He gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump's toupee (he apologized to the mistress in your region)

"CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson

“Everyone throws beads on Mardi Gras. The beads are paid for by local businessmen who ride on elaborate floats and toss little trinkets to the desperate masses in the streets. Which is also Mitt Romney's economic plan.” –Craig Ferguson

"The Tiger Woods press conference was earlier today, and I was riveted by that. I think the most interesting part was when he apologized to the 'mistress in your region.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Last night's Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It's a German dog. The affenpinscher's name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe's being treated like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse. Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump's toupee." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi (and then the snowstorm hit)

March 2013

"A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt – and then the snowstorm hit." –Conan O'Brien

"Due to budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been canceled indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, 'Now I'll never see it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell released a Harlem Shake video. So just when you think a trend is dead, it's made cool again by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell." –Conan O'Brien

"Former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, died yesterday. The people of Venezuela aren't sure who'll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS suggested Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson

"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel (That's a tall hat to fill)

February 2013

"The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn't feel he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Benedict is quitting. That's a tall hat to fill." –David Letterman

"The Pope had a press conference today. He said he just wants to spend more time with his wife and kids." –David Letterman

"The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place." –Craig Ferguson

"CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson

"Actually, when the voting's done to elect a new Pope, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

they're already talking about replacing him with Ashton Kutcher (Don't mention it to China)

June 2011

"Anthony Weiner wants to be mayor of New York City. So we may go from Bloomberg,  a guy that looks like a jockey, to a guy that likes how he looks in Jockeys." –David Letterman 

"If Weiner resigns, they're already talking about replacing him with Ashton Kutcher." –David Letterman

"President Obama has offered bailout money to keep Greece from defaulting on its loans. Yeah, when Greece thanked him, Obama was like, 'Don't mention it . . . to China, because it's their money.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It turns out he was born in Kenya (I have the nicest legs at CBS)

"Donald Trump is not running for president. It turns out he was born in Kenya." –David Letterman

"Today is the 84th anniversary of Charles Lindbergh's solo crossing of the Atlantic. It was the last time an American was warmly greeted in France. When he landed he told people he'd enjoyed the flight and had actually joined the Mile High Club." –David Letterman

"May 21st is supposed to be Judgment Day. We should send a robot Arnold Schwarzenegger back in time to fix things. Though I suspect if he could go back in time he might fix some other things." –Craig Ferguson

"The man that is predicting judgment day predicted the end of the world in 1994. He also predicted that Ashton Kutcher would never return to television." –Craig Ferguson

"Katie Couric had her last broadcast and we were very sad to see her go but now it's official. I have the nicest legs at CBS." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

But as a vulgar late night entertainer, I feel a certain amount of regret (and a guy named Vinnie the Fist)

"As an American, I am relieved that Donald Trump is not running for president. But as a vulgar late night entertainer, I feel a certain amount of regret." –Craig Ferguson

"Trump is out, and Mike Huckabee is out. At this point, the only person that could derail President Obama's re-election is Joe Biden." –Craig Ferguson 

"The U.S. has hit the debt ceiling. I think we should do what we always do when faced with a nightmarish problem: replace it with Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson

"After borrowing money for years, we hit the magic number: $14.3 trillion. It's the maximum amount the government is allowed to borrow. Our credit card is maxed out. Our creditors include the Chinese government, the Japanese government, and a guy named Vinnie the Fist." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They're thinking about Ashton Kutcher (learn to speak Chinese)

"Trump says he wants to spend more time bullying obscure celebrities. That one-man juggernaut Mike Huckabee is not running. The Republicans are really scrambling for a guy to lose to Obama." –David Letterman

"Sen. John Kerry is in Pakistan, sending a strong message to the government and the people. The message is, 'We think this is important enough to send John Kerry.'" –David Letterman

"Al Qaeda is looking for someone to replace Osama bin Laden. They're thinking about Ashton Kutcher." –David Letterman

"They wanted someone less controversial than Charlie Sheen but the head of the International Monetary Fund was busy.” –David Letterman

"The United States has hit the debt ceiling. Do you know what that means? Neither do I. I do think it would be wise for all of us to learn to speak Chinese." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I guess it was a good decision to increase his allowance (we'll get it in through the backdoor)

It's been reported that Ashton Kutcher has given Demi Moore an emerald and diamond bracelet worth $300,000. Afterwards Demi Moore said, “I guess it was a good decision to increase his allowance.” --Conan O’Brien 3/31/2005

This is an interesting statistic. 56% of women say they are more affectionate with their pets than they are with their partners. Which explains why Paris Hilton's dog has to get so many shots. --Conan O’Brien 3/31/2005

Earlier today Republicans in the Senate failed to get enough votes to pass an amendment banning gay marriage. Afterwards Republicans said we're not giving up. If we can't Ram it down their throats we'll get it in through the backdoor. --Conan O’Brien 7/14/2004

Ken Jennings became the first person ever to win 1 million dollars on Jeopardy. He’s like a machine. You can tell that he's getting cocky because whenever he hears the name Alex Trebek he answers, “Who's my bitch?” --Conan O’Brien 7/14/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

When a wrecking ball comes crashing through the windshield of your Honda Accord (It was probably your new friend)

"Ashton Kutcher, apparently, has been going it with CNN. He has been competing with them to see who can get to a million followers on Twitter first. I guess Ashton and CNN have been rivals since high school. Ashton won the race, and there was some back talk, some smack talk between him and Larry King, all in good fun. He and Larry are friends, their wives are the same age."  --Jimmy Kimmel

"They're very competitive, and Ashton came out on top, so one million people are now following Ashton Kutcher's Tweets. Why would anyone want to be Ashton Kutcher's online friend? Haven't they seen what he does to his friends in real life? When a wrecking ball comes crashing through the windshield of your Honda Accord, don't be surprised. It was probably your new friend." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #7

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Aw, did someone take away a job that was rightfully yours? Ah, too bad!

Yesterday, Donald Trump fired the director of the FBI, James Comey, and I guess Comey heard about it right before a recruitment event he was going to speak at. Then he was like, “Hey, while I’m recruiting — anyone wanna be director? It just came up. I just got the email.” –Jimmy Fallon

They’re also saying when he got the news, Comey thought it was a prank and started laughing. But to be fair, that’s also how Trump reacted when he won the election. “That’s very good — where’s Ashton Kutcher? I love that guy!” –Jimmy Fallon

Of course, it drew immediate reactions from other politicians. When she heard Comey was fired, Hillary called him and said, “Aw, did someone take away a job that was rightfully yours? Ah, too bad!” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

So just when you think a trend is dead...

"A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt – and then the snowstorm hit." –Conan O'Brien 

"Today Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell released a Harlem Shake video. So just when you think a trend is dead, it's made cool again by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell." –Conan O'Brien



"The people of Venezuela aren't sure who'll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS suggested Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson 

The Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher

"CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson



"Actually, when the voting's done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel." –Craig Ferguson

 "The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well." –Conan O'Brien



This would make a great Disney movie...

"Al Qaeda is looking for someone to replace Osama bin Laden. They're thinking about Ashton Kutcher." –David Letterman 



"As an American, I am relieved that Donald Trump is not running for president. But as a vulgar late night entertainer, I feel a certain amount of regret." –Craig Ferguson



"Disney is trademarking the phrase 'SEAL Team 6,' after the team that took down Osama bin Laden. Yeah, cause when they shot bin Laden, captured his wives and found his porn, I was like, 'This would make a great Disney movie.'" –Jimmy Fallon