as the funeral is over the family plans to sue the makers of the defective bungee cord. --Conan O’Brien 4/5/2005

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Wait, what was the question? (there’s a pretty good chance you already do)

A new report claims that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user and may have been high when he wrote some of his plays. Which explains that one line: “To be, or not to be . . . Wait, what was the question?” –Jimmy Fallon

KFC just unveiled a sunscreen that smells like extra crispy fried chicken. So if you want to smell like KFC ... there’s a pretty good chance you already do. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So he’s been training for this really for his whole life (his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor)

Donald Trump is right now gearing up for his first State of the Union speech; it’s tomorrow night. State of the Union is the one day of the year presidents are supposed to brag about their accomplishments. So he’s been training for this really for his whole life. --Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he's not concerned about the very poor. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to say that out loud. Romney said the quote was taken out of context. And that he absolutely cares about the poor. In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor.” –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She didn't bother showing the oven that Hansel and Gretel were pushed into (the doctors were able to successfully give him a third hand)

DiGiorno announced they are bringing back their frozen Thanksgiving pizza for the holidays. The pizzas are topped with turkey gravy, green beans, and the number for the National Suicide Hotline. —Michael Che

This week was National No Bra Day and it was a huge flop. —Michael Che

Researchers in Britain have discovered the first ever adult man with three penises, and after a long and complicated surgery, doctors were able to successfully give him a third hand. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I said ‘Tom Cruise.’ (do you really need an excuse?)

Marriott reached a $12 billion deal to buy Starwood Hotels and

Resorts, which now makes Marriott the world's biggest hotel

chain. At first the deal only cost $9 billion, but then they

celebrated with a tiny bottle of champagne from the minibar,

which made it $12 billion. –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday the Supreme Court lifted the ban on same-sex marriage

in Kansas. They didn't give a reason for the ruling, but then again

when a state is famous for a Judy Garland musical about a

rainbow and a wizard who comes out of a closet, do you really

need an excuse?" –Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz is actually being considered by Donald Trump to be

attorney general. Though it will be pretty awkward when he shows

up on his first day of work and Trump goes, “I said ‘Tom Cruise.’”

–Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's a fairly simple thing that happens to work (In case of an accident, I'm not surprised.)

For potential disasters, this pessimist carries a card in his wallet that says, "In case of an accident, I'm not surprised." --Milton Berle

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess Brady just loves anything that releases air (The system's fine folks!)

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said over the weekend that he's not sure who he'll vote for, but he loves Donald Trump. I guess Brady just loves anything that releases air. –Seth Meyers

A skydiver uploaded a video of himself yesterday jumping out of a plane and solving a Rubik’s cube during free fall. And to prove that he actually solved it, the funeral was open casket. –Seth Meyers

During the same rally President Trump claimed that he could be more presidential than any president in history, quote, "Except for possibly Abe Lincoln with the big hat." Oh, right. That Abe Lincoln. Are you at a campaign rally or Show and Tell? "This is my Abe Lincoln. He has a really big hat. And he hates going to plays." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The show doesn't have a title yet but they're thinking about calling it "Terrible Idea." (resonating with everyday Americans)

Establishing relationships with friendly foreign leaders is important for Donald Trump right now, because he needs to build a network of countries he can flee to when the time comes. --Jimmy Kimmel

All the new polls indicate that Donald Trump is getting more popular every day. Apparently his inspiring riches to riches story is really resonating with everyday Americans. –Jimmy Kimmel

One of Donald Trump's most high-profile supporters, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, is working on a new gig. Sarah Palin is planning to host a new reality courtroom show. She would be the judge. The show doesn't have a title yet but they're thinking about calling it "Terrible Idea." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today it just said, 'Eat me.' (sick time)

"An unnamed American entity is going to take over. The rumor is that it's Halliburton. Talk about arrogant. You know that sign Bush stands in front of all the time with the writing on it? Today it just said, 'Eat me.'" --Bill Maher

"Those two guys were up before the congressional Committee this week, which issued the report on Katrina, which lambasted the White House for wasting billions of dollars that was stolen, lost, we don't know where it is. Bush said history will call that a small price to pay if we wind up bringing democracy to Louisiana and it spreads to Mississippi and Florida." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This has the makings of the lamest 'Behind the Music' special yet (Can I get the name of your contractor?)

