Have you ever tried squeaking by on $27,000 a day? (At least we hope that was his middle finger)

"A lot of Republicans are blaming Obama for all of this unrest in the Middle East. Right, you know what, if we were attacked in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen, George Bush would know what to do. Invade Iraq." –Bill Maher

"The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?" –Bill Maher

"Why is everything so off limits with Mitt Romney? We can't ask him about his taxes, we can't ask him about Bain Capital, his business for 25 years, we can't ask him about his religion. How can a guy who is such a boring cypher have so many secrets? It’s like waterboarding Ryan Seacrest." –Bill Maher

"Anthony Weiner did not really exit in a very classy way. After his concession speech, as he was leaving, the press was taunting him, and they got a picture through the window of the car of him holding up his middle finger. At least we hope that was his middle finger." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This Is Us Impeaching You (Who wants to see my tax returns, huh?)

“And the whistle-blower has reportedly volunteered to speak to the intelligence committee in the House, and could testify as soon as this week. Which has got to infuriate Trump, because the only whistle he wants blown is the one he uses to summon Mike Pence when he needs him.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“You know, in 2014 Donald Trump tweeted, ‘Are you allowed to impeach a president for gross incompetence?’ Well, I guess we’re about to find out.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s right a big TV night. Tonight, the premiere of ‘This is Us,’ followed by Nancy Pelosi’s new show, ‘This Is Us Impeaching You.’” --Jimmy Fallon

“You can tell Trump’s desperate to make this go away because tonight he was like, ‘Who wants to see my tax returns, huh?’” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Try rolling up the agreement and spanking me with it (Cardi B calls me out)

The new deal gives Trump less than 1.4 Billion for just 55 miles of fences. The border is 2,000 miles long. And remember how Trump shut down the government after a border bill back in December? Well, that deal offered him 1.6 Billion for fencing. That is some A-plus negotiating. Colbert as Trump, “Okay, here we go. You write a number on a slip of paper, pass it across the table to me, okay. Then I’m gonna shut down the table for a month until everyone gets really mad and Cardi B calls me out. Then, I’ll reopen the table, and you slide me an even smaller number, and I say yes. Deal Art-ed. I showed you the art. Show-art.” --Stephen Colbert

Trump didn’t get what he wanted, and his TV friends noticed and they’re being mean about it. Lou Dobbs tweeted, “Their deal is an insult to POTUS and the American people.” Laura Ingraham called it “pathetic.” And Sean Hannity said this bill is a “garbage compromise.” And this afternoon, Trump agreed with those people who he agrees with. Colbert as Trump, “No, it’s not doing the trick, okay. Try rolling up the agreement and spanking me with it. That might do the trick.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump talked more about defeating aliens tonight than Sigourney Weaver (And that chapter is 11)

Donald Trump said, we must step boldly and bravely into the next chapter of this great American adventure. And that chapter is 11. --Jimmy Kimmel

Trump’s speech was so long he spoke longer than he was married to Marla Maples. --Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump talked more about defeating aliens tonight than Sigourney Weaver. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed (the Empire State Building shrunk 50 floors)

It’s so cold that earlier today the Empire State Building shrunk 50 floors. It is so cold, Trump is actually enjoying being burned by Nancy Pelosi. --Jimmy Fallon

An 80-year-old crossing guard in Iowa said the cold won't stop him from doing his job. Then his boss said, "Nothing stops him. We fired that guy 40 years ago." Get lost! --Jimmy Fallon

Today was also bitterly cold in the Northeast, with lows in the single digits. And I cannot stress this part enough, okay? Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Subway Car of Business Chimps Hurling Feces at Each Other (prepping his argument to stay out of hell)

It’s day 32 of the Trump Shutdown. I’m getting prepared to never have a government again. I’m prepping myself for absolutely no government at all. I’m licking raw chicken to build up an immunity, and I am practicing to be my own TSA. I’m putting a lot of time into the pat down. I’m hiding something somewhere and I am going to find it. --Stephen Colbert

You know things are going great when your lawyer is already prepping his argument to stay out of hell. --Stephen Colbert

There’s a new book coming out by former Trump communications aide and Crest White Strips cautionary tale, Cliff Sims. Cliff is going to be our guest next week. Sims’ tell-all is called “Team of Vipers.” So if you’re writing your Trump tell-all, that name is now taken. You’ll have to go with “Hive of Vermin,” “Sack of Weasels,” or Subway Car of Business Chimps Hurling Feces at Each Other.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

But take it from Stormy Daniels... (Thank you, I wrote that joke)

The government shutdown continues, which means bathrooms at National Parks are not being cleaned. So, a man in Oregon decided to clean one himself, and then he sent a bill for $28 to Donald Trump. Yeah, that’ll show him. But take it from Stormy Daniels, if you want Trump to write you a check, you’re going to have to do something way grosser than clean a public bathroom. This guy has about a good a chance of getting that $28 as Blockbuster does of getting back my rented copy of “Rush Hour 2.” It’s not going to happen. --James Corden

