In her defense she was already pretty drunk (sex tape)

A New York woman fell flat on her face after trying to snatch a MAGA hat off a fellow subway passenger. In her defense Kamala Harris was already pretty drunk. —Greg Gutfeld 

Disney's Snow White is projected to be the lowest earning live-action remake in the company's history. It's the worst thing to happen to Disney since someone leaked the Minnie Mouse and Tommy Lee sex tape. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they pulled over Snoop Dog's bus and found a baked ham (unanswered questions)

Yesterday police in Ohio pulled over Ruben Studdard tour bus and the cops found a bag of marijuana. Police believe there must have been a mix-up because later they pulled over Snoop Dog's bus and found a baked ham. --Conan O’Brien 4/13/2004

There's a new Paris Hilton sex video. When asked about it Hilton said, “I feel like the first one left a lot of unanswered questions.” --Conan O’Brien 9/28/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I feel like the first one left a lot of unanswered questions (serving detention)

Some TV critics have accused Donald Trump's show The Apprentice of being nothing but a year-long infomercial for Trump's company. When asked to comment, Donald Trump said, “Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump.” --Conan O’Brien 4/16/2004

There's a new Paris Hilton sex video. When asked about it Hilton said, “I feel like the first one left a lot of unanswered questions.” --Conan O’Brien 9/28/2004

Breakfast Club star Anthony Michael Hall is facing seven years in prison for fighting his neighbor. However, his lawyer is trying to plea bargain that down to just serving detention with Molly Ringwald, Emilio Estevez, and Judd Nelson. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m gonna vote for him because I watched that video and we share a lot of the same positions (But the pleasures are undeniable)

October 2022

Pebbles, who was the world’s oldest living dog has died at the age of 22. But it’s Okay. His owners knew this was coming if they didn’t keep him off my yard. —Michael Che

In the January 6th video, Nancy Pelosi said that she wanted to punch out Donald Trump and knew if she did, she’d go to jail and be happy. I assume because she owns stock in private prisons. —Michael Che

A new study suggests that the benefits of preventive colonoscopies may be overestimated. But the pleasures are undeniable. —Michael Che

Manhattan congressional candidate Mike Ipkus starred in his own sex tape in an effort to publicize his campaign. You know what, I’m gonna vote for him because I watched that video and we share a lot of the same positions. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Stop! You are all under arrest (I see you, Bush)

March 2022

“President Volodymyr Zelensky of Ukraine addressed Congress by video link on Wednesday, pleading for more help in his country’s fight against Russia. Yeah, that’s right, Zelensky brought out all of America’s major moments: ‘I have a dream,’ 9/11, Mount Rushmore. You know he was on Wikipedia last night planning this out: [imitating Zelensky] ‘OK, Pearl Harbor, Boston Tea Party — should I mention Hulk Hogan sex tape, maybe?” —Trevor Noah

“And by the way, props to him, I mean he knows way more about America than most U.S. senators know about his country. Like, can you imagine how they would sound if they had to give an inspiring speech using Ukrainian history? [imitating U.S. senator] ‘Uh, people of Ukraine, remember the vision of your founder — I want to say Daniel Ukraine?’” —Trevor Noah

“I’m also impressed that Zelensky was able to dodge so many land mines in his research, because you realize this could have gone very wrong: [imitating Zelensky] ‘And now to 9/11, which as we all know from YouTube was inside job. I see you, Bush.’” —Trevor Noah

“Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky delivered a virtual address to Congress this morning and received a standing ovation, making him the first comedian to actually deserve one.” —Seth Meyers

“You know it is powerful when that many old people jump to their feet. There are knees in that room that were alive during the Roosevelt administration.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you want to see my sex tape? (Kanye West and Kanye East)

"I found out this by reading her memoir 'Going Rogue,' the Sarah Palin memoir. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, believes the Berlin Wall ran between Kanye West and Kanye East." –David Letterman

"On Monday, Oprah Winfrey and Sarah Palin will sit down and they're going to talk for an entire hour. And I was thinking, too bad John McCain didn't do that with her before he chose her as his running mate." –David Letterman

"Last night, on 'Larry King Live' former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, refused to talk about her sex tape. She got angry for Larry asking what she called, 'inappropriate questions.' Yeah, apparently Larry kept asking, 'Do you want to see my sex tape?'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The rumor now is that there’s a Donald Trump sex tape (the front-runner is Kate Upton)

What an insane week this is. The Cubs may win the World Series, Donald Trump may be elected president, and the whitest man in America is on stage at the Apollo! It’s officially the end of days, ladies and gentlemen. This was prophesied in the Bible. –Conan O’Brien

The rumor now is that there’s a Donald Trump sex tape. Yes! In response, Trump is saying, “Vote for me or I’ll release it.” –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, in a speech, President Obama said that when voting, young men should look deep inside themselves. So, as of an hour ago, the front-runner is Kate Upton. –Conan O’Brien

Has he seen her sex video? There is no talk. It is all action. (Bea Arthur)

"Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur." --Jay Leno

"McCain is not backing down. He's defending the commercial, where he compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton, as being 'all talk and little action.' That's what he said. Like Paris, Barack Obama is all talk and little action. Really? Has he seen her sex video? There is no talk. It is all action." --Jay Leno

"A new campaign ad from John McCain unfavorably compares Barack Obama and Britney Spears. Reporters tried to contact McCain to get a response to this criticism, but they couldn’t get a hold of him. He was busy having his dinner on a TV tray watching 'Jeopardy.'" --David Letterman 

All right, leak the sex tape.

A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now increasing her lead over Bernie Sanders. Experts say Bernie would need something major to regain people's attention. Then Bernie was like, "All right, leak the sex tape." –Jimmy Fallon

Ahead of tonight's Republican debate over on CNN, Donald Trump's doctor released his medical records. He said that Trump has never used alcohol or tobacco in his life. Which explains how Trump got so good at ruining a party. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study claims the stress of being president takes three years off your life. So suddenly everyone is thinking of voting for Trump. –Conan O’Brien