The Democrats have had some impressive speakers so far. Last night Michelle Obama delivered her second convention speech of the week. The first lady made a very powerful point. She noted that she and her husband wake up every day in a house built by slaves. To which Donald Trump replied, “Really? Can I get the name of your contractor?” –Jimmy Kimmel

It was a historic night. We're either going to have our first female president, or the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney admitted in an interview, 'I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once as a wayward teenager and never did it again. This has the makings of the lamest 'Behind the Music' special yet." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Remember the stories he used to tell us about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? (It's just that exciting, ladies and gentlemen)

"During the World Cup, Uruguay is playing Italy and one of their

players bites an Italian player. How many of you folks have ever

been bitten by a Uruguayan?" –David Letterman

"I am excited about the World Cup and the U.S. soccer team. But I will admit there are nuances to the game that are lost on me. For example, the United States has won one game, tied one game. They play Germany, and if they tie Germany 0-0, they advance to the finals. It's just that exciting, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"Dick "Kaboom" Cheney is publishing his memoirs. Cheney is a wonderful fiction writer. Remember the stories he used to tell us about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If he got a concussion, how would you know? (How much you need boo?!)

According to a new study, pandas have a natural ability to neutralize cyanide poison. So we finally found someone to run against Putin in 2024. --Seth Meyers

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped by police in Australia this week for riding a bike without a helmet. It's especially dangerous for Schwarzenegger because if he got a concussion, how would you know?" –Seth Meyers

Russian President Vladimir Putin was elected yesterday to his fourth term in office. Putin handily beat his closest rival, a poisoned corpse. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Dore: Rachel Maddow Blames RUSSIA For Ukraine-Gate (10/8/19)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

And, just like that, we have a new spokesperson for Jell-O Pudding (At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us?)

There were new allegations against the nominee for the Supreme Court, Brett Kavanaugh, aka "The 40-Year-Old Virgin," is facing another accusation from a woman who says she knew him when they were in high school. She alleges that he and his friends would target girls with alcohol and Quaaludes in order to take advantage of them sexually. And, just like that, we have a new spokesperson for Jell-O Pudding — we lose a Cosby and gain a Kavanaugh. --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today was day 10 of the government shutdown. At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Paris Hilton just bought an $8,000 Chihuahua. How does Paris Hilton still have $8,000? The dog weighs 12 ounces. I’ve eaten hot dogs that weigh more than 12 ounces. That’s not even officially a dog, that’s a hamster; she spent eight grand on a hamster. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So far, Geraldo has narrowed down the suspects to anyone who owns a television (the 'good' kind of Herpes)

"Next week, 88 year-old Senator Robert Byrd will become the longest serving U.S. Senator in American history. When asked if he was still capable of conducting the business of state, the 88 year-old said, 'I like lemons.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In the editorial, Arnold complains that too many immigrants are sneaking into the country and becoming governors." --Conan O'Brien, on California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's editorial in the Wall Street Journal

"This week Geraldo Rivera went to Philadelphia to investigate what he says was a plot to kill him. So far, Geraldo has narrowed down the suspects to anyone who owns a television." --Conan O'Brien

 

"Condoleezza Rice is the most popular member of the Bush administration. Yeah, experts say that claiming to be the most popular member of the Bush administration is like claiming you got the 'good' kind of Herpes." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Dore with Ron Placone and Aaron Maté: The FUNNIEST Russia-Gate Headlines Of All Time

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jimmy Dore, Ron Placone and Aaron Maté: The FUNNIEST Russia-Gate Headlines Of All Time

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jimmy Dore with Aaron Maté and Ron Placone: The FUNNIEST Russia-Gate Headlines Of All Time

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Honey, I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security (impeachment insurance)

            June 2013

"There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? 'Honey, I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security.'" –Jay Leno

"We have New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and chef Mario Batali on the show tonight. It's great to have a guest who's so passionate about food. And it's an honor to have Mario Batali here as well." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone." –Jimmy Fallon

"The big story continues to be 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the man behind the leaking of the NSA spy scandal. Speculation is that Snowden is hiding in Hong Kong and could be working for China. Hey, let's get real. Aren't we all pretty much working for China?" –Jay Leno

"According to a Gallup poll, President Obama's approval rating has dropped to 45 percent. Luckily for Obama, he has 'impeachment insurance.' It's called 'Joe Biden.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”