In other news, a recent Singapore Airlines flight was halfway to London before the crew realized there was a stowaway. A bird had snuck onto the plane and was sitting in business class. The airline was okay with it because the bird’s a frequent flyer. Thank you, I wrote that joke. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump just walked into a McDonald’s and went, “Give me the usual.” (his four most trusted advisors)

Last Night President Trump hosted the National Championship winning Clemson Tigers football team at the White House, where he paid $3,000 out of his own pocket to provide them with pizza, fries and hamburgers. To place this order, Trump just walked into a McDonald’s and went, “Give me the usual.” --James Corden

Trump bought food from McDonald’s, Wendy’s Burger King and Domino’s -- or as Trump calls them, his four most trusted advisors. --James Corden

This morning Trump tweeted about the dinner, and proceeded to misspell the word “hamburgers.” Of course he did. He’s the President of the United States. He called them “hamberders.” But anyway this afternoon it was back to business as usual. Trump was 100% focused on his “Berder” wall. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Forget the oil spill, can someone put a cap on this guy (Why we have a federal deficit)

"According to the National Enquirer, Bristol Palin has called off her engagement with Levi Johnston after finding out that he also got his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia pregnant. Forget the oil spill, can someone put a cap on this guy." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he's registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush. They got him a huge cake. He didn't blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up and went out on their own." –Jay Leno

"A California judge has overruled California's ban on gay marriage. Finally gay men can marry someone other than Liza Minelli. Wedding planners can now plan their own weddings." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

jockeying for the title of 'biggest disaster.' (but that's totally unrelated)

"Rumors are that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are going to film a reality show. Sarah Palin says she can't wait to start shooting, but that's totally unrelated." –Craig Ferguson

"BP stopped the oil leak at 3:25 p.m. Eastern Time. And at 3:26 p.m., Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan began jockeying for the title of 'biggest disaster.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is a day of cautious optimism. The BP well has been capped and Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, but we're not sure how long either one is going to hold." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's not taxes they hate, it's reading (Kierkegaard on being fooled)

"What a day for the Tea Party people. Did you see that? America’s parks and fairgrounds were lost in a sea of man-boobs. They were venting their anger and rage against taxes, which, of course, in most cases for them went down. Protesting their taxes went down – but you know, why let the truth spoil a perfectly good Klan rally." –Bill Maher

"Federal taxes last year when down for 98 percent of people, but when asked about this, only 12 percent of the Teabaggers thought this was the case. 88 percent of them had it wrong. And a spokesman for the Teabaggers said, 'We don’t want to just be taxed less. We want to be taxed less by a white guy." –Bill Maher

"They used the opportunity on Tax Day to come up with what they call a 'Contract From America.' Remember the 'Contract With America'? Well, this is a different set of 10 completely ridiculous ideas. Like number 4, I'm not kidding about this: 'The tax code cannot have more words than the Constitution.' You know between this and the complaints about the healthcare bill being too long, can we say it? It's not taxes they hate, it's reading." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

the ambulance crew fired Roth and replaced him with Sammy Hagar (Since 1972)

It’s been reported that David Lee Roth is now working as a paramedic on a New York City ambulance. Unfortunately earlier today the ambulance crew fired Roth and replaced him with Sammy Hagar. --Conan O’Brien 11/16/2004

He’s fine now, but Dick Cheney went to the hospital yesterday after experiencing shortness of breath. The doctors asked Cheney when he first noticed this and he said, “1972.” --Conan O’Brien 11/16/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know folks it's a lot cheaper to just buy a hat that says I have a small p*nis (They're still rich)

This blew my mind. A car company is coming out with a super-sized truck, listen to this, that is four feet longer two feet taller and twice as heavy as a Hummer. You know folks it's a lot cheaper to just buy a hat that says I have a small penis. --Conan O’Brien 9/17/2004

John Kerry called President Bush to concede the election. The call apparently lasted less than five minutes. The phone call would have been even shorter but the first three minutes President Bush was talking into the wrong end of the phone. --Conan O’Brien 11/4/2004

According to the latest ratings twice as many people watched Tom Brokaw's coverage of the election on NBC than watched the coverage on Fox News. Apparently the ratings for Fox News would have been higher but Bill O'Reilly kept asking women if he could poll them. --Conan O’Brien 11/4/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm not worried about the questions, I'm worried about the answers (a two minute hunger strike)

Democrats are saying that President Bush is refusing to take part in a town hall debate with John Kerry because Bush is worried about the questions the audience will ask him. After hearing this the Bush said, “That's ridiculous. I'm not worried about the questions, I'm worried about the answers.” --Conan O’Brien 9/17/2004

Paris Hilton has just written a book and in the book Paris says she never wears the same outfit twice. Mainly because she can't remember where she left it. --Conan O’Brien 9/17/2004

In Germany politicians are calling for higher taxes on fat people because they say fat people are a bigger drain on the healthcare system. Apparently fat people in Germany were so mad when they heard this they threatened to go on a two minute hunger strike. --Conan O’Brien 9/17/